FlippedRHalo

I can't answer for Lexi, but my alcoholic ex and I were engaged and planning a wedding. Honestly, he was more into it than I was... I was slightly terrified of marrying him as the depth of his alcoholism started becoming so crystal clear.

If an alcoholic is capable of loving someone, he loved me, without a doubt in my mind. We were the best of friends and we shared everything. We had some of the most touching, amazing, fun, fantastic times together and spent every ounce of spare time we had together. We lived together, did everything together and he treated me like I hung the moon. As screwed up as he was, he never said a harsh word to me, never laid a hand on me and would rather give in than see me upset. As far as closeness goes, it didn't get much closer than he and I were. For quite a while, the two of us lived and breathed for our relationship. We had a beautiful home together, we took fantastic vacations, our families adored us and were thrilled that we were planning our wedding. We just really had so much together. It was almost that fairytale relationship...except that it wasn't.

When I would threaten to leave, he'd immediately stop drinking. It would last for about two weeks, tops. He'd beg, plead, cry, beg, plead, cry, profess his undying love, tell me that he'd kill himself if I left, that he'd die without me, etc...etc...etc... Slowly, he'd start hiding his alcohol consumption. Little by little, he'd be right back to the bottle of Fireball per night. I'd threaten again, he'd stop, plead, cry, beg, etc...again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

As much as he loved me and as tight as we were, I honestly have to say that I NEVER, not in a million and one years, thought he'd ever choose his bottle over us. NEVER. The thought didn't even cross my mind. I was convinced that I was going to win in the end and that our fairytale would keep coming true.

When I finally had it, and he really knew I'd had it and wasn't throwing out empty threats anymore, and after so many times of him stopping, promising to get help and ultimately going back to the bottle, in the end, his alcohol won and he gave up the fight. He had the choice to find help that very day or leave. Guess what Carmen? He left. And he's broken. I KNOW that us being apart is killing him, BUT guess what? He can't (or won't) stop drinking. At one point, if he did, I probably would have given it another shot.... not now. I can't. I won't. It breaks my ever loving heart in pieces, trust me, but I can not do this to myself or my daughter. I lost the man I that I absolutely, head over heels loved, adored and thought I'd be spending the rest of my happy little life with to a bottle of effing whiskey. All he would have had to do was STOP DRINKING. He could not. He had to make a choice. He did. He chose to continue destroying his life and his health and he chose to lose what was once everything in the world to him so that he could hole up in a room and continue his ever so precious relationship with a substance.

You will not win Carmen. I wish I could tell you differently. I can't. You will not win this battle. It's such a harsh reality, but a reality is what it is. You, nor I, nor any other man, woman or child on this earth will ever win the battle that is raging within the alcoholic until that alcoholic is ready to face, and fight with all they have, for their very life. Mine wasn't there and it rips my heart out on a daily basis. I hate to say it honey, but yours is not there either. Get out of the way or you're going to be barreled over like you were hit by a runaway train before long. Trust me on this, please.

Hugs. I know how hard it is to let go of it. Trust me on that too.

suncatcher

Carmen, just based on what you have said it sounds like you have to walk on egg shells with him. The only thing you "should " be is your true self. You shouldn't have to worry about he thinks you should respond and etc. It sounds like you worry more about his feelings than he does about yours. You sound like a very kind hearted and giving person. Give some of that kindness back to yourself. Let him go at least take time to work on you and don't be manipulated by him. The thread about potential is good. I wish you strength and clarity and I'm glad you are here. You will find lots of support here.

dandylion

Carmen....it has been 3 months since you have seen each other---three months is not long enough to have finished the grieving process......
Did you think that it would be just a short time.....?


dandylion

**also, consider this...when you are crying and grieving you are experiencing the full emotion of the pain---BUT, he, on the other hand doesn't have to feel the pain because he has the benefit(?) of being numb from the alcohol. He doesn't have to cope with the emotions because the alcohol takes it away.

Hawkeye13

Carmen; At the bottom of this post are words you wrote to Jane on her thread in November--read them again and think carefully about what has he done or said to demonstrate any positive change since you wrote it.

You finally seemed to be getting clear about the cycle you were in and the denial.
He isn't going to give it up and he says that. He doesn't think he has a problem he can't control, but clearly the alcohol controls him.

It would have been to his benefit with you to "prove" to you he could drink moderately on New Years,
yet he is so far gone in the disease he could not.
I'm sorry, but his actions keep speaking louder than his words and it looks pretty clear from here that he is getting worse, not better:



"This just happened in my case. I loved him (and his family) but I had to break it off. I also am struggling with some guilt, but I felt myself putting up walls with him, wouldn't give my 100% heart because I couldn't see things getting better. The longer I hoped it would improve, the more blinded I became within my situation. I would tell myself that I am blowing it out of proportion; that I should stop trying to analyze the situation and BE happy...but my gut was nagging me, saying, "don't love too much, pull away, this is progressive". My counselor said that not only does his drinking hurt me, but by staying in the relationship, it harms him because I'm enabling him.

So, I thought it was best for both of us for me to end it. I read so many stories on here about how our loved one can turn on us and I was sort of angry that I've wasted my time with someone that might turn on me, if I insult his buddy --alcohol.

He was mad at me. It was so hard for me, but I had experienced mood changes (like he was jeklly and hyde) and his last mood change was it! I was tiered of feeling nervous everytime I received a text, not knowing which person he'd be.

I decided that he needed a woman to make him feel like he was okay. As long as he's in a relationship, he can keep drinking, saying "I'm working on it" until the next lady realizes that she wasted time with someone that had no intention to fix the problem. meanwhile, she has to stress (like I did) about his declining health, extreme moods, bad behavior and alcohol made him crude and disrespectful. Then his sweet side came out and I'd let it go. After so many cycles, I realized I'm trapped a situation that is stuck, not healthy and going nowhere.

I've learned that this disease makes them very cleaver, manipulative and can make you so confused. "

LexieCat

Nobody can predict what will bring about that "moment of clarity" for an alcoholic who finally decides to do whatever it takes to get sober. For most people, it's an accumulation of losses--not necessarily the first loss or serious consequence, or even the fifth, tenth, or fiftieth. It was a seemingly not-so-big deal for me--for me, it was the first time I felt so sick at work from withdrawals that I had to be driven home from work. I have a low "disaster threshold." But I know many, many more people who went through all kinds of crap--multiple arrests, multiple breakups, multiple injuries/hospitalizations, etc., before they got that moment of clarity. And some simply never get there--or if they do, they don't act on it.

My first husband did get sober while I was on a "break" from our relationship due to his drinking. I don't know how much that had to do with it, maybe for him it was a tipping point. My second husband continued to drink through our separation and divorce, and apparently is still drinking, 17 years later. So for him, it didn't make a darned bit of difference.

There is no predicting what effect any given outcome may have on the alcoholic. Their journey is their own. All we can do is to look out for, and take care of, ourselves. That's OUR journey.

Hawkeye13

Code job posted this on another person's thread but if you haven't read it it might be very helpful with some of the "why" questions carmen:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships