Coping when you dont have anymore.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Coping when you dont have anymore.
That title was supposed to read "coping when you don't have to, anymore"!!!
I'm having a really hard time at the moment emotionally. I feel really fragile and like I'm about to come apart at the seams any minute now. It scares me silly.
Part of this is because of what I've been through this last year... AH's alcoholism significantly spiralled out of control (along with the verbal and emotional abuse that goes with this), his suicide attempts, his hospitalisation, his job loss, revelation there was a one night stand, DS diagnosed with a special need, my dads death, my FIL's death, a new job, the list goes on and on.
But part of it is because RAH is 'recovering'. RAH is sober coming up 4 months now and is doing super, super, unbelievably well. I used to have to manage EVERYTHING in life....I was so super busy and so intent in managing and controlling everything around me that I literally didn't have a minute to experience any of my own 'stuff'.
RAH is doing everything. Housework, cooking, cleaning, washing, kid running around, household stuff, kids therapy....everything. As well as attending all his outpatient and group work.
Now for the first time in....my whole life.....someone else is taking care of everything, and it's leaving me time to think. The gunk that is coming out of my head is hideous....I'm really struggling to cope. It's like RAH and I have swapped places....the MC'er asked how we were in our last session...and I said "he's great, I'm now the crazy one"!!!
I realise now how well my RAH's alcoholism served me, and how my actions were designed to protect me, from ME....as opposed to my previous belief which was that I was protecting him and everyone else from his alcoholism.
The very definition of co-dependency huh?!?😳
I'm going to therapy, and alanon and MC'ing with an addiction specialist....but it's not stopping me from unravelling.
I'm not sure what I am looking for here....maybe someone who ha BTDT to tell me I WILL get through it...and I'll be a better person for it!!!
I'm having a really hard time at the moment emotionally. I feel really fragile and like I'm about to come apart at the seams any minute now. It scares me silly.
Part of this is because of what I've been through this last year... AH's alcoholism significantly spiralled out of control (along with the verbal and emotional abuse that goes with this), his suicide attempts, his hospitalisation, his job loss, revelation there was a one night stand, DS diagnosed with a special need, my dads death, my FIL's death, a new job, the list goes on and on.
But part of it is because RAH is 'recovering'. RAH is sober coming up 4 months now and is doing super, super, unbelievably well. I used to have to manage EVERYTHING in life....I was so super busy and so intent in managing and controlling everything around me that I literally didn't have a minute to experience any of my own 'stuff'.
RAH is doing everything. Housework, cooking, cleaning, washing, kid running around, household stuff, kids therapy....everything. As well as attending all his outpatient and group work.
Now for the first time in....my whole life.....someone else is taking care of everything, and it's leaving me time to think. The gunk that is coming out of my head is hideous....I'm really struggling to cope. It's like RAH and I have swapped places....the MC'er asked how we were in our last session...and I said "he's great, I'm now the crazy one"!!!
I realise now how well my RAH's alcoholism served me, and how my actions were designed to protect me, from ME....as opposed to my previous belief which was that I was protecting him and everyone else from his alcoholism.
The very definition of co-dependency huh?!?😳
I'm going to therapy, and alanon and MC'ing with an addiction specialist....but it's not stopping me from unravelling.
I'm not sure what I am looking for here....maybe someone who ha BTDT to tell me I WILL get through it...and I'll be a better person for it!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Jarp,
My experience has been from the other side of the fence, but my time in AA has allowed me to see how this can play out in established relationships.
Addiction warps relationships by creating an environment that requires "not normal" behavior to accommodate the isolation, dishonesty, self-centeredness, etc. that addiction manifests. These "not normal" behaviors become habits in the spouses, children, and others close to the alcoholic which can be every bit as hard to give up as the addiction is for the alcoholic.
The biggest step is to recognize that the "not normal" behavior exists, and that you continue to do it. With the help of a therapist, and al anon if you are interested, you can grow out of these learned behaviors. It is far harder than most people would suspect to do this; it requires that you question/challenge/change how you perceive yourself and the world around you. It won't happen overnight, but it is absolutely worth the effort.
Good luck!
My experience has been from the other side of the fence, but my time in AA has allowed me to see how this can play out in established relationships.
Addiction warps relationships by creating an environment that requires "not normal" behavior to accommodate the isolation, dishonesty, self-centeredness, etc. that addiction manifests. These "not normal" behaviors become habits in the spouses, children, and others close to the alcoholic which can be every bit as hard to give up as the addiction is for the alcoholic.
The biggest step is to recognize that the "not normal" behavior exists, and that you continue to do it. With the help of a therapist, and al anon if you are interested, you can grow out of these learned behaviors. It is far harder than most people would suspect to do this; it requires that you question/challenge/change how you perceive yourself and the world around you. It won't happen overnight, but it is absolutely worth the effort.
