getting weaker; more confused
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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getting weaker; more confused
Well...turns out we are still communicating. I didn't want to see him, because of how he behaved; things he said in his moods. I said that I can't see him if he is actively drinking. So, he's tried to stay in touch, calls me, and is extremely nice, funny, warm, kind. He keeps saying he's working on it. What I have noticed is that he is no longer slurring his words on the phone (by evening), which he had been doing. It makes me think he really is trying. He claims he can do it all on his own and that he's done it before. However, it didn't stick. I've witnessed the daily drinking (starting early in the morning), slurring words by night. What is to make me think that he won't keep relapsing?
When he drinks, he gets mad at strangers or he gets verbally moody OR he becomes sweeter (when his body is happier to have a fix, I guess) and his health is being affected.
He's not a hard drinker. His drink is beer or wine. He claims to water it down. I don't know if there is any hope with this or am I fooling myself. He gets me confused; when he being so kind and sweet, It's easy to almost forget what I've experienced.
He is a kind person. His drinking is the main issue, but aside from this, his moods are just so difficult and exhausting for me (I don't know if the moods are alcohol related or not). He has strong views of how things "should be". I "should be, act or respond" a certain way, or it means that I must not care, etc... that way of thinking was exhausting for me. I always felt like I better do such and such or I'd feel guilty because he'd think I "don't care enough", which would eventually build into a mood, where he'd say not so nice things. Later, he always wanted me to let it go and tell me how much he loves me.
He wants to start again fresh. I'm not sure how to handle this; what boundaries to use for protection. We've never lived together. Like other stories of alcoholism, I see his financial difficulties and job changes. I just don't know how to expect a future with this. Can it ever change?
Thanks for letting vent; just feeling confused.
When he drinks, he gets mad at strangers or he gets verbally moody OR he becomes sweeter (when his body is happier to have a fix, I guess) and his health is being affected.
He's not a hard drinker. His drink is beer or wine. He claims to water it down. I don't know if there is any hope with this or am I fooling myself. He gets me confused; when he being so kind and sweet, It's easy to almost forget what I've experienced.
He is a kind person. His drinking is the main issue, but aside from this, his moods are just so difficult and exhausting for me (I don't know if the moods are alcohol related or not). He has strong views of how things "should be". I "should be, act or respond" a certain way, or it means that I must not care, etc... that way of thinking was exhausting for me. I always felt like I better do such and such or I'd feel guilty because he'd think I "don't care enough", which would eventually build into a mood, where he'd say not so nice things. Later, he always wanted me to let it go and tell me how much he loves me.
He wants to start again fresh. I'm not sure how to handle this; what boundaries to use for protection. We've never lived together. Like other stories of alcoholism, I see his financial difficulties and job changes. I just don't know how to expect a future with this. Can it ever change?
Thanks for letting vent; just feeling confused.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Whatever the root cause, he sounds very manipulative and controlling. Not to mention verbally and emotionally abusive.
No contact might be a good thing for you right now. It's hard to move on if you're still hung up on his promise to "work on it", which really doesn't mean anything at all.
Also, the type of alcohol he drinks is really a non issue. Sticking to wine and beer doesn't make someone less of an alcoholic. It's the change in behavior when he is drinking and the fact that he has no real desire to quit despite the adverse consequences- bankruptcy, loss of relationships, anger issues.
This isn't a situation that has the possibility for a fresh start. Neither of you has fundamentally changed since the breakup. Boundaries are to protect your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. They will not make a doomed relationship magically work.
Have you tried Alanon yet?
No contact might be a good thing for you right now. It's hard to move on if you're still hung up on his promise to "work on it", which really doesn't mean anything at all.
Also, the type of alcohol he drinks is really a non issue. Sticking to wine and beer doesn't make someone less of an alcoholic. It's the change in behavior when he is drinking and the fact that he has no real desire to quit despite the adverse consequences- bankruptcy, loss of relationships, anger issues.
This isn't a situation that has the possibility for a fresh start. Neither of you has fundamentally changed since the breakup. Boundaries are to protect your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. They will not make a doomed relationship magically work.
