Shutterbug1

Oh boy...he just called. I didn't answer. Well, looks like he's not planning on leaving me alone. SO frustrating! I'll just have to keep ignoring his calls. I'm so irritated. deep breaths...stay calm.

LexieCat

Can't you block his number?

Shutterbug1

I'm afraid to. I feel like its a way to monitor whether or not he will become a threat to me. Like now he's just calling, which is stressful, but if he starts leaving crazy/threatening messages then i can know his intentions ahead of time and be prepared. I work in a public place and he lives near where i work. I have this ongoing fear that if he can't get through to me his behavior will escalate and he will show up at work or something. It makes me want to quit my job. I dont know what to do, I dont know how to handle the fear. It's really come clear to me how mentally ill he is and I'm scared of him. I think back to violent/insane things hes said and his really scary dark thoughts he's told me about. It all really freaks me out. I can feel the fear in my body just thinking about it. When i was a kid and my mother left my father, he swore he would find us and kill us. It was so terrifying...this kind of stuff brings that all back up and its really hard for me to deal with. I hate being afraid of someone. He has never directly threatened me but i have seen how insane, and i truly mean insane, he can be when high and i don't doubt he could do something really horrible in that state of mind.

Shutterbug1

I guess a lot of times when i have answered the phone in the past, i was placating someone i am scared of. Its also the reason i want to end it on good terms, i dont want him to want to hurt me. I guess i am deluding myself...thinking i can control that.

Shutterbug1

I feel like something is really wrong with me because on one hand, i dont want him to hurt himself and worry about him...and on the other hand I'm afraid of him and don't want him to hurt me. Why do i even care about someone who scares me and who i feel threatened by? I'll be bringing this up in my next therapy session.

LexieCat

You said he's never threatened you. I understand you feel scared because of what happened with your parents, but it doesn't sound like you have any real reason to fear this guy. So maybe just blocking his number is a reasonable solution. Otherwise, sooner or later you are going to answer the phone, which is what he is hoping you'll do. And he'll make his pitch again, and you'll be upset again.