Good luck!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi jarp, so good to hear your RAH is taking on so much as you often hear very different accounts of recovery on this site.
You're going to be OK you know! You're super capable, resilient and self-aware. The counselling's in place and time is passing, with incremental healing.
Can you think of anything you could do to use up some of the spare energy, or maybe inject something different into your life? Weekend away? Meditation? The opposite of meditation, like jumping out of a plane?
You're going to be OK you know! You're super capable, resilient and self-aware. The counselling's in place and time is passing, with incremental healing.
Can you think of anything you could do to use up some of the spare energy, or maybe inject something different into your life? Weekend away? Meditation? The opposite of meditation, like jumping out of a plane?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Big hugs to you, jarp. I think it's "normal" when you don't have to hold things together anymore to fall apart.
It's not pleasant, but it sounds like you have built a good support system around you. Deep breaths, one day at a time.
It's not pleasant, but it sounds like you have built a good support system around you. Deep breaths, one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Wow! You are doing awesome! Really. I think you HAVE to fall apart in order to rebuild yourself. It's long, it's slow but it is happening. Recovery is a crazy ride but if you hold on tight it is the most amazing ride ever.
You are doing great. Be well and remember to love yourself every day.
You are doing great. Be well and remember to love yourself every day.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I do very well during stressful times and always have. For me sometimes when the stress ends is when I freak out/panic attack/insomnia etc. I think when you have to bottle it up because there is no choice but to, in the aftermath all that will come out of you. Its a good thing its coming out though its uncomfortable. CHange is difficult even when the change is good.
I think meditation, yoga, or anything else that can help you detox would be helpful. You are doing amazing.
What you are experiencing is very normal.
I think meditation, yoga, or anything else that can help you detox would be helpful. You are doing amazing.
What you are experiencing is very normal.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Jarp, you are right where you are supposed to be. Continue working on you, even though it's hard.
I was pretty wacked out for a period. My RAH did everything too for awhile as he was not working. I stopped being the crutch my family relied on. I learned to let of expectations go about what I was supposed to do. I started not being 100% available to my family and spent the time on me. I found a different balance where my self will no longer powers my family along some course of what I thought should happen. Now my self will is focused on my self growth.
It isn't what I would have expected, but over this period it has been good to step far outside of my self only defined by my family. I did a lot of smoothing and crafting of how we looked to the outside world. Now I don't worry so much about all of that presentation. It is scary to let some of it go.
You might find some of this posted here in my SR notes. You will come out of it. I promise for the better.
I was pretty wacked out for a period. My RAH did everything too for awhile as he was not working. I stopped being the crutch my family relied on. I learned to let of expectations go about what I was supposed to do. I started not being 100% available to my family and spent the time on me. I found a different balance where my self will no longer powers my family along some course of what I thought should happen. Now my self will is focused on my self growth.
It isn't what I would have expected, but over this period it has been good to step far outside of my self only defined by my family. I did a lot of smoothing and crafting of how we looked to the outside world. Now I don't worry so much about all of that presentation. It is scary to let some of it go.
You might find some of this posted here in my SR notes. You will come out of it. I promise for the better.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Does it feel like your head is splitting into a million parts? Like there are pieces of you, everywhere?
Yes, I've been there.
I believe based on my own experience, that it's your brain trying to get a handle on all the activity that has been going through it. The mental abuse, the psychological mind-f'ery, wrapping your head around lies and truths. There is so much there to try and deal with.
And, what I remember was it felt like I was coming apart. My mind was in pieces all over the table.
The best I could do was to take it day by day and figure out which pieces I wanted to keep and which ones I didn't. I knew I wanted to keep pieces of the me before xabf. But, I wanted to get rid of the ones that encouraged a R with an A. Eventually, I managed to get my head back together. So, it can be done!!
Also, we are coming out of a place of major mental chaos. Our minds and bodies are starting to come down and I think it's a part of the normalizing back to what we used to be. When my world calmed down, it all fell back into place nicely.
Yes, I've been there.
I believe based on my own experience, that it's your brain trying to get a handle on all the activity that has been going through it. The mental abuse, the psychological mind-f'ery, wrapping your head around lies and truths. There is so much there to try and deal with.
And, what I remember was it felt like I was coming apart. My mind was in pieces all over the table.
The best I could do was to take it day by day and figure out which pieces I wanted to keep and which ones I didn't. I knew I wanted to keep pieces of the me before xabf. But, I wanted to get rid of the ones that encouraged a R with an A. Eventually, I managed to get my head back together. So, it can be done!!
Also, we are coming out of a place of major mental chaos. Our minds and bodies are starting to come down and I think it's a part of the normalizing back to what we used to be. When my world calmed down, it all fell back into place nicely.
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