Does the lying ever stop?

Old 12-15-2014, 05:49 AM
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Does the lying ever stop?

I have been working with a therapist for 2 years. She is helping me learn not to take AH behavior on, quit trying to control and learn to start living for myself. This has really helped me calm myself down which has helped our house feel calmer as well. My question is why does my AH lie about the smallest things he has repeatedly said he can't pull anything over on me but yet he continues to lie. This is the one thing that absolutely drives me crazy! When I know he is lying I feel myself shutting down. The lying more than anything makes me feel as if there is no hope. I can actually respect someone if they say "I am gonna do what I want" but I have no respect for the person who just lies. How do you all handle this and keep your sanity?
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Old 12-15-2014, 05:59 AM
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I've not really had this in my situation. The lies my H had were related to just his denial in regards to his extent of addiction. Luckily for me, that allowed me to see that was not HIM but his addiction speaking. These lies also cleared up since he managed to quit and has not relapsed thus far.

Hammer here has some good threads and comments related to lying. It is a common problem discussed here.
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Old 12-15-2014, 06:21 AM
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viola71....I don't think that the lying stops until they are into recovery. A part of the recovery program is to be honest in all of one's dealings. Something that recovering alcoholics have to work very hard on.

What I had to do was to lower my expectations and detach....detach....detach while my A was still active (not a spouse). Now that he has been in a recovery program for a while....I can see a big difference.
I have been around alcoholics who have had long-time recovery. I must say that I trust those people a lot because they seem to be honest to a fault...LOL! They will even tell you "Yes, your ass does look fat in those jeans".

This is all I got....

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Old 12-15-2014, 07:22 AM
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Lying is part of the disease of alcoholism. I don't bother trying to figure it out anymore nor do I fret over the lies because I have come to expect them. Basically, it's turned to a point where I don't believe much of anything he says....ever. That's just the nature of the alcoholic dance. If I step away from the alcoholic, I don't have to validate the lies or invalidate them because it just starts to not even matter.

And, the other thing I realized over time is that if I know the truth, then why do I want him to face up to it or to throw it in his face? To shame him, humiliate him, etc? He does that enough to himself as it is. I can just let him be and let the lies go because I have finally accepted that that is who he is and it's part of what alcoholism does within him. For me, the answer came with acceptance and it has brought me more peace.
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Old 12-15-2014, 08:12 AM
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The lying broke my marriage more than anything else. I have realized I can never be with a person again who does not have my same morals and who cannot tell the truth. I could not do it, I got a divorce.
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Old 12-15-2014, 08:29 AM
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I see lying used to maintain the image or perception of someone in control with no problem. I find it not so much about guilty-not guilty but image. Many alkies/addicts don't care but many want to maintain their image of sober like a movie star or politician wanting good PR only.
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Old 12-15-2014, 11:32 AM
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I read this saying and I copied it down....

When I was drinking, I didn't lie or cheat or hide it, and I don't remember feeling guilty about anything because in my eyes I was never doing anything harmful. When I got sober, and I realized the damage I had done, I about choked on the shame.

When I was drinking I would say anything I thought might-in any Universe-get me what I wanted.

I copied these statements from A's. These hit home as I tried to understand addiction!!
Its stinks to love an A!!
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Old 12-15-2014, 11:36 AM
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I totally see this nonstop with the good pr only. Wont even acknowledge anything else.
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Old 12-15-2014, 12:26 PM
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Originally Posted by viola71 View Post
The lying more than anything makes me feel as if there is no hope. I can actually respect someone if they say "I am gonna do what I want" but I have no respect for the person who just lies.
I'm with you on that. I have never understood it. And in my case, my A has always contended that it was my fault that he lied. He would say things like "well, you're just too fierce" and make the excuse that he was afraid to tell me the truth. He'd say things like "well, I just want you to like me." And he'd say things like "well, I'm a sick person, I can't help it."

And as others have said, it IS part of the disease. People here will use detachment to help themselves, with varying degrees of success, but I believe most have found that detachment is not something that will work as a permanent solution. I don't know if there is any therapist anywhere who can make it OK for you to live w/lies on a long-term basis.

Remember, you get to decide what you live with. You are not bound to live with lies. YOU get to choose what you'll accept.
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Old 12-15-2014, 12:27 PM
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If you don't trust and respect him perhaps it's time to rethink things.
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Old 12-15-2014, 12:43 PM
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I would lie as a self-protective mechanism. In my mind I DID have to lie because otherwise it would have been unbearable.