Have you tried Alanon yet?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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He's not a hard drinker. His drink is beer or wine. He claims to water it down. I don't know if there is any hope with this or am I fooling myself.
I would also suggest that you read your post to yourself. You say he is a kind person. But a kind person does not tell you how you should react. A kind person does not yell at strangers. A kind person does not become "verbally moody" (I suspect I would call that "verbally abusive").
Also, remember that you have the power to determine whether you are in communication or not. If you feel like you have a hard time resisting his tearful pleas, you have every right to protect yourself by not answering the phone when he calls.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Nothings really changed from your earlier postings from what I can see.
Doesn't matter what he drinks. Alcohol is alcohol. My mother drank only beer in her later years, and less and less of it as the addiction wore on because she couldn't process as much anymore as her body was slowly breaking down from the years and years of drinking. [You know, the slightly bloated belly skinny legs look alcoholics so often get and you say he has already]
Honestly, and with compassion, to me it doesn't sound like he's done drinking, and frankly it doesn't sound like you're done with your addiction to him.
And yes, I agree with ladyscribbler that he is manipulative and controlling as well as verbally and emotionally abusive, and that may have nothing to do with his addiction but be just part of his underlying personality.
You really should try Alanon and keep your distance.
Recovery doesn't look like addiction. It looks like a deep and fundamental change,
and that's not what you are describing here at all.
Best to you carmen--do what is healthy and wise for your future peace and realize the pain will pass.
Doesn't matter what he drinks. Alcohol is alcohol. My mother drank only beer in her later years, and less and less of it as the addiction wore on because she couldn't process as much anymore as her body was slowly breaking down from the years and years of drinking. [You know, the slightly bloated belly skinny legs look alcoholics so often get and you say he has already]
Honestly, and with compassion, to me it doesn't sound like he's done drinking, and frankly it doesn't sound like you're done with your addiction to him.
And yes, I agree with ladyscribbler that he is manipulative and controlling as well as verbally and emotionally abusive, and that may have nothing to do with his addiction but be just part of his underlying personality.
You really should try Alanon and keep your distance.
Recovery doesn't look like addiction. It looks like a deep and fundamental change,
and that's not what you are describing here at all.
Best to you carmen--do what is healthy and wise for your future peace and realize the pain will pass.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 80
He keeps wanting to talk; conversations have been sweet, kind, fun, funny. Eventually it turns back to, so when we see each other again. I keep bringing up the drinking; I feel like a broken record. He's tired of hearing it, but that is the reason we are not together. He says he understands, he's working on it and doesn't want me to keep rehashing it, etc... meanwhile, he still wants to start fresh. Okay, why isn't he hearing me? Start fresh is to see him take ACTION. He wants me to blindly trust that he's "working on it" and accept that. This is so frustrating.
He's offended, as if I think of him as a "raving alcoholic"...he says that he's never been in trouble, works hard, etc... but I also know that he drinks wine daily, is slurring words by night and can see his declining health. So, he acts hurt (which makes me feel bad), as if I'm not attracted to him. So, again, I have to say, it's the drinking...and he doesn't want to hear it. He says okay, I get it... then why does he not SHOW me that he gets it?
He's so smart that he sometimes has me doubting myself; wondering if I'm being too hard on him; that I am being hurtful or mean.
He also got upset, thinking that I've told people about this. I have to deal with it all by myself, secretly, no support? Why would he even think that I'd tell someone for malicious reasons; all my concern comes from love and trying to figure out what to do.
Thanks for letting me talk about it here. Not sure how this will unfold or how I should handle it.
He's offended, as if I think of him as a "raving alcoholic"...he says that he's never been in trouble, works hard, etc... but I also know that he drinks wine daily, is slurring words by night and can see his declining health. So, he acts hurt (which makes me feel bad), as if I'm not attracted to him. So, again, I have to say, it's the drinking...and he doesn't want to hear it. He says okay, I get it... then why does he not SHOW me that he gets it?
He's so smart that he sometimes has me doubting myself; wondering if I'm being too hard on him; that I am being hurtful or mean.
