serenity777

Hi all,
I was wondering if anyone has anything on grief. Letting Go. Live and let live. My AB left my house sat. night at 2:30am, because I ask him to. He wasnt to happy about it. I called him sunday...he didnt return my phone call. Monday night I woke at 3am and had this awful nightmare, about him of course. So I called him. I have never had dreams so intense, so painful, so real. Until I got sober. Can anyone relate to dreams like that. Anyway in the 6 yrs we have been together. He ALWAYS answers his phone or gets back to me. This is a different mo for him. I keep telling myself, this is a good thing. And I keep asking God to take away my desire for him and also to keep the truth about him on my heart.
For 2 yrs that I have lived on my own I have tried soooo hard to get him out of my head heart life...but end up back with him after about 2 weeks. And then I beat myself up for being so weak. In dec. I went to a place for a week...because I was depressed I hated myself for not being strong enough. A counselor there told me....If you cant get him out of your head, dont think of it as a negative thing, think of it as a positive thing, Your mind is trying to process something, You can let it......And that statement has been on my mind lately, Maybe these past 2 yrs I have been trying to push him out of my head, heart, Maybe I need to understand something? About myself, past etc. In all this?????? Anyone understand? thanks,,,,for being here...!
Serenity777.......Trust the Process???

bookworm

There's a great link below about detachment - I hope it helps you.

http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

HugZ to you ((((serenity))))
Sandra

journey1

I've been there many times during my ten year marriage. I cried in my bed day after day to god asking him to get rid of this evil man. Finally I was so exhausted from his drinking and drugs I kicked him out. For the first few days and weeks it was the hardest thing ever. I cried and cried and wanted to call him up and ask him to come home and after the first month I did we talked for hours and then I stopped and said what am I doing? It was right in the middle of our conversation when he started lying to me and that moment brought back so many lies that I lived with. but I kept reminding myself about how he is and I asked myself do I want to live like this for the rest of my life? Then I went to Alanon and read a lot of books on codependancy, alcoholism and the effects on the family, conjugal violence.... The more I educated myself the easier it got. Now its been 5 months and there are times when I lay in bed crying wanting to call him and ask him to come home. But those are just feelings I have to ask myself "what makes sense for me" then I am ok. Because it was only my dream I was living, a dream of the house, family, husband, vacations... we had all this but everything always got ruined by his alcoholism. And I have a 20month old baby with this man so on his visiting days this is when its most hard because I have to see him and he brings his new truck and girlfriend and always has new clothes on. It hurts. It seems like he is doing ok and all is well and I think 'did he change?' 'is he being nice to this new girl?' but you know what he doesn't have recovery and hasn't seeked any kind of help so he is still the same guy I was married to and soon enough he'll treat his new girl the way he treated me. But everyday this man is on my mind, sometimes good thoughts other times bad. But as the days pass I keep getting stronger and it gets easier. And one day I will dream again and as long as I don't go and find another alcoholic my dream will be a healthy one. And even if I don't find a man I am realizing how nice it is to be single and free.

serenity777

hi,
thanks bookworm for that site. I checked it out ..part on boundaries sounds like a good start for me.
thanks journey1 for sharing your story...because sometimes I feel so alone in this struggle.

I think the reason I get depressed about this situation...is because I feel beat down by it...HOPELESS...because I feel like I tried everything...and can't find an ANSWER.THAT WORKS..!!!! You both have given me some hope, a start...THANKS AGAIN.

For 2 yrs I tried either cutting him out of my life completely or trying to make it work....Lately I'm feeling there is something unreal about either. Last week I read something on one of these post.."finding the peace to live or see...A OR finding the strength to leave." something like that..........so, what I was trying to do for 2 yrs was one or the other.....now, I think what I need to do....is slow down, live just for today, and not make a decision one way or the other.......UNTIL....I work through some stuff in me.....EASY DOES IT? I seem to have always had this idea in my head to quick do the RIGHT thing....or you wont be excepted..by God, friends, etc. So im thinking just for today,,,,i dont have to have the PERFECT ANSWER...! thats seems to be what I getting out of the posts here......that thought does bring peace......hurray.....bye for now, serenity777

cwohio

bookworm - great link. I read thru detachment and clicked on some of the links within - ggod stuff and like it said at the end - if you don't get it, go back to step 1!

thx!!!!!!! cwohio

serenity777

hi all,
this is a part from the link above:

Steps to establishing healthy boundaries

Step 1: In order to motivate yourself to establish healthy boundaries in your life, you first need to do a self-assessment if any symptoms of ignored or violated boundaries exist in your life. In your journal, record which of the following symptoms exist for you. For each symptom identified, detail what was the stimulus in your past for this behavior. Also detail how this symptom affects your current life. Lastly, describe how you feel about this symptom's affect on your life.

this is good stuff...looks like a lot of work though...LOL All this stuff about boundaries....geeezzzz...there are a few other people stepping over....and codependent towards me...hmmmm? My mom, a friend, kids,,,,,,,! I feel stronger and freer already just thinking about setting them...LOL.! About a week ago, I set some boundaries with a friend...thats been interesting...trying with my younger kids...and my mom well,,,trying that too....with the AB....well, there is 2 i havent set, because I was afraid he would never speak to me...but oh well, I need to do this for me for my peace...!

chess

Hello serenity777,

Good to hear that I'm not the only one this has happened to. I wish I had something enlighning to tell but I'm still in the process of figuring this out myself. Sadly I don't think there is a magic trick to help us with this. Instead it's a long and overdue process of getting to know ourselves and our own hopes and needs and learning how to fulfill them ourselves.

