Soberintexas007

Well, my husband came home a bit stressed out tonight. And boy was it nice that he is not drinking. If he was drinking, I could just foresee one of those nights in which he got angry and difficult to be around. And then I reminded myself, "Hey, you have nothing to worry about. He is not drinking and he knows I don't want him drinking around me." Sure enough, everything was fine and went well. We had dinner and watched a movie without anything crazy happening. It was such a refreshing, new, cool experience. I felt safe and protected because of my no drinking boundary tonight. I had nothing to worry about. Furthermore, if he did happen to get a bit angry, I would have been able to point out his unreasonableness and how it was affecting me, and because he was not drinking, I am certain he would have been able to process the comment and understand it. If he was drinking, he would not have been able to process it.

Furthermore, I asked my husband tonight if and what he liked about my sobriety (since he is reluctant to want to discuss his sobriety from alcohol).

He could have answered that he did not like my sobriety, which would have been depressing.

Instead, he said that he liked my sobriety. And I asked him what he liked about it. He said that it takes care of us both.

And he is exactly right. I know that if I was drinking, our lives and relationship would deteriorate very quickly.

But I thought that was sweet. If he can see the value in my sobriety, he just may come to value his own path of sobriety more.

amy55

OK, I was trying to be impartial here. Maybe it is me. You were asking him, he didn't just say something. You were looking for an answer, he gave you one. "HE SAID IT TAKES CARE OF BOTH OF US". Maybe I should have walked around the block first. To me, that sounds like him blaming you for the fights when you were both "high".

Soberintexas007

I interpreted it differently, and what I really truly believe he was saying is that my sobriety is helping and protecting our relationship. In the article I posted last night, it stated that a partner's own sobriety and self-care can have a positive influence and affect on their using partner.

Eddiebuckle

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Your sobriety does take care of the two of you, as does his.

happybeingme

While its possible your own sobriiety could be a good influence on your husband, I wonder what if anything you are doing for self care? It appears to me that you have switched your alcohol obsession to an obsession over your husband, and his alcohol abstinence, pot smoking, and anger. Self care has nothing to do with him. What are you doing to clean and maintain your side of the street?

LexieCat

It's certainly better than his belittling it, but I'm not sure I would put much stock in what he says as an indicator of where he's at, personally.

I'm glad you had a peaceful evening.

WMJ1012

Sobriety is a journey.
It begins when we enter the 12 Steps.
There I learn to allow a loving God to validate me via the choices I make.
Best wishes
Enjoy the day

kudzujean

He's an adult, right?

Seren

Perhaps if he sees you enjoying your own life, living it to the fullest without alcohol, and becoming the person you want to be, then he will be 'attracted' into sobriety. That's what AA is about, right? "A program of attraction."?

Florence

I agree with all this, and there is value in it. But I also know from experience that my sobriety and responsibility meant that when my XAH wanted to take off on a bender, he could do so and not leave us in the lurch because reliable old Florence would be around to pick up the pieces, pay all the bills, and take on extra work when he otherwise dropped the slack.

In my exprience, sometimes being the strong, tall oak in the relationship is a burden. Relationships are a partnership, and I got real tired of always being the life preserver in other people's emergencies.

Tamerua

I agree with this. Are you still going to meetings and talking to your sponsor? Reaching out to others in the program? Making sure you are taking care of you.

redatlanta

Positive influence would be that he also gets on the bandwagon of sobriety so that you aren't the only one taking care of the both of you. Im glad he isn't drinking, but with the revelations of his intent to drink on vacation I don't consider him sober merely abstaining.

freetosmile

I will respectfully disagree and although I am very happy for your night of peace and calm. It sounded to me like he was implying that you sobriety takes care of both of you, therefore he will leave the worrying about sobriety to you and he will continue to not discuss his and not work any program. Sounded to me like he just put it right back on you and now you will be worrying even more about him.

Just my two cents.

glad you had a good night

hopeful4

You can overanalyze it to death, which won't help. I am just glad you had a nice evening.

XXX

freetosmile

That is very true. A peaceful evening is worth it's weight in gold

Carlotta

Exactly what Tamerua says. Make sure you keep working your program and reaching out for help with your own alcoholism. I know he is keeping you very busy but all that energy you are spending on him could be used on you.

I have walked in your shoes and I do understand how you feel. My first time around in recovery my XABF was in and out of rehab, detoxes etc. I went through a roller coaster of hope, disappointment and despair. Doing my first step when it came to my own alcoholism was a breeze...yep I was powerless over alcohol (no brainer there). What took forever for me was doing that first step in relationship to his alcoholism.
Ultimately I had to chose my own personal safety. He never achieved long term sobriety and I heard that he died from alcoholism a few months ago.
For some crazy reason, while I had no problem admitting defeat for myself and turning it over I still though I could manage, control and be someone else's higher power. I really never did any quacking as an alcoholic but I sure could quack like crazy as a codie LOL
This ultimately all came crashing down when his drinking and abuse escalated to a point of no return.
I do understand how you feel, that is what brought me to Al Anon 14 years ago. I think that you staying sober is already amazing.

I see you get very defensive on some threads (no judgement, been there done that) and I just wanted you to know that it is not that we are picking on you on the F&F side.
Quite a few of us here are also double winners and know how tough it is to be raw in early sobriety AND deal with our loved ones' alcoholic bs.
I think most of us are concerned about you because of him being abusive when he drinks and threatening to snap you neck. He is not just the run of the mill drunk peeing in bed, quacking and forgetting to pay the phone bill: this is DV and you could be in a very dangerous situation when he picks up again.
Anyway, I hope you will keep on working on your own recovery from alcoholism and keep coming back here. You are not being picked on, F&F members are just trying to take the blinders off out of concern for your safety and you can bet we will all have your back if something bad happens.

BlueChair

I think his words are true. One of the first things we learn when studying Craft - community reinforcement and family training is " helping ourselves helps our loved one", and exactly like in the article u posted from psych today, we cant change our loved ones, but we have the awesome power to influence them based on our relationship. In Craft we learn all about internal and external motivations and how they work. It sounds like your taking care of yourself, dealing better with your thoughts and feelings, responding to him differently, and he feels it. Sounds like your also seeing better communication between u, and its making your home life improved. I say way to go!

jarp

My codie self also would have liked that statement.....

Fandy

I respectfully disagree.
Your husband is stoned on pot 24/7...he smokes all day and all night to keep calm.

You could have told him the MOON is made of Brie Cheese and he would have agreed with you and asked you for crackers and a knife.

He is looking forward to the cruise, the holidays and having drinks...you hold all the cards, he will tell you ANYTHING you want to hear.

If he had been really sober and brought this up himself, it would have had meaning, maybe . Right now it looks like you are fishing for compliments and continuing to justify what you are doing which is control what you cannot.

Stung

I'm glad you did have a peaceful evening with your husband even though he was having a rough time.

I also do agree that positive changes in us can influence our partners decisions but I don't think you can prompt and manipulate those influences out of your husband. You prompted him to answer a question and decided that his answer was good enough for you. And like others have said, he's communicated to you that he is planning on drinking again.

It has been my experience that when I committed to and communicated clear and firm boundaries with my husband and then stuck to them that I saw a different response from my husband. Lovingly communicating that he was drinking and I did not feel safe near him and therefore would not be around him resulted in a peaceful parting rather than a drama filled shouting-fest. Slow changes in my behavior have resulted in changes in his responses towards me. I think it's important to note though I'm making those changes solely for MY benefit, the fact that it may have caused some position change/influence in his reaction to my new behaviors is just an added bonus. If things are changing for the better for either of you, you'll see the change in actions rather than words.