walkinganewpath

I was going to post this in the F&F 12 Step Forum but there is much more activity here I thought I would get more responses. If the thread should be moved please let me know...Thanks!

I have been attending Al-Anon for a little over three months - 1 to 2 times a week. I find that when I can't get to a meeting at least once a week that I struggle quite a bit with myself. This happened over the Thanksgiving holiday - between the holiday itself and the kids schedules I just couldn't get there - plus drinking activity seems to ramp up over the weekends and holidays.

I go to meetings during the day when the kids are at school. Lately I try not to leave them alone with AH in the evening for very long or very often - usually doing so has me walk into a bit of chaos - house a disaster, everyone grouchy, someone crying because "daddy is a jerk", etc, etc.

I was thinking that having a sponsor would be helpful to me overall but especially in those times that I can't get to a meeting.

A few questions:

Do I need to be attending longer to ask for sponsorship?

How long should my sponsor have been in program before becoming a sponsor?

Is it something you ask for or does someone volunteer?

If it is up to me to ask do I ask generally (like tell our GR or share that I am looking for a sponsor) or do I just pick someone specific?

If I need to pick someone specific is it best to pick someone that I not only 'click' with but that also has had circumstances similar to mine? ie - someone who has lived/is living through active alcoholism with their AH as their qualifier and with younger children.

My 'home' meeting is tomorrow and I am going to try to pay attention to the regulars to see if I think one of them might be a good sponsor for me.

Thanks in advance for sharing any experiences you've had or any advice.

hopeful4

Hello. I don't know what your walk in faith is, but Celebrate Recovery is very much like Alanon and usually has classes for children and teens, or many have free babysitting if they don't have the classes. You may want to see if there is one near you, I credit CR for saving my sanity!

I will let some others chime in with their advise to you about asking for a sponsor. My best advise is to seek someone who is serious about sponsorship and that you feel you "click" with.

XXX

AnvilheadII

a good gauge in a sponsor would be someone how has what you want....and also IMO has completed ALL the steps at least once and has significant time in the program.

ideally a sponsor helps you with the PROGRAM, how it works, the steps, the traditions, etc. it is not necessary that they have walked in your shoes.

lillamy

I don't know what's "general praxis" in Al-Anon, but I didn't choose a sponsor based on their experiences. I chose based on someone I clicked with and could relate to.

I was married to an alcoholic. My sponsor had a son who was a drug addict. I think at times, her different perspective helped me see things in a different light.

I will also say that like with meetings/groups, it might not be a great fit with the first one you try. Don't be afraid to say so if you feel like your sponsor is not a good fit -- but also be honest with yourself about whether it's really not a good fit or whether your sponsor is just encouraging you to handle things that are uncomfortable.

I sat through enough meetings that I sort of got a grip on the people in the group, and then I asked the person I felt the most connected to. That may not be the "proper" way of doing it, but that's what I did. I've heard other people say they've been approached by people in the group who have asked them "do you need a sponsor? If so, I'd love to help you." I've also heard people approach someone to be their sponsor and been turned down -- that must be tough, but it's a good thing, because if someone isn't ready to sponsor you, it's good if they are aware of that.

walkinganewpath

hopeful4 - Thanks for the info on CR. I did check it out online and there is a meeting nearby. However I don't really think of myself as a 'Christian'. I'm very spiritual but not very religious. I was raised a Lutheran but as I've gotten older my faith has changed to something less doctrine related. So it's probably not a good fit for me but I will keep it in mind.

Thank you!!

walkinganewpath

Thank you Anvilhead and Lillamy for sharing your experiences and knowledge.

I'm going to take an open minded open hearted look around at the next few meetings at people's personalities and also try to get a sense of where folks are in terms of program instead of just looking at whether or not they have/have had similar experiences. There are a few women who are parents of A's with non A spouses that I really like. They seem to have a focused calmness about them that appeals to me. The one woman I know that has a spouse who is an A is very nice but she's a bit spazzy and high octane - I think she is a bit much for me.

NotSoSmart

When I got my first sponsor, I had a lot of unrealistic expectations. I thought we'd be BFF's and I'd have that connection with someone I've always longed for. However, when it didn't turn out that way and my sponsor turned out to be *gasp* human being I set myself up for a huge letdown.
Remember you can un-choose a sponsor if the relationship isn't what you thought. that sometimes makes it easier to choose, knowing it is not set in stone.
I asked a few people that turned out to be "full"; apparently a lot of others had what they wanted, so don't be discouraged if that happens. It is better for a potential sponsor to be honest about her ability to give you time than you to find out later she doesn't have the time you need.

walkinganewpath

Thanks NSS. I honestly don't want a BFF - I can't keep up with the ones I have. But I can see how having an unavailable sponsor can be a problem.

I have heard the same about sponsors as I've heard about meetings - sometimes after a bit you figure out they just don't fit. So if for some reason I think I haven't picked right I will definitely address it. Probably a waste of time for us both if we let it go on