financial stresses
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financial stresses
Things have been going pretty good lately for me. Until tonight when I looked at separated AH's and I financial situation. I check our bank accounts regularly but tonight it sunk in how much $ we have spent over the last 4 months. I knew us being separated (my choice, while he worked on his recovery) was going to put a financial strain on us but deep down I think I was naive.
We have been separated for 4 months now and we have been going through money quickly as a result b/c of the additional expenses (gas, food, co-pays for counseling sessions, and contributing $ where he is staying.) I am just not sure what to do. He wants us to refinance the house so our mortgage in less, but will take a lot more yrs to pay off if we only pay the minimum. Can't figure out if this is really in my best interest, or is he just manipulating me. I suppose it could benefit me if he lost his job (which he fears b/c they are scrutinizing every little thing he does) and I had to solely support me and the kids. Right now I would not be able to pay all the bills by myself (even with my in home day care, and two part time jobs.) I would probably have to go back to work full time, and even then I know things would still be tight. While we have been separated I have been paying for the food, oil, preschool, dance classes, clothing, entertainment, among other small bills that trickle in. AH has been paying the mortgage, insurances, electric, phone and cable.
He wants to come home (and is even willing to sleep downstairs in the basement.) Tonight I am considering giving in b/c of financial reasons. He has been sober for maybe a month at the most. The kids and I miss him terribly too. It is also harder for me to take care of the house during the winter b/c of the amount of snow we get. He was always in charge of the snow shoveling when he lived here. Hiring someone to clear our two driveways just doesn't seem something I could afford.
Anyone else ever had their A's move back in before a good amount of sobriety, just for financial reasons?
We have been separated for 4 months now and we have been going through money quickly as a result b/c of the additional expenses (gas, food, co-pays for counseling sessions, and contributing $ where he is staying.) I am just not sure what to do. He wants us to refinance the house so our mortgage in less, but will take a lot more yrs to pay off if we only pay the minimum. Can't figure out if this is really in my best interest, or is he just manipulating me. I suppose it could benefit me if he lost his job (which he fears b/c they are scrutinizing every little thing he does) and I had to solely support me and the kids. Right now I would not be able to pay all the bills by myself (even with my in home day care, and two part time jobs.) I would probably have to go back to work full time, and even then I know things would still be tight. While we have been separated I have been paying for the food, oil, preschool, dance classes, clothing, entertainment, among other small bills that trickle in. AH has been paying the mortgage, insurances, electric, phone and cable.
He wants to come home (and is even willing to sleep downstairs in the basement.) Tonight I am considering giving in b/c of financial reasons. He has been sober for maybe a month at the most. The kids and I miss him terribly too. It is also harder for me to take care of the house during the winter b/c of the amount of snow we get. He was always in charge of the snow shoveling when he lived here. Hiring someone to clear our two driveways just doesn't seem something I could afford.
Anyone else ever had their A's move back in before a good amount of sobriety, just for financial reasons?
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If the reason for him to move back in is financial it is worth considering a full time job now. It would provide financial stability as well as allow the relationship/recovery decisions to remain 'pure' so to speak.
To answer more directly I did agree to my ex coming home after rehab, despite my misgivings and previous statements. That decision remains one of my biggest regrets. It was not fueled by financial stress but a lack of strength, boundaries, and recovery.
To answer more directly I did agree to my ex coming home after rehab, despite my misgivings and previous statements. That decision remains one of my biggest regrets. It was not fueled by financial stress but a lack of strength, boundaries, and recovery.
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I have thought about returning full time, but with the cost of day care for my DS and after school care for DD I would only be bringing home about $20 more a day than I currently make providing day care in my home to the other kids. Plus DD would have to give up dance and DS preschool because of the hrs and where they are located.
The plan had been all along that when DS starts kindergarten next fall that I would go back to work full time. I know that my one PT job I could return to FT as it is the agency I worked for 13 yrs before I decided to stay home with my kids while they were young. I am grateful that this agency has called me when ever there is an opening (whether PT or FT) to see if I was ready to return to work. I finally gave into the signs a few months ago (like them calling when AH was in rehab/detox/week I kicked him out b/c of his relapse) seeing if I was ready to return.
The plan had been all along that when DS starts kindergarten next fall that I would go back to work full time. I know that my one PT job I could return to FT as it is the agency I worked for 13 yrs before I decided to stay home with my kids while they were young. I am grateful that this agency has called me when ever there is an opening (whether PT or FT) to see if I was ready to return to work. I finally gave into the signs a few months ago (like them calling when AH was in rehab/detox/week I kicked him out b/c of his relapse) seeing if I was ready to return.
