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Old 12-09-2014, 02:33 PM
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Need to vent

I've had no contact now with him for nearly 5 weeks (Thursday) and I've slowly began to feel stronger, actually ive been feeling a lot of anger towards him and myself. I go the the point the other day where I couldn't care less what he says, about the whys and the how's I realised it just is and no answer or explanation or reading and understanding will ever make anything he has done or not done ok and I'd had enough of the questions and trying to find answers especially ones I could accept!

It just is, he chose to leave, he chose to continue drinking rather than seek help and fight for what he supposedly wanted and couldn't live without but the truth of the matter is he did fight all these years for what he couldn't live without alcohol and when me his enabler, wouldn't put up with it anymore he left, drink is more important than his wife and kids and had I not been so determined in my resolve for him to seek help he may still be here and we would continue the cycle!!

I am angry with myself that I begged and pleaded with him for 8 months to come home to get help that I would always be there for him, fool!! I am angry that he had so little respect for me that he told me he was leaving during a phone call has refused to sit down and talk honestly, one day he feels one thing the next something else, that he told me via text that he doesn't love me and wants a divorce, then tries the woe is me with the il probably regret this decision for the rest of my life I've lost everything my best friend, my wife the love of my life but it's best for me if he divorces me as I need to move on and stop wasting my time on a loser like him! I've realised yes I do need to stop wasting my time on him, he's a coward not even man or adult enough to talk to me face to face!!! And yes if I'm honest how he has handled this has hurt me deeply and I know I haven't handled it the best either!!

Yet he tells DD that he loves me after telling me doesn't yip I completed overreacted and cried for the first time in days although the tears had been bubbling up all day. I immediately went into he does love me there's hope I should contact him see if it's true blah blah blah and I say blah blah because the nonsense I was telling myself isn't worth writing! I didn't contact him.

Now I'm feeling furious again how dare he try to manipulate my DD how dare he fill her head with the same crap he filled mine with! He doesn't love me, he doesn't know how to love and if how he has treated me over our 18 years together is love i am glad to be out of it I don't want someone to 'love' me that way!!

Sorry for the long post but this has been building for a while now and I needed to get it out and feel like I was heard. Thank you
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Old 12-09-2014, 02:54 PM
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I strongly recommend Alanon. You're still hanging on to a dead relationship with someone who isn't capable of having a relationship. Alanon was enormous support and I learned to look at my codependency. Good luck.
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Old 12-09-2014, 03:08 PM
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thanks nyc, Alanon meetings are to far for me to travel to. I don't feel I am hanging onto a dead relationship I actually feel as though I am working through a lot of things that I have buried for so long and for the first time I am feeling anger I am not searching for answers to explain the whys and how's I don't care at this minute and time, what has happened has happened and I can't change it but I can change my response to it.

For the first time I am trying and learning to control my responses and I think it is very normal to feel anger for everything he has put me and my kids through and how he continues to try and manipulate my DD by playing with her head as he did mine, which of course I let him.

Yes I am still grieving and yes it has been a slow process for me but I do feel I am moving forward and starting to recognise what the relationship was, what my feelings and emotions are because I never considered them before it was always about him and making sure he was ok and riding out the storm until a period of calm settled for a sort time.
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Old 12-09-2014, 03:22 PM
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ok....first, what would you rather have him say to your DD:

1) I HATE THAT F'ING BTCH YOU CALL A MOTHER
or
2) I still love your mom and always will

second, why are you and your DD discussing the intricasies of your marriage? why is she reporting to YOU on what HE said? poor thing sounds like a go between.
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Old 12-09-2014, 03:27 PM
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She is not a go between she came back from seeing him and told me what he had said. She hadn't seen him in about a month and she told me he's really depressed and he loves you!! my daughter and I talk she is 20 years old but she does not know the every single detail of my marriage
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Old 12-09-2014, 04:57 PM
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Butterfly....good on feeling the anger. Let it roll! For you, my dear....I think this is good progress.

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Old 12-09-2014, 10:23 PM
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Your kids are old enough now to have their own individual relationship with him or not if they choose to.

If he is trying to "triangulate" them into your relationship dynamic,
perhaps you should tell the kids to make their own Xmas arrangement with him should they want to and that he is not welcome in your home at any time.
Go full on No Contact and mean it. Give yourself at least a good six months "off" from dealing with him in any way, shape, or form either directly or indirectly.

Make sure he gets a calender of any school-related events for your kids, and do not interact with him about it.
He can choose to participate or not, but as as grown up he can figure it out himself.
I would also consider proceeding with the divorce and have contact with him only through lawyers in the future.
He hasn't earned the right to all of the real estate he still has in your head. Time to evict his drunken arse.