He also got upset, thinking that I've told people about this. I have to deal with it all by myself, secretly, no support? Why would he even think that I'd tell someone for malicious reasons; all my concern comes from love and trying to figure out what to do.
Thanks for letting me talk about it here. Not sure how this will unfold or how I should handle it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I would walk away. Seriously. Assuming for the sake of argument that "deep down," under his addiction is a kind, warm, funny person, you may never, ever see that.
More important, there are plenty of kind, warm, funny people out there who you don't have to hurt your head over, wondering if he's going to ruin the night, ruin the weekend, etc.
You can step away. Anytime. Really. You don't need to justify it to anyone. Some people are just too much trouble to have in your life, and it sounds like this guy sounds like one of them.
Or you can keep wasting your time, having these circular, going-nowhere conversations, where you tell him he has to change, he tells you he doesn't have a problem, you keep getting sucked in by sweet-talk, he keeps blaming you, ugh.
More important, there are plenty of kind, warm, funny people out there who you don't have to hurt your head over, wondering if he's going to ruin the night, ruin the weekend, etc.
You can step away. Anytime. Really. You don't need to justify it to anyone. Some people are just too much trouble to have in your life, and it sounds like this guy sounds like one of them.
Or you can keep wasting your time, having these circular, going-nowhere conversations, where you tell him he has to change, he tells you he doesn't have a problem, you keep getting sucked in by sweet-talk, he keeps blaming you, ugh.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Carmen....in my experience, the nice stuff....the sweet words....pillow talk, etc. can vaporize as rapidly as dew in the morning sun, with someone who is trying to manipulate us to get their way.
Make n mistake...they KNOW how powerful these morsels are for us. That is exactly why they turn them on..because they know how much we crave these things and that it will keep us hooked. That we will ignore or "forget" or forgive all the bad stuff. They know where our hot buttons are.
If you want to know when they are blowing smoke--just tell them "no" about something...LOL!
When a person is truly in authentic recovery....and working it for all they are worth--IT SHOWS. They don't have to talk about it or brag about it or remind you of it. You can "feel" it in the way they conduct themselves...in their actions, both big and small. Their attitude shifts in a major way. The basic way that they relate to the world shifts.
It just doesn't sound like he is close to that.
A "clean slate" is code for: Don't hold me responsible for m y past actions and for pete's sake stuff all y our emotions and thoughts about it. It is self-centered and narcissistic in the extreme.
He doesn't sound that "smart" to me....he sounds like a typical manipulating alcoh.lic who is still knee-deep in his own denial. (he might be smart...but, this is no example of it!).
He is playing to your weakness, big time!!
Don't buy what he is selling...unless you want even more layers of disappointment and resentments.
Sorry. I really am.
sincerely,
dandylion
Make n mistake...they KNOW how powerful these morsels are for us. That is exactly why they turn them on..because they know how much we crave these things and that it will keep us hooked. That we will ignore or "forget" or forgive all the bad stuff. They know where our hot buttons are.
If you want to know when they are blowing smoke--just tell them "no" about something...LOL!
When a person is truly in authentic recovery....and working it for all they are worth--IT SHOWS. They don't have to talk about it or brag about it or remind you of it. You can "feel" it in the way they conduct themselves...in their actions, both big and small. Their attitude shifts in a major way. The basic way that they relate to the world shifts.
It just doesn't sound like he is close to that.
A "clean slate" is code for: Don't hold me responsible for m y past actions and for pete's sake stuff all y our emotions and thoughts about it. It is self-centered and narcissistic in the extreme.
He doesn't sound that "smart" to me....he sounds like a typical manipulating alcoh.lic who is still knee-deep in his own denial. (he might be smart...but, this is no example of it!).
He is playing to your weakness, big time!!
Don't buy what he is selling...unless you want even more layers of disappointment and resentments.
Sorry. I really am.
sincerely,
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
So...
He's still drinking
Won't let you voice concerns about his drinking affecting you.
Claims he's watering down alcohol (ROFL, genuinely funny - only an alcoholic would think that way) and that should calm you down.
Has mood swings.
Can be verbally abusive.
Drunk every evening and working all day - so you don't really get to spend any quality time together.
Wants everything on his terms 'as it should be' etc.
