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Disappointing Thing Happened Today With Husband's Family

Old 12-14-2014, 12:24 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Surely every A is different in this way and should be left to determine and manage their own boundaries here?

My RAH very specifically said to his large family (who love a drink) that he didn't want them to change their drinking habits in front if him, because that would be just 'too weird' for him and he'd feel even more in the spotlight and awkward than he does already.

I struggled w this to be honest...I thought it would be just too hard for him to resist....because I didn't trust I this ability to maintain his own boundary....because I was so used to controlling (or tying to control) him.

I know you mean well...my RAH is coming up 4 months sober and with every week I'm seeing how futile and counterproductive my attempts were (and still are) to 'get' him to sobriety and to 'keep' him there.

Seriously....I'd stay out of it. It's hard. If his family sending you pics of booze and it's compromising YOUR sobriety then by all means communicate that, but give your H the opportunity to think for himself...?
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Old 12-14-2014, 12:27 PM
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So what did you do for your sobriety today?

Girlfriend, you sure are taking the cake at codependency!
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Old 12-14-2014, 12:31 PM
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Not intending to sound harsh, or insensitive here, but ...........

the rest of the world cannot continue to walk on eggshells .

We Walk on eggshells when they are drinking, We walk on eggshells when they are NOT drinking. Sorry, but that gets real old........... as a matter of fact, it's not my responsibility to manage someone else's recovery.

I think you maybe reading more into the photo, than is actually intended. Two people were out to lunch, and had a drink/drinks, ... it happens everyday across the world, some folks have problems with alcohol, some don't.

Life can and does go on with or without the booze.
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Old 12-14-2014, 12:36 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by jarp View Post
Surely every A is different in this way and should be left to determine and manage their own boundaries here?

My RAH very specifically said to his large family (who love a drink) that he didn't want them to change their drinking habits in front if him, because that would be just 'too weird' for him and he'd feel even more in the spotlight and awkward than he does already.

I struggled w this to be honest...I thought it would be just too hard for him to resist....because I didn't trust I this ability to maintain his own boundary....because I was so used to controlling (or tying to control) him.

I know you mean well...my RAH is coming up 4 months sober and with every week I'm seeing how futile and counterproductive my attempts were (and still are) to 'get' him to sobriety and to 'keep' him there.

Seriously....I'd stay out of it. It's hard. If his family sending you pics of booze and it's compromising YOUR sobriety then by all means communicate that, but give your H the opportunity to think for himself...?
My husband did respond that he could not understand why his family was sending those pics. It was great that he spoke up about his feelings, as he has been so used to suppressing his feelings to his family to keep the peace.
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Old 12-14-2014, 12:40 PM
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Originally Posted by CodeJob View Post
So what did you do for your sobriety today?

Girlfriend, you sure are taking the cake at codependency!
My sobriety is fine and in tact. Helping others out when your own foundation is strong is not codependence. Human beings are not just robots.
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Old 12-14-2014, 12:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980 View Post
My husband did respond that he could not understand why his family was sending those pics. It was great that he spoke up about his feelings, as he has been so used to suppressing his feelings to his family to keep the peace.
What if you quit talking with him about his alcoholism and triggers? From what you wrote earlier, you initiated the alcohol photo conversation and he agreed with you. Do you see how you are manipulating the situation?
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Old 12-14-2014, 12:42 PM
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It just sounds like your focus is on managing him, managing his family (for him), managing his access to alcohol on your cruise (for him) rather than on managing your own recovery. Energy spent on managing other people would be better spent on taking care of your own well-being.
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Old 12-14-2014, 12:55 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
Not intending to sound harsh, or insensitive here, but ...........

the rest of the world cannot continue to walk on eggshells .

We Walk on eggshells when they are drinking, We walk on eggshells when they are NOT drinking. Sorry, but that gets real old........... as a matter of fact, it's not my responsibility to manage someone else's recovery.

I think you maybe reading more into the photo, than is actually intended. Two people were out to lunch, and had a drink/drinks, ... it happens everyday across the world, some folks have problems with alcohol, some don't.

Life can and does go on with or without the booze.
It was not really the picture that was bothersome, it was the fact that they texted their son that "they were enjoying brandy." They did not need to spell that out, it was unnecessary.

My husband and I don't expect people to stop drinking around us (we were fine at Thanksgiving). But there are certain instances that are insensitive, such as this example.
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Old 12-14-2014, 12:59 PM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
What if you quit talking with him about his alcoholism and triggers? From what you wrote earlier, you initiated the alcohol photo conversation and he agreed with you. Do you see how you are manipulating the situation?
That is not manipulation, it is called helping someone work through their feelings. For example, when someone goes to a therapist, does not the therapist help someone explore their feelings with probing and asking questions.

And I will not quit talking with my husband about his alcoholism and triggers. These are very meaningful discussions. Treatment or not, my husband has over 3 weeks sober from alcohol. We have been going to movies, out to dinner, shopping at the mall with the Christmas decorations, babysitting my sister's puppy, etc. These things would not be happening if he was still drinking.
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Old 12-14-2014, 01:00 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
It just sounds like your focus is on managing him, managing his family (for him), managing his access to alcohol on your cruise (for him) rather than on managing your own recovery. Energy spent on managing other people would be better spent on taking care of your own well-being.
I am skilled enough to do both.
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Old 12-14-2014, 01:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980 View Post
I am skilled enough to do both.
I hardly know what to say to that.

