FlippedRHalo

I was doing so well today....THEN, a text from him. Basically, he told me not to bother getting him the present I was originally going to get him for Christmas because his dad already got it. It was snippy. I didn't answer.

Then: I don't want to get back together, but I want you to know that I never wanted it to end and I'm sorry. I just didn't know what to say or do. I didn't think you wanted to talk and you called off the engagement and took your ring off.

I answered. I want to kick myself. What the h*ll was I thinking?! I went on about how he kept drinking, and especially drinking and driving, and how it terrified me and why wouldn't he just stop so that our relationship didn't end up destroyed.

Without getting into the rest of it all, it was basically him acting like it was my fault we broke up (it was, I did the breaking up, but come on, what the heck was I supposed to do in that situation) and by the end of the conversation, it felt like he just broke up with me!?!?!

Even thought I KNOW I don't want to get back together, it really threw me for a loop and I definitely feel like I took a few steps back in getting over this. I'm ok, but how did I just let that happen?! I was so angry with the text that I caved and responded after I promised myself I wouldn't.

I have an iPhone 4s, not due for an upgrade until March. I've searched online for a way to block a number on a 4, but I need to be upgraded to a different operating system and don't have nearly enough memory on my ancient phone to do it, I've tried. If I could, everything would be blocked.

Why, why, why does he feel the need to torture me and how the heck did he turn that around?! I left him and he just made me feel like he left me. I know I'll get back on track, but I'm sitting here right ow utterly stunned, very angry and really confused. Just wow. I'm so mad at myself.

suki44883

Can you set your phone so that his calls automatically go to a trash folder, or to a folder you set up specifically for messages you will delete?

gippy1968

You can have numbers blocked at the account level with your wireless provider.

biminiblue

Change his name in your phone to, "Don't Answer! It's Not Worth It!." If you give it a long enough name, you'll think twice...also you should be able to set the texts to show sender only, so you won't see the first few words.

Don't even read them.

I broke up with a guy who slept with at least three other women while I lived with him. Years later - like ten years later - he told me he broke up with me because I was moody. Oh. Is that why I moved 2500 miles away? My moods? Yeah, wonder why I was moody? They just write their own story, and in their story they are the good guy. Typical.

FlippedRHalo

I'm really starting to see this.... it's amazing. I never would have thought he'd be like this. Especially towards me. I truly didn't. I guess I was wrong about him, again. It's just extremely sad and unnerving. I don't know this person anymore.

I will call Verizon and see what can be done. This has to stop. There is no reason for him to be doing this.

LexieCat

Yup, sorry you had to learn the hard way, but this is why no contact only works if there's REALLY no contact. What iOS do you have on your iPhone?

HerLastNerve

(((hugs))) FRH. The A can be so maddening, it's not even funny! Please don't kick yourself over this. I know it's easier said than done, yes it is.

In regards to your 4s, do you know which OS you have now (iOS6, iOS7, etc.)? Do you have access to any cloud software (DropBox, Drive, etc.), and do you have a cable to connect your 4s to your computer? There may be a way to shuffle some of the things out of your phone temporarily while you update, then put them back on your phone after the update. I'm a technology and researching fool, and I want to help you get this blocking done if possible.

LexieCat

Actually, there's one other suggestion I can make.

Send him one message, and that is that you never want to hear from him again. No calls, no emails, no texts. Tell him that if he does not honor your wishes, you will consider it harassment and will have no choice but to apply for an order of protection. I'm not sure what state you live in, but most places harassment is grounds for a protective order.

That might get him to back off, and if it doesn't, you can follow through.

Just a suggestion, might be worth a try.

dandylion

FlippedRHalo.....I understand completely. It is easy to misstep when the heart is involved.

This is how I see it. Here is your sticky wicket: You broke up with him because of the drinking and for your future best i nterest (given the situation). Secretly..deep inside..you are still bonded to him emotionally and grieving the loss (all normal).
Because of this...your subterranian agenda is STILL that if he could just understood that it was because of the alcoholism..the breakup by you...that he would, then, logically, go into recovery...return to the origional early relationship and you would have him back and all would be happy.

Instead, he is projecting the blame all onto you. He is playing dumb...he knows perfectly well that his alcoholism was the reason. He is manipulating you--and playing a victim role to push your guilt buttons...and, get you back to the status quo. He would like the comfort of the relationship...without doing what it takes to keep it. He can't live up to the price of playing poker---but, he hopes that he can manipulate you, anyway. A guy has got to try..right? (LOL).

You learned your lesson...forgive yourself....and, just do better, next time.
He sounds like he might be pretty slick.....you are only human.
Overall, you are doing better than m ost..at this stage of early break-up.

don't fall into discouragement...just keep forging ahead. It won't always feel l ike this.

dandylion

Eauchiche

Like the program says: "progress, not perfection." Just get back on that sober horse right away and keep going.
I also read a helpful article that says that the alcoholic wants you to leave, but wants it to be your fault.

FlippedRHalo

Thanks everyone. I'm just so ANGRY right now. At him, at myself for responding, at the situation, EVERYTHING! I understand NONE of this and....just ARGH!

I will never, ever go back to this and I promise I will get past this, but I need to vent right now so badly!

What the H*LL does he mean he doesn't want to get back together???! I didn't ASK him if HE wanted to get back together, so why bother saying that?!!! Breaking up was MY choice because of the blatant lack of respect for my feelings about his out of control drinking and continuation of drunk driving, which he KNEW terrified me after losing my younger brother to a drunk driver!! What is so hard to understand?!!!!! I'm not a bad person for realizing that it was never going to stop and letting him go - I even told him that I still loved him although we couldn't be together. I was so, so decent and kind and so was he in the beginning. What the heck changed here?!?! I never, ever wanted to hate him, which is why I did what I did when I did it. I NEVER wanted us to get to this place....and, here we are I guess.