Wants a fresh start without making the slightest change to take care of YOUR needs.
Hmm, he's quite a catch.
You really do deserve so much better - simply because you're a human being let alone a compassionate and kind one who cares about other people! You deserve to be as cared for as you care for others.
He's not able to give you that.
He's still drinking
Won't let you voice concerns about his drinking affecting you.
Claims he's watering down alcohol (ROFL, genuinely funny - only an alcoholic would think that way) and that should calm you down.
Has mood swings.
Can be verbally abusive.
Drunk every evening and working all day - so you don't really get to spend any quality time together.
Wants everything on his terms 'as it should be' etc.
Wants a fresh start without making the slightest change to take care of YOUR needs.
Hmm, he's quite a catch.
You really do deserve so much better - simply because you're a human being let alone a compassionate and kind one who cares about other people! You deserve to be as cared for as you care for others.
He's not able to give you that.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
He doesn't want to quit drinking. Period. You won't be in a relationship with him unless he quits drinking. Period.
Whatever he says, whatever he claims to be doing, whatever your emotions are telling you, those two facts remain. You two are fundamentally incompatible. Period.
The kindest thing to do would be to stop having contact and set him free to find a relationship that won't interfere with his #1 priority, drinking.
You can do better. He can't
Whatever he says, whatever he claims to be doing, whatever your emotions are telling you, those two facts remain. You two are fundamentally incompatible. Period.
The kindest thing to do would be to stop having contact and set him free to find a relationship that won't interfere with his #1 priority, drinking.
You can do better. He can't
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
"Neither of you has fundamentally changed since the breakup..."
"You two are fundamentally incompatible. Period...."
Dear Ladyscribbler
As usual, you have given me a new insight in your efforts here to help someone else. I HAVE fundamentally changed. My ex sees it, other people see it and I see it.
Makes me wonder how sober couples adapt to these inevitable changes in life, and makes me wonder if the divorce rates would drop substantially if there were no substances.
I also realize that my situation, where one quit drinking and the other won't quit, is enough of a deal breaker, even if everything else is good.
"You two are fundamentally incompatible. Period...."
Dear Ladyscribbler
As usual, you have given me a new insight in your efforts here to help someone else. I HAVE fundamentally changed. My ex sees it, other people see it and I see it.
Makes me wonder how sober couples adapt to these inevitable changes in life, and makes me wonder if the divorce rates would drop substantially if there were no substances.
I also realize that my situation, where one quit drinking and the other won't quit, is enough of a deal breaker, even if everything else is good.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 80
Thank you all. Sorry if I repeat myself. I don't mean to be going in circles, but apparently my situation is stuck. I made my move; our relationship has changed, but what happens next, I just don't know. I just feel like I need to talk to someone and this site is basically my Alanon.
When I see the responses, I feel a bit guilty, because I don't mean to make him sound bad...that's exactly how he feels, like I'm making him sound worse than he is and I don't mean to do that at all. I don't want to hurt him and he acts like I am.
It's hard, because I feel like he loves me more than anyone I've ever dated before. I see who he is/the potential of who he is capable of being if it weren't for this.
When I hear that neither of us has changed, what change am I suppose to make? I'm not sure what I should be aiming for.
When I see the responses, I feel a bit guilty, because I don't mean to make him sound bad...that's exactly how he feels, like I'm making him sound worse than he is and I don't mean to do that at all. I don't want to hurt him and he acts like I am.
It's hard, because I feel like he loves me more than anyone I've ever dated before. I see who he is/the potential of who he is capable of being if it weren't for this.
When I hear that neither of us has changed, what change am I suppose to make? I'm not sure what I should be aiming for.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
What I had to change was the hope I had that my ex would change so that we could have the relationship I thought we were meant to have. I had to let go of who I thought he could be if he got sober and stop trying to have a relationship with his potential.
I had to change my thinking and accept him as he was, exactly as he was, and not who I thought he could become "if only..."
It was sad to let go of my dreams of happiness with him, dreams of a family, a sober, involved father for our son.
It would have been sadder if I had stayed stuck in that situation, continued subjecting my sons to an abusive alcoholic, wasted more of my time waiting for him to realize his potential, gotten pulled down with him as he spiraled.