It isn't a matter of "skill," it's a matter of focus. And also tending to your own issues and problems and allowing someone else the dignity of handling their own.

I can remember when my brother and I took horseback riding lessons when we were kids. He's two years younger than I am (so I was like 13 and he was 11 or so), and the whole time I'd be yelling "advice" to him about what he was doing wrong. I still remember the instructor, in the center of the arena, yelling, "Keep your heels down, Lexie's Brother! Mind your own business, Lexie!"

And she was exactly right. As long as I was paying attention to what he was doing (wrong, in my not-so-expert opinion), I was not paying attention to what *I* was doing wrong.

It's also a different story if someone ASKS for help with something. Sometimes it's OK to help, and other times it's best to let someone figure it out on their own, or to seek help from someone with a lot more experience.

You're very newly sober, yourself. What you are doing isn't good for either one of you, based on my years of experience in recovery.
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Old 12-14-2014, 01:19 PM
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I have a brother who is an excellent lawyer/law professor, (in this little sister's eyes this guy is the greatest)

When I was going thru a divorce many years ago, and asked for his help, he declined, stating he was much to close to this situation, and felt he could not be fair and objective, as he has spent his lifetime being the big brother/ protector. He referred me to someone he trusted, and the divorce really did go ultra smooth. ( if you can say that about a divorce)

My point being, have you considered you maybe WAY to close to your husband to be objective? and fair? what about being fair to yourself here?

You certainly have alot on your plate here, I would hate to see you compromise your own recovery, I am truly concerned for you Justbreathe. So what happens to you, when your hubby just can't take it, and starts drinking? Do you have a plan for YOU in the event that happens?

While none of us have a crystal ball to predict the future, and I only wish good things for you and hubby, my gut is screaming, " stop running into the burning building!!!"

peace, friend.
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Old 12-14-2014, 01:22 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Man oh man is his family going to resent you when they see pictures of him drinking on the cruise - or are you going to hide that fact from them?
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Old 12-14-2014, 01:23 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I hardly know what to say to that.

It isn't a matter of "skill," it's a matter of focus. And also tending to your own issues and problems and allowing someone else the dignity of handling their own.

I can remember when my brother and I took horseback riding lessons when we were kids. He's two years younger than I am (so I was like 13 and he was 11 or so), and the whole time I'd be yelling "advice" to him about what he was doing wrong. I still remember the instructor, in the center of the arena, yelling, "Keep your heels down, Lexie's Brother! Mind your own business, Lexie!"

And she was exactly right. As long as I was paying attention to what he was doing (wrong, in my not-so-expert opinion), I was not paying attention to what *I* was doing wrong.

It's also a different story if someone ASKS for help with something. Sometimes it's OK to help, and other times it's best to let someone figure it out on their own, or to seek help from someone with a lot more experience.

You're very newly sober, yourself. What you are doing isn't good for either one of you, based on my years of experience in recovery.
I am not going to get off track. It was insensitive of his parents to send that text and picture, period. I thought it, and when I asked him, those same words came out of his mouth. This example does not need to become a theoretical debate about codependence.
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Old 12-14-2014, 01:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980 View Post
I am not going to get off track. It was insensitive of his parents to send that text and picture, period. I thought it, and when I asked him, those same words came out of his mouth. This example does not need to become a theoretical debate about codependence.
Well, that's kinda what this forum is about.

You posted in the first place, which suggested you were looking for feedback.

I happen to agree it was insensitive of them, and I happen to agree that it's probably good for him to have some boundaries around that, but my response to you is that it's really his job to manage his interactions with his family. That's all.

And that your own recovery would be better served by allowing him to do those things.
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Old 12-14-2014, 01:56 PM
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What we learn in AA is the only thing that matters is our drinking and decision to stop one day at a time. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, simply let it go.
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Old 12-14-2014, 03:13 PM
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Harsh as some posts may seem to you, I know from eight, almost nine years on these boards that every post comes from a place of caring.

If you feel like you're doing the right thing, keep doing it. But do consider that people here are sharing their experiences of living with addictions and recovery -- their own and others' -- and as much as you may get annoyed at the advice, tuck it away somewhere for possible future use.

I started posting here, then hated the advice I got so much that I only read and didn't post for the better part of... three years or so. What I learned during that time carried me through some very hard times.

I hope things go well for you.
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Old 12-14-2014, 03:43 PM
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Put simply, you are NOT a therapist. Even if you were, you would not be treating your own husband. It doesn't work and he is likely to resent it in time. If not already.

You are NOT skilled enough to manage yourself and others. Your sobriety is VERY new and your brain is still healing and will continue to for the next year or so IF you don't relapse. There is not a chance in this world you are able to manage another person the way you think you can.

You do NOT have a strong foundation yet. You haven't worked through all the steps, you are not focussing on yourself, you don't have a sponsor and you are very new in recovery.

Have you talked to people in AA yet about managing your husband and his family and their communications? What do they think?

There are people here and in AA who have years and years of sobriety and years of recovery from codependency. It's just possible that they might know a thing or two.
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Old 12-14-2014, 08:34 PM
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Hey, guys, we are all allowed to come to insight and action when we are ready. In truth, none of us will get there UNTIL we are ready....

If you're getting really angry, it might be more important to wonder what is triggering you than to give the OP a hard time.

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Old 12-14-2014, 08:45 PM
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*cough*

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

Lets keep things constructive guys - thanks

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