dreamingkitty

My dh was an active alcoholic for many years. It was a scary time as he was often a violent drunk and scared me and my five children. Four of my kids are adults now. Three of the four live at home still. My youngest daughter discovered she was preggers about the time I asked my husband for a divorce 18 month ago. She gave birth to a beautiful boy whom I adore who has a terminal illness. The father of my grandson wants very little to do with the baby so she lives at home with us and her son. I try to help where I can but admit my husband does a lot of the care

My husband had a little over 18 months sober. He got sober when I asked for a divorce. I stayed hoping things would get better. I was no angel either and felt we could at least try to save our nearly 30 yr marriage.

I went to meeting locally. But due to work schedules and other issues I have not gone in several months. My therapist suggested online groups to connect with folks. This is why I'm hear.

My husband is active again. I feel like it is my fault. I know the C's. And keep saying it's not but I feel like because I have the rare occasional drink he decided it was all ok and I sent the message it was. He did talk to me a about drinking not long ago and my reply was " you're a grown man who can make his own choices".

We went out and he had a drink. I didn't lecture I had a drink and left it alone. We want out again and he had a drink and then brought a six pack into the house.

My mind went racing to our grandson and the relationship he has with our daughter. To the newly built and amazing relationship he has with our youngest son. The. It went to the fear of what this could all lead to. The scary moments, police at the house and being afraid

I thought about how he said if he drank again he would go right back to where he was before. How he didn't want that.

Last night I paced the floor with anxiety and finally told him I was afraid. I'm scared where this will go. That I know it's his choice but I'm scared. I said I. Trying to let go of the need to control the situation but I needed to say if the violence starts up I'm going to have to leave.

He said it was a buzzkill and I'm the most controlling person he's known.

I've been able to sleep tonight. I've been filled with anxiety and have tossed and turned. I don't know what to do

happybeingme

Hi! Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is not your fault. Your drinking had nothing to do with it. Your husband made a choice. He had complete control and decided to drink again. Now you need to decide what is best and safest for you and your family.

Please stick around. Others will be here soon.

LexieCat

Hi, dreaming,

Wow, you've got a lot on your plate, there. Can't say I blame you for being fearful.

You know where his drinking will lead. Even if you didn't have others in your household to protect, YOU are worth protecting.

It isn't your fault that he's drinking. Your having the occasional drink doesn't signal that it's OK for him to--you aren't an alcoholic, he is. If your drinking bothered him or made him feel like drinking, it's his responsibility to speak up about that. Looks to me like he was looking for an excuse, and if it hadn't been your occasional drink it would have been something else that he would try to lay at your feet.

So, given that he apparently has no problem with the fact that he's now back to drinking again, and given what you know about alcoholism, what is your boundary? Are you willing to wait for the next episode of violence? He's already said your voicing legitimate concerns about your own safety is a "buzzkill." The "buzz" is more important to him. What is this telling you? And are you willing to risk the care of your grandson to this man, who apparently has no willingness nor desire to ensure the safety of his loved ones?

I've been sober in AA for six years, and been around AA for decades, since my first husband got sober 35 years ago. Most alcoholics have a pretty rapid descent once they start drinking again, and for most of them, it is worse than it was when they quit. That's the reality you are facing.

It sounds to me that at the time you decided to call off the divorce it was because you believed you were safe because he was in recovery and doing well. Hasn't the situation changed, dramatically?

Hugs, I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation. I think you know what needs to be done. His help at home won't last, and everyone in the household will be at risk if this continues.

dandylion

dreaming kitty....I think LexieCat addressed this issue pretty thoroughly. I would like to just emphasize the need to have a safety plan in place, right away. You can call the domestic violence center and confidentially talk to the understanding and helpful counselors there about your situation and concern....and they can help you put together a safety plan that you can implement. This is exactly what they are there for. Don't hesitate to use their services if you need help. The idea is to act preemptively to prevent something bad from happening.

I would also say to you that taking action to make plans will reduce your anxiety about what to do. Definitive action helps us to not feel so helpless when we are confused and fearful. Even some first baby steps has an enormous effect.