You can't fix him or change him or save him, but staying stuck on him can drag you down.
I had to change my thinking and accept him as he was, exactly as he was, and not who I thought he could become "if only..."
It was sad to let go of my dreams of happiness with him, dreams of a family, a sober, involved father for our son.
It would have been sadder if I had stayed stuck in that situation, continued subjecting my sons to an abusive alcoholic, wasted more of my time waiting for him to realize his potential, gotten pulled down with him as he spiraled.
You can't fix him or change him or save him, but staying stuck on him can drag you down.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Exactly what lady scribbler wrote. EXACTLY.
I just started investing in the stock market a little bit this year (boy, picked a scary year to do THAT), and I did some reading up on investing. And here's the thing. If he were a stock you would be "speculating"--betting that he's going to turn his life around and be everything you want him to be. Very VERY few speculators make any money. Most lose because the best way to invest is to look at past performance, present strengths, those kinds of REAL indicators.
The only indicators you have to go on right now are your wishes and dreams. HE isn't showing ANY inclination to make any of the HUGE, MASSIVE changes that are required to basically rebuild your whole life. That's what sobriety--lasting sobriety--requires.
He's not a good investment, and you're likely to lose your shirt (if you're lucky, that is--might lose a lot more) if you bet on him.
I just started investing in the stock market a little bit this year (boy, picked a scary year to do THAT), and I did some reading up on investing. And here's the thing. If he were a stock you would be "speculating"--betting that he's going to turn his life around and be everything you want him to be. Very VERY few speculators make any money. Most lose because the best way to invest is to look at past performance, present strengths, those kinds of REAL indicators.
The only indicators you have to go on right now are your wishes and dreams. HE isn't showing ANY inclination to make any of the HUGE, MASSIVE changes that are required to basically rebuild your whole life. That's what sobriety--lasting sobriety--requires.
He's not a good investment, and you're likely to lose your shirt (if you're lucky, that is--might lose a lot more) if you bet on him.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
What I had to change was the hope I had that my ex would change so that we could have the relationship I thought we were meant to have. I had to let go of who I thought he could be if he got sober and stop trying to have a relationship with his potential.
For the record, nobody here is saying he's "bad" carmen, but that he is an alcoholic, and in full blown addiction. We know what that looks like because we've been it, lived with it, or both.
This is as good as it will get right this minute if he doesn't choose to stop drinking. His "potential" is meaningless because there is a very good chance he will never tap into it because of this addiction.
The reality is he will not even manage to maintain where he is now if he keeps drinking, and I think, or hope you know this. He can't have a "clean slate" because he isn't clean--he's made it very clear he isn't going to stop using alcohol and he is trying to get you to come back on his drinking terms.
There is no "change" you can make in yourself to accommodate that and be happy unless you want to go down with him. Why keep wasting you time and energy on someone who wants a bottle more than you?
Surely you see you deserve better?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Carmen,
I thought just maybe this might be helpful to you. It's in our Classic Reading sticky, and this thread is called "Potential".
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html
I thought just maybe this might be helpful to you. It's in our Classic Reading sticky, and this thread is called "Potential".
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html
Originally Posted by spring
I have been reading all the posts here and am sooo moved by the honesty and rawness of the feelings here. I see a reaccuring theme that reminded me of something a therapist told me years ago.
I kept saying "But I know what a good person he is inside, if he could just be the man I know he could be", ect., ect.,......
My therapist said "It is not wise to base a relationship on loving someone's "potential." We ALL have the potential to be many things. It is WHO we ARE TODAY that needs to be acknowledged. Do you love who he is TODAY?, because that is the only person you can be absolutely sure he is willing to be and that may be who you will be trying to "love" forever."
WOW. That one paragraph changed my WHOLE life. I have been divorced from him for ten years and he is still, as of yet, hasn't become the person "I knew he could be."
Just wanted to share that. Peace.
I kept saying "But I know what a good person he is inside, if he could just be the man I know he could be", ect., ect.,......
