New here and looking for insight

Old 12-15-2014, 04:45 PM
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New here and looking for insight

Hi all, I just joined your site and want to give you my intro.

Whew, where to begin?! First, my 18 year relationship is ending. For the past 15 years my partner and I have shared a home we equally invested in (50/50 on the mortgage, deed, etc.).

Honestly, I’m not sure if it’s due to her being an alcoholic or having some type of personality disorder, or both. No doubt alcohol is a factor; she is a mean drunk. But there are also personality issues I’ve questioned for many years. Regardless, I got sick and tired of the emotional and verbal abuse, the silent treatment, the blaming, gas lighting, projection, lack of interest in taking care of our house, etc.

We went to couples counseling for 6 months. This was a counselor my partner selected, based on some recommendations. My partner believes she has an alcohol problem. The counseling didn’t help at all, and in fact seemed to make things worse. What’s really surprising is that the counselor is an “addiction specialist.” I tried really hard with the counseling. My partner would say one thing during the sessions, and then come home and give me the silent treatment again, or say she was “hurt” because of things I said during the session and shut me out and be mad.

From reading your site and others, SO many things are clicking. Doesn’t fix my pain, but I know that must come from within me.

I’ve got a LOT more I’d like to share, but want to keep this brief for now so I don’t scare anyone off, LOL.

I believe Al-Anon is a very good next step for me. Would love to hear other’s input.

Thanks much!
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Old 12-15-2014, 04:57 PM
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Sorry FM that you are joining us, but Welcome. You have come to the right place. I am sorry that your having so many issues with your partner. We have all been there as we all love an Addict.

The best thing that you can do for yourself is try and hit some alanon meetings or an open AA meeting. They are so helpful. Keep reading SR as there is so many people who have walked in your shoes.

The best thing you can try to do is detach and allow your partner to do her thing. You need to work on your short comings and better yourself. We all would love to read that piece of paper that says "how do we get our alcoholic sober"?? But, there is none, or we wouldn't all be here. What we want for our significant other really doesnt matter, as if it did, they would be sober already.

Read, read and read more. Take your time, you don't have to make any decision today. Good luck and reach out if you have any more questions as the people here are more than amazing!!
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Old 12-15-2014, 04:58 PM
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Hi FreeMe,

It's too bad that your partner did not undergo some other form of treatment in addition to the marriage counseling, such as AA. As a recovering alcoholic myself close, I have found AA's 12 steps very rewarding.

Were you ever able to discuss your partner's behavior post session at your next counseling session? That would have been a good topic to discuss and work through.
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Old 12-15-2014, 05:10 PM
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Thank you maia and just breathe,

maia, yes! I am cognizant and open to working on my own shortcomings and have found a counselor I really like. I REALLY want to go to an Al-Anon meeting based on the helpful things I read. I found a meeting at a church nearby that I have visited. The meetings are on Sunday night which is sometimes difficult (but not impossible) with my schedule.

I read others talk about "daily" meetings. How do I find more info about that. Frankly, I've found their web site to be lacking in info.

justbreath, I agree with you! I know you can't make an adult do something they don't want, but that's one of the MANY reasons I think this counselor is a FRAUD!

Thank you both for your welcome and input!
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Old 12-15-2014, 05:25 PM
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Yep. Alanon aint too bad.

Some PD expert folks are not so keen on it, but if you all are using an addiction based model, it is among the best.

You follow I am just saying "model?" It gets it away from PD v. Addiction v. Alcohol.

In truth FUed is just FUed.

If you want to hit some of the PD issues -- when I was studying through all this, here is my Magnum Opus >>>

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-thread.html

Not that study, Alanon, nor anything else changes things . . . . but they CAN change US . . . and THAT Changes Everything.

Welcome Aboard.
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Old 12-15-2014, 05:29 PM
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You were asking about how to find Alanon meetings?

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings

Start drilling down to your locale.

If you hit a dead-end link, or need some help -- just say the general area or state, and we will help find your local(s).

Or PM me, and we can probably GPS you to the front door, and have someone waiting for you.

(never ask a career codependent for help )
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Old 12-15-2014, 05:31 PM
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FM- Good for you for looking into other meetings. Depending on where you live they are all over. Under your county where you live, there might me a phone number that you can contact to find local meetings. The web should have info but do what ever you can. They say try a few meetings as they all offer something different.

I could find a meeting with in 20 minutes to my house every night and multiple ones during the day. Also try for an open AA meeting. These are awesome as you get a perspective from an A's point of view. As angry as you are at them, you find a little compassion for what they are battling also.

When you educate yourself and start changing, its amazing that the A sometimes makes changes also. When you are working on yourself they start working on themselves.

Keep up with questions as we all want to help!! (((((hugs)))))))
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Old 12-15-2014, 05:33 PM
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Welcome Free Me,

I am so glad Hammer wrote right away as your story sounds similar to his. Plus he is hilarious.

Good luck checking out a few Al Anon meetings. I have tried a few before settling into a group I liked.
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Old 12-15-2014, 06:43 PM
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Welcome -- and sorry you have to be here. But you sound like you have a pretty good grip on the way ahead and have some strength left to take the next step.

Check out this http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings for meetings. Where I used to live, there were at least two meetings a day -- in one location, daily lunch meetings which was convenient for me. I also benefited enormously from the combination of meetings and individual therapy.

And don't worry about scaring people off with long posts. Please tell (or vent) as much or as little about your story as you feel comfortable with.
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