freetosmile

So as you all know, I had a meltdown yesterday. And this is as honest as I possibly can be. Sungrl (I think is the correct user name) and Amy55 really had an impact in my day. Sungrl said something about my son's pants and it made me realize that I was not paying attention to what was important. Amy55 was so kind and compassionate that it brought tears to my eyes (not unusual for me lately).
So I decided to pull myself up and get the move on. I wrote three letters. One to my grandpa on my dad's side. He sent me a christmas check for 500$ and I got it in the mail yesterday. So I emailed him and told him how he had just provided gifts for all five kids and a wonderful meal. I sent an email to my grandparents on my mom's side telling them how grateful I was to have them because they have been a big emotional support for me. Grandma responded that it put her in tears and it was so nice of me.
Then I wrote a thank you card to a gas station that I go to often because when I was so broke the other day I called to see if my sister could pay for some gas with her card over the phone. The owner said no, they couldn't do that anymore...BUT if I needed to charge 20$ worth of gas she would be more than happy to do that. Turns out I didn't need to, but that act of kindness really stuck with me and I wanted to tell her how rare that is these days. She said she was so touched by my card that my AH and I get free sodas (he he).
If felt good to thank everyone.

AH is trying to back out of treatment. He's back and forth about it. Now the hold up is that our suburban is broke down and we can't fit all five kids in the car to take him up there. I said we could take the younger two and the older three can stay home by themselves for the night.
"well they are NOT old enough, they can't handle it!" says AH
"Um, J is 14, S is 13, and S is 12. Don't you think that's kind of insulting to them saying they can't handle ONE night?"
"I don't think they should HAVE to be asked to handle it!"
" They would probably REALLY enjoy it actually! So are you saying you won't go to treatment because the kids?"

Just around and around. He of course was drunk again last night. I gave him 20$ from grandpa's check and that is what he spent it on...nice.

Then he ticked me off because I was soooo excited about buying the kids some christmas presents! He was drunk and would pass out and I would get on the computer and hit amazon and go SHOPPING!!! hurray!! But NO! He refused to pass out and wanted to shop with me....ugh. So I had him lurking over my shoulder suggesting the most absurd gifts, not making any sense, and breathing his beer breath all over me. That irritated me. But I just said I was getting tired and would finish in the morning.

So yesterday he said he wouldn't drink and he did. Today he sent me a text saying "if there is any beer in the fridge, please throw it out". like this hint that he is not going to drink tonight. HA!

And then he reassured me that yes, he is still going to treatment. The mind bending BS just never goes away. I can't wait for him to go to treatment.

So the good news is that my breakdown brought forth some very positive results for me and forced me to reach out of isolation. and the bad news is that I'm not even sure that he will even go to treatment.

Hawkeye13

Well, if he does you get some breathing room, and if he doesn't,
his actions make very clear where he is in his addiction and you can then
make your own plans.

You don't have to live with an active alcoholic for even one more minute than you choose to.

Glad you reached out--it feels good to feel gratitude, doesn't it?

Now what are you getting for yourself with Grandpa's money?
Taking care of yourself is part of the deal

LexieCat

The good news is very good, indeed. Make sure that money is where he can't get at it. It's yours. I wouldn't give him any more of it unless it's earmarked for him from the giver.

As for the bad news, he'll either go or he won't. Enjoy today. You can figure out your next move if he doesn't go.

freetosmile

I actually bought my daughter and I a camera. A decent one. We both LOVE taking pictures and I thought it would help me get out of the house and into nature. I feel closest to God when I can feel the wind on my face and get fresh air! So it was kind of a family gift, but I will put very good use to it!
My AH wanted me to get an xbox 360 because he likes to play it. I told him I had been asking for a camera for years now (he doesn't believe in buying gifts for adults, spouses, etc. not even on valentines day) and it would really help me find a positive hobby. HA! He STILL wanted the xbox....I bought the camera!

oh and I bought BRAND NEW pants for my son. The vinegar worked great, however for his blankets and sheets

FireSprite

Your good news is actually GREAT.

Showing your gratitude like that, taking charge like that, not falling for the quacking..... you are really getting the hang of this recovery thing! Just keeping taking baby steps like this - you can keep advancing in your recovery regardless of whether he goes to treatment or not.

Isn't vinegar amazing? I use it for so much around the house that I started buying it in large gallon sized containers.

dandylion

freetosmile....yeah, he will **** every bit of the 500$ away if you let him. I propose that you quickly spend it all on the Christmas for the kids ASAP. That way--he can't talk you out of it!

dandylion

amy55

This is just terrific news!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so glad that you reached out to people yesterday. It made them feel good, and it made you feel good. So happy for you. (((hugs))). You and the kids are going to have a really good Christmas this year. YaY

No need to explain to me about the $20. Sometimes we need to do what we do for our own survival. I can actually understand throwing him a bone to head off WW3.

You're sounding soooooooo much better today !!!!!!!!!!!!!

