LexieCat

Iris, I hope you will take a look at the book. It's focused on intimate-partner abuse, not abuse by other family members (which is also a very real thing, but something I have much less knowledge about). Even though it seems scary to face and to think about, you are suffering from the effects anyway. In my experience (not involving abuse, but in other things), examining something and talking about it can help defuse its grip on you.

If I can make an analogy (which may not be perfect, but I'll give it a shot), I, like a lot of alcoholics, found it too scary to face CALLING myself an alcoholic, or thinking of myself as one. It kept me out of AA and other places where I could have found real help. I kept waiting to get stronger, but the thing is, without admitting my situation, I couldn't GET stronger. You've referred to yourself as an "idiot" for winding up where you are. You aren't an idiot. Stuff happened to you. But you can heal, and move beyond being a victim to being a survivor, which has a much better ring, don't you think?

irisgardens

Thank you Lexie...I will.

amy55

You see, I don't know why or how, this picked up. I plummeted into my own depression and isolation today. I think Saturday, I had this spidery feeling or a dreadful feeling that something wasn't right in the universe. I don't get those feeling too much anymore, after all I am divorced for 4 years !!!!!!

I got up today, early for me, about 8. Made my coffee, going to write out those x-mas cards. I needed some addresses. Called my mom. Mistake. She told me that she got a card from my ex's sister. That's fine. I sent x-mas cards to all of my ex's family. Then she started with how my ex worshiped the ground that I walked on, he idolized me, was infatuated with me. OK. Let me hang up now.

Then I called my sis. We are celebrating x-mas at her house on the 26th. I heard the same stuff from her about my ex.

It makes me think that I am CRAZY, AND SHOULD BE INSTITUTIONALIZED.

I was hiding today. Afraid to come back here. I do appreciate all of the responses. I will get back to you tomorrow. I'm sorry I got like this again.

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy

irisgardens

Amy--it's truly ok--I completely understand where you are coming from...different topic...expressing my feelings about having my daughter who is actively addicted to heroin (and accompanying issues that are recurring)--and I often feel so scared because I have judged my own expression...vicious cycle. In addition, I am a leader on another site around addiction of children...and I start to get triggered...so then go down.

You are awesome and if hiding it is fine...and if out in the open it is fine...your bravery and courage in posting is an inspiration for me to just do it and then try not to self judge it. I have adult children who are working to defend a LO and making the issues seemingly center around me...so somewhat understand the triggers.

Your posts help me tremendously. Thank you.

love4menotu

Hi Amy-

I was desperately seeking answers when I found Lundy's book. Although my searches were along the lines of "how the heck did this happen to me".

I found this to be truth:

HE ISN’T ABUSIVE BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY; HE’S ANGRY BECAUSE HE’S ABUSIVE

Many people who knew my ex thought he had anger issues, I however, was sold a sob story on how everything and everyone in his life had mistreated him. Now I know that was just lies.

Look ..my abuser got his jollies when he saw my fear. I knew when I saw him smile when I was virtually paralyzed with fear, and that smile said everything. It said that he could control me just by frightening me. When I saw that look on his face I was done.

He's gone now thank god, and now I'm sure he is abusing the next one.

And god I hope she has the resources like I did so she can get out.

Prayers for all of those who are still with abusive partners.

L

amy55

I'm still recovering from my last trigger that happened on Saturday. Sorry that I actually derailed my own thread. (lol)

I'm still trying to cope or deal with why my family would need to tell me how much he loved me, after seeing my black and blue eyes, after seeing his fingermarks on my arms.

loveformenotu, you mentioned that smile. I got that also. That smirk on his face when he knew he pushed the right button.

I am going downstairs right now to find that book so we can have a better discussion about it.

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy

I felt like they were telling me that I caused that.

lizatola

Just wanted to add that I know that smirk well. When my AH whispered in my ear(while grabbing at my chest), "I know you don't like me doing this but I realized I can go ahead and do it anyway" and then he looked at me with that smirk and eyes that meant business. I knew his intentions were self-serving and not in my best interest, to say the least.

I told him that the look in his eyes was evil. He still thinks I think he himself is evil and holds it over my head to this day that I used that word on him. Not like I care anymore, but it's just indicative of how they use what you say against you over and over again.
Hugs, Amy! I hope you are doing well today and are enjoying the holiday season!

9111111

Amy & Lexie – thank you for everything you do for this forum. I have no doubt that your thoughts, input and shared experiences helped change the lives of many people on this platform and out there.

