Carlotta

If I remember well, you just got 40 days which is awesome but not long term sobriety by any means. How did seeing those pictures make you feel? Have you been having cravings or longing for drinks or is your AV quiet? Have you found some AA meetings you like? met some nice (or aggravating lol) people? What's up with your own recovery?
I am asking you not in a malicious kind of way at all (remember I ve walked in those shoes) but because even though you are in early sobriety I do not see you post on the alcoholism forum.
Don't forget that you are an alcoholic yourself and to put your oxygen mask on first. It would be sad if you were so distracted by his and his family's issues that you forgot about yourself and ended up drinking.

Soberintexas007

When I talked to my husband today on the phone, I guess his mother called him and they talked about Christmas (I guess we are going to his aunt's house). She also told him they did not mean any harm by those pictures. I told my husband that I understood that, but that it was still not smart of them to glamorize drinking brandy to their newly sober from alcohol son. He then said that they did not want to disinclude him from the group text as well.

After this conversation, I felt a bit snubbed by my husband even though he told me not to worry, and so I vindictively texted his mother about the situation. I told her that her son told me in private that he wanted to drink on our upcoming cruise, that my parents and me don't want me being a in a relationship with an active alcoholic, I don't know what to do anymore, and that I am trying to prevent her son's drinking by controlling everyone and everything, and this control is beginning to backfire on me and this is unfair to me.

She responded back to me that her son should never drink again, that he needs to stick to his decision to do this, that it is very difficult being an addict, that she does not want to see me get hurt or have her son lose everything he has, that this seems to be an ongoing dilemma, and then asked if he is going to any meetings. I told her that he does not like AA or counseling, but that I am in AA and Al-Anon.

She then said that she would meet with her son this week and have a long talk with him, as well as his stepfather would talk to him. She asked if this was okay, which I said sounded good.

I don't know if my husband found out about any of this, but I have been getting calls from him all day saying that he loves me, that his parents do stupid things when they drink (now he says this other than what he was saying before earlier this morning!!!), and to not pay attention to his parents and that all that matters is me, him, my mom, and my dad. He then said tonight that he wants everything to go back to normal and no more drama.

I also later outed my husband's plans on drinking on the cruise to my parents and sister. My dad said he has been doing well not drinking for now and to try and get through the holidays. My sister thinks it is good that his family knows more about the situation so that there are no secrets.

Right now, I am feeling very uncomfortable.

Carlotta

I am sure you are. Early sobriety is a roller coaster of emotions and also chemical changes in your brain. It is the time when your body is healing itself. Quite exhausting for most people (plus dealing with the freaking AV).
I remember going through all that and also my live in XABF. It was horrible but at least I did not have to deal with some family drama too.
You must be beyond exhausted. I know it is easier said than done but try to cut things down to basics and keep it as simple as possible. Walk away from the drama rather than generating it or jumping into it.

Be kind to yourself and nurture your own sobriety

Soberintexas007

My worry right now is what if when my husband's parents talk to him they disclose that I told them about his plans to drink on our upcoming cruise. What if my husband then confronts me about outing him about this, how should I respond to him? Or should I tell him I outed him before he maybe finds out?

LexieCat

You wouldn't have those worries if you weren't MANAGING everyone and everything. Look at what's going on. Now you are worried about who thinks what about what you said to whom.

Confide in whomever you NEED to confide in for your own sobriety, and stop trying to manage everyone. And let go of his reactions to what you say for your own well-being.

I'd be pretty ticked off, myself, if someone were talking about me to my family members for "my own good."

Soberintexas007

How come my sister is happy that I confided in his family. She thinks they need to know and be aware of the severity of what their son is doing. She thinks that maybe they will stop being stupid and stop glamorizing alcohol around their son. We don't care that they drink around us, but we are fed up with his family "glamorizing" alcohol in front of him and me.

And too bad if he is ticked off. He can either leave or if he pulls any stunt, I will not hesitate to call the police (and then I will get everything!!!)

