First Court Date
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
This has been a long-term resentment for me also. My ex(es) both have a lot more money at their disposal than I do, and the kids looooove to have all the goodies and aren't really familiar with the value of a dollar yet.
A couple of things:
Like your babydaddy, my babydaddies don't have money because they worked hard, they have money because they are children of privilege and because their parents don't have any boundaries or reasonable expectations about their children's behavior. Both are in their mid-to-late thirties and regularly take handouts from their parents to supplement their incomes, if they have any at all.
By contrast, I've worked my butt off, working 2-3 jobs at a time off and on for many years. I was deeply entangled in my parents' finances for a long time, but for the first time ever, I am 100% in charge of my own life and money. I own my car, I pay my insurance, I pay all my bills, I don't take handouts, I paid for Christmas. Getting here was a MAJOR component of my recovery. I still work two jobs, sometimes three, but I don't have to worry about anyone else's opinions or feelings about me, because I don't need them to live my life.
Their entanglement in their family's business is unhealthy, and you know it, they don't. It will reap terrible consequences in their lives because their families are the ultimate enablers.
Family courts don't really care about how much money a dude can waive around. They want to know who has been the primary caretaker, whether or not they've provided the necessities for the child (food, shelter, clothes, stability), and why another party wants to yank the caretaker's rights, and if those claims have any factual basis. The court wants to know if you can work together and be adults about caring for the child together.
My first ex really liked to waive his money around. It was grating on my nerves and made me feel sad about myself and my life and my inability to get my son the things he wanted. With my XAH, he just lives in his parents' house. It's a gilded cage, you know? They bought DD3 her own iPad. At first I wanted to tear my hair out, but it's out of my control.
I do a lot of free and cheap things with my kids. The library sees a lot of us. We check out books and movies a lot (movies are a big hit, my library has all the damn princess movies). I used to take DD15 to the coffee shop when he was little. I would get a cup and a cup of steamed milk for him, and we would read and color together. Under $5. We ride bikes a lot. It was expensive to buy the bikes, but now that we have them the maintenance is almost nothing. There are tons of good bikes on Craigslist, and you can get a bike cart or seat for the little one for cheap. It's good exercise, time out in nature, and it's good for the soul. It doesn't have to be biking though. Recently we've been hiking, which I've discovered is basically just walking around outdoors. Ha. It's actually been kind of fun bundling up and being outside in the cold, seeing birds and ice and deer. I'm lucky we have some interesting trails where we live. Trails are free! The other night we bundled up and went on a walk through the neighborhood after dark with a flashlight. Listening to DD3, you'd have thought it was the coolest adventure we'd ever taken! OBVIOUSLY she was the flashlight manager.
IME, are botanical gardens are usually free. You and DD should go look at the lights yourselves. Or make your own lights outside with a flashlight.
Food-wise, I got really good at making lentils and beans. They are delicious and both of my kids love them, and they're cheap as heck. Great for cold weather. Learning to cook was really fun and important for me. XAH was a chef by trade and liked to put down and correct my cooking. Today I bet I could cook him under the table on at least a few items. Baking at home is nice when it's cold out. I always have the thermostat set low, so a day cooking with the oven on is nice. Not too expensive either. When DD15 was little, we baked once a week.
When it comes to money and things I'm largely unsentimental anymore. It's a tool like any other tool. I buy and sell stuff all the time, and "flipping" items has been a reliable resource for me for money over the years. I got interested in fashion because I got good at finding cool old stuff at the thrift and resale stores and reselling it at a higher price -- jewelry, clothes, furniture, knick knacks. My house is 100% furnished with used items, and almost all of my clothes are used and thrifted. It's greener, it's cheap and sometimes fun, and it gave me a weird insight into a "gray" retail market, where everything is bought and sold cash outside of the tax system. Not all my money has to go to huge corporate conglomerates now.
Your ex is awful, and barring some major change of heart, he will always be awful. You need him at the moment, but you won't forever. This is all temporary. You have choices and can empower yourself to do bigger and better things. Remember the tortoise and the hare fable? He thinks he's won the race, but you and everyone else that matters knows he's not capable of running the race without a financial sponsor and all the enabling strings that come tied to it. It's really sad, actually, because for all his privilege and smug insistence that he's going to come out on top, he has no wisdom or perspective about what makes a happy relationship work.
