getting weaker; more confused
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Oh Carmen honey, YES, it's definitely very disrespectful! He's basically telling you that he wants sex and isn't going to change anything else. He's looking out for himself and his needs, not yours.
I had a very close friend that went through this same exact thing and it turned into a complete disaster. Her feelings were very attached because they were off and on again for almost a year before, and in the end, her world just crumbled when she realized his emotions were completely unattached. He crushed her badly. We all tried to warn her, but she swore she could handle it and in the end, we were picking the pieces up off the floor. I do believe he did care about her, but he was also an alcoholic and in the end, he walked away from her to drink and live his old lifestyle. She felt used and she was. I'd hate to see you go through something like that. They're really great at telling you what you think you want to hear, but if you listen closely, you'll be able to hear what they're really saying and it's not hard to hear what your A is saying to you. It's not good Carmen. Please don't lower your standards and accept what he's proposing. You deserve better, so much better.
I had a very close friend that went through this same exact thing and it turned into a complete disaster. Her feelings were very attached because they were off and on again for almost a year before, and in the end, her world just crumbled when she realized his emotions were completely unattached. He crushed her badly. We all tried to warn her, but she swore she could handle it and in the end, we were picking the pieces up off the floor. I do believe he did care about her, but he was also an alcoholic and in the end, he walked away from her to drink and live his old lifestyle. She felt used and she was. I'd hate to see you go through something like that. They're really great at telling you what you think you want to hear, but if you listen closely, you'll be able to hear what they're really saying and it's not hard to hear what your A is saying to you. It's not good Carmen. Please don't lower your standards and accept what he's proposing. You deserve better, so much better.
Originally Posted by carmen303 
Yes, dandy, I do try to re-read everything, so it sinks in. Plus, t helps to read other post on here.
Still stuck, but slowly trying to figure out how to handle everything. He's still calling. I can't tell him that I don't want it to work, because that's not true ... I wish it could, but he hasn't done anything but words; no action.
We haven't seen each other for almost 3 months, yet we are talking and he still wants to work things out. He hasn't given me anything to feel secure about, but I enjoy talking and laughing with him (the friendship), however, knowing my concerns and how I feel about the drinking (and behaviors associated with it) he still keeps coming back to the topic of sex. He wants us to see each other and be intimate again. He's always wanted to be fully committed and for us to marry one day. Under normal conditions, that's what I want to, but I'm so uncomfortable when he brings it up...all that would do is hurt me more, when the issue has not been resolved and we would end up back where we were.
If feels disrespectful to me at this time (knowing how nothing has changed and knowing my position). Is this a typical guy reaction or is it disrespectful under the circumstances? just wondered.
Still stuck, but slowly trying to figure out how to handle everything. He's still calling. I can't tell him that I don't want it to work, because that's not true ... I wish it could, but he hasn't done anything but words; no action.
We haven't seen each other for almost 3 months, yet we are talking and he still wants to work things out. He hasn't given me anything to feel secure about, but I enjoy talking and laughing with him (the friendship), however, knowing my concerns and how I feel about the drinking (and behaviors associated with it) he still keeps coming back to the topic of sex. He wants us to see each other and be intimate again. He's always wanted to be fully committed and for us to marry one day. Under normal conditions, that's what I want to, but I'm so uncomfortable when he brings it up...all that would do is hurt me more, when the issue has not been resolved and we would end up back where we were.
If feels disrespectful to me at this time (knowing how nothing has changed and knowing my position). Is this a typical guy reaction or is it disrespectful under the circumstances? just wondered.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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carmen, you are clinging fiercely to this fantasy of who you think he COULD be, if only......you're carpet cruising for crumbs. while you are waiting around on this champ to get his act together, LIFE is parading right past you.
our egos take quite a blow when others do not change FOR US. when they do not make their lives ALL ABOUT US. i mean cuz well, if they REALLY loved us right?
let's flip it around - how about YOU change? how about YOU make it OK inside you for him to drink from dawn til dusk, til he pukes on his shoes and pees his pants. how about instead of him QUITTING, you just learn to be ok with it? change YOUR thinking, YOUR life, your EXPECTATIONS. change everything that is important to you???? and do it all........for HIM.