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

NotSoSmart

Once I understood that any amount of money given to my ex when she was active in her disease was a "gift" and my influence on how it was spent ended when it left my fingers I was OK. I could then make better decisions if I felt I wanted to give money or not without an expectation of how she'd use it or if I'd get it back (even if she promised).
You made a decision based on what you felt was best at the time; he didn't spend it on gas, which is just an A doing what they do. However the enabling thing to do would be to now go and get his gas. He spent that money already; how he fills up is his issue, not yours.

amy55

freetosmile,

Don't do what I did. I isolated. I became afraid to talk to people. It kept me in my situation for a lot longer then I would have stayed.

You have many people here that are here for you.

You know I'll be here for you.

You can also use the ignore button if anyone is upsetting to you.

This is the first time that you are really reaching out to people and some people are further ahead in their recovery then you are in yours.

I also want to thank you for sharing your good news with us, that made my day !!!!!

((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

freetosmile

I do understand everyone's concern about my son and his pants. He doesn't only have ONE pair, he has several. Three of them, I couldn't get the smell out and the good ones got ripped. I'm not sitting around eating bon bons while my children suffer. When I was puking sick on Tuesday I attempted with my last 10$ to go into town. I had to turn around. I am a good mother. My children aren't fine but I am not ignorant of that. Yes I gave my A money. But I also took care of my kids first. Yes I am poor right now. I haven't always been poor, quite the contrary....but I am trying to finish my second degree.

Fandy

no one said you were NOT a good mother, but you are letting your husband drain all of your attention.
Seriously, leaving a 14, 13 and 12 year olds ALONE OVERNIGHT with no supervision is not a good call. If you did that in my state, and there was an emergency, you would be in trouble legally.

he's 31 years old, let him figure out how to get to rehab by himself. He can call them and get possible help from them?

happybeingme

I am glad you got a financial help. If you can use some to stock up on food staples.

Hawkeye13

I'm glad to hear you bought the camera--that is a positive family gift
and kids are only lkids for a little while so it is important to get the pictures while you can.

Keep posting and as they say around here, "take what is useful to you and leave the rest"

Butterfly

Freetosmile take what you want from the comments and leave the rest!! Like you at times I feel that some get frustrated that my recovery isn't moving fast enough and I haven't gotten over it or further along than they think I should be. I get annoyed and many times I have thought about leaving the forum and I don't actually post as often as I am worried about others reaction. BUT this is my recovery and it will take as long as it takes as will yours, you go at your own pace, you look after you and your kids as best you can and remember there may be some who's responses upset you but there are so many others on this forum who give such good advise, support and love so as I said try and take what or need from comments and leave the rest.

Ps good for you with buying something nice for you self. tight hugs

freetosmile

in Nebraska we have no law. Children are able to stay alone based on their "maturity" according to NE DSS website. My eldest daughter has babysat into late hours of the night for people. And I'm very good friends with the sheriff who lives several houses away. He would check up them. No, I don't have to go. Absolutely not. I'm supportive of him going, and so are the kids. The younger ones WANT to see where their dad is going to be. So would I, in fact. But no, it is not absolutely necessary. And I have taken quite a bit of time to speak, talk, and love on my kids. My husband wanted to go to treatment....that sort of changes the daily routine. I HAVE to think about how that is all going to play out. This isn't a "typical" day. I regret opening up about my sons bed wetting problems. I have tried everything I know. Enuresis alarms, waking him up myself, desmopressin (pills), everything. Doc says he will grow out of it. How is that within my control? Should I berate my son and make a huge deal out of it? I researched it and no. Quietly cleaning up and not pushing pushing for him to fix it is the way.
no I may not be even close to recovery, but I'm trying. And I'm not neglecting my kids. I stated in a post last week I knew tj needed pants. I did the best I could as fast as I could while trying to get my A out of our hair for a month of peace.

dandylion

freetosmile....I join in the chorus of "take what is useful for you and leave the rest".

dandylion

Seren

Ladies and gentlemen,

Here is the 'official' point of view:

Several posts have been removed, as well as posts that quoted them. If you cannot be respectful while being truthful, then perhaps it is time to move on to another thread or to welcome the next newcomer.

Seren
SR Forum Leader

FireSprite

Free - I know this sounds odd re: the bed wetting, but I've heard from other parents that chiropractic adjustments can be helpful. My old boss' grandkids had issues & swore by getting adjustments - the incidences would stop immediately after an adjustment. They were about 10 & 7 when they started getting adjustments.

I know it's not the simplest or most cost-effective solution for everyone, but I thought I'd mention it because I know how difficult this situation can be from watching them struggle with it.

freetosmile

what a great idea! I will talk to my chiropractor...i see one for my neck and overall health. Thanks! That brightened my day!

FireSprite

Oh, good, glad you didn't think it was TOO crazy.

If you google it you'll find some good info about it. I really hope it helps, even temporarily. I know it has to be affecting his confidence & it's hard to watch our kids suffer like that. (((HUGS)))