TerpGal

I am so confused. I go between having very nice, good days with RAH and then fall into a seething patch of rage and never want to see his face again. We had a very lovely night on Sat. Since he no longer is wasting all our money on beer and impulse purchases, we have a little fun money. We went for dinner at a VERY nice restaurant that overlooked the Inner Harbor in Baltimore the went to see a comedy show. I actually had fun. But then yesterday I didn't even want to look at him.

I think I'm just dissappointed with his lack of follow through. When I was ready to walk out, he said he wanted to try marriage counselling. I put that ball in his court and he's done nothing. He gave MIL my email address (the one who I am NC with) because she asked him for it. He knows I am NC with her and it was a total invasion. He has 4 months tomorrow. I don't know what I am going to do.

honeypig

TerpGal, it's OK to bounce back and forth w/your feelings. You might find a little help in today's "Language of Letting Go" post.

I can relate to your situation, as I alternate between liking my A and wishing he was someplace far away for a long time...You say your A has 4 months of recovery. How long do you have? And how long has the alcoholic craziness gone on? I'll bet the 4 months of sobriety is a drop in the bucket, compared to the amount of time you've lived in active-A hell.

We tend to think that if they stop drinking, life will be perfect, or at least pretty damn good. The truth is that, while life is likely going to be better, all kinds of other problems still remain. They're just not hidden by the alcohol any more. And it will take TIME for the wounds to heal. And time takes time, as another poster said recently.

Hawkeye13

Yes terp, I agree with honeypig.
Time does take time, and there will be days when the anger really surfaces.

Maybe you need to express how you feel about the email sharing and marriage counseling?

Stuffing feelings will not help--it makes the anger worse in my experience.

I'm glad you had a nice night out--Baltimore is so lovely.

CodeJob

I told myself I'd make a decision when I made my step 9 amends to my H. I sort of pictured it being at the end of this year. But I am only on Step 7. So I don't know my answer yet. I plan to start Step 8 in January. So RAH is getting time.

He is now going to marriage counseling. He is trying and has made a lot of improvements. But many of them slowly built over a period of more than a year. Early recovery is a long daily grind best focused on yourself primarily.

Because YOU have enough to do with just yourself, right?

dandylion

TerpGal....I will say that I concur with the what the other posters have said, also.

Early recovery is it's own kind of "rocky road" for most people....and, 4mo. is still under the umbrella of the early recovery period (even though every day of recovery is a victory).

It is ideal if you two can talk about your feelings in a respectful and non confrontational ways. That is kind of basic for healthy relationships.
From what I have seen....the relationship in recovery seems to involve developing new ways of being with each other. In many ways...it is a "NEW" relationship.

Like Hawkeye and Honeypig said...it will take some time....and there will probably be some stumbles on the way.

An old AA saying: "Take it easy".

dandylion

TerpGal

I did tell him I was very upset that he gave MIL my email address. He said, "but she wanted to apologize to you". I'm not ready for an apology from her or any sort of contact. It makes me furious to have contact w/ her so I told him that it was not his decision to make if I was going to have contact with her or not. He apologized but I'm having a really hard time letting stuff like that go.

I am also totally not feeling 12 stepping anymore. I am furious every time I come home from a meeting.

dandylion

TerpGal....it sounds like you have lots and lots of stored anger......that is not meant to be a criticism, by the way. Just an observation of how you might be feeling....which is very COMMON for loved ones who have been struggling for a long time....

dandylion

Hawkeye13

If I could have channeled my anger at my mother's drinking, I think I could have powered the city of Baltimore for at least a few years.

You are mad and the idea of going out in the woods and screaming at a picture of him pinned to a stump, or punching a pillow, or putting into words or art which you may choose to burn and give back to the Universe, are all ways of getting the anger up and out of you without hurting anybody around you.

I'm sure others have some more suggestions, but boy the yelling in the woods was a good one for me. I also exercise it out on the stair master if I'm really in a bad funk.

You are making progress I think terp--

dandylion

Yes, the yelling, alone, in the woods is what I have done...and, I frequently recommend this to others.
Writing it on paper and then destroying the paper is another one that I have used.

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

When my sponsor asked if I trusted and respected the RA it changed my perspective on the relationship. I didn't, I realized I didn't even like him and those realizations made it much easier to call it quits.

TerpGal

Trust? Nope. Not there yet. I have moments of MAYBE trusting and I close up again. I go on the defensive or pick a fight when it seems like he's angry because before, during the drinking, if I struck the first proverbial blow it usually wouldn't turn into a full blown altercation, especially near the end. My DV counsellor basically said this was something I HAD to do during the drinking and abuse to survive. It worked and served its purpose. But it seems like it's starting to cause problems. It is now an innate, impulsive response because I just EXPECT him to get mean and angry.........even of the truth of the matter is that he is just frustrated by something that has nothing to do with me. The old "a good defense is the best offense, right?"

Respect? That's a toughie. I think he lost a lot of respect from me by the way he acted. But I do care for him very much and do like the person I see him becoming. The fact that we actually had FUN together........well........I can't tell you the last time I had fun with him. Just him and me.

meggem

I didn't/couldn't/wouldn't trust mine either. You post brought me back to the times mine would go on about how he isn't "allowed" to feel anything at all because I would always react as if it was going to be a blow out. Or I would be on guard and that would make him mad because you know "he IS allowed to have feelings" -

I don't think I have much to offer other than I COMPLETELY understand how you are feeling and others may disagree but you may need to feel this as part of your process.

I totally remember the times that we would have a "decent night out" (whatever that meant) and the next day or shortly after - i hated his ever living guts. really. UGH.

You need to scream and cry. I think you would feel better. I did that a few times and it was awesome.

Kboys

I totally get this too. Mine is 2.5 months sober. I feel less frequent periods of rage and homicidal urges as time goes on, but sometimes I will be triggered by something, even when things are going well, we're having fun together, and he's being thoughtful and helpful. And then I hate him all over again... and he gets mad because I'm mad even though he's "doing everything I have asked him to do." He seems to expect that I should just be able to "get over it" now that things are going well. But it is going to take WAY longer to "get over" all he put me through, all the lies and the broken trust.

You have a right to feel your feelings for as long as you need to feel them.

Take care of you