Jane11

I haven't posted in a while again because my head is just a huge mess. I've been reading and trying to pick myself up but I can't seem to do it.

Last post I made was about him ending it, he was offered a place in rehab but didn't want to attend due to no contact with me, he had been sober a few weeks, not seen each other for a few months and just the same cycle of him saying it was different, one minute I felt like he understood all the harm he had done the next no, one minute he loves me the next hates me.

I saw him last week after months of being apart because I miss him so badly. He told me (and showed me because I was dubious) he was going to AA was feeling more positive and I know it was probably the worst thing to do to see him but I just wanted to be with him again. The day was ok- a small argument at night about him wanting to look in my phone as he is very jealous and paranoid as we have not seen each other. I feel the same but try and control it. This was resolved but then to cut a long story short I received a voicemail (absolutely nothing to it) but this sent him into a spin and when I was back home he drove himself and me insane with going over it and going into threats of destroying people last lives because he said I was doing something and not telling the truth.

To be honest I have not told him the truth about everything I have been doing in his absence but i have not cheated or done anything of this sort at all because I love him. I haven't been truthful about some bits of work I have been doing for a family member as I know how his mind works and he would jump to many conclusions and this would lead to threats etc and I wanted to wait until he was in a more stable mindset to discuss everything- I'm not sure if that makes sense but to me it did. I didn't want to risk him causing anymore harm to my family or people they know when I have been doing nothing untoward that would affect the relationship in any way. But previous reactions he has had to things scare me.

We have had some good conversations where I felt like we were getting to understand each other and what the other wants and needs but now its all back to square one and he has drank again. When I visited him I remember him telling me that he was concerned we would have a fight and that would make him drink and now I feel like the fight he caused was just an excuse for that because he felt the urge. It seems like no matter what I say he will twist it and thinks I have been lying and cheating on him (which makes me think the same about him) so I just can't do right for doing wrong. Yes I want us to both be completely truthful about everything and I see that keeping even small things that are irrelevant to me back makes him go into a spin but from his past behaviour of threats and abuse I feel like I have no trust and he is such a loose cannon that anything I say and do will be twisted and used against me anyhow.

It makes me wonder is he cheating himself, does he actually love me? He tells me and told me when I saw him that he loves me so much and he can't cope with it sometimes and he has been working with an alcohol specialist trying to control his urge to control everything as he realises that it is pushing me away- some conversations have been productive but then I feel like its just saying what I want to hear because not hours or days later he is going literally insane over something and accusing me etc etc to the point he has now drank again.

He just keeps repeating the same 'you lied' to me as he has been online doing research looking at things apparently from what I can gather which I find quite scary, he also tells me that he can find out anything (he is technologically quite clever). He will break every computer law to get the truth- is this normal for alcoholics to become so obsessed?
I have read so much and often think he has a mental illness aswell but when sober he is so well put together, very intelligent and in part I actually think fools specialists with this. I have discussed the mental issues surrounding alcohol abuse with him and that his drinking stems from mental things he needs to change and he agrees but actually never seems to follow the mindset change through and doesn't see the need for more help than he gets.

The fact is like I said I may have not been totally open and honest about some details but this is because his past behaviour and what he has said and done means I feel I can't. I have simply said to him that when he can communicate with me normally then I will speak but I can't go on like this. He just repeats I have lied, I don't even acknowledge what that has and is doing to him etc but the fact is I do but while he behaves this way I just don't know what to do?

I know he has drank again, apparently been arrested. He got the AA book and went to some meetings but didn't seem struck on going to regular meetings as he doesn't buy into the god side of it. I spoke to his mum when I saw him and and she said she spoke to a professional and they said rehab would maybe not be the best option for him as he wouldn't cope with being cut off but it seems like he can't get sober with no help and he can't seem to see that.

At some points I have been doing well and telling him I can't control him he needs to take responsibility for his actions (seems like the last drink binge is because 'I lied') and I have been thinking about me an what I want and need. But in amongst all this I can't stop thinking about him. Whether its worrying he will go and be with someone else or whether its worrying is he going to die alone in the cold somewhere or what will he do for Xmas and new year as his mum doesn't want him in the house if he drinks again and he told me he spent the whole period alone last year as she was with her partner and all other family busy and drinkers and he didn't want to be around it. I know I will spend my whole Xmas and new year just in bits about him and that will in turn ruin my families time.

My friends and family seem to have just given up on me and I can't blame them they have their own issues. My best friend said I need to get a grip its just ridiculous which I know it is but its not that easy. My family just say cut him off he doesn't love you and move on. Again not so easy and very painful to hear. They have helped and I am so grateful to have them in my life but at same time I feel like some things that say add to my guilt about everything- like I am choosing to have all these thoughts in my head when I don't have to. I can't just wave a wand and get them out I wish I could.

I'm constantly conflicted with thoughts of how bad he has treated me and my family, they worry daily I will go back to him and his abuse, and I can't communicate with them because I just don't think they understand. I actually feel like I am going mad and I've been stuck here for so long, I am a broken record no wonder people have given up.

One day I might be ok the next I am a wreck and just want to sit and cry. I need to register with a doctor as I haven't been able to work steadily because of it and now income is tight but I don't even want to leave the house to do this. On a better day I have contacted a councillor who I need to arrange a first meeting with but haven't yet had the energy.
I have looked at al anon timetable in my area but the problem is they are all far away and I don't drive- is there any other way than meetings? I brought the al anon book and have started reading as well as a book on letting go but I am just so up and down my head is a mess.