You can read my story in the earlier posts if you like but to cut it short. I left my A 4 years ago after he tried to beat me up. I had really hard time getting over him and cried and slept a lot and went to counseling.

This year our paths crossed again and he told me that he's been sober for a year. Not being familiar with the AA side of things I of course just believed him and started seeing him again and had 2 fun months while he has sober every time I saw him. Then he started hanging at bars again with his old friends and started up with lies again and the first time he started yelling at me while drunk I left. Luckily that's when I found this site. And got wise on the lies and "just one drink" stuff and so on. He hasn't done any counselling nor does he think he has a problem. I know I cant live with an alcoholic anymore.

I did learn some stuff about myself I need to work on so I'm thankful for that. Still I wish he could start his recovery today and get back to me Every time I miss him I remind myself that the pain of being lied to or the breaking of promises and total disregard to my needs hurt a lot more than the longing so I stay away but its still a struggle at times.

I have learned that the only thing that helps is concertrating on me and doing things that I like and setting goals that I can reach and going after them are the only things that I can do and those help. Coming here and venting or asking for and getting support helps too and talking to friends. I don't like the fact that I'm a codie and put someone elses needs before my own, especially when that someone mistreats me. It's really powering to practise putting your own needs first and to even figure out what they are. Talking with friends you trust helps.

So you are not the only one with this problem. Just practise focusing on your own needs and recognizing them and then work on fulfilling them. After a while you feel a lot stronger and think of him a lot less.

Also you might wanna write down the bad stuff and then read them when you start missing him again.

Start a new hobby or read a book. Anything to get your mind of what you think you can't have and the circle way of thinking. Oh and saying thanks each night and morning for what you are thankful for helps too

You could try writing out a list of what you think you are missing 'cos you are not with him and then write a list of what you were missing when you were with him. You can add what you now have to that list too.

Hope that helps. Hang in there. You are not alone.

chess

Also you could try doing some mirror work. Every time I come by a mirror I say to myself that I love you and that quarantees to bring a smile to my face. That helped me a lot with accepting myself and getting my self esteem up again. At first I did cry a lot when I started doing this excercise.

Learning how to do deep breathing helps too. When you find yourself getting upset just start concertrating on your breathing and take deep breaths and the feeling will loosen its grip on you.

serenity777

hi chess,
Thanks for taking the time to share your story. It does help to be here and know We Are In This Together.
It really baffles my mind in a way...that we miss these A's. I know its has to do with Loving Ourselves. This is what a normal day is like for me....Morning...they are tuff...I pray...maybe talk to a close friend of mine in AA...(we are kinda in the same boat)....then as I drive to work...I start to feel good about Me....the freedom and strength I feel is wonderful...when I think of all I been through and the progress I've made...So, I work...good and bad feelings come and go...drive home....feel the freedom again....come home to my 2 younger kids....(now, if you read my other posts you'll find out we have court on Aug 10th...simply assualt charges are against their father for abusing them....thats not the A im with now...but my 2nd ex) So, I'm learning to be a mom to them...is interesting, hard at times, but also working...AA has taught me so much...I find myself...saying things to them I learned in AA....It Works!) I have accepted that this will be along process teaching them a new way to relate as a family...because with their father all they have seen is yelling....One Day At Time...ok, that I can handle...stay in the moment...be where my feet are..................! So, anyway, when I start to miss, my AB....and the pain and fear starts....I say...ok, these are just feelings...BUT the facts are...God still luvs me, He knows what he is doing, He is still in control...He loves my A, my children, etc......and understands them better than I do...and knows just what they need..........whew................LOL....!
I'm just weary from trying to keep it together....but Acceptance is the key to all my troubles....! One thing, the best thing that is happening through all this is......My walk with God...I spend so much time alone with God....and am coming to know him in an intimate way...! Sometimes I look back on my day and think Wow, you made it through another day...and I wonder How that happened...LOL It truly amazes me!!!
Serenity777

Sad_Hazeleyes

Thank you for this wonderful link. I think my next homework assignment will be on fantasy relationship and detachment.

Prayer... Please God open my eyes and let me rationalize this information provided to me. Give me strength to answer all the questions honestly to the best of my abilities without any denial. Amen

I think I am going to run copies and take it to my therapist. Maybe he will be able to help me with the denial part too.

Sad_Hazeleyes

Sad_Hazeleyes

((((Serenity))))

My situation is a little different from yours, but boy can I relate to the grief and pain that you are experiencing. If you would like to share experiences, you can e-mail me or we can chat.

Do take care of yourself and take one day at a time. That is what everyone else has been telling me. I am trying hard to do that. I am also going to do some homework from that link that Bookworm provided.

Sad_hazeleyes