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Deep down I know that having him move back because of financial reasons is not a good idea. But if the monthly mortgage payments were reduced (even if the time to pay back is alot longer) that may cause us less stress so that we both have more time to work on our recovery.
My AH works in the banking field and I have always let him handle the finances and trusted his decisions about refinancing. This time I hesitate.
My AH works in the banking field and I have always let him handle the finances and trusted his decisions about refinancing. This time I hesitate.
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I think I'd sooner find a way to reduce expenses/increase income than bring him home prematurely.
I'd look into the refi if I were you. So what if it takes longer to pay off the house? Is there a rush about it? I'm sure a lot of your other expenses could be pared down, too. Think outside the box. You really only have to figure out how to make ends meet for a while if you can go back to work in the fall.
I just saw your last post. Why not call the mortgage company yourself and have them run the numbers and explain it all to you? You don't have to tell him that you did that, and it might put your mind at ease. Frankly, I don't see a downside to it.
I'd look into the refi if I were you. So what if it takes longer to pay off the house? Is there a rush about it? I'm sure a lot of your other expenses could be pared down, too. Think outside the box. You really only have to figure out how to make ends meet for a while if you can go back to work in the fall.
I just saw your last post. Why not call the mortgage company yourself and have them run the numbers and explain it all to you? You don't have to tell him that you did that, and it might put your mind at ease. Frankly, I don't see a downside to it.
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The mortgage company is the bank he works at and he is a vp of the loan dept. I would feel odd calling someone else there about this. He has offered to sit down and review the #'s with me . I am always looking at ways to reduce our expenses (at my end) and the bills have gone down over the last few months.
The more I think about it the refi may be the way to go. Like AH has said we can pay it off early, this just gives us some more flexibility with how much money we have available. We have always been diligent with paying all our bills on time. At this point it would help me keeps things more normal for the kids and on track with my original plan to go back to work next fall.
The more I think about it the refi may be the way to go. Like AH has said we can pay it off early, this just gives us some more flexibility with how much money we have available. We have always been diligent with paying all our bills on time. At this point it would help me keeps things more normal for the kids and on track with my original plan to go back to work next fall.
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I also need to just have some faith and maybe pray on this some more. One of my PT jobs is with a direct sales company. The last few months I have really been focusing more on my business and it has paid off- it paid for christmas gifts, dance lessons and preschool the last few months. It has also given me some more "me" time away from the kids.
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Glad things have been going well!
Based on my own experience, I think having your AH move in before he has a longer period of sobriety could be very hard on your kids. My STBXAH moved out for six months during which time we went to counseling and he abstained from alcohol (although I question this now-he was not working a program.) Upon his return it was less than a month before he was drinking again, this time much worse than before. It was hard enough explaining to my son the first time Daddy wouldn't be staying at the house anymore, but then to get his hopes up only to have to hurt him again....ugh...still feeling a lot of guilt about that one. And of course there is the impact on you. Take yourself back 4-5 months ago...is that a place you want to risk going back to?
I like the idea of refinancing and then getting a full time job in the fall. Keep things as is until the financial piece is way down the list of reasons he should move back in. Gotta protect yourself and the little ones first.
Based on my own experience, I think having your AH move in before he has a longer period of sobriety could be very hard on your kids. My STBXAH moved out for six months during which time we went to counseling and he abstained from alcohol (although I question this now-he was not working a program.) Upon his return it was less than a month before he was drinking again, this time much worse than before. It was hard enough explaining to my son the first time Daddy wouldn't be staying at the house anymore, but then to get his hopes up only to have to hurt him again....ugh...still feeling a lot of guilt about that one. And of course there is the impact on you. Take yourself back 4-5 months ago...is that a place you want to risk going back to?
I like the idea of refinancing and then getting a full time job in the fall. Keep things as is until the financial piece is way down the list of reasons he should move back in. Gotta protect yourself and the little ones first.
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I would hesitate also to let him back in with just a month.
If he starts drinking again, your kids will put through all of the hell getting him out again would entail.
I'm not being pessimistic--hopefully he will stay sober, but relapse is very common in early sobriety and with Christmas, etc. just around the corner, the temptations will certainly be there.
No reason you can't have him "over" more for holiday fun with the kids but I would keep addresses seperate for the moment even if you do have to push out with a refi.
I also suggest you don't get "extra" money unless it is to zero out other debt such as credit cards.
In terms of the smaller house payment, I pay more than the minimum on my house but if things are tight I am glad I can pay a smaller amount for what it's worth
If he starts drinking again, your kids will put through all of the hell getting him out again would entail.
I'm not being pessimistic--hopefully he will stay sober, but relapse is very common in early sobriety and with Christmas, etc. just around the corner, the temptations will certainly be there.
