From amicable to ANGRY?? What in the world?
 

After a very sad, but amicable break up, I suddenly got a very angry text last night. When we split, we both told each other how much we loved one another, and although we were both heartbroken, we wished each other the best and I told him that I would always have faith in him being able to turn his life around. We cried and it was so, so heartbreaking, but he couldn't, or wouldn't, stop drinking and I couldn't continue to watch him slowly kill himself and drive drunk. The night before he moved his things out, he asked if he could see me one last time and I said no, it would only make it harder, and he said he could respect that. He said he'd always love me and I said the same. It wasn't angry, it was just....so, so sad.

We haven't talked since. He's sent me a few texts asking about odd things, but I haven't responded.

Last night, at around 11pm, I received an angry text from him. I won't get into what was said, but it was angry and it hurt. I don't understand? Aside from his inability to stop drinking, we had an excellent relationship. Even our break up was calm and amicable - heartbreaking, but calm.

I'm not going to obsess over it because I know I didn't do a thing wrong for him to react that way towards me, but I am confused and it did hurt me quite a bit for him to act like that towards me. I feel like the entire situation hurt so much and that was the last thing I deserved. Why in the world would it go from what it was to this anger? I need to understand this. I fight the guilt of leaving him daily, but I know it's just that.... guilt. And that's mine to own, because I didn't do anything to feel guilty about except put my foot down and ask him to make a decision about whether he wanted to get help and stay together or continue drinking and break up. He chose to continue drinking. That's not what I wanted, it's what he chose. And it hurt like h*ll. When I get twinges to go back, I realize it's only my guilt and I'm able to push past it. It's hard when he would continuously tell me that I saved his life because before we were together, he was drinking so heavily and it was only a matter of time before he ended up dead. So yeah, that guilt is heavy, but I'm figuring it out.

What is this all about now? Is this normal alcoholic behavior? I really don't get it. I went to my first alanon meeting last night and was feeling pretty together...I'm still feeling together, but I'm confused. I want to remember the good person, not this angry, mean person.

Short answer: yes this is typical alcoholic behavior.

Slight longer answer: you can spend the rest of your life trying to figure out why A's do what they do but even if you could somehow untangle that knot, would it change anything? Would it make his behavior any more or less acceptable to understand why he does it?

When we block out what active A's SAY and only pay attention to what they DO, it is a lot easier to accept them at face value and make choices accordingly.

I'm sorry it doesn't make it hurt any less, but only time and space are going to help with that anyway. Sending you hugs, strength, and patience.

Huge hugs to you girl...It's not you. You didn't do anything. He was obviously feeling the consequences of his choice and chose to blame you and lash out at you. Put it on the shelf it belongs on...HIS own guilt and shame being projected onto you. It would be the same if he stood on top of a building and decided to jump off and gravity pulled his rear-end to the ground then called you to blame you for how he is feeling after being stupid. Why would you give that notion a second thought?

Dear Flipped....this is common alcoholic behavior (or non-alcoholic behavior of a person who is struggling with their own emotions). The two m ost common tacts are 1. Take the victim role. or 2. Lash out in anger. These, however, are his emotions to choose and he has ever right to feel or react as he chooses. YOU, on the other hand have the same right to feel or react as you choose. You each have no real control over the o ther.

You can't expect him to feel happy or good or to be docile...or, any particular way. He is as he is. You are as you are. You can only expect to m ake good decisions for your self and to be responsible for the consequences of those choices (good or bad).

I may have suggested that you read "Co-dependent No More"; "The Sabre-toothed Tiger"; and the articles by Floyd P. Garrett, M.d. (do google search)---especially the one titled: "Addiction, Lies, and Relationships". The can give you a very good intellectual type understanding of the dynamics of how addicts "think" as well as your personal dynamics (The Saber-toothed Tiger).

dandylion

This is typical alcoholic behavior. It is also very typical alcoholic behavior of a person who you separated from and won't engage with. Stay no contact. Block him. Keep your focus on you.

Alcoholism accelerates, it's painful to watch.

After I left AXH, I would get texts and e-mails that, in summary, said, "You were a horrible wife and I hate you, but because I love you, I will give you another chance at coming back and being a better wife this time around."

Doesn't make any sense? Right. It doesn't.

