viola71

This is my first time posting but I have been reading for months in the shadows. I have been married for 18years to a man I have known since I was 17. We dated and broke up multiple times over the years for a variety of issues mostly my fear of intimacy but never because of alcohol. I always thought that the drinking in college was just what everyone in college did. We then got married had a child within that first year of marriage and moved 12 hours from our families. Thats when the lying started. It only happened a few times in the beginning, how much he had, where he had had it etc. Then after a weekend trip with the boys he came home late as we had another commitment 2 hours away and drove myself and our two children to the next state at 90 mph. I finally figured out he was still drunk from the night before. We have danced the I can stop whenever I want ,which he can but it only lasts for 30 days, for so many years. When he's good he's great and when he's not I am devastated. My husband is incredibly successful at work no one would expect a drinking problem but when he starts he can't stop. For years I have thought why am I driving him to drink but with the help of 2 years of therapy I know those are my own demons and the alcohol is his. The climax of the year was last Nov he was in a car accident with our 16yr old son. I came to find them and the police officer told me it was obvious my husband had been drinking but didn't write him a ticket or do a test. I feel so lonely most of the time. I have become a single parent even though I am living in the same house. I cannot trust him to be there to be sober, to be responsible. I used to resent him but I don't anymore I am starting to question where I went so long ago or if I ever had any strength. I am the product of a physically abusive home, who left home at 18 and never looked back. It took me so long to understand that I have worth and yet I feel like that was all just me telling myself what I want to hear. I feel trapped by fear. What if my boundaries are too strict, what if I am asking too much. I don't know what normal or healthy looks like but I know its not this. I want so much for myself, and my children but how do you know whats reasonable when you have no idea what normal is.

mauihope

My story sounds very similar to yours. I am slowly beginning to find out what is normal for me and its taken these past few months of soul-searching to realize what I want. It is a daily process of forgiveness (forgiving myself most importantly, then the others in my life) and detachment. I am currently still living with my husband, who went a few months without drinking, now is back drinking. I have let that all go. He is a grown man who has his own issues that I am not taking on. I wish we could stay together, I wish we could work it out.....but I know if I was just become a shell of a woman and just accept his behavior as ok (which I have done and I was not authentically me), then it would work for him....but what about me? It will all be ok in the end, I know that, I have faith in that. It is this middle that is hard.

I know I have not been on in a few months. I have been checking occasionally.....


(((((hugs to you viola))))

Katchie

I have a lot of common with you as do many others here; you've found a good, safe place. I'm so happy for you that you have sought help for yourself the past 2 years -- that is SO good! I don't think you can set a boundary and worry if it is too strict. If it is how you feel, then it is GOOD and don't feel bad sticking to it. We codies feel bad enough as it is.
:-) I think what may be unreasonable is how much we have allowed to go on in our lives before seeking help.

lillamy

Welcome, Viola. I'm glad you're here. I'm sorry you need to be.

So -- here's how I view things: If you're uncomfortable in a situation, you have every right to be. Nobody can tell you that you are too demanding, your expectations are too high, or you should just "settle" for what you've got. I don't believe in any of that. It's your life, and if your life is making you unhappy, you have a right to change it. If your relationship is making you feel lonely, you have a right to say "I don't want this anymore."

You really don't have to convince anyone that "it's so bad I have to leave." You are a majority when it comes to making decisions about your own life.

Now that I got that out of the way -- I don't for a second think you're being too "strict" or demanding too much. Most spouses/parents are sober most of the time. Normal people don't drive drunk -- especially with their family members in the car. I think I can safely say based on what you're telling us that no, this is not a normal situation and yes, you have cause for concern

Whenever I hear someone say that, I always add "... for right now..." My ex was that way, too. In certain jobs, you can get away with a fairly progressed alcoholism before anyone raises the red flag. The problem with that is that when the proverbial dung hits the fan, the alcoholism has progressed quite far. My ex lost his family, his job, and his home within about a year's time once his life started to unravel.

What helped me was Al-Anon -- meetings, and working their program. I spent four years there learning about how alcoholism affected me, how it broke down my spirit and my resolve. I felt at first it was very unfair that I had to go to a group to get help when, after all, I wasn't the one drinking! But I can recommend Al-Anon. It's a safe place. To learn, to get support, to cry, to swear....

CodeJob

Glad you posted! Welcome Viola!