Waiting for the other shoe to drop
 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months. He's been abusing alcohol for god knows how long. At first I didn't realize what a problem it was, then I did and brought it up and he mostly hid it better with occasional lapses and then some times where he seemed to be better (but was still drinking). I had distanced myself from him a lot and was very close to ending the relationship, but honestly was afraid that he would kill himself if I did. Then, last Saturday, it all came to a head when he got totally wasted. A friend drove him home and he texted me saying he wasn't feeling well and "I think somebody put something in my drink." I was at work and called him and he was clearly wasted. I was pissed because he called me 4x at work (I work in a high pressure environment and can not be dealing with personal stuff at work unless it is life or death) and when I got home from my evening at work I texted him and told him not to bother me the next morning, that our plans were cancelled and that I would talk to him when I felt like it. I called him after the gym and was LIVID and he totally disarmed me by saying, "I got up this morning and went to a meeting." This was his first meeting, and something I'd brought up months ago but had not harped on in the interim.

He's been doing okay since then - great from a sobriety perspective (no drinks) but not very well with making it sustainable. He hasn't gone to any more meetings since then - he says he felt "uncomfortable" there. He's vaguely talked about attending a lecture series, but it's on a day of another obligation, and he's made no move towards moving that obligation. He's super lonely - most of his social life involves alcohol and he has almost no interests that would occupy night and weekend time. Both of us were off today and he was like a small child moping around saying, "I'm bored." I made a few suggestions for activities and he shot down each one. He eventually reluctantly came along to something I wanted to do and then we had to figure out dinner. I threw out a few suggestions including several that would have been at my house (therefore avoiding alcohol entirely). He chose a bar/restaurant. I tried to seat us at one of the high top tables instead of the bar, but he wanted to sit at the bar. When we ordered drinks he told me I could order an alcoholic drink but I didn't. Then as we were looking at the menu he said he might get a drink. I just said, "I don't think that's a great idea, but it's your choice." I'm pretty sure my eyes said something different, though. In the end, he didn't order a drink.

I'm disheartened, though. I thought this would last longer, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised as he has sought out no support and has made no efforts to solidify his recovery other than abstaining. If he goes back to drinking, I'm out. Won't be hard - we don't live together, we have no kids, and really no joint possessions. Just wish I weren't waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Well, the good news is that it looks like, on some level, he's aware of his problem and wishes he didn't have it. On the other hand, it could be a very long time before he's ready to do the work necessary to live a sober life. You aren't obligated to stick around and wait for it to drop, though.

What makes you think he'd kill himself if you left him? Is that something he told you, or something you concluded on your own?

sorry, double post

You are so lucky to not be more entangled with him via possessions and children. Right now you sound strong and capable of doing what you need to; will you be in a year? 2 years? 5 years or 10? Alcoholism does terrible things to the partner. You don't have to wait on the other shoe to drop.

I know it sounds a bit callous but since you have only 6 months invested and have no assets in common I would suggest you cut your losses now and don't even wait for the other shoe to drop.
It will get far worst before it (if it ever) gets better. Him calling you 4 times at work is only a precursor of things to come. While the relationship was new, he was probably on his best behavior and trying to hide his alcoholism but now that he knows you know and were supportive the first time, he probably will keep pushing the envelope.
Do yourself a favor and spare yourself years of misery. It can be very easy to fall into let's give him (yet) another last chance trap.

Carlotta's got a very good point. This almost certainly will get worse before it gets better (if it ever does).

You know, we don't always need a "reason" for a breakup. It's OK to just say, "This isn't working for me. I wish you the best."

Hi QueSera,
Your story sounds similar to mine, in that I have a husband who is abstaining from alcohol but is not seeking any other support other than just abstaining. We have been married for close to 5 years, neither of us want children.

When he said he may order a drink, and you told him not a good idea, but it is your choice, I thought that response was pretty good. You have to realize that it is going to be normal for our partners to want alcohol at times because of the cravings of the disease. Wanting a drink is normal, but acting on it and having one is the bad outcome. When my husband craves a drink, I tell him that it is not a good idea because he can become belligerent and do things that scare me and threaten the life of our relationship. And then he has chosen not to have one. I used to say that it is his choice like you did, but our relationship is so vulnerable right now that I don't even say that anymore.

We have been doing pretty well the last few weeks of his sobriety from alcohol, with no belligerence or abuse. But he does smoke pot 24/7, which I have no problem with. I am sober myself, so we go to lots of movies, out to eat, run errands together, and watch a lot of tv. I can see how your husband is bored since he is not involved in recovery or AA. I guess I am lucky that my husband is a pothead, as he is content watching tv all day, and I can get my stuff done.

You identified the problem with your observation that dealing with him is like dealing with a small child.

Suggest to a kid they should put a jacket on because it's cold outside.... They know better.

Suggest to a child that they need to get to bed early or they will be tired and grouchy the next day.... They know better.

Suggest pretty much anything to a child.... They know better.

And so it is with alcoholic folk..... They know better. Always.... Just like little kids.

Suggest something useful to a mature, well adjusted adult..... They usually listen or take the hint.

Kids and alchies.... Same thing, different body size.

No truer words were ever spoken. Well said, Carlotta.

I just wanted to add that the reason he has not be making any more meetings since then (if he ever even went) was because you had mentioned meetings in the past and he used it as a pacifying tool to manipulate you and it worked!
Alcoholics who find themselves in a fox hole are excellent at manipulation.
If he had been real about meetings, he would have at least made a few on his own.
As far as being lonely, if he went to meetings he would make new sober friends. You do not have a responsibility to alleviate his loneliness which is probably more a case of isolation (alcoholism thrive in isolation).

^^^^^^^^^^this!!!!!!!!^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

No, doesn't sound callous at all. Levelheaded and logical, but not callous.

I've pointed out that meetings would be 1) a good way to use up some free time and 2) a good way to meet new people, but he just counters with "I didn't feel comfortable." I suggested he try a meeting in a different town, but that was met with some excuse or another. I can only problem-solve so much.

I am seriously considering ending the relationship. It would be hard (I moved here just before I met him, only have a small circle of friends so far) but it's not like I've never been new somewhere before.

I am in regular contact with substance abusers through work (although it tends to be the "sicker" ones I come into contact with). Sometimes it strikes me how similar the patterns of behavior are across substances, socioeconomic classes, age, etc.

there is usually quite a gap from the first time a person admits that drinking is a problem and then actually taking action. unless he had headphones on during the meeting, he probably heard SOMETHING that resonated - and that can actually scare the hell out of people. addiction doesn't dig threats much.....and will fight back tooth and nail.

as it is you've ONLY been dating for six months. and this guy comes with a whole set of luggage, plus a couple heavy footlockers. even if this brief attempt at sobriety sticks.....its going to become a really BIG DEAL for him. right now drinking is the center of his life....kind of like the Sun is the center of our little galaxy....and without it the whole thing falls apart.....for the addict/alcoholic a HUGE part of recovery is finding a new healthy long-lived center and then learn how to function in the new orbit.

its up to you if you want to be a small moon going along for the ride........

Anvilhead...that is a really good analogy. I also like the tick on the dog one for co-dependency.

dandylion