Petty stuff
 

I know this is petty stuff but it bugs me. Since AH relapsed he has started calling me everyday while he is at work to "check up" on me -- sometimes he will do this 2-3 times in the day. He says he's calling to tell me something but when he does its nothing, or something I already knew, or just jaw jacks until I ask what he was needing. It's weird and it's uncomfortable to say the least.
Maybe he's insecure, I have no idea, but its very unbecoming. Anyone else experience this sort of thing? He's about to drive me nuts.

A couple of possibilities:
(1) He's trying to seem like an "attentive husband" with friendly little calls throughout the day.
(2) He's trying to "take your temperature" to see if you're upset with him, and if so, how much.
(3) He's trying to play "sober and responsible."

I think it would bug me, too. What would happen if you didn't answer?

If I didn't answer it would be obvious I'm ignoring him because I almost always answer. If he calls again Ill give it a try but it would be out of the norm.

When my husband drank, he always asked me, You ok? I think he did it to make sure he was still good to go if I said yes. If I said no, I'm not... The ring side bell would ding.

No more out of the norm than his calling.

How about being open with him and talking about it? Communication is key.

Yeah, why not discuss this with him? Husbands and wives discuss all kinds of stuff--everyday. Big stuff--and "petty" or small stuff. Sometimes, stuff that you would never dream of discussing with everyone else....LOL!

dandylion

I agree that you should discuss this directly--you sound like you are "stuffing" a great deal of negative emotion right now.

I am. The mere thought of talking to him about the seriousness of whats going on has me on the verge of tears. I know if I start I won't be able to stop. Im not sure I have anything nice to say right now. Besides, I said what I needed to after his last drunk night and would kinda be beating a dead horse.

I don't know if you can assume he remembers much about his last "drunk night" or just after. I am continually amazed at how it's a new day every day with my mate.

Possibly. Or it could be that he knows Im back working my own recovery and it makes him nervous. I've wondered if the checking up is to see if I'm home and not at a meeting.

Well, his calling you multiple times throughout the day isn't the norm either, is it? Your OP made it sound like this is a new thing.

You could just say that you were busy or were in the middle of something. You don't need to be available 24/7 to reassure him. In fact, everything's NOT OK, but you don't have to, as you put it, beat a dead horse. You can simply say that unless there's something he needs to talk to you about, the calls are disruptive to your day. If there are things he just wants to remember to tell you about, he can jot them down and tell you about them when he gets home.

Katchie.....I have never seen, yet--in my whole life--someone who didn't stop crying. Nobody cries constantly..and forever. Not even me--who has made crying a high art form. (crying is natural and o.k..)

To honestly discuss an issue doesn't mean to have to "say something nice"...but, to speak honestly in a respectful way. Stuffing feelings and being choc-full of resentment and anger is more like being two scorpions in a jar...rather than a l oving couple in a house. It is completely possible to have conflict...talk through it...and come to an acceptable conclusion. Many, many issues in a marriage are navigated by this route.
I don't honestly see how any issue can be resolved if this basic tenent of communication doesn't exist.

I am speaking as a person who has been in many relationships and also married (good and bad).

It is my position: "You can't b**** about it if you can't talk about it" (in a marriage).
(of course, in a situation of abuse--I realize that all these rules are off the board).

dandylion

I don't know about you guys but I dont talk to my husband when he's got a buzz and a drunk going on.

Maybe he should be calling his sponsor?

That is not you, right?

This was my first thought. Is he calling on a land line or your cell. You could be anywhere and answer a cell phone.

Hammer, he isn't working a program nor does he have a sponsor. He quit going to AA. :-( It was all just a matter of time; right now it is all just a matter of time.

This was my first thought - that he's hanging on by his fingernails, and he's trying to grab you - the life boat.

What a shame that he's not grabbing the professional kind of support, instead of putting it on your shoulders. What a wuss.

I guess I would also suggest calmly asking him, "Why are you calling me three times a day? What's up?" The answer might actually be interesting.

Sure. Did not remember the particulars, but the story is always all the same, isn't it?

Like Seren observed -- IF you are seeing Honesty, Transparency, and Humility . . . then you are looking at some real Program and Sobriety material.

Otherwise, you are just dealing with Crap.

I experienced this when my husband was drinking too. I also agree that it might be most helpful for YOU to not answer. You can absolutely have boundaries for yourself about when you will or won't answer his phone calls (no answering between 9 to 4, or blocking him for a few hours, putting your phone on silent, maybe starting to routinely turn it off in the middle of the day). That is about YOU and you absolutely have the right to make that decision for yourself. If that makes him feel bad then he can go deal with it on his own. OR maybe he may catch on that you're not answering this umpteen calls during the day and he might stop bugging you so much. The later was what happened for me. I found that it was actually a tough adjustment for me to get used to him NOT calling me and texting me all the live long day.

Oh yeah, I experienced the exact same thing. It's like projection to the absolute max. It would have just been easier if he would have told me that he was feeling bad and wanted to fight and then called me ugly or something. The "are you mad about something?" crap was just total instigating.