that's what you are asking of him. you want to be so important to him that he'll crawl up Mt Everest barefoot just to prove. that he'll change who he is and what he is about to please you.
and then you'll feel victorious and vindicated and worthy of love. what you are really seeking is some fairy tale epic quest that ends with him slaying dragons and handing you the head, to EARN your LOVE.
so in this "relationship" neither of you are in love with the other person, onlyl who each of you wish the other WOULD BE.
our egos take quite a blow when others do not change FOR US. when they do not make their lives ALL ABOUT US. i mean cuz well, if they REALLY loved us right?
let's flip it around - how about YOU change? how about YOU make it OK inside you for him to drink from dawn til dusk, til he pukes on his shoes and pees his pants. how about instead of him QUITTING, you just learn to be ok with it? change YOUR thinking, YOUR life, your EXPECTATIONS. change everything that is important to you???? and do it all........for HIM.
that's what you are asking of him. you want to be so important to him that he'll crawl up Mt Everest barefoot just to prove. that he'll change who he is and what he is about to please you.
and then you'll feel victorious and vindicated and worthy of love. what you are really seeking is some fairy tale epic quest that ends with him slaying dragons and handing you the head, to EARN your LOVE.
so in this "relationship" neither of you are in love with the other person, onlyl who each of you wish the other WOULD BE.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I think you need to go no contact.
You've been apart for three months. It isn't going to change or get better.
Enough of him playing games. He's a selfish coward. The only way for you to heal is to stop talking to him.
This is why I don't remain friends with exes. We broke up for a reason. Done and done. He had plenty of chances.
You've been apart for three months. It isn't going to change or get better.
Enough of him playing games. He's a selfish coward. The only way for you to heal is to stop talking to him.
This is why I don't remain friends with exes. We broke up for a reason. Done and done. He had plenty of chances.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
So in this "relationship" neither of you are in love with the other person, only who each of you wish the other WOULD BE.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Originally Posted by honeypig
Anvilhead, this is another of your observations that is so incredibly on target...I'm saving this one to my "Wisdom of SR" folder. I surely see myself reflected here. Thanks.
"and then you'll feel victorious and vindicated and worthy of love. what you are really seeking is some fairy tale epic quest that ends with him slaying dragons and handing you the head, to EARN your LOVE."
Summed me up in a nutshell right there. I have a lot of work to do I suppose.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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I know that everyone recommends not to communicate and how everyone thinks he's not going to stop. Of course, I keep all of this in mind. I can't just cut ties so easily though. I never want to hurt someone I care about.
We still talk. He DOES claim that he plans to stop. I've told him he needs to take ACTION. So, we'll see. He does not want to do AA...he thinks he can do it on his own, to which I responded that he should not. He says AA is "boring". It's hard to him to sit through...he has ADHD, emphasis on the H. He can't sit still for long...it's hard for him.
Not sure what I should recommend about that. Maybe it's an excuse, but I know it's true. He really isn't able to sit for long and focus. What can I recommend for him, that he can tolerate?
We still talk. He DOES claim that he plans to stop. I've told him he needs to take ACTION. So, we'll see. He does not want to do AA...he thinks he can do it on his own, to which I responded that he should not. He says AA is "boring". It's hard to him to sit through...he has ADHD, emphasis on the H. He can't sit still for long...it's hard for him.
Not sure what I should recommend about that. Maybe it's an excuse, but I know it's true. He really isn't able to sit for long and focus. What can I recommend for him, that he can tolerate?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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carmen, he's all talk--if he truly wanted to stop drinking a little "boredom" wouldn't keep him from doing it.
I really hope you are able to go No Contact soon.
The guy so easily manipulates and messes with your head.
You won't be able to attract anybody who could be a real partner and friend
to you as long as you keep giving this man space in your life.
New Year's Resolution maybe?
I really hope you are able to go No Contact soon.
The guy so easily manipulates and messes with your head.
You won't be able to attract anybody who could be a real partner and friend
to you as long as you keep giving this man space in your life.
New Year's Resolution maybe?