And what the H*LL does he mean he doesn't want to get back together?! Who is HE to say that and then make me feel like he broke up with ME by the end of this ridiculousness?!!! Of course he doesn't want to get back together...why in the WORLD would he want to ever live in a nice home with someone who WAS your best friend and loved you to pieces and tried to do nothing except care about you, support you when nobody else did, take care of you when your drinking landed your @ss in the hospital and try to make you see that there was a better life out there?! Absolutely, why would you?!! Of course you don't want to get back together, who would after all of that?!! Live in dad's basement so you can consume as much whiskey as your selfish little heart desires!!

OMG, I am SOOOO MAD! I didn't even know I was capable of this anger. I will not contact him, that I swear - I NEVER want to see his face again. I can NOT believe this is the same person that I considered my best friend and that I was about to marry!

I need to calm down....wow.

FlippedRHalo

Double post

suki44883

Good! Stay mad! Anger can be a great motivator. Be angry, but don't engage with him in any way. Let him have his moment. You know the truth.

dandylion

Flipped....you ask Why? Why?. After you can breathe, again...LOL....go back and read my post from your other thread. then re=read my last post o n this thread. I have attempted to answer these questions.
Also, the suggestion for the readings that I gave you are intended to answer some of the questions that are of great concern for you, right now.

dandylion

LexieCat

Aren't you glad all of this came to a head BEFORE the wedding?

I sure wish I'd called mine off.

Carlotta

iblacklist is compatible with your phone and cost only 12 bucks. If it makes you feel better, I m pretty sure that Santa will put coals in his stockings on Christmas eve

bird13

The best and most magical part is at the end how they lead you to think that they "believe" they broke up with YOU. Don't buy it. He knows who left who here! It is a subtle manipulative power struggle. Alcoholism roaring. That to me is the worst pArt of the emotional abuse in alcoholism. The crazy games. In reality- they were frightened to lose you when they threatened to leave IN the relationship and right when it ends they are scared to death but still want to take one last stab at it to make you crumble and think you need them! Not the other way around. I was fooled by it ....

He knows you left HIM, and why...and this is just 1 of many tactics he will attempt to use to muddy the water and hope it gets difficult enough to where you will just take him back somehow.

When I finally did leave mine, and I looked back on these moments I realized he could smell the weakness in me and played these games- which gave him a few extra chances bc I returned . However - when it did not matter to me anymore who left who- or what "he thought" about how it happened- and I just darted and went No Contact-- that junk stopped and he was respectful with zero games when we finally talked months later b/c he knew the game was truly over and he *knew* I was in a place where he could not make me doubt myself any longer. I wanted out at any cost. I was willing to speak to him that day but I guess he could sense where I was at emotionally and he didn't attempt it. They have radar I swear by it.

Still tries to send nice and confusing emails sometimes, because hey! Why give up!! And when that doesn't work, just get angry! And all over again. That is another level of craziness, lol! not as manipulative though as this.. Right after the separation is always the hardest IMO. I'm sorry that you went through that. You must have been fuming and perfectly understandable why!

I'm still confused sometimes. Baffled. And angry. And dooped! Hah. It is a process, but I did get better. You will too and what you care about will transform and change as time progresses. Sending you positive vibes tonight! ;-)

FlippedRHalo

Ok, it hurts, badly, I admit it. I don't want to, but I will. And you're absolutely right Dandylion, there was a huge part of me that just wanted him to wake up and see that his alcoholism ruined our relationship and to correct that so all would be well again. But, all wouldn't be well again because too much damage had been done, and now it's worse. I'm appalled that he would treat me the way he's been treating me the past few days in his texts. I'm also in a bit of shock. I guess I shouldn't be, but I just honestly thought we'd be one of those couples that although horribly sad, we could move on with happy memories of what we once had.

HOWEVER, while it hurts that he's become just like the alcoholics that I've read about and kept thinking "whew, glad he's not like that one", one thing is now crystal clear...I now have NO doubt in my mind that I did the absolute right thing by leaving when I did. I don't believe in his "normal" state that he's a bad person, but he's clearly a very sick man at this point, one that I have no business being around for my own sanity and the future sanity of my precious little girl.

I really don't know this person...and I need to now come to solid terms with the fact that the man I loved is now gone - body, mind and soul.

Lexi - you have no idea -- when I see you all write about dodging a bullet, I now know exactly what it means. I can only begin to imagine what our marriage would have been like if he's so free to treat me like this now.

Alcoholism is such a horrible disease. God awful.

bird13

One more thing- when I was angry as all hell, I try to repeat: this too shall pass!!!! I will calm down, understand why this happened(all alcoholics mostly do the same behaviors for the same reasons- make u mad-or guilty-etc) and I will go to bed and wake up anew wanting to work harder on me and get out from under that anger he wants me to feel. I feel it alright! But I wont stay angry and I will get better...My angry moments get shorter... And shorter.... And he will STAY sick, and get sicker and sicker.

No matter how nice things seem to end- they r sick- in the brain too! Soaked with Alcohol! And they get angry. They don't rationally retain those harmonious feelings that we do. They get pissed and retaliate- to control you and make you do what they want. You have to be prepared for that as best you can and see it as the disease acting out- the person you love wouldnt do that if he wasnt drinking. Not making an excuse for him, that thought may just help you detach feom the ugly behavior more.

LexieCat

BTW, times like this? When it feels like your head is gonna explode?

These are VERY good times to go to an Al-Anon meeting. I remember going in feeling like I was hanging onto my sanity by a thread, and coming out feeling like my whole psyche had just been realigned.

AA works like that for me, now, too.