I read a book early on (not an AA book) by a psychologist that had treated alcoholics, and he said something along these lines: People in general tend to have some kind of "storyline" for their lives: You can be the hero, who came from humble circumstances and won over tough odds and succeeded, etc. Most alcoholics have a script for their lives where they are the victim. The story goes "every time I try to stick my head up, the Universe plays whackamole with me," basically.

That's the story AXH told me when we met. Everything in his life had been difficult; every time he had been close to "making it," someone, completely without reason, sabotaged his life. Parents, girlfriends, friends, bosses, coworkers... he never understood why, but people always hated him and sabotaged his life. The universe, he said, clearly had something against him.

When I left him, I became part of that storyline. Alcoholics, this psychologist said, want to "make their story work" regardless of whether it's objectively true or not. So in AXH's mind, I was not the wife who had stuck by him and fought for him to get sober for 20 years -- I was the lying cheating faking witch with a capital B who ruined his life. Because if I wasn't, then he was no longer the victim. Then he would have to take responsibility for his drinking. And the alcoholism can't have that. The alcoholism needs to protect itself.

That's one reason recovery is so hard for an addict. Because they don't just need to win over the physical addiction. They also have to accept a different "storyline" for their lives, one where they are no longer a victim but an active agent who can't blame anything and everything for their situation.

Wow, all of it makes complete sense. Thank you guys.

So basically, if he turns me into the bad guy, it'll go along with what he needs to keep telling himself so he can continue down the path he's on. It makes me feel better to know I didn't do a thing wrong to deserve that, but it also makes me sad that their minds are so twisted up that they have to create scenarios like this to stay on the path to destruction. The dynamics almost seem psychopathic in a way. Not that he is psychopathic, but the dynamics that the alcoholic mind creates to stay active are seem close.

I've made an appointment with an excellent counselor that is well versed in addiction. He has a long waiting list, but promised to get me in for regular appointments by the end of the month. I don't want things like this to affect me so much, but it's hard to not take it personally, and I need to get a grip on that. Between alanon, counseling and sheer resolve to not fall back into the trap, I will change my thinking and never get myself into another situation like this again. I don't think my heart could take another trip down the alcoholism road. :(

You got some great answers here, not much I can add. There is no "making sense" of it.

My Ah let loose on me Monday - same type of stuff- had said he loved me - wished me well and then- WHAM! I am horrible - etc- I have let it ruin my week and make me feel physically ill which is pissing me off! Know it is typical- unfortunately has happened to many of us here. Sending hugs!

This has floored me. Thank you so much for posting it, Lillamy.

This is exactly the story my AH told me when we met. I fell for it, hook, line and sinker!

I wont ever fall for it again, that is for sure.

I heard the same story from my xabf too. It's amazing how it immediately sucked me in and I felt sorry for him. I have been nc with my xabf and have him blocked every way possible as he continued to ignore my boundaries ( which by the way I have stuck too and he wasn't expecting that). He showed up last night, drunk as always and first was "nice" and when that didn't work he turned nasty and I became the villain again. It's funny really, I never used to understand this behavior from him but now I know it just how he plays his story in his head...either I am submissive and under his control or i am the reason his life sucks. He will never take responsibility for his actions while drunk (verbal and physical abuse, lying, cheating and using me). And I am no longer waiting for him to. I am trying to move on and heal which sometimes seems like such an impossible task...one day at a time, sometimes it's one hour at a time but at least I keep trying to move forward without him. So, today is back to nc day 1 for me. Believe it or not....last night actually gave me more courage to keep moving on without him...He is not ready to start working towards sobriety and I will no longer live like that.

((((Hugs flipped))))

Great post, especially this:

Also, that about the "storyline" for our lives--that one's a keeper.

I'm so sorry Barelybreathing - I can only imagine how hard it must be having him right there after the time away from him. I started to feel sorry my ex too and started to let the thoughts get control of my mind, but I pushed it away. He has no reason to be angry with me - these choices were all his, and like I have to live with my choice not to marry an active alcoholic, he has to live with his of choosing to continue drinking instead of reaching out for help.

Luckily, I don't think my ex has it in him to show up here. He's very reserved as a person.

Hugs - we'll get through this. One step at a time. :/

It took me a while to notice with my husband that, no matter where he worked, it was always populated by f*wits ... there was a common denominator there, eventually I saw the pattern

Yes, isn't it strange how that works?

Exactly.

This thread is great, thanks for all your shares!!