An abuse section is a great idea to provide a safe space for those who need it most.

meggem

I would LOVE it if there was a seperate forum for Domestic Violence - LOVE IT!

LexieCat

I passed along amy's suggestion for an "Abuse" sub-forum (giving her credit for it, of course!) to Seren, who says she will pass along the suggestion to the Admins. I referred them to this thread, so they can see that it's something survivors want.

Anyone else who thinks it's a good idea (or a bad one--we need to hear any reasons NOT to do it if there are concerns we haven't thought of), please speak up.

ladyscribbler

I like the idea of a DV/abuse forum, but I know for myself (and I've noticed this in others as well) I was reluctant to describe what happened to me as abuse. I also had a really big mental and emotional investment in linking it directly to his drinking. Because if his drinking caused it, then him quitting drinking would solve the problem. That mindset allowed me to focus all of my energy on making him quit drinking and basically ignore the abuse (maybe not "ignore", but gloss over or minimize it) because his drinking was "the real issue". My thinking combined with his inability to remember what he did during blackouts fed my denial for a very long time. It wasn't until I started lurking here and reading the stickies on abuse that I was able to acknowledge what happened to me and call it abuse.
Big hugs to you Amy. I was triggered myself a couple of weeks ago. The legal aid intake questions brought back a lot of memories I'd suppressed because they made me remember specific incidents. The kind of stuff I was too scared to even write in my journal. Partly because he used to read them and use it as ammunition to attack me, partly because I didn't want to acknowledge what was happening in my life on a daily basis.

LexieCat

I think that's one of the big benefits of support forums/groups. When you hear other people describing THEIR experience, it starts to click, at some point, that you're experienced the same thing. That's why alcoholics tell the stories of their drinking, at meetings. It isn't that they are bragging, or trying to one-up each other (not most of the time, anyway), it's that they are hoping some newcomer might hear their story and identify with it.

theuncertainty

Thank you for this thread, Amy. I hope you're feeling better. In your OP, you asked how we felt after reading the book: Relieved. Such an IMMENSE sense of relief. I could point to something and say, "THIS is what he's doing." It wasn't me imagining things; it wasn't my brain losing it's grip on reality; it wasn't me forgetting how events really went; it wasn't me not 'understanding the give-and-take required in a real relationship'. It was real. It happened. It was most definitely NOT how a loving relationship should leave one feeling.

AXH's behavior had me completely convinced I was losing my mind. I believed I was stupid and crazy. And I mean 'being of limited mental capabilities' and 'lock-you-in-an-asylum-never-to-leave crazy'.

I'm fairly certain I posted here when I found my transcripts from college after I left him. OMG! I was on the Dean's List, the Chancellor's List! The post wasn't meant as a brag, as a 'see how smart I am!' It was sharing the BLINDING realization that dealing with life with him had me believing and living under a lie. A lie about a fairly central part of my being. It was sharing the realization that "I am NOT stupid!" and "How the h- did I forget that?!" Oh, sure. I remembered going to college. I remember doing 'well'. And had I examined my college career, I would have, maybe, remembered being a national honor society member, but the meaning behind it was pushed away, hidden.

Reading, "Why Does He Do That" wasn't quite the same blinding insight as finding those transcripts, but it helped me understand just what it was about the relationship with AXH and his behavior that was leaving me feeling confused, hurt, or like I was dumb or insane.

9111111

Lexie, you kindly ran the idea of a separate DV section by the mods and asked for our input. I would therefore like to bump this thread and share why I think an SR place for DV victims would be important:

1. Language: I think ladyscribbler brought up a very important point here. I doubt that any of us goes out there with the idea to find herself/ himself a nice abuser to date and start a family with. Neither will any abuser send us an invitation to play games with our minds, threaten our lives, ruin our finances, isolate us from loved ones and alienate us from ourselves. Abuse eats your soul bite by bite, and while many feel, that something just isn’t right they lack the “adequate” language to describe, how small acts of kindness can just be another attempt to get the hook back in, and how crumbs of affection aren’t always stepping stones of recovery from addiction, but just another move in the dance and the cycle of abuse. Language explains realities, opens eyes and (painfully) cuts through denial. It is so hard to feel understood when you seem to lack the right words to put your experiences into words.

2. Safe space: Principles of detachment, letting go with love and letting time tell are helping to make some unmanageable lives manageable again. In a DV situation they can become life threatening.

