Disappointing Thing Happened Today With Husband's Family

Old 12-13-2014, 09:34 PM
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Disappointing Thing Happened Today With Husband's Family

As you know, I sent an email to my husband's mother last week letting her know that I thought it was great her son opened up to her about his sobriety from alcohol. And I was happy because even though it is up to my husband to not drink, his family in the past has made this goal of his more of a challenge. She had emailed me back that she has always thought her son should abstain from alcohol.

Ok, great.

So today his mom and stepfather were out and about on a small overnight trip (we both had talked to his mom earlier). So my husband then gets a text of his mother eating lunch with a message where she was eating at, but the picture had in front of it an empty shot glass and empty Corona bottle. This text was sent to my husband, his sister, his stepsister, and stepbrother. My initial feeling was disappointment, as she looked a little drunk in the text, and I just did not think this was a great picture for my husband to get.

So, he then gets another text from his stepfather, who also looked a little loopy. In his picture, he included a message saying that he was enjoying tomato bisque soup and brandy (with the soup and brandy in the picture). This picture made me feel a lot of disappointment, as his stepfather was spelling out the alcohol (brandy).

I told my husband that this is just really disappointing, as these pictures are not supportive of his new sobriety from alcohol. When I had told his mother in the email last week that we can all be supportive of her husband in OUR OWN UNIQUE WAYS, this is exactly what I was talking about.

My husband agreed with me, that he did not understand why they were sending these pictures with the alcohol in it (this was good that he saw this, yah!)

So, my husband sent a text back to them (he had me write it since I am better at writing), and he told them "thank you for the pictures, but I am sober and don't drink anymore."

His mom then sent a text back saying, "I know you don't drink anymore, but don't you still like clam chowder and tomato bisque soup." He did not want to get in a conflict with her, and so he texted back "We love you, it's just that I'm trying not to drink anymore." She then texted back "We love you too."

So that was that. Just wanted to hear some feedback on this situation.
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Old 12-13-2014, 10:19 PM
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It's really hard for people who are not alcoholic or don't identify as alcoholic to understand what even a picture could do.

It's very likely they meant nothing by it at all - simply sharing their scrumptious lunch.

D
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Old 12-13-2014, 10:28 PM
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I'm sure that they meant nothing by it as well, but it still was disappointing. I am glad my husband brought it
to their attention.

They may also now choose not to take Tequila shots and ring bells in front of their son at parties.

I just believe that it does not hurt to educate my husband's family on how these behaviors can be
counterproductive to his alcohol sobriety
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Old 12-13-2014, 10:40 PM
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I gave up trying to re-educate my family - 8 years on and I still get offered a beer
Trying too hard to 're-educate' just made things weird, to be honest.

In the end, I learned I'm the only one I can really change, so I learned to rise above the thoughtlessness

Hope you and Hubs can too

D
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Old 12-13-2014, 11:43 PM
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Wouldn't it be better for your husbands long term sobriety if he were to do the communicating and boundary setting himself? It's his family after all. The initial email was sent by you, it sounds like you initiated the conversation regarding the pictures with your husband, then you helped write the text. At some point you're going to have to relinquish the reins of his sobriety to him. Why not start now?
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Old 12-14-2014, 04:23 AM
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Yup, afraid he's gonna have to manage his own mom and dad. He can set his own boundaries with them--not your place.

Dee's right, many people are clueless, but as people in recovery it's our own responsibility to take whatever action we need to take to protect our OWN sobriety.
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Old 12-14-2014, 04:33 AM
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it's kind of odd that you are actually composing your husband's texts to his own parents because "you are better at writing"....

I would find this really smothering.
but if he is stoned on pot all day, maybe he can't articulate well?

something to consider, you seem to be orchestrating everything....
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Old 12-14-2014, 04:33 AM
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I see it like this. They may very well have thought they were supporting him by not treating him different. It was only a photo.

