Timetoheal12

When I was on my first months post break up with my exA I felt very, very low.
I still question myself about if he ever loved me or not and well, it's been a while.

So I was "googling" some stuff and I found this: Help! I Still Love My Abuser!

To me, what is wrote in there rings true at so many levels.

Also, I have found that I obsess a lot abut him/what he's doing/who he is with.

It's uncomfortable to me to admit it, cause it makes me feel like a "sick" person. But it is what it is.


However... I've been having really great days... The more I read and the more I do with my life (I have been eating better - because I've lost some weight after the break up, and I was already skinny, so I have to gain some physical strength as well - I have been exercising, playing music, making plans with friends)....

Yet I still feel like maybe I wasn't good enough for him, like if I only have done something differently, like maybe because I was a bad person and I deserved it....


So... All I have to say is that it is good to come in here and feel understood. Thanks for everything so far

weezer77

I am in the same place you are currently. I have begun counseling and read a lot. I read to have some kind of understanding of myself and the crazy I lived in. I first started NO CONTACT with my XAH and gave in to my weakness...I wish I wouldn't have. But all I can do is move forward now. I find running and working out help a bunch. Keep posting for support, it has helped me as well. Hang in there.

Timetoheal12

Thank you weezer77, I truly appreciate your words and support.
How many time have you been in counseling? What have you been reading? I've been reading the book "women who love too much"..

I wasn't married to that person, but it still feels like I went trough many times that I would like to understand/address and let go of.

FlippedRHalo

I feel your pain Timetoheal - although he and I were engaged and planning a wedding, and I know without a doubt that he loved me as much as I loved him, the alcohol and his addiction was too powerful. I sit here not understanding, although I understand the dynamics of addiction, how he could possibly choose the life he's choosing over the life he and I had together. We treated each other wonderfully, we shared everything and we were truly best friends. But, and here's the but... he couldn't, or wouldn't, stop drinking. I thought I was more powerful, and I trusted, for a long time, that my love for him was more powerful, and eventually with enough time he'd see that our life together wasn't worth destroying to continue drinking, but in the end, it wasn't. I worked so hard. I tried so hard. I accepted things I never should have and continued to try to prove to him that we were more important than alcohol. It got me nowhere except exhausted, confused and very brokenhearted. I finally gave him the option of getting help and staying together, in which I promised to stand by his side through it all, or continue drinking and breaking up. He left. It's still so hard to come to terms with that. So, so hard.

I still fight myself and tell myself that I should have done more. That I could have done more. Maybe if I was more understanding and didn't get upset the times that I did. Maybe if I gave him more time. But no... I was understanding, I did all I could and I gave it plenty of time. None of that would have changed the outcome. The only thing that would have possibly changed the outcome would have been me resigning to living as the wife of an alcoholic and I knew deep in my heart that I just couldn't do that. It would have been a life of hell. Watching the person you absolutely adore slowly kill themselves is something that I don't have the stomach or heart for. If he was going to do it, and he was (and is), I couldn't watch it. While it literally destroys me at times that we're over, in a way it makes it easier because I don't have to see it anymore. I know it's happening, but I'm not sitting and watching it and aching with the pain of seeing it. There is still a ton of pain, brutal, excruciating pain, but it's a different pain.
And, there are moments of peace now where there were none while we were together. We had wonderful times and there were times when I was happier than ever before, but those times were always felt with the worry of knowing it was only a matter of time before it would come crashing down again with the next bout of drinking.

Please hang in there.... and please believe me when I tell you that it isn't you. It's them. It's the addiction. And it's more powerful than we are, no matter how much we try to convince ourselves otherwise. That is something I think many of us struggle with accepting, but we have to accept it because it's true.

I'm so sorry you're going through this too. It's a pain that a human heart shouldn't have to feel. Hugs.

weezer77

I have been going to counseling on and off for about 4 years. I love when I go. I am going now and have been going since July. I go about once a week or so. I use my close friends as a place to vent in between and I read online a lot. I have a daily scripture app that I use to lead in a better direction daily and I research read about alcoholism, narcissism, co-dependency, abuse etc because the more I know, the easier it is for me to understand and see the big picture. I too was not officially married to him but we lived together for almost 10 years and have two children together. He doesn't and refuses to pay child support. He says he didn't want kids, I did, so I should pay for them. LOL. He is crazy. I am currently in the process of getting my temporary orders in place and getting some child support. Right now, I am doing this all on my own. He does whatever he wants and it's wrong. I like the way I feel when he is not bothering me and I am not bothering him. It's much more relaxing. I have to identify for me, why I allow myself to overlook things that I deserve. Most of the time it's because I want to be loved, valued and wanted so badly that I will become a doormat to keep it happening. So, for me, I am done with that S*%#@! Be in touch and I know for both of us, things will get better.