My therapist said "It is not wise to base a relationship on loving someone's "potential." We ALL have the potential to be many things. It is WHO we ARE TODAY that needs to be acknowledged. Do you love who he is TODAY?, because that is the only person you can be absolutely sure he is willing to be and that may be who you will be trying to "love" forever."
WOW. That one paragraph changed my WHOLE life. I have been divorced from him for ten years and he is still, as of yet, hasn't become the person "I knew he could be."
Just wanted to share that. Peace.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Dear Carmen....yep. Everyone here is soooo right.
I've always had a struggle with the, "deserving better" idea. Sure, somewhere deep down I may think I deserve better treatment, but my fear of never finding it is MUCH more convincing: I'm old now, I'm only attracted to him, I've never had a healthy love so it's too late, I'm alone, I have no one, he was IT....... I'M SCREWZLED! ....... ARG! BLARGLE! ARGHHH!
When Melody Beattie says "if you can't let go, try to hang on loose", I tried to do that. Because I couldn't let go, so that was more bearable. The fantasy of having someone, anyone, was too strong; it was my absolute survival strategy and always had been, with a variety of very messed up people.
To move forward for my own health, the stark, heart-ripping pain of even sticking one toe out of my denial was the hardest thing ever. But I had to do it. Just one step away at a time.
I read and read and read here, and other books, websites, spiritual stuff...anything to help get through the withdrawal pain.....and gathered support in every way I possibly could...
I curled up in pain a lot too. Because that's the withdrawal from these toxic relationships. There really isn't any half-measure, partial connection, figuring him out, etc. etc. I tried to hang on but it wouldn't work. He would not, could not stop drinking and being crazy and abusive and a tantruming baby.
All those acrobatics we do to try and hold onto this "one and only love" is just us trying to avoid a heap O' withdrawal terror. Or, you could call it GROWING pains!
That's how it's been for me, anyway. Now, I'm not twisting myself in misery trying to live in craziness and abuse, anymore. And I survived the "dark night of the soul"...(more like "dark couple years of the soul" Ha!)
It's a growing process that you really deserve to gift yourself with, even though it sure as hell don't feel like a gift for a while...LoL ...
You CAN get there....there's just not likely to be an "easy, softer" way.
Courage! A little bit at a time......
I've always had a struggle with the, "deserving better" idea. Sure, somewhere deep down I may think I deserve better treatment, but my fear of never finding it is MUCH more convincing: I'm old now, I'm only attracted to him, I've never had a healthy love so it's too late, I'm alone, I have no one, he was IT....... I'M SCREWZLED! ....... ARG! BLARGLE! ARGHHH!
When Melody Beattie says "if you can't let go, try to hang on loose", I tried to do that. Because I couldn't let go, so that was more bearable. The fantasy of having someone, anyone, was too strong; it was my absolute survival strategy and always had been, with a variety of very messed up people.
To move forward for my own health, the stark, heart-ripping pain of even sticking one toe out of my denial was the hardest thing ever. But I had to do it. Just one step away at a time.
I read and read and read here, and other books, websites, spiritual stuff...anything to help get through the withdrawal pain.....and gathered support in every way I possibly could...
I curled up in pain a lot too. Because that's the withdrawal from these toxic relationships. There really isn't any half-measure, partial connection, figuring him out, etc. etc. I tried to hang on but it wouldn't work. He would not, could not stop drinking and being crazy and abusive and a tantruming baby.
All those acrobatics we do to try and hold onto this "one and only love" is just us trying to avoid a heap O' withdrawal terror. Or, you could call it GROWING pains!
That's how it's been for me, anyway. Now, I'm not twisting myself in misery trying to live in craziness and abuse, anymore. And I survived the "dark night of the soul"...(more like "dark couple years of the soul" Ha!)
It's a growing process that you really deserve to gift yourself with, even though it sure as hell don't feel like a gift for a while...LoL ...
You CAN get there....there's just not likely to be an "easy, softer" way.
Courage! A little bit at a time......
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Argnotthisagain
Dear Carmen....yep. Everyone here is soooo right.