Do you two avoid stores, television and radio so you don't see images of alcohol?
Are you not engaging in social activities because of alcohol?
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Old 12-14-2014, 04:56 AM
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Originally Posted by happybeingme View Post
I see it like this. They may very well have thought they were supporting him by not treating him different. It was only a photo.

Do you two avoid stores, television and radio so you don't see images of alcohol?
Are you not engaging in social activities because of alcohol?
Well, it IS a little different when you have a family member sort of virtually waving it under your nose. Insensitive, to put it mildly, but lots of families seem to do that sort of thing.

No, nobody has to be protected from every view, smell, encounter with alcohol. It's everywhere. It's inconsiderate for family members to be in your face with it.

But, as I was saying, that's a boundary for the alcoholic to enforce for himself.
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Old 12-14-2014, 04:56 AM
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Do you see this was very controlling on your part towards both your husband's family and him?
Insensitive perhaps, but how most people will act which you must get used to sober.

This kind of manipulation is going to backfire on you jb
You're so busy trying to make it right you're getting it all wrong I'm sorry to say--
His family and his sobriety really is his concern or everyone will end up resenting you
if they don't already.


How are your Alanon and AA meetings going lately?
Are you still without a sponsor or have you found one?

Let's keep the focus on you for a little while
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Old 12-14-2014, 05:16 AM
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Lexie we just disagree. Insensitive? Perhaps but, like I said maybe she is just trying to be supportive by treating him normal. The thing is, if we don't share what we need for support than people are going to do what they always do.

As for the second part. I actually know a woman who spent 20 years staying away from alcohol. Missed out on weddings, funerals, birthdays, everything. She and her husband divorced for other reasons and she went back to drinking. It happens. I asked to try to get a better understanding of what kind of support JB is looking for. How they are functioning, what are their expectations.
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Old 12-14-2014, 05:33 AM
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No, happy, I think we do agree. My point was that "sharing what we need for support" is something he should be doing for himself, not her doing it for him.

And I one hundred percent agree about not hiding from alcohol, EXCEPT in the very beginning when you don't have any other tools. "Hiding" or avoiding being around drinking, is a very useful strategy in early sobriety. That period of time shouldn't be more than a few months or so, just till you're strong on your feet. But even with solid sobriety, if you are in a bad head space, avoiding alcohol is a smart move. A temporary measure, at best, but if that's what you need at the moment it's what you should do.

I'm six years sober, myself, and I avoided being around drinking in early sobriety. It helped me a lot, I think, not to be exposing myself unnecessarily. I have no problem being around it now, though it can get under my skin if I have to be around it for prolonged periods of time.
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Old 12-14-2014, 05:42 AM
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This is all part of the second C. You cannot control other people, period. In this case, you cannot control his family's effort or lack of effort to influence your husband. Or anyone else's except your own.

This coming from someone who was bound and determined for thirty-five years that if everyone would just DO WHAT I WANTED THEM TO then everyone would be super happy and nothing would ever go wrong in life. Turns out people have free will and are not just puppets in the play of my life. I have found it is better for me to accept others exactly as they are and not how I wish they were. And it would it seem that they appreciate this as well.
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Old 12-14-2014, 06:05 AM
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it's just that I'm trying not to drink anymore

is this the same guy that has already PLANNED to DRINK on the upcoming cruise???

a super easy way to deal with texts or emails that bother us is to......wait for it.....DELETE THEM.

is he also sending letters, written by you, to television stations asking them to stop showing beer ads? or newspapers to stop including shopping inserts that promote alcohol sales? is he now going to ask the cruise line to please not provide alcohol?

his parents are free to do whatever they like, to take photos and share them if they choose. if he's that rattled by a photo with a beer in it then that's on HIM to check his own sobriety. THEY aren't the problem............
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Old 12-14-2014, 06:55 AM
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Justbreathe...this morning I was thinking about how much our lives can change in the space of one year. Sometimes, time clicks along at what seems like a plateau....predictable routines without any big dramatic shifts, one way or another.
THEN---there are times in our life when one year seems like there is almost a 360 degree shift in direction. Change is always happening in our lives. Sometimes, creeping slowly as a catapillar, and, sometimes, speeding forward like a locomotive. Always moving forward, though....into the future.

