serenity27

Hello!

I decided to join this community as a means for finding support and understanding from those who are familiar with relationships involving a recovering alcoholic/addict. I've reached the first "bump in the road" and in respect for my SO's privacy, it's not something I can discuss with friends/family.

M and I met 3 months ago. He completely swept me off my feet, I had never met someone so honest and straight forward and who treated me so well. After a couple weeks and a few dates, he said he had to come clean about something, that he is a recovering alcoholic/addict. He shared a lot about his past and what he's done, and how he's managing it now. Going to his meetings, talking to his sponsor and AA friends, meditation and journaling. He has been in recovery for 8 years, and sober for just over 2. He said he understood if I wasn't ok with this and that I don't have to be, so that if I wanted to end things it was OK to do so.

I thought it all through and decided to proceed in a relationship with him. I realized there will always be a risk of relapse. Given his honesty and seeing that he is active in his recovery I decided it was worth the risk. I have honestly never met a person as self aware as he is. He treats me like an absolute princess, I couldn't ask for anyone better!

In the last month, he finished school and started a new job and was dealing with some health issues (not related to using) and insomnia. All of this change has him completely overwhelmed and he admitted he's having a difficult time coping. He has been a bit distant and needing extra time to himself to self reflect and deal with his emotions.

Things took a turn this week when he said he thinks I deserve more, that he can't give me his 100% right now because he needs to focus on himself and his recovery. He said he's not ok, his mind is going places and he's afraid to relapse and realizes he needs to put all of his energy into making sure it doesn't happen. I told him I will decide what I deserve, and that I fully support him in taking the time he needs to get himself better. He is overwhelmed with everything, including our relationship, and he just needs to press pause for a moment. He has asked for space and emphasized that it wasn't about me, it's not that he doesn't want to spend time with me, but that right now he simply can't. He has to focus on going to his meetings and getting help.

So here I am in limbo. I want to wait out this storm and let him deal with this. At this point I'm not sure what I would do if he relapsed, and I realize that is a possibility but I am remaining hopeful that he pulls through. I just feel stuck about what to do in the mean time. I love him, so naturally I am worrying about him and my natural reaction is to reach out to him, but I know that won't actually help him. I'm trying to keep myself busy, but I'd also like to take this time to really learn about this disease and the best way I can be supportive. I just read "Girlfriend of Bill: 12 Things You Need to about Dating Someone in Recovery" and I just started "Co-dependent no more". Can anyone make any other recommendations? Would an Al-Anon meeting be a good thing to check out?

lillamy

Hi and welcome!

I think an Al-Anon meeting would be a great thing to check out. I'm a big fan of Al-Anon, having gone to meetings and worked their program for coming up on nine years now. (I have been told by people that I should be "done" now, and that I shouldn't "need" the program anymore -- but it keeps me honest with myself and observant on behavior patterns that aren't healthy, so I keep it up!)

Melody Beattie's books are excellent, I really like them. She's very upfront and raw and honest about how difficult it is and how crazy you can get when you're either an addict or in a relationship with one.

As for how to handle your BF and his request for "space" and "needing to focus on his recovery" -- I think I would handle it the way I would handle anyone (addict or not) making that request of me: I would give him the space and go on with my life.

I know it's tempting to want to "help" -- but it's good that you know not to. Respecting his request is, I think, the healthy thing to do, even if it hurts.

To me, it's a sign of healthy thinking in him that he takes a step back and wants to focus on his recovery when he's under pressure.

LexieCat

Agree with lillamy. He's doing the smart thing if he needs to re-focus on his program. I'm six years sober, myself, and sometimes that's what's needed when life gets overwhelming. If he were putting his relationship before his sobriety, that's when he'd be headed for trouble. For an alcoholic sobriety ALWAYS has to come first, or there won't BE any relationships (other than bad ones).

You aren't obligated to wait around, or, as lillamy said, do anything to "support" him. Since he's asked for space I'd suggest you respect that. Maybe things will ultimately work out between you or maybe they won't. No telling, really. But you shouldn't put your whole life on hold in the meantime.

I second the suggestion of Al-Anon, too--I found it to be hugely helpful in my own relationships with alcoholics.

CodeJob

Hello Serenity and welcome to SR!

I think you have made a lot of wise moves already. I think the reading you have done is excellent.

Personally if M is pulling away, it sounds to me that he has not dealt with many of the emotional core issues that may be driving his behavior with you.

My husband has been sober for 18 mo. He is just starting to deal with emotions.