No reason you can't have him "over" more for holiday fun with the kids but I would keep addresses seperate for the moment even if you do have to push out with a refi.
I also suggest you don't get "extra" money unless it is to zero out other debt such as credit cards.
In terms of the smaller house payment, I pay more than the minimum on my house but if things are tight I am glad I can pay a smaller amount for what it's worth
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I think that is the plan Hawkeye- that we can pay more than the minimum when we can. But having our mortgage cut in 1/2 would relieve a great deal of financial stress. Luckily the only other debit we have is a car payment. We always manage to pay our credit card bills off monthly (at least for the time being.)
The kids would definitely like to have him over more and (me too when he is in a good mood) I have offered for him to come over whenever we are here. We watched the kids decorate the tree the other night and it was great! But the following day he was supposed to stop over and didn't b/c he was tired/stressed from work,etc. Which is fine, as I don't want him over if he is going to take it out on us with the silent treatment. He is supposed to come over this afternoon after his counseling session to go over the refi application with me. Not sure what his mood may be. At least the kids and I have a b-day party to attend to later tonight so if he's in a silent or grumpy mood we have something to look forward to later today.
The holidays will be tough for sure for him. I have thought about having him stay over (in a separate room/bed) for x-mas eve so that he can see the kids excitement Christmas morning. It would mean a lot to the kids too. But I won't offer that suggestion until probably x-mas eve as it really depends on AH's whole demeanor. I don't want a grumpy staying the night for sure! His parents have offered him to stay the night as well as they live about 10 mins away vs driving an hr.
The kids would definitely like to have him over more and (me too when he is in a good mood) I have offered for him to come over whenever we are here. We watched the kids decorate the tree the other night and it was great! But the following day he was supposed to stop over and didn't b/c he was tired/stressed from work,etc. Which is fine, as I don't want him over if he is going to take it out on us with the silent treatment. He is supposed to come over this afternoon after his counseling session to go over the refi application with me. Not sure what his mood may be. At least the kids and I have a b-day party to attend to later tonight so if he's in a silent or grumpy mood we have something to look forward to later today.
The holidays will be tough for sure for him. I have thought about having him stay over (in a separate room/bed) for x-mas eve so that he can see the kids excitement Christmas morning. It would mean a lot to the kids too. But I won't offer that suggestion until probably x-mas eve as it really depends on AH's whole demeanor. I don't want a grumpy staying the night for sure! His parents have offered him to stay the night as well as they live about 10 mins away vs driving an hr.
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KidsR#1.....don't be surprised at periods of increased moodiness during the whole early recovery period. This seems to be very common in the whole early recovery period.
For me...I was soo very grateful that my A was hundreds of miles away...so, I could just end the phone call.....
dandylion
For me...I was soo very grateful that my A was hundreds of miles away...so, I could just end the phone call.....
dandylion
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Inviting him to stay overnight could be a very confusing precedent for all involved. Missing out on a few moments isn't actually hurting anyone.
Expectations are key. When I stop expecting things to be a certain way, I've been finding great joy in little moments of how life IS. Life will never be perfect, but it doesn't need to be. It is very good.
Wishing you and your family a very happy holiday, no matter what it looks like! Accepting things and people as they are and how they are not, plus listing all the things I'm grateful for has been very good for me. Anytime is a good for creating new traditions, whether with cooking, meals, games, etc. with whoever is there.
There was a time when I was still trying to do extra things when we could. Now that things are even tighter, I'm seeing the wisdom in saving in any way possible now in able to do more later. Finances are tighter than ever, and yet overall I'm happy. Things will improve as I daily take care of my own physical, mental and spiritual health. I would suggest cutting back where you can now instead of later, perhaps starting a savings fund for you and the kids instead of the current preschool and dance?
Expectations are key. When I stop expecting things to be a certain way, I've been finding great joy in little moments of how life IS. Life will never be perfect, but it doesn't need to be. It is very good.
Wishing you and your family a very happy holiday, no matter what it looks like! Accepting things and people as they are and how they are not, plus listing all the things I'm grateful for has been very good for me. Anytime is a good for creating new traditions, whether with cooking, meals, games, etc. with whoever is there.
There was a time when I was still trying to do extra things when we could. Now that things are even tighter, I'm seeing the wisdom in saving in any way possible now in able to do more later. Finances are tighter than ever, and yet overall I'm happy. Things will improve as I daily take care of my own physical, mental and spiritual health. I would suggest cutting back where you can now instead of later, perhaps starting a savings fund for you and the kids instead of the current preschool and dance?
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I think you've gotten lots of good advice here. While every hope and encouragement from me to you that your husband stays sober and keeps his job, I think that if you are looking at major changes such as refinancing, it is helpful to look at the worst case financial situation, too.