Justbreathe, I have a feeling that, for you, this will be a fast-forward year.
I predict that you will learn a lot this year....and, that much of it will be in the most instructive "classroom" of all--the school of experience. I know that is where I learned my toughest but most important lessons. (Man, were some of them tough!).
I think that many things in your life will look different than they do right now....because you will be looking at them in light of new experiences and new hard-gained knowledge.
Through a new (or rearranged) filter.

Oh, sure, you are gets lots of feed-back, here. TONS and TONS of it...LOL!!
We are sharing and "telling" and trying to impart what is felt to be essential information.
But, of course, few of us accept--flat-out what is told to us.
We process that new information, first....in the light of our past experiences and our current circumstances.
You, of course, are doing this very thing, right now. Of course.

The universe, according to it's own laws will unfold around you. Just as it does for everyone else.
More will surely be revealed.

I believe, that, this time, next year you will find a "different" Justbreathe.
I want it to be a Justbreathe with much more inner peace.....

I think it will be....

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Old 12-14-2014, 09:29 AM
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Leslie- I guess I just see it different. When I quit drinking there was beer in the fridge. I decided right from the get go the drinking problem was mine and mine alone. It was up to me to figure out how to live as an alcoholic in a non alcoholic world. I also didn't crave or obsess over it.
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Old 12-14-2014, 11:55 AM
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I'm sorry, but most of you have missed the boat on this. And it is not me being defensive (which some of you believe when I disagree), but is merely me disagreeing. It is very insensitive to send your son a picture and text saying that you are enjoying brandy when your son is less than 30 days sober, PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

Of course we cannot control tv ads, radio, etc, etc, but this is different and coming from your family, and something that can be avoided. Of course it is up to my husband to control whether or not he drinks and that we are powerless over what others do, but this is something that his family can do to help their son out, PERIOD.

Someone mentioned how his family can come to resent me if they do not already. I used to allow all of this nonsense to go unnoticed by his family and how they would glamorize drinking in front of their son who has had numerous attempts to stop drinking. I am now at the point in which I would rather have my relationship with my husband and have them resent me, than to not have my relationship with my husband and have them like me. I don't care what they think about me anymore.

A few years ago my husband had some time sober, and his sister brought him to a bar behind my back at a St. Patrick's Day party with two of their cousins. My husband gave in to the temptation and drank, which I later found out about. Was it truly up to my husband to decline the invitation? Yes. Was it still insensitive of his sister to dangle that temptation in front of him? Of course.

When my husband texted his mother back after she had asked him does he not like clam chowder or tomato bisque soup, he said it best with "We love you and just trying not drink no more." This is my point. He was telling her that he is newly sober and needs all the support he can get, and that pictures of brandy are not helping. SIMPLE.

I told my sister about this situation last night. She said it perfectly when she called them ignorant and stupid, and that their actions clearly show their part in losing their other son (my husband's twin brother) to drug addiction several years ago.
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Old 12-14-2014, 12:01 PM
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JustBreathe...I say....continue what you are doing...exactly as you are doing it!!!!

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Old 12-14-2014, 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
JustBreathe...I say....continue what you are doing...exactly as you are doing it!!!!

dandylion
Thank you. It really did feel empowering for my husband and me to send those texts. There has been too much nonsense by his family for too long, and I am tired of it. Like I said, I will be polite and assertive with them, but I don't care anymore what they think about me. My relationship and my serenity and sanity and safety within my relationship with my husband is more important.
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Old 12-14-2014, 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980 View Post
Of course we cannot control tv ads, radio, etc, etc, but this is different and coming from your family, and something that can be avoided. Of course it is up to my husband to control whether or not he drinks and that we are powerless over what others do, but this is something that his family can do to help their son out, PERIOD.
Yes. And if they choose not to, that is their right.
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