Use the anger, which I agree along with dandylion is healthy.
This limbo you've been living in of separate-but-married so he can drink and still have a possible landing pad really needs to stop.
For whatever reason, intentional or just selfish drunkeness, he continues to use and manipulate your vulnerable emotions.
Time to put a final stop to that and put Butterfly front and center.
This is no way to keep living and you do deserve more.
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Old 12-09-2014, 10:38 PM
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Butterfly,

I think you have gotten to the point that I can talk to you like this.

My ex wanted to play and be the victim. I think that's what yours is doing. During the divorce and after the divorce he would, oh so disgustingly sickly tell the kids how much he loved me. We had to sell our house. It sold before the divorce. I was too afraid to go to the house to get any of the furniture, or anything else. Oh, what a good victim he played. He cried, and he asked my daughter if she could store the stuff from the house for me in her garage. Oh poor him, pour him another drink.

After the divorce I bought a house. It was a foreclosure, so I got it cheap. I sent him an email to ask if he would give me any of the furniture from the house, so I could have some furniture. (Note: he did not keep any of the furniture because he didn't need it, he moved in with his gf.) My reply to the email I sent, was to tell me that none of the furniture was mine, he destroyed all of the furniture. It didn't exist anymore. He even did worse then that. He had turned my kids away from me. He was so good at playing the victim.

I see your H doing the same thing.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
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Old 12-10-2014, 12:23 AM
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Thanks dandylion.

Hawkeye someone said about him trying triangulation in another post and I had never heard of it I don't know if this is what he's doing now but he was with the comment to her about he didn't know if he was allowed to come here for Christmas, getting her to be the go between and becoming the victim.

I am trying to have nothing to do with him directly or indirectly but it's hard when the kids tell me things but as for everything else I want no contact with him in any shape or form. The past few weeks have allowed me to focus on myself and feel things I haven't felt as I buried them so deep and although it's hard and scary dealing with them it's good to bring them to the surface, they don't become so scary and I need to focus on me!!

I can't afford to initiate divorce proceedings but as he has informed me he is divorcing me so I am waiting for the papers to arrive although this also leaves me in limbo I just recognised as I haven't heard anything yet. I think I will make a few appointments and discuss my options with a solicitor.

Amy, Iam sorry what your ex done and I really hope that is not what mine is trying to do
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Old 12-10-2014, 03:16 AM
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Butterfly, it sounds like you are going through the stages of grief which are all normal and healthy. Your anger will slowly turn into acceptance. You sound like you are accepting him as he just is how he is. You realize there is nothing you can do to change him and you are feeling stronger. It's all a process and I think you are getting there. It takes time. Keep up with the no contact and stay strong.
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Old 12-10-2014, 03:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Butterfly View Post
Yes I am still grieving and yes it has been a slow process for me but I do feel I am moving forward and starting to recognise what the relationship was
I think most people who have followed your story would agree B. I've noticed you gain strength and perspective from periods of NC, but are still vulnerable when he tries to manipulate you.

Your daughter is old enough now for you to ask her not to pass on any messages or details of her conversations with him that concern you. Tell her you are detaching much better now, but the 'messages' still upset you. I'm sure she'll understand, and hopefully get how he's manipulating her and you.
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Old 12-10-2014, 04:04 AM
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Butterfly....you might also explain to you daughter that "love", alone, is not enough when a person is not capable of properly showing it with their actions. (I'm not saying to get in to long diatribes).

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Old 12-10-2014, 01:54 PM
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"I am angry with myself that I begged and pleaded with him for 8 months to come home to get help that I would always be there for him, fool!! "

I TOLD YOU!! I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!

You are making great progress! Remember I shared my story and said that I knew you would get to this point where you would start to wonder "wtf was I DOING" That feeling may come and go but at some point it will come and stay.
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Old 12-10-2014, 02:57 PM
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Thank you suncatcher and feelinggreat I am determined to maintain the NC as I do feel stronger.

Thank you dandylion I had been thinking about this all day and how best to approach it do I let it be or talk to her. I decided to talk to her about her ex boyfriend who although claimed to love her hurt her repeatedly. We talked about him and whether she felt he loved her I also spoke to her about how easy it is to say 3 little words like I love you but more difficult to show it esp when we become involved with those who say the words but continue to hurt us, words are meaningless actions will show you how much someone loves you and how important they are to you. I said to her to think about the saying don't tell me you love me, show me.

We left it like that without mentioning her dad!! Great minds dandylion eh lol.

Meggem lol yes you did tell me I'm trying not to be to hard on myself I did what I did and I'm working on why and to make sure I don't respond that way again. My mind does wander and I still become upset at times but it is not as frequent or for as long still isolating myself at times and currently avoiding the. Heist as party season, not feeling up to the Christmas cheer or putting on a brave face except for my kids. I guess I just have to ride the storm until It begins to calm
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