Soberintexas007

The reality is that I may be feeling uncomfortable, but the end result is that I have gotten exactly what I wanted - his family is now worried and maybe they will think twice about sending stupid texts.

I have shaken up the family system by my interventions. I am a wizard.

Plus, I have no cravings to drink alcohol in all of this. That is the easy part for me.

Soberintexas007

Husband just came home. He asked for my forgiveness. I asked him what he did wrong. He said it seemed that I was upset at him today. I told him that what is upsetting me is that I want HIM to take more control of his own recovery, and that I cannot carry him on my back. I told him that I also would like his family to be more supportive of his recovery as well, or else I feel like I am the only one that actually cares about any of this.

He agreed.

jarp

Can I ask a genuine question? Are you guys really young or from a culture where there is a great deal of parental involvement in adult children's lives?

Along with trying to control everyone and everything around you (and I don't mean that unkindly - I absolutely promise you I have been there, done that, and still struggle with it) it seems that you require, and your parents have an awful amount of involvement and control in your lives.

Maybe it would help if you guys became a bit more independent and both of you had the chance to work out how to be together on your own terms?

Seren

The link to our DO's and DON'Ts sticky was placed in this thread for a reason, but that reason appears to have been ignored.

If you find this thread topic and this member, or any thread topic or particular member, is making you a bit hot under the collar....it's time to place that member on your Ignore List and move on to help someone else.

All you need to do is click on the member name next to one of their posts, select 'Add ________ to your Ignore List', and follow the prompts. You will never seen another post written by the member again.

If you cannot state your truth with respect, then please do not do so at all.

LexieCat

I'll have to admit I no longer know how to support you, either. I can't sit here and say what you are doing is just fine, because in my honest opinion, based on long years of experience (not to mention training in domestic violence), what you are doing will cause you harm.

At the same time, I don't feel that any of my/our suggestions are having any positive impact because your mind appears to be nailed shut.

I will support your safety, and your right to make your own decisions, but I can't offer you what you seem to want, which is unconditional approval of your actions.

I'll be here if you need or want help instead of applause. In other words, I am detaching.

I wish you the best.

CodeJob

JB,

I can only hazard that you are at your core, afraid. Just as your H likely is.

When I worked on me, I realized I have similar emotional processing deficits as my H. He became an A to deal with it over several decades. I control situations and eat sugar.

Now my H doesn't really get this part of how we are both ACOA and have the same core problem. It doesn't really matter. It has made me much more patient with him, other wackadoodle Codependents (like my mother), and even myself (because sometimes I still do not know how to handle my emotions).

I don't expect my H to be what I expect. He is who he is and he is where he is in his recovery. He is by no means perfect. He cannot process emotions well. He has a lifetime of buried issues that the counselor may never get him to open up about. Things I may never know lie at the heart of his problem.

My mother is gearing up for her annual passive aggressive Xmas fest. I'll be glad to see her and glad to return back to my corner of the world. I have no belief that I can give her a copy of Codependent No More in her stocking and watch her curb a lifetime of entanglement with one read. I'm not even giving her the book. Recovery is a path I don't think I'm meant to put her on.

I might be on the Steps of my own recovery, but I am no wizard. I'll just leave them two right where they are. I'll interact with them as best I can without trying to change them.

This website has a lot of great well researched articles on emotional issues and alcoholism.

How far have we come in understanding this emotional disorder? | The Alcoholics Guide to Alcoholism

I think if you just worked on YOU, your change in focus on your H would actually improve his own situation. It would remove pressure. It might be best for you to discover who this man is without your head up his you know what. You are supposed to be his wife, not a large animal vet or some all powerful wizard.

MissFixit

I was wondering that too.

With concern, something seems off here.

Sungrl

Me three, I was thinking drinking as well.

Very bizarre.

Dee74

closing this thread for now. The forum mods may or may not re-open.

Dee
Moderator
SR