financial stresses
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
How about the fact that he's sober for only ONE month, proposing that you act like his warden, rather than his wife, and claiming he can't stay sober without you? Those are ALL red flags, right there. He is manipulating to get what he wants, which is to come home.
There's nothing wrong with his wanting to come home, except that someone who is truly progressing in recovery doesn't talk or act like that. He'd be concentrating on what he needs to do instead of wheedling like a kid who wants a puppy ("But I'll feed him and walk him and clean up the yard when he poops--really, really I will.").
There's nothing wrong with his wanting to come home, except that someone who is truly progressing in recovery doesn't talk or act like that. He'd be concentrating on what he needs to do instead of wheedling like a kid who wants a puppy ("But I'll feed him and walk him and clean up the yard when he poops--really, really I will.").
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 230
Originally Posted by KidsR#1 
Yes, he is pretty much a mess. Says he can't stay sober alone, that he needs to be with me and the kids. That he is missing out on so much with the kids. Says that he will come home straight from work and I can check his car each night to make sure there is no alcohol. He won't go anywhere either unless I say it is ok. (this is a first, as I always felt like he would do things without asking me first, like committing to a poker game or golf.)
When he's all out and wants more he starts asking and I say NO you told me you don't really want to so just go to bed or whatever. Of course the only control I have is to not go for him myself. Which more often than not means he goes out himself - yeah at least half in the bag to buy more booze.
If they can't do it alone without us scolding them then they really can't do it. I refused last time to be involved in keeping him home or trying to keep him from drinking - it never seems to work and just gets me all tangled up.
I'm sorry this is hard. Especially since he seems to be doing so well and you want so badly for things to work out. I haven't gone through this stage yet but I'm hoping if/when I do that you'll all remind me to take it slow.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Originally Posted by KidsR#1
Yes, he is pretty much a mess. Says he can't stay sober alone, that he needs to be with me and the kids. That he is missing out on so much with the kids. Says that he will come home straight from work and I can check his car each night to make sure there is no alcohol. He won't go anywhere either unless I say it is ok. (this is a first, as I always felt like he would do things without asking me first, like committing to a poker game or golf.) There were alot of promises made by him tonight if I would just give him one more chance.
I wish I could pinpoint why I am hesitant about having him moving back. Maybe the fear of things going back to the way they were? Not trusting him yet? There are times though when he comes over that I am so tempted to be able to just run to the store for a few minutes by myself when he comes over after work and is fine.
I wish I could pinpoint why I am hesitant about having him moving back. Maybe the fear of things going back to the way they were? Not trusting him yet? There are times though when he comes over that I am so tempted to be able to just run to the store for a few minutes by myself when he comes over after work and is fine.
You are smarter than that. Many posters on this site get drawn back in with the "this is a first" spin. Don't bite.
Based on the bolded part alone I see serious red flags.
He's putting his sobriety on you, and expecting you to enforce it.
I'm sorry, but that doesn't look like recovery to me.
He needs to work his program much harder if this is what he actually believes.
Him on the sofa for one night actually may be a crack in the door with him pushing even harder to move back in you realize.
Be very clear on your boundary and I think you should really stick to a solid length of real recovery time.
One month isn't really all that much in the greater scheme of things.
Your choice of course, but given the BS in bold above, I would say no to him spending even a night in the house.
You have to protect you kids and yourself here--
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I agree with Lexi - that rhetoric doesn't sound like recovery.
Based on my experience -
I can't get/stay sober alone turns into...
I can't get/stay sober without being at home with you specifically turns into....
I can't get/stay sober without sex and your loving support turns into.....
I can't get/stay sober if you are negative and can't forgive and just be supportive of my awesomeness today :eyeroll: turns into....
You didn't do enough and I can't take it so I'm drinking. Poor me being married to an ungrateful home wrecker like you. I left out all the soul crushing stuff.
You being his parole officer adds an entire other level of awfulness.
Not to mention that my husband wasn't actually an evil person so his own coping mechanisms kicked in - to protect the drinking - and he turned into a very mean, very awful, manipulative and abusive person once he started drinking again - which happened before the month was up. I didn't even know who he was anymore. It is hard to find your way back from something like that and our relationship was underground after that no matter how much recovery the future held. He is in recovery now and we don't talk other than the bare necessities about the kids - and I'm fine with that.
Based on my experience -
I can't get/stay sober alone turns into...
I can't get/stay sober without being at home with you specifically turns into....
I can't get/stay sober without sex and your loving support turns into.....
I can't get/stay sober if you are negative and can't forgive and just be supportive of my awesomeness today :eyeroll: turns into....
You didn't do enough and I can't take it so I'm drinking. Poor me being married to an ungrateful home wrecker like you. I left out all the soul crushing stuff.
You being his parole officer adds an entire other level of awfulness.
Not to mention that my husband wasn't actually an evil person so his own coping mechanisms kicked in - to protect the drinking - and he turned into a very mean, very awful, manipulative and abusive person once he started drinking again - which happened before the month was up. I didn't even know who he was anymore. It is hard to find your way back from something like that and our relationship was underground after that no matter how much recovery the future held. He is in recovery now and we don't talk other than the bare necessities about the kids - and I'm fine with that.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
So then you get to become his babysitter. The stress of that is overwhelming. Been there, done that, for a long time.
I hope you consider any option you can. If he moves in and out the toll it is going to take on your kids is huge. I think you are hesitant b/c your gut feeling knows it's not a good idea.
Just my .02
Good luck!
I hope you consider any option you can. If he moves in and out the toll it is going to take on your kids is huge. I think you are hesitant b/c your gut feeling knows it's not a good idea.
Just my .02
Good luck!
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