We are here for you...and we care about you. Please hang around and l et us know how things are going.....

dandylion

CodeJob

Hello Dreaming Kitty,

Is he home alone with this small child? Is he capable of truly caring for this one if he is returning to drinking?

I know I would be overwhelmed with big picture worries. I'd break it down to small pieces.

If my H relapses, I'm kicking him out. He knows it. That is my boundary after 18 years of watching his addiction progress.

Do you have a boundary you set in light of the violence?

Lexi is right that A doesn't take long to get right back into the disease. Be safe.

dreamingkitty

My mistake is I changed my boundary. I had said if he drank again I would leave. Somehow I got it in my head that was not allowing him to make choices for himself. I am not sure how I got that twisted in my head. I now feel if he comes home drunk I am out of here. So far his drinking has been one drink. But I felt it last night as I watched him drink that drink that it wont be long. My two kids of legal drinking age do drink in the house but they do not get drunk and do not cause any kind of issues. Yet I somehow feel when the kids all find out they will blame me. I am not sure why that is bothering me so much as well.

I have no family nearby. I had money saved for nearly a year in case something happened like this but I got comfortable and began spending it on myself for things like a haircut and yarn for knitting. I feel like a fool now. I was unble to sleep most of last night due to the anxiety of it all.

dandylion

dreamingkitty....I believe that it would give you comfort to talk your situation over with the counselor (by phone) at the dv center. They have resources at their fingertips that an individual might not have access to or knowledge of. They deal with these kinds of situations every day. Everything is confidential and you are not obligated to do anything that you don't want to do. Sometimes, just talking it over with a knowledgable and compassionate other can reduce your anxiety.

You are not the cause of his drinking. That is entirely his choice and responsibility. Do not take on guilt for things that you are not responsible for! If your children try to assign guilt....do not accept it!! It is o.k. to inform them that you do not accept guilt for things you are not responsible for.

Remember, that a boundary is set by YOU and for YOU. It is to protect YOURSELF. It is not a "rule" that you assign to him.

I do understand how this anxiety is wearing on you. Taking action or making decisions for your own welfare will help to give you relief.

dandylion

dreamingkitty

Trying to find the list of abbreviations. I know when I used this site before there was one. Maybe I ask what a dv center is?

I did just get off the phone with my therapist who told me to not allow this to suck up my day which is exactly what I was doing. Long standing habit I thought I broke. Guess not.

dreamingkitty

Trying to find the list of abbreviations. I know when I used this site before there was one. Maybe I ask what a dv center is?

I did just get off the phone with my therapist who told me to not allow this to suck up my day which is exactly what I was doing. Long standing habit I thought I broke. Guess not.

FlippedRHalo

dv stands for domestic violence.

dreamingkitty

sorry the double post. Not sure why it did that. Oh , that makes sense. I have dealt with them before and they were of no help. Told me to take a few thousand dollars out of my savings that my husband wont miss. My jaw dropped and my eyes popped out of my head. We don't have that kind of money. That was it. I do need to make a plan. Just not sure how or what to do. I might have to ask around for places to go or to talk to.

dandylion

dreaming kitty....that was then...but, the circumstances are different, now. Please talk to another person and explain your current concerns. Your fears sound more immediate, now.
They can give you help to locate emergency shelter, if needed. Or, to find other types of housing, or help with counseling services or how to access all of the social services that are available in your area. They can refer you to legal help with persons who are sensitive to your type of situation. They can also give you instructions of what to do if your husband should suddenly become violent or out of control. They can help you to know how to prepare to leave, if you need to...what steps to make in preparation for that. I really do encourage you to make another attempt at talking to them.
You need all the support and planning, right now, that you can garner. In a crisis--this will pay off!! In a crisis--you may have to act or make decisions very quickly.

dandylion

**You don't have to have thousands of dollars to get help.

CodeJob

You've got all sorts of young adults living in the house and a grandchild, right? Can't you make him depart if he chooses to drink?

