Need Help Reaching the End Result
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: FL
Posts: 2
Need Help Reaching the End Result
Sorry if I didn't post this in the right section.
To make a long story short, my dad's an alcoholic of -insert years here-. It's been decades, well before I was born.
I'm going to skip most of my background story as I don't feel like it's relevant.
I have never talked to him about his alcoholism. I do not want to talk to him about it. I don't mind writing a letter or something, but I would not be comfortable enough to talk to him without breaking down.
Here is what I've always wanted to do: write a letter to him and tell him that there is a really nice rehabilitation center at given location, include the pamphlets, and tell him that insurance will help cover the costs.
I have been trying to do this for many years. Every time I bring this up to my mom (to avoid pissing her off), she tells me to leave him alone and not bother him. Well I am sick of her, excuse my french, ****. That man is physically and mentally ill and is not going to get any treatment on his own.
What the hell am I supposed to do? Where do I start? I know there is something called a Marchman Act here in FL which would pretty much put him into rehabilitation (not at the drop of a hat, I understand there's a process).
Here's the thing, if I give my dad the option to go to rehab he's not going to go. He holds a high position in his career, and would somehow probably think that him leaving for 60-90 days to go to rehab would get him fired... Well to my understanding it is illegal to fire someone using FMLA to treat themselves for what is noted as a disability by the AMA.
I blame my mother for not having the balls to put him into rehab. I am fed up and I am not going to let her get in the way anymore. My grandmother, (dad's mom) tried to put him into rehabilitation once and he stopped talking to her for many years. So perhaps that explains why my mom doesn't want me to say anything.
So, basically, what I am saying is that I can't sit here and watch him do this to himself any longer. The difference between his mom trying to put him into rehab, and me trying to put him into rehab... Is that I am not going to ask him for his permission for ****; I am just going to go through with the Marchman Act I don't care what type of fees I have to pay.
Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can pull this off? Any helpful advice on anything you might've seen in my post? I have thick skin and don't get offended easily.
My end result is for my dad to go to rehab. I am not worried so much about him coming out sober the first time... I just want him to get in and take the first step.
How do I get to the end result?
To make a long story short, my dad's an alcoholic of -insert years here-. It's been decades, well before I was born.
I'm going to skip most of my background story as I don't feel like it's relevant.
I have never talked to him about his alcoholism. I do not want to talk to him about it. I don't mind writing a letter or something, but I would not be comfortable enough to talk to him without breaking down.
Here is what I've always wanted to do: write a letter to him and tell him that there is a really nice rehabilitation center at given location, include the pamphlets, and tell him that insurance will help cover the costs.
I have been trying to do this for many years. Every time I bring this up to my mom (to avoid pissing her off), she tells me to leave him alone and not bother him. Well I am sick of her, excuse my french, ****. That man is physically and mentally ill and is not going to get any treatment on his own.
What the hell am I supposed to do? Where do I start? I know there is something called a Marchman Act here in FL which would pretty much put him into rehabilitation (not at the drop of a hat, I understand there's a process).
Here's the thing, if I give my dad the option to go to rehab he's not going to go. He holds a high position in his career, and would somehow probably think that him leaving for 60-90 days to go to rehab would get him fired... Well to my understanding it is illegal to fire someone using FMLA to treat themselves for what is noted as a disability by the AMA.
I blame my mother for not having the balls to put him into rehab. I am fed up and I am not going to let her get in the way anymore. My grandmother, (dad's mom) tried to put him into rehabilitation once and he stopped talking to her for many years. So perhaps that explains why my mom doesn't want me to say anything.
So, basically, what I am saying is that I can't sit here and watch him do this to himself any longer. The difference between his mom trying to put him into rehab, and me trying to put him into rehab... Is that I am not going to ask him for his permission for ****; I am just going to go through with the Marchman Act I don't care what type of fees I have to pay.
Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can pull this off? Any helpful advice on anything you might've seen in my post? I have thick skin and don't get offended easily.
My end result is for my dad to go to rehab. I am not worried so much about him coming out sober the first time... I just want him to get in and take the first step.
How do I get to the end result?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, so you don't want any punches pulled.
Stay out of it. Leave your dad alone. Your mom isn't responsible for putting him in rehab, and neither are you.
If he's still holding a high position in his job, no court is going to involuntarily commit him. He's not a danger to himself or others. His drinking may be ruining his health, but people are allowed to do that.