A couple of things:
Like your babydaddy, my babydaddies don't have money because they worked hard, they have money because they are children of privilege and because their parents don't have any boundaries or reasonable expectations about their children's behavior. Both are in their mid-to-late thirties and regularly take handouts from their parents to supplement their incomes, if they have any at all.
By contrast, I've worked my butt off, working 2-3 jobs at a time off and on for many years. I was deeply entangled in my parents' finances for a long time, but for the first time ever, I am 100% in charge of my own life and money. I own my car, I pay my insurance, I pay all my bills, I don't take handouts, I paid for Christmas. Getting here was a MAJOR component of my recovery. I still work two jobs, sometimes three, but I don't have to worry about anyone else's opinions or feelings about me, because I don't need them to live my life.
Their entanglement in their family's business is unhealthy, and you know it, they don't. It will reap terrible consequences in their lives because their families are the ultimate enablers.
Family courts don't really care about how much money a dude can waive around. They want to know who has been the primary caretaker, whether or not they've provided the necessities for the child (food, shelter, clothes, stability), and why another party wants to yank the caretaker's rights, and if those claims have any factual basis. The court wants to know if you can work together and be adults about caring for the child together.
My first ex really liked to waive his money around. It was grating on my nerves and made me feel sad about myself and my life and my inability to get my son the things he wanted. With my XAH, he just lives in his parents' house. It's a gilded cage, you know? They bought DD3 her own iPad. At first I wanted to tear my hair out, but it's out of my control.
I do a lot of free and cheap things with my kids. The library sees a lot of us. We check out books and movies a lot (movies are a big hit, my library has all the damn princess movies). I used to take DD15 to the coffee shop when he was little. I would get a cup and a cup of steamed milk for him, and we would read and color together. Under $5. We ride bikes a lot. It was expensive to buy the bikes, but now that we have them the maintenance is almost nothing. There are tons of good bikes on Craigslist, and you can get a bike cart or seat for the little one for cheap. It's good exercise, time out in nature, and it's good for the soul. It doesn't have to be biking though. Recently we've been hiking, which I've discovered is basically just walking around outdoors. Ha. It's actually been kind of fun bundling up and being outside in the cold, seeing birds and ice and deer. I'm lucky we have some interesting trails where we live. Trails are free! The other night we bundled up and went on a walk through the neighborhood after dark with a flashlight. Listening to DD3, you'd have thought it was the coolest adventure we'd ever taken! OBVIOUSLY she was the flashlight manager.
IME, are botanical gardens are usually free. You and DD should go look at the lights yourselves. Or make your own lights outside with a flashlight.
Food-wise, I got really good at making lentils and beans. They are delicious and both of my kids love them, and they're cheap as heck. Great for cold weather. Learning to cook was really fun and important for me. XAH was a chef by trade and liked to put down and correct my cooking. Today I bet I could cook him under the table on at least a few items. Baking at home is nice when it's cold out. I always have the thermostat set low, so a day cooking with the oven on is nice. Not too expensive either. When DD15 was little, we baked once a week.
When it comes to money and things I'm largely unsentimental anymore. It's a tool like any other tool. I buy and sell stuff all the time, and "flipping" items has been a reliable resource for me for money over the years. I got interested in fashion because I got good at finding cool old stuff at the thrift and resale stores and reselling it at a higher price -- jewelry, clothes, furniture, knick knacks. My house is 100% furnished with used items, and almost all of my clothes are used and thrifted. It's greener, it's cheap and sometimes fun, and it gave me a weird insight into a "gray" retail market, where everything is bought and sold cash outside of the tax system. Not all my money has to go to huge corporate conglomerates now.
Your ex is awful, and barring some major change of heart, he will always be awful. You need him at the moment, but you won't forever. This is all temporary. You have choices and can empower yourself to do bigger and better things. Remember the tortoise and the hare fable? He thinks he's won the race, but you and everyone else that matters knows he's not capable of running the race without a financial sponsor and all the enabling strings that come tied to it. It's really sad, actually, because for all his privilege and smug insistence that he's going to come out on top, he has no wisdom or perspective about what makes a happy relationship work.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