This sort of stand might be a bit more Rational Recovery, where you pretty much call a spade a spade and they suffer immediate consequences of not fitting into the family behavior of how a responsible person deals with life.

hopeful4

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is not your fault. I would not drink around him again, nor would I allow any alcohol in the home. Why tempt fate?

So take this a moment at a time. What can you do for right this second. Make sure you have a support system. Go to Alanon. It's great that you have a counselor. So you blew your fund. That's ok. Start building it up again. Get all of your documents (birth certificates, etc), in a safe place. Open a bank account IN YOUR NAME ONLY. Have keys to your car, etc in a safe place along with a change of clothes, etc. Basically what you would need in a true emergency. I think it's good for every single person to have this in case of emergencies, don't let it freak you out.

You need to prepare that this will likely accelerate. You had made an ultimatium and did not stick to it. That's ok. However, you now see that did not work. So, sit down and make boundaries for yourself. Things you are in control of. If he drinks I will not be around him, I will leave the home or he will have to leave the home, even if it is just while he is drinking. Things YOU can do.

If you are going to make any ultimatiums, mean them. Say them one time to him, or write it in a letter. Then be prepared to never say it again. It has to be actions, not words. When I set an ultimatium of things in my head and stopped voicing them as a threat over and over, then I knew that I really did mean it. Sure enough, I stuck to it too. Alcoholics are like naughty children. If you don't stick to what you say, they will abuse that every time. Next thing you know, your line in the sand keeps getting pushed back further and further.

As someone else said, the DV people are wonderful. Don't assume they will call the police and cause a rucus. They are there just to advise and guide you, and give you options in your area. No one has to know you ever spoke with them.

I hope you find some peace today.

Tight Hugs.

dandylion

dreamingkitty..as has been pointed out....is it a viable option for HIM to leave if things become unacceptable? There are things you might need to know--if this is the case. You may need to know what y our legal rights are--or how to go about it, exactly.
The dv center will also know about these procedures--or can refer to directly to the source for this information.

dandylion

dreamingkitty

So I guess I didn't speak to a DV counslor when I had my husband arrested a few years ago for DV. It was a victim advocate at the court house. I will say she was not helpful or nice at all. I did google and call a DV center and spoke to a woman and they want me to make an appointment to come in and just talk. Little scary but the woman was nice and spoke to me a bit about new laws going into place in Janauary and short term saftey plans. So that helped a lot with my fears. At the moment my grandson, who is terminally ill, has taken a turn and is back in the hospital. I am feeling completely overwhelmed with everything.

LexieCat

I'm so sorry about your grandson. I'm sure you do feel very overwhelmed! Try to focus on today, just what you need to do for today.

I'm VERY glad to hear you made an appointment with a counselor. It really can help to have a plan in place.

Sorry to hear you had a less-than-helpful experience with the advocate at the courthouse. I think talking to someone in a quieter setting with someone who isn't trying to juggle a lot of people at once will be much more useful to you.

Hugs, will keep you and your family (especially your grandson) in my thoughts and prayers.

CodeJob

Dreaming Kitty, prayers and e-hugs to you and your grandson.

I'm glad you called into a DV center and talked to someone nice! Your first experience didn't really sound like a DV interaction and I'm glad you persevered. I hope you will be able to keep the appointment.

With everything going on, just break everything down into small steps. First a short term safety plan, then small steps as needed on other issues.

shil2587

I think you handled it very well. You didn't try to stop him drinking.
You voiced your concern of how it was affecting you again without telling him to stop.
You didn't get into an argument when he was unreasonable.
You spoke with your therapist to get advice.
You are looking at your boundaries to make sure they protect you and yours

That's a lot of good things on your part. Now it's going to about enforcing your boundaries and getting safe and away from him if you need to.

I wouldn't beat yourself up, sounds like you've got this!

hopeful4

I am very sorry to hear about your grandson. I cannot even imagine the stress.

I am so glad you reached out to the DV. The thing is, they are there, they will help you. Even if you don't implement what they say or need to go forward with a plan, it's good to know your options and to have that help. And to have a support system, a big wide one.

Tight hugs, we are here with you.