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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Although, It's now been 3 months since we've seen each other, my A and I are still communicating. He knows how I feel. He still wanted me to be his new year date. My thoughts were, "he'll use this holiday as an excuse to drink". I told him this; said please don't do that. He said that he HAS to have something, but won't overdo it. Well, it's been confirmed that this is an issue for him...so, I know that if he doesn't have a little something, he feels bad from side effects and his hands shake.
I didn't expect him to magically quit cold turkey that night, so I thought I'd see how he was doing. No plan to go out; only to cook, watch movies, quality time, talk.
As I expected, he overdid it; not sure, but I think 2 bottles of wine. So disappointed, but not surprised. I didn't stick around long; just wanted to see him, give him a hug. He continues to say, this year, he's "going to change things; all will be better". I wish. If not for us, then for him.
I didn't expect him to magically quit cold turkey that night, so I thought I'd see how he was doing. No plan to go out; only to cook, watch movies, quality time, talk.
As I expected, he overdid it; not sure, but I think 2 bottles of wine. So disappointed, but not surprised. I didn't stick around long; just wanted to see him, give him a hug. He continues to say, this year, he's "going to change things; all will be better". I wish. If not for us, then for him.
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p.s. 2 bottles was the guess because he admitted to 1 and a half. who knows how much. He claims that his daily intake is around 3 glasses of wine. I have to speculate beyond that. I never counted the drinks, because he's always drinking "something"... mixed with something non alcoholic, so it looks better. Then who knows how much he's had before I'd see him ... so frustrating.
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Trust me, it isn't any better when you can literally count the empties in the recycling bin. You could have him followed with a hidden camera, recording every drop of whatever he is drinking, and it wouldn't make any more sense to you than it does right now.
carmen, you're still trying so hard to ANALYZE this situation. There is nothing else you could know that would make it suddenly make sense, or give you a solution to HIS problem.
What about YOUR problem? What are you doing for yourself to get off this fixation you have with trying to figure him out?
And I don't mean that unkindly. I know it seems like it SHOULD be something that could be figured out. But all of us wouldn't be sitting here on this forum if it were that simple.
carmen, you're still trying so hard to ANALYZE this situation. There is nothing else you could know that would make it suddenly make sense, or give you a solution to HIS problem.
What about YOUR problem? What are you doing for yourself to get off this fixation you have with trying to figure him out?
And I don't mean that unkindly. I know it seems like it SHOULD be something that could be figured out. But all of us wouldn't be sitting here on this forum if it were that simple.
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Hi Lexie, I was just giving an update, that's all.
We are not seeing each other as we once did, but he's still in my life and affecting my life. I'm dealing with the psychological healing I need to move forward. A lot has changed. I have backed off; we are not as we once were; I've made it clear how I feel. I took action. He hasn't. I am still struggling with letting go; still love him and don't want to let go 100%. He's my closest friend, really. I've tried hard to be active and busy in things to distract me and spend time with others.
He also makes me feel so bad...says I've hurt him, that I have so many conditions, etc....
I'm struggling through my limbo state and haven't been able to move forward; still stuck. I'm not asking any questions. Just updating my status. It's the only therapy I have.
We are not seeing each other as we once did, but he's still in my life and affecting my life. I'm dealing with the psychological healing I need to move forward. A lot has changed. I have backed off; we are not as we once were; I've made it clear how I feel. I took action. He hasn't. I am still struggling with letting go; still love him and don't want to let go 100%. He's my closest friend, really. I've tried hard to be active and busy in things to distract me and spend time with others.
He also makes me feel so bad...says I've hurt him, that I have so many conditions, etc....
I'm struggling through my limbo state and haven't been able to move forward; still stuck. I'm not asking any questions. Just updating my status. It's the only therapy I have.
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The only "how much" that matters is how much is too much for YOU.
The picture you paint is of an alcoholic who has no interest in recovery. Whether he drank a bottle and a half or two bottles of wine on New Year's Eve doesn't change that. I think you already know that. When I broke it off with my XABF it had to be all at once. If I gave him an inch, all he could see was the mile. I believe that No Contact made it possible for me to move on more quickly. It was hard to let go of the smart, funny sober guy I saw so much of when we first started dating, but I would have rather been alone than spend another minute with the abusive, angry, bitter, distant guy he was so much more of the time.