What would happen if he were to lose his job? How would you function financially? This is an important point to think about, even as unpleasant as it is to imagine. Keepingthefaith has a good point about saving as much as you can right now. You will be best positioned to make a solid, positive decision about your marriage and home life in the future if you know you have financial options. In other words, considering how you will manage financially and having a Plan B and probably Plan C in place, will let you decide what is best for you and your kids on its own merit.
I think the thing of it is that you have depended on your husband to do the financial analysis and planning in the past, which is reasonable, given his position. However, if things don't well with his drinking and/or job, you need to start to prepare yourself to step up to the plate and manage your own financial situation without his guidance or control.
Keep posting, we're all here to support you.
ShootingStar1
What would happen if he were to lose his job? How would you function financially? This is an important point to think about, even as unpleasant as it is to imagine. Keepingthefaith has a good point about saving as much as you can right now. You will be best positioned to make a solid, positive decision about your marriage and home life in the future if you know you have financial options. In other words, considering how you will manage financially and having a Plan B and probably Plan C in place, will let you decide what is best for you and your kids on its own merit.
I think the thing of it is that you have depended on your husband to do the financial analysis and planning in the past, which is reasonable, given his position. However, if things don't well with his drinking and/or job, you need to start to prepare yourself to step up to the plate and manage your own financial situation without his guidance or control.
Keep posting, we're all here to support you.
ShootingStar1
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Not being present for key moments in a family life is the price he pays for being an early recovery A. He drank himself out of the family home. He can miss a bit of Xmas. It's not your fault he is JUST sober. You don't have to make things easy for him.
This sounds pretty grinchy. Oh well. He can stay with his mom.
As for the refi, I think if your Plan X has you staying in the house is your name on the mortgage? What about your car? Insurances? A refi might be a good time to step fully up to the family financials. Even if you can't quite pull it all off now - you need full knowledge of everything.
This sounds pretty grinchy. Oh well. He can stay with his mom.
As for the refi, I think if your Plan X has you staying in the house is your name on the mortgage? What about your car? Insurances? A refi might be a good time to step fully up to the family financials. Even if you can't quite pull it all off now - you need full knowledge of everything.
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Thanks everyone for the different suggestions. We had a great visit this weekend!
AH called tonight about christmas plans. Apparently he can't stay where he is at for the holiday. His counselor suggested he ask if he can sleep on the couch at our house. Funny that I was considering offering that as well.
AH carried on and on tonight saying that he realizes what is at stake if he comes home and drinks ever again and he will do what ever I want him to if I let him come home. I personally don't think that is realistic- marriage isn't about one of us doing whatever the other wants all the time. He says not living with us is his rock bottom. While I am hesitant I think he does understand what he is missing out on by messing up and being kicked out of the house.
I also wonder if the tragic death of his 28 yr old friend this week has put things into perspective as well for him. This friend's wife also just found out a few weeks ago they were expecting a baby.
AH called tonight about christmas plans. Apparently he can't stay where he is at for the holiday. His counselor suggested he ask if he can sleep on the couch at our house. Funny that I was considering offering that as well.
AH carried on and on tonight saying that he realizes what is at stake if he comes home and drinks ever again and he will do what ever I want him to if I let him come home. I personally don't think that is realistic- marriage isn't about one of us doing whatever the other wants all the time. He says not living with us is his rock bottom. While I am hesitant I think he does understand what he is missing out on by messing up and being kicked out of the house.
I also wonder if the tragic death of his 28 yr old friend this week has put things into perspective as well for him. This friend's wife also just found out a few weeks ago they were expecting a baby.
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Originally Posted by KidsR#1 
While I am hesitant I think he does understand what he is missing out on by messing up and being kicked out of the house.
Having him over and sleeping on the sofa for Christmas is one thing, having him move back in entirely is another.
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Yes, he is pretty much a mess. Says he can't stay sober alone, that he needs to be with me and the kids. That he is missing out on so much with the kids. Says that he will come home straight from work and I can check his car each night to make sure there is no alcohol. He won't go anywhere either unless I say it is ok. (this is a first, as I always felt like he would do things without asking me first, like committing to a poker game or golf.) There were alot of promises made by him tonight if I would just give him one more chance.
I wish I could pinpoint why I am hesitant about having him moving back. Maybe the fear of things going back to the way they were? Not trusting him yet? There are times though when he comes over that I am so tempted to be able to just run to the store for a few minutes by myself when he comes over after work and is fine.
I wish I could pinpoint why I am hesitant about having him moving back. Maybe the fear of things going back to the way they were? Not trusting him yet? There are times though when he comes over that I am so tempted to be able to just run to the store for a few minutes by myself when he comes over after work and is fine.
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