No alcoholic who's still drinking can be honest about it. And along with that, lying gets to be a habit.

The last guy I lived with was a pathological liar. I actually kicked him out finally when I discovered he'd been lying about his AGE for five years. He claimed to be two years younger than me but was actually five years older. He mostly lied about stupid stuff to make himself sound more impressive than he was. He was pretty convincing. My kids saw through it and years later shook their heads that I ever bought any of it. On some level I think I knew it was BS, but it was mostly relatively harmless stuff.

Interesting thing, though, he rarely drank, even on social occasions. Weird, huh?
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Old 12-15-2014, 03:29 PM
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Old 12-15-2014, 03:29 PM
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Oh sure this is easy. Because they tend to be self-centered disgusting selfish pigs.

No. Not really. Ok. Real Deal. Self-Centered Disgusting Selfish Pigs.

But really, if you a little deeper into some parts of the Mental Illness features that come with package (if you buy today), it is also a Hardware Problem.

Sorry my compassion is slipping.



-----------------------------

But really, since Mrs. Hammer has been back from Rehab -- just a little over two years -- it has been nothing BUT wall-to-wall non-stop lying. About anything just about anyone can think of. And I have heard from just about anyone / everyone about it. Has sort of become a joke -- buy not the funny kind.

Part of the Personality Disorder Mental Illnesses sort of "require" this behavior to continue the illness. Whole set of issues that harm and attack the "friends and family" side if you look this up under Narcissism or Borderline forums. (both are Personality Disorders that make with many Long Term A's / Multi-A's).

As far as what to do for you, hard to say other than get away. Some of the Compulsive Liars/Mental Illness/A-types make it back -- but to recovery under the 12 Step Programs requires Honesty. So much so, that it says so three times in the opening paragraph of the AA Big Book, Chapter 5, How It Works.

Mrs. Hammer had it so bad for a while, that we (the kids and I) made a 100 Lies in 100 Days "God Box" to put all of her lies in after she came back from Rehab. Now she has lied so much she has to make up more lies to cover the prior ones.

If you would like an interesting read on the topic -- Lies and folks that lie to cover their own image (or imaginations) this is an interesting study of the topic. Mrs. Hammer just rages against and hates this book. Go Figure.

People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil

http://www.amazon.com/People-Lie-Hop.../dp/0684848597
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Old 12-15-2014, 03:31 PM
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Old 12-15-2014, 03:35 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post

Interesting thing, though, he rarely drank, even on social occasions. Weird, huh?
Not so weird. Probably more Mental Illness than Alcohol.
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Old 12-15-2014, 03:40 PM
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Trust me, he wasn't mentally ill. He was a jerk.
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Old 12-15-2014, 03:50 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Trust me, he wasn't mentally ill. He was a jerk.
All good, and everyone's mileage may vary -- but you may be interested to look a little deeper into this.

Often the nature of a creature is part of the nature of that creature.

A cat meows.
A dog barks.
A cow goes moo.

And a liar . . . .

Radio Lab: Into the Brain of a Liar : NPR

Pathological liars found to have less gray matter

Liar, Liar, Your Prefrontal Cortex Is On Fire

Life's Extremes: Pathological Liar vs. Straight Shooter | Why We Lie | Honesty & Asperger's Syndrome

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Old 12-15-2014, 04:14 PM
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Nah, I was using the term "pathological liar" in the loose sense of the word. It wasn't that he couldn't tell the truth, and he would if he needed to, it's just that he didn't feel the need to, that often.

He never stole from me or cheated on me (as far as I know, and I don't know when he would have done it--he was always THERE), it was just a matter of impressing other people (or trying to) (including me). Could be mister charm when he wanted to.
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Old 12-16-2014, 03:02 PM
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I think all addicts lie. I think lying is as much a part of the addiction as the actual substance is. You can't have an addict who does not lie to some degree. I saw it in my partner, and my best girlfriend. And she was one of the most loyal, morally sound, compassionate people I have ever met and she just turned into a "fibber." a little liar I guess.

Still hurtful, and disrespectful.

I really like Mai's quote of what other A's have said. I believe that too. They really don't get what their lying is doing, all of it. B/c when you get how harmful it truly is, it is hard to keep doing it to those you love. Something in their brain tells them it is justified. Some of the justifications I heard were crazy, and he believed them and stood up for it which was crazier.
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