The picture you paint is of an alcoholic who has no interest in recovery. Whether he drank a bottle and a half or two bottles of wine on New Year's Eve doesn't change that. I think you already know that. When I broke it off with my XABF it had to be all at once. If I gave him an inch, all he could see was the mile. I believe that No Contact made it possible for me to move on more quickly. It was hard to let go of the smart, funny sober guy I saw so much of when we first started dating, but I would have rather been alone than spend another minute with the abusive, angry, bitter, distant guy he was so much more of the time.
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sparkle, he says he plans to change. he says that he wants to change. He says, He's doing it "his way", "doesn't like AA", etc...
So, I don't know what kind of picture I'm painting. He painting the picture that he wants to change. I have yet to see any action, but he has been saying it.
It's supposed to be his new year resolution. so he says...
So, I don't know what kind of picture I'm painting. He painting the picture that he wants to change. I have yet to see any action, but he has been saying it.
It's supposed to be his new year resolution. so he says...
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This is what we are talking about, Carmen. Alcoholics say those things CONSTANTLY. I could almost quote you the script. I said the same things. He may even mean them, on some level. But what he is doing (or, rather, NOT doing) is not going to change a darned thing.
I literally got up every day hoping TODAY was the day I'd get my drinking under control. Drank till I passed out almost every night.
So he can paint all the pictures he wants--they are still just images on paper, not anything real.
I literally got up every day hoping TODAY was the day I'd get my drinking under control. Drank till I passed out almost every night.
So he can paint all the pictures he wants--they are still just images on paper, not anything real.
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Originally Posted by carmen303
sparkle, he says he plans to change. he says that he wants to change. He says, He's doing it "his way", "doesn't like AA", etc... So, I don't know what kind of picture I'm painting. He painting the picture that he wants to change. I have yet to see any action, but he has been saying it. It's supposed to be his new year resolution. so he says...
Your A might actually change some day. He might not. When the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same, maybe. It might happen if you stay connected, it might not. There is no formula, no ideal set of circumstances to maximize the chances. When we talk about not Causing, not being able to Control or Cure another's alcoholism, this is what we're getting at. Accepting those three C's is really hard. We want to be able to follow a series of steps to save someone else, but we really can only save ourselves. Whether that means you let him go or keep hanging on is up to you. Sending you strength, courage, and clarity to figure out what is the best path for your future.
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Wow! I am loving all of the blunt honesty going on throughout this post! I'm in some angry self-centered stage right now so hearing everyone put my thoughts out is fantastic! Lol.... thank you everyone!
Also, Carmen, to answer your question "are there any success stories?" I read some other posts about this over the last month from various and forgotten sites. It comes down to how YOU define success. Even if this wonderful man kicks the drink today, a year or two or three to follow, there are other things to consider. First, he could relapse at any time; and that can last from one slip to many more years of drinking. Second, there are underlying issues at the root of his drinking that will have to be dealt with once be does have control of his addiction. Are you going to stay for that too? Third, your needs to stay and support his efforts are not really your job just because you love him. In fact, he will never truly feel your love if he cannot first love himself. And abusing alcohol is the exact opposite of self love.
Furthermore, I feel that all relationships are mirrors; they reflect things within ourselves. It is why we are "addicted" to this person... Anyway, my heart goes out to you! It IS painful to let go. I hope you can sit back and really imagine what you want for your life a d know that you deserve it.
Also, Carmen, to answer your question "are there any success stories?" I read some other posts about this over the last month from various and forgotten sites. It comes down to how YOU define success. Even if this wonderful man kicks the drink today, a year or two or three to follow, there are other things to consider. First, he could relapse at any time; and that can last from one slip to many more years of drinking. Second, there are underlying issues at the root of his drinking that will have to be dealt with once be does have control of his addiction. Are you going to stay for that too? Third, your needs to stay and support his efforts are not really your job just because you love him. In fact, he will never truly feel your love if he cannot first love himself. And abusing alcohol is the exact opposite of self love.
Furthermore, I feel that all relationships are mirrors; they reflect things within ourselves. It is why we are "addicted" to this person... Anyway, my heart goes out to you! It IS painful to let go. I hope you can sit back and really imagine what you want for your life a d know that you deserve it.
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