HHTexas

If I could turn back time (Cher echoes in the distance lol), I would have run run run in those early dating days. Realized AH was a problem drinker (at least) at about 6 months in. We're now married with a small child and he still drinks every few months. Been to treatment numerous times.@, AA etc etc. I thought I could help him, change him, love him blah blah. Think LONG AND HARD about going forward. Do you want to give up alcohol completely (you won't want to drink with him), worry during supposed happy times like holidays, stress when he doesn't go to meetings, be present for the mood swings? Yes you can go to Alanon, read the books. All good stuff . Or you can date/marry a non alcoholic and live a somewhat normal life. Just wishing I could have my 20s back. Deserved better! Hugs!!

serenity27

@lillamy - I always kind of viewed Al-Anon based on those TV commercials, for people dealing with someone who is actively drinking. I'm now realizing it isn't quite like that so I'm definitely looking into meetings in my area. I'm SO nervous to go, but I so desperately just want to understand everything and be surrounded by people who know what this is like. I spoke to one close friend briefly about it, I talked about what a great guy M is but as soon as I said "he has a past of alcohol and drug abuse", this friend completely flipped out. It's difficult to discuss this with people who don't know anything about it.

I'm really impressed that he was able to say he's headed down a dangerous path and things are not ok, and he's taking steps to avoid himself slipping further. I'm sad that means our relationship is put on hold as well, but ultimately his health is much more important than that. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that truly caring for him is to back down.

@LexieCat - It's nice to hear from someone on the "other side" so to speak! I know I don't have to wait for him, but for right now I do want to. Not that I'm sitting around twiddling my thumbs, but focusing on my own healthy behaviours and goals and trying my best not to lose myself in helping him.

@CodeJob - Ha, funny you mention core issues. This is exactly something M mentioned. He knows he has to work to do on himself first before he focuses on a relationship.

@HHTexas - Thanks so much for your perspective. The outcome of this situation will be telling in how I choose to move forward. I'm not giving up on him, I feel he is taking the right steps so I have faith that while he is bordering on a relapse, he'll pull through it. If he goes back to using I know I will have to seriously reconsider what I should do - and I can only hope that if it comes to that I will be able to have the strength to walk if I need to. I am reminding myself that it is a disease and he is taking the right steps to manage it. My biggest concern right now is if this is how he will always deal with major change and stress. He admits his coping skills are severely stunted due to years of alcohol and drug abuse.

LexieCat

Let me ask you this, and you don't have to answer it now, but think about it as you go forward.

Suppose he concludes that this is not the time for him to be in a relationship, period. Would you be able to accept that? There's the possibility that it's really true, and there's also the possibility that he sees a problem with THIS relationship that he doesn't quite have the guts to own up to. Alcoholics, especially those who haven't been sober for very long (and two years isn't as long as it might seem to be, especially if he was in and out for the prior six years), are not always really good at navigating relationships, including breakups. They can hem and haw and do the "It's not you, it's me" routine, hoping to make you feel better but actually making you think that there might be a future there. It's not necessarily malicious, but it's not exactly honest, either.

Just keep possibilities like that in the back of your mind, and if he indicates that now is not the time, whatever the realities of it are, you're probably better off moving on.

lillamy

I think most people are nervous to go. And I think most people have a lot of misconceptions about alcoholics and alcoholism. And learning about the disease, how it affects the alcoholic, and the people around the alcoholic -- that can only make one into a more knowledgeable, more compassionate person. Regardless of what happens with your relationship.

serenity27

I would be crushed if he ended things, but I would understand. I don't feel that is the case, but I'm not going to totally reject that possibility either.

I suppose what I am struggling with right now, is that I give him this space by acting as if it's over and he's not going to come around, or do I hang on to that hope that it's just a phase and I should be prepared with how to deal with a recovering addict for when that happens?

serenity27

that can only make one into a more knowledgeable, more compassionate person. Regardless of what happens with your relationship.

That is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so much!

lillamy

Well... one thing Al-Anon taught me (and the friendly folks here at SR) is that you have no influence over what he's going to do so you might as well get used to the idea that the only person you can control is yourself.

That goes for whether he breaks it off with you as well as whether he chooses to take a relapse -- now or next week or in ten years.

Separating yourself from him emotionally doesn't mean that there's no love. It just means that you are responsible for you, and he is responsible for him. You're two individuals who may or may not choose to be together, who can support and help each other with some, but not all, struggles.

shil2587

I can't tell you what you should do but I can tell you that I wrote almost the exact same thing as you a year ago (seriously, have a look on my profile). He broke up with me for the same reason, he needed the space and wanted to protect me from the mess. I found it very very hard but during that year apart we barely saw each other but did meet up a couple of times to keep the lightest connection going.

In that year he worked on him, I learned so much about.myself and about alcoholism primarily in this community. About two months ago we got back together, both if us in better places. But no matter how much we love each other and how much we want to, we can never forget that relapse is a risk. He will always need the space to put hisrecovery first, eeven when that means spending a few weeks apart. On top of that, I have to deal with things that he has done in his early recovery that are difficult to talk about let alone come to terms with.

So.my questions to you: can you accept a back seat in his life knowing his recovery is always going to dictate the relationship to a degree? Are the good things you have with him enough?
Do you know what he is like when he drinks so you can be certain of your own physical and emotional safety?