Forcing him into rehab, even if you were legally capable of doing that, would not get him sober. People get sober when they WANT to get sober, and not a minute sooner. Interventions sometimes work, when the entire family is on the same page, but you seem to be the only one pushing for this.
Stay out of it. Leave your dad alone. Your mom isn't responsible for putting him in rehab, and neither are you.
If he's still holding a high position in his job, no court is going to involuntarily commit him. He's not a danger to himself or others. His drinking may be ruining his health, but people are allowed to do that.
Forcing him into rehab, even if you were legally capable of doing that, would not get him sober. People get sober when they WANT to get sober, and not a minute sooner. Interventions sometimes work, when the entire family is on the same page, but you seem to be the only one pushing for this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 51
I agree with LexiCat. And in addition to not getting sober, he will likely stop talking to you too. I think you have every right to tell him how you feel, but not what to do. In short, if it gets in the way of his drinking or makes him feel defensive about his drinking, it won't be received well and could further damage your relationship. So do what ya gotta do but keep that in mind. Good luck, I know how painful and frustrating it is to watch someone do that to themselves while everyone works around it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Sorry MJZ that you are going through this frustrating situation. You care about your dad and want to help him. I think it would be great for you to write a letter to him letting him know how his behavior has and is currently affecting you. I see nothing wrong in you suggesting rehab or another form of treatment, but you also need to understand that he may not act on your suggestion. And if he doesn't, at least you did what you could, and you will know that. Good luck!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: texas
Posts: 43
Forgive your mom. It's easy to blame her, but the frustration you now feel she has felt much longer and deeper because kids were involved. You can't force rehab. You can only choose your attitude. It's obviously hurtful for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
This is really intriguing. I was Xmas shopping and a husband and wife were talking about someone committing a family member with this law in the store I was in! They did not sound too positive that the addict was going to come out of rehab staying sober.
You could see a lawyer and talk to them about your father's case. It might help you come to terms with whether such a drastic intervention is worth the downstream effects. Online I saw some lawyers charge a flat fee. You might want to compare what a flat fee includes versus a lawyer who charges by the hour.
I think what really caught my eye on your post was the fact you have never spoken to your father about his addiction and your feelings about it to his face? Why is this? Personally, I'd start with that rather than the involuntary commitment. Tough to face him?
The other thing is what is your mom really suffering with at home? Is she alone with him? Is he abusive? Is she safe? You sound like you have a tremendous amount of anger towards her. Like perhaps your relationship with her is estranged?
You sound like you are launched. It sounds to me you have a lot of drive and are successful thus far in life! Maybe you could consider looking into how your dad's drinking has impacted you?
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
Are there other sibs dealing with your father and the fall out too?
I wish you well. I hope you find a way forward.
You could see a lawyer and talk to them about your father's case. It might help you come to terms with whether such a drastic intervention is worth the downstream effects. Online I saw some lawyers charge a flat fee. You might want to compare what a flat fee includes versus a lawyer who charges by the hour.
I think what really caught my eye on your post was the fact you have never spoken to your father about his addiction and your feelings about it to his face? Why is this? Personally, I'd start with that rather than the involuntary commitment. Tough to face him?
The other thing is what is your mom really suffering with at home? Is she alone with him? Is he abusive? Is she safe? You sound like you have a tremendous amount of anger towards her. Like perhaps your relationship with her is estranged?
You sound like you are launched. It sounds to me you have a lot of drive and are successful thus far in life! Maybe you could consider looking into how your dad's drinking has impacted you?
The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
Are there other sibs dealing with your father and the fall out too?
I wish you well. I hope you find a way forward.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
My mother is an alcoholic and I came to this site with the full intention of figuring out how to "fix" her. I was not getting any help from my very enabling father. I planned to "fix" her because I am so caring. (read: controlling) What I found out is that it is not my responsibility nor my right to decide how other's live their lives. It is my responsibility and my right to decide how I am going to live and to protect myself from other's problems. I know these are not the answers that you wanted to hear coming to this site. I went to Alanon, too and they gave me the same answers. Honestly, I have never been more emotionally healthy in my life than now and my mother is still an active alcoholic and my father is still an active enabler. God's got this. Give it to him. Be free to live the best live that you can knowing that Someone/Something way more powerful than you has the whole kit and caboodle in his very capable hands.
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