3. The children: DV crushes souls. Big and little ones. Living through DV can make you feel helpless like a child. Parenting is a challenge. Surviving a DV situation and protecting your child should not be done in shame, silence and isolation.

ladyscribbler

Excellent points. I know that I tend to tailor my sharing based on whether or not I see undertones of DV or other types of abuse.
I'm generally a big proponent of Alanon, but in some situations I steer clear of recommending Alanon for the reasons stated. Detachment can be outright dangerous in a DV situation. Anytime I tried to detach, I was met with escalation of the abuse.
I grew up in a DV household. Even if the parents think the kids are ignorant or oblivious or protected, kids are sponges. Growing up that way made me hyper vigilant of other people's behavior. I also gravitated toward violent abusive men as an adult. I knew what was going on, but I also knew not to talk about it. There was no safe place for me to share.
Tough love is not always the answer for women and men who are living with DV. Their self esteem is already at rock bottom. They need support and understanding. Not pressure to take a specific course of action or a guilt trip about how much their kids are suffering. That's a fine line I walk, growing up in that environment, but also having subjected my children to it. I do have to take care that my guilt doesn't override my newfound recovery wisdom.

kudzujean

I sincerely hope that you don't consider what your xah SAYS that his instructor SAYS
worthy of any believability at all.

amy55

I really do thank everyone here for contributing about DV. It does help when people talk about it to bring awareness of this to others.

When I first learned I was in an abusive relationship, or should I say that he was abusing me, it felt to me like this was just another thing that I can fix. I just need to talk to him about it. Well, that was stupid !!!!!!!

I actually thought if I could just say, I don't like it when you use that language on me or call me names, and that he would stop. It only "upped" the abuse. I was getting stronger and I was seeing and putting a name to what I was experiencing. So he needed to beat me down more, so that he could control me more.

I guess I didn't realize that abuse is ingrained in a person. It's almost like trying to tell someone to learn how to speak a different language, like Greek, or Polish, but not giving them the tools to do it with, no book, nothing, and expect them to be able to do this by the next day and wake up speaking a different language. They wouldn't even try to do this, because according to them in their sick wired minds, they are not the problem, you are !!!!!

Lundy Bancroft was the first book that I read, that there was no way that I could blame myself and try to change myself to make the marriage work. I had already read tons of self help books, and all I was doing was making myself more vulnerable for abuse.

I can also understand why this site cannot have a forum just for abuse.

1. A lot of people coming here do not want to acknowledge abuse. They would rather blame alcohol.

2. Predators --- this is a large forum. It would take too many mods to watch that forum. A person who is being abused, most times don't feel they have a way out. Anyone can start offering support, then start PM's, and gain a persons trust, get them out of that situation, then put them in a worse situation. I know we come to this forum with trust, but ..........................

3. People who are victims of abuse sometimes might be looking for that Knight in Shining Armour.

4. It could perhaps be a closed forum that you need a password to get into. Not many newcomers would go for that. If they thought they were in an abusive relationship, they would have gone to an abuse forum, not an alcoholism forum. They would still be in denial.

So I really do think that the mods here are doing a terrific job, in keeping people safe.

Thank you for this forum

((((((((((hugs to everyone))))))))))))))
amy

searching peace

Amy, thank you very much for starting this thread. I agree with you Lundy Bancrofts book absolutely changed my life. My life was on every page of that book. It was the first real validation for everything I have gone through and that it wasn't anything I had done or not done to cause it. I am sending a copy to my mother so that maybe she will understand more clearly what I have gone through. And maybe won't take my stbxah side and make excuses for him.

I stupidly thought if I let my stbxah read it, that he would have a break through and realize what he was doing to me and seek help. Someone on the forum stopped me before I did that, thankfully.

I wish there was a separate forum for DV. I came to this forum thinking that alcohol was the reason my stbxah was abusive. I know better now. I know the alcoholism, while may be an issue, is not my main concern at the moment. There are so many things I am trying to learn about abuse. I wish there was a safe place to discuss those issues with other people that have gone through it and/or survived it.

Thank you again for this post!

barelybreathing

I just finished reading Lundy ' s book. My life with my xabf was on almost every single page of that book. I just kept saying "omg, this is him" or "this is what he says/does to me." What an eye opener and thank you so much for this thread. When I first came to SR, I believed that my xabf was abusive because of his addiction but I have learned the abuse and addiction are very separate issues.

LexieCat

sp, we recently had a discussion on here about starting a subforum on abuse. For a variety of reasons, the admins of the forum feel it isn't something that can be done right now.

If you check with your local women's shelter, many of them do have groups, or can direct you to one, where you can meet with other survivors and share. And, of course, there are many here on SR who can relate and will discuss with you in the context of this forum.