Timetoheal12

I believe I didn't had it as hard as many people in here. I got away too early... We were together for only a year, and even when it was hard for me to understand the reasons behind his behavior, I never accepted many of the things he did. Maybe that is why he claimed that "I'm too complicated for him".

I don't think that asking for honesty, love and respect is complicated at all. However, the day I broke up with him he managed to make me feel like I was ill and that was the reason why I was leaving him behind... And this combined with the fact that he was my first love made me search for all the "if's", all the mistakes I had, all the things I could have done better.

Thank you so much for sharing this with me FlippedRHalo, you truly are a strong person and you definitely deserve a much better kind of love. Hugs for you too.

Timetoheal12

I guess it is true that we can't expect this type of people to be respectful with us, or with any other person, if they don't give a damn about themselves.
(And even when we know this, it is sad, it is very sad and very hard to watch them self-destruct).

No one should be a doormat in order to get "love"... the only thing we get by doing so is abuse. I wonder if they know this and that is why they "stick" to us?... But I do know that we must get stronger.

I hope that things get better for you and your kids, thanks for your support.

Argnotthisagain

Thanks for this post. I'm a hanger on-er too. He's been out of my life for a while. I'm working on myself, expanding my life and making great strides. Doing all the right things.

Sometimes it's hard though, and I miss the good times and the fantasy I had of who he was.

It's lonely sometimes, even though I'm doing good so much more of the time. It's hard too because I'm feeling old now. Fearful that my chances are over, wasted my last opportunity on that disaster.

I always feel a little less idiotic when I see I'm not the only one that holds on too long.

P.S. I gotta work on the next weak spot I've got: reaching out, getting involved, meeting more people.

FlippedRHalo

You're never too old and although it feels like time wasted, it wasn't. It was a lesson that you'll probably never forget, and hopefully will never allow yourself to repeat.

My aunt was married to my alcoholic uncle since she was 18. At 51, she left him. At 56, she met a wonderful man, whom she's now married to and is treated like the most important woman in the world. They've been married for about 5 years now and honestly, the two of them are so in love that it's a little sickening, lol.

Always have faith - it is never, ever too late to be happy.

At this point, I'd rather be alone, happy, anxiety and heartbreak free than in a bad relationship. I'll just get more kitties if that's what my future holds. Oh, and a beautiful log cabin somewhere!

FlippedRHalo

And PS - I think most of us in this group are, or were at some point, guilty of holding on a little too long.

In bad circumstance, maybe it's considered a fault -- I like to look at it like we're overly optimistic. We just need to be sure we're using that for good things from now on.

Argnotthisagain

Thanks, Flipped.
Yep, as hard as it is when having no family feels sad, it's better than being isolated with a frikken raging drunk!!! At least I've got my Shrimpy doggy, a great job I love (even though I hurt my shoulder and I'm out on disability for a bit), a great therapist, sweet house and a few friends. and working on reaching out more....

Anyway.....I think we hold on because it's so scary to let go. Well, in my case anyway. Scary for a variety of reasons...one common one being our attachment needs that got bolluxed up when we were little, for many of us, anyway.

I've been desperate for affection since .....forever!

Argnotthisagain

TimetoHeal....thanks!!! That's a terrific article you linked!

FlippedRHalo

Well, I think you just blasted that nail square on the head. I know that's exactly it with me. I was never good enough as a child, never had an ounce of affection from either alcoholic parent and was pretty much just one gigantic inconvenience to both of them and their drinking. I remember being left home, completely alone at 6 years old well into the night. I remember waking up alone as a small child in an enormous old colonial house that scared the hell out of me. To this day I'm still terrified to be in a house alone at night -- hence the reason I've always owned a large guard breed dog since I had my very first apartment. The only thing that saved me was that we owned a Doberman and I would literally make her go everywhere with me - downstairs, upstairs, to the bathroom, you name it and she had to be on my heels or I was frozen with terror. I shouldn't have been scared though, because ya know, they were just the next street over at the bar....sigh. I could NEVER imagine doing that to my daughter - she's 5 and I won't go out to the car in the driveway without letting her know. My biggest fear is her thinking she's been abandoned - hmm. Come to think of it, my biggest fear is of being abandoned - guess I just answered the reason why I hang on too long. Wow, that was a bit of a breakthrough right there I think.

Timetoheal12

With this kind of guys maybe it is a mistake.
With someone who will love and respect us, I don't think it would be a bad choice at all.

This reminds me of a quote... it was something like this: "the problem it's not the intensity of your love, but the quality of the people you are choosing to love".

We believed in their best qualities, and that is why we stayed...

Timetoheal12

No, thanks to you for being kind and open about your feelings