I've always had a struggle with the, "deserving better" idea. Sure, somewhere deep down I may think I deserve better treatment, but my fear of never finding it is MUCH more convincing: I'm old now, I'm only attracted to him, I've never had a healthy love so it's too late, I'm alone, I have no one, he was IT....... I'M SCREWZLED! ....... ARG! BLARGLE! ARGHHH!
When Melody Beattie says "if you can't let go, try to hang on loose", I tried to do that. Because I couldn't let go, so that was more bearable. The fantasy of having someone, anyone, was too strong; it was my absolute survival strategy and always had been, with a variety of very messed up people.
To move forward for my own health, the stark, heart-ripping pain of even sticking one toe out of my denial was the hardest thing ever. But I had to do it. Just one step away at a time.
I read and read and read here, and other books, websites, spiritual stuff...anything to help get through the withdrawal pain.....and gathered support in every way I possibly could...
I curled up in pain a lot too. Because that's the withdrawal from these toxic relationships. There really isn't any half-measure, partial connection, figuring him out, etc. etc. I tried to hang on but it wouldn't work. He would not, could not stop drinking and being crazy and abusive and a tantruming baby.
All those acrobatics we do to try and hold onto this "one and only love" is just us trying to avoid a heap O' withdrawal terror. Or, you could call it GROWING pains!
That's how it's been for me, anyway. Now, I'm not twisting myself in misery trying to live in craziness and abuse, anymore. And I survived the "dark night of the soul"...(more like "dark couple years of the soul" Ha!)
It's a growing process that you really deserve to gift yourself with, even though it sure as hell don't feel like a gift for a while...LoL ...
You CAN get there....there's just not likely to be an "easy, softer" way.
Courage! A little bit at a time......
I've always had a struggle with the, "deserving better" idea. Sure, somewhere deep down I may think I deserve better treatment, but my fear of never finding it is MUCH more convincing: I'm old now, I'm only attracted to him, I've never had a healthy love so it's too late, I'm alone, I have no one, he was IT....... I'M SCREWZLED! ....... ARG! BLARGLE! ARGHHH!
When Melody Beattie says "if you can't let go, try to hang on loose", I tried to do that. Because I couldn't let go, so that was more bearable. The fantasy of having someone, anyone, was too strong; it was my absolute survival strategy and always had been, with a variety of very messed up people.
To move forward for my own health, the stark, heart-ripping pain of even sticking one toe out of my denial was the hardest thing ever. But I had to do it. Just one step away at a time.
I read and read and read here, and other books, websites, spiritual stuff...anything to help get through the withdrawal pain.....and gathered support in every way I possibly could...
I curled up in pain a lot too. Because that's the withdrawal from these toxic relationships. There really isn't any half-measure, partial connection, figuring him out, etc. etc. I tried to hang on but it wouldn't work. He would not, could not stop drinking and being crazy and abusive and a tantruming baby.
All those acrobatics we do to try and hold onto this "one and only love" is just us trying to avoid a heap O' withdrawal terror. Or, you could call it GROWING pains!
That's how it's been for me, anyway. Now, I'm not twisting myself in misery trying to live in craziness and abuse, anymore. And I survived the "dark night of the soul"...(more like "dark couple years of the soul" Ha!)
It's a growing process that you really deserve to gift yourself with, even though it sure as hell don't feel like a gift for a while...LoL ...
You CAN get there....there's just not likely to be an "easy, softer" way.
Courage! A little bit at a time......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Carmen, at some point you stopped having a relationship with HIM, and engaged in a battle against HIS DRINKING. your "belief" is IF ONLY he would stop drinking, all would be well. that is your requirement for him to be an acceptable partner.
he SAYS he's "working on it"
he SAYS he doesn't want to hear it
he SAYS he wants a fresh start
he SAYS he's not that bad
what if.....you accept him exactly as he is now.....not who you think he could be if he changes. it's been three years now.....you have a decent body of work to study.
what if.....you just let him go?
he SAYS he's "working on it"
he SAYS he doesn't want to hear it
he SAYS he wants a fresh start
he SAYS he's not that bad
what if.....you accept him exactly as he is now.....not who you think he could be if he changes. it's been three years now.....you have a decent body of work to study.
what if.....you just let him go?
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