I sincerely wish you both the best, he sounds like he is really working hard and has treated you well thus-far.

dandylion

serenity27....w hat would you do if you were dating a guy with no addiction issues and he said to you: "Babe, I need some space, right now. This relationship is more pressure than I can handle. I want some space--without you in it".

dandylion

serenity27

@lillamy - thank you so much for your words and perspective. It's so refreshing to talk to people who have a better idea of what this is like.

@shil2587 - I had to ask myself in the beginning if this was all worth it, and it absolutely is. Having a relationship with him is never going to be easy or simple, but it's incredibly rewarding and totally worth the wait of him taking a moment to focus on himself. I hope it's not a long moment :p

@dandylion - I guess I just don't see as black and white. Typically asking for space is a slow break up, but he was very adamant that I understood that isn't what he's asking for. He's not asking to not have my in his life at all, he's just asking that we slow things down. We're at the point where I was inviting him to meet my family, things were progressing and becoming more serious. He doesn't want us to stop seeing each other, the relationship just needs to pause where it is while he manages his issues. I think there is just too much happening at once - a new job, a new schedule, our relationship accelerating, he's literally got a couple weeks left of probation, he's now eligible to renew his license (he had DUI's long ago and lost his license). It's a lot all at once and is causing him to have anxiety and compromising his sobriety.


I am SO glad I decided to join this forum, it's a relief just to feel like I can talk about this and get feedback from others who understand!

spiderqueen

Given all this, I would recommend YOU taking a big step back, regardless of what he wants and needs. Someone with this much baggage and a decided lack of coping skills might not be great relationship material...

Many of us here become so deeply invested in and concerned with our (R)A partners well being & issues that we quickly lose sight of our own. Just a word of caution from someone who has BTDT.

I hope things work out for you both.

Soberintexas007

Hi Serenity,
It seems to me that there are one of two things going on here:
(1) Because of everything that is happening in his sobriety and the resulting stress, he really does need some space to focus on himself. Who knows, he may even have a sponsor who is the one suggesting this to him.
(2) Something just does not feel right in the relationship, and this is his way of saying it is not working.

I think two years is a good amount of time to have sober. My concern would be if this is going to be a recurring theme in the relationship: Will he be needing space away from you to focus on himself? If I am in a relationship and my partner is stressed or struggling, I would think we would work together to help him get out of the rut. But that is something personal to me and maybe not other people.

Good luck!

Hopeworks

Welcome Serenity,

Did he explain why he is still on probation if his DUI's were long ago? It sounds like he may be on felony probation and probably being drug screened and trust me that does have a strong influence on keeping people sober if a violation of probation sends you to prison.

He may be a chronic relapser and things may change once probation is over. Three months is a very short period of time and he may be completely transparent, totally honest and 100% dedicated to his sobriety or maybe he has not told you everything.

Do you have friends in common? Anyone that has known him a long time that can vouch for his character and truthfulness of his past? Have you met his family? Have you checked his criminal record?

Please be careful with your heart. A's ...even sober A's are often not good relationship material and should come with warning labels. I fell in love with my A who was in "recovery" and sure enough...he relapsed... and I spent 4 years on the alcoholic crazy train...he had my heart all wrapped up and I was enmeshed totally.

Do you really want to wrap your life and future with someone who is will always have a risk of relapsing and turning your life upside down? If I had it to do over I would have run as fast as I could the other way...

AnvilheadII

three months is such a brief period of time, a blip really.....just meeting and dating someone. and then that someone starts to withdraw, get distant and then calls for a HALT, a pause. what is interesting is that instead of saying, oh ok, take care, best wishes on getting things sorted out - you want to find out all you can about HIS issues, about being the gf of a recovering person, and how you can offer the best SUPPORT. and you say you would be CRUSHED if he ended things.....

ideally with about 12 weeks of interaction, getting to know you, etc, we should be able to walk away with relative ease. timing isn't right, one of the parties has reassessed their willingness, ability or desire to continue. that's what DATING Is all about....testing the waters, without diving into the deep end, so it's easy to get out with limited to no collateral damage.

he does have a lot of big life changes going on....and shortly after starting up with you he indicated his sobriety was getting shaky and sketchy. in fact it probably already was a little tenuous - 2 years sober can be a real fish or cut bait point of recovery - plus with the impending lifting of probation, he no longer has that added "reason" to not drink.....it can feel like an "all clear" moment...look at me, I got this now - new job, new license off probation, new girl.........and at least he had the insight to unload some of the stress. this will take more than a few moments for him.

his alcoholism is something he has been dealing with for a long long time....as a drunk (with multiple DUIs) and finally getting 2 years sober after trying for 8. he knows what he's doing, and as much as you might not want to hear this, does not NEED your support. he didn't ask for that....he pulled away. let him.