I feel as if I have got to grips with the fact that I cant control his illness and it is his choice but I can't get to grips with the fact that he is just going to die alone full of remorse and regret somewhere if this is the path he chooses- yes its not my responsibility but how can I erase memories of that? How can I also erase the what ifs of if he got better and found someone else and does he even love me or is this all some sick game?

I still feel guilty that he started to drink again when he met me, after a while sober because he couldn't cope with the feelings of the relationship etc because he loves me but then another part thinks don't be so naive how can be love you if he treats you like this and he could have relapsed at any time right?

Its insanity to still want this man to be part of my life, I know my friends and family may never accept him but I do love him. I can't stand the thought of his life being like this and he has no support and can't seem to think clearly himself. Am I to blame for his relapse because he wasn't ready for a relationship? Is it really love on his part? I do feel used to some extent as I gave him money support etc but if he was just using me after only seeing each other once in months wouldn't be have just moved on and found someone else? Just constant questions.

I just feel so alone with it all and am dreading Xmas and new year with my family and also thinking of him. I just don't know what to do or where to turn.

Part of me wants to move on, part of me doesn't. I know I don't want to feel like this anymore but I don't want him to feel like this anymore either (yes I can't control that) but I still think it.

I just feel like its been months and I am making no progress and everyone is sick of me. I could go NC but I almost find comfort in any contact I have from him as at least I know he is still alive.

FeelingGreat

Jane you are really enmeshed in an inappropriate and dangerous relationship, as your BF is obviously mentally ill. You know this, but how do you get away?

I suggest you make counselling your first priority, whatever other economies you need to make. If you can't extract yourself on your own, then seek help.

I sympathise with your F&F; if it were one of my children struggling, I'd be both worried and exasperated. You're losing them, while getting more involved with this alcoholic who is not engaged in recovery and has a dangerous obsession with controlling you. You say at one point that he's not like that when he's sober, but the day he was checking your phone he had been sober for a few months.

Please get away from him; even if you have to move.

ubntubnt

Hi Jane, I am sure there are many on this site that can give you a more articulate and better thought through piece of advice but I really think that you need to put distance between the two of you. It is doing neither of you any good. Your (ex)bf seems really messed up between the drinking and the stresses of life, the relationship with you included. He probably does not have a mental illness but he is not thinking straight either and the alcohol is likely a big part of this. The obsessiveness about you cheating is also a part of the whole alcoholic fudge that he is struggling with. I really think you need to stay away from him for an extended period while he builds a sober life. See how you feel about him then and see how he feels about you then......

redatlanta

Hi Jane11 - I am sorry you are having so many struggles with this relationship.

I think it would be best for you to do some research into what happens to victims of Domestic Abuse. There are several members on here who can give you more information than I can they will chime in shortly. The mindset of what happens with someone who has been abused is what you are demonstrating. A love for your abuser and the need to help that person I believe is referred to as Stockholm Syndrome. Understanding that what you are feeling is not unusual, in fact common in those abused, I believe may enlighten you as to why you are doing what you are doing. Have you ever contacted a DV hotline and spoken with a councilor? This is something that could be done confidentially and at no cost.

In the interim I do have to suggest that for a period of time you limit your contact with this person in as much as you are able to.

To answer your questions, no you are not responsible for his relapse. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it.

No, stalking, threatening, abusing, manipulating, and lying is not love. That he is still around and hasn't "found someone else"….well, honestly you don't know what he has been up to just as he is not informed (and shouldn't be) of what you have been up to during your separation. An opportunist is called that for a reason - the opportunity presents itself and they aren't going to pass it up.

Amy55 has a lot to offer on this subject and I am sure she will hop on this thread and offer some guidance.

Lots of hugs to you, I am sorry you have been dealing with such a difficult situation. There is light at the end of the tunnel, it does not have to be like this.

LexieCat

Hi, Jane,

I'm sorry you're going through all this, but you are in a dangerous situation with this man. Stalking and obsession is NOT "normal" alcoholic behavior. It IS "normal" ABUSIVE behavior. I have worked in the field of domestic violence for many years, and there are so many scary signs in this guy it's hard to know where to begin.

I hope you will call the DV hotline and/or your local women's shelter and ask to talk with an advocate or counselor, who can give you more information and help you assess the dangerousness of your situation. This is NOT a safe relationship.

Alcoholism is a totally different issue than abuse. Not all abusive men are alcoholics, and by no means are all alcoholics abusers. But neither one are situations you can fix. And simply quitting drinking won't make his abusive personality go away.

Hugs, please talk with someone who is an expert, who can give you some real guidance on extricating yourself safely.

Jane11

I spoke to his mom and another one of his family members earlier. They both want him to go to rehab. Part of the time I think his mom actually only wants this so she can drink in peace at home- she's not an alcoholic to the degree he is but I would say more of a functioning one.

She told me she has had a barring order on him so he can no longer enter the house. I know in some ways this is what needs to happen and he needs to be left out in the cold for him to see sense maybe but actually as I hear the wind and rain outside I am crying thinking he could literally die if he is left outside. Other members of his family don't live that close and wouldn't have him in a state which is fair enough but I am distraught at the thought of him literally freezing to death outside. Then the thought comes into my mind that he could have found someone to use for a safe place to sleep and that just makes me physically sick, then back again to thoughts of him all alone, not able to contact anyone as his phone is dead, he hasn't eaten in days, it's freezing outside....it's so painful to think of it all it physically hurts.

SparkleKitty

Jane, this is extremely unhealthy, obsessive and codependent behavior. I'm not chastising you, but I read in your posts an underlying belief that this is what love looks like. In my experience, this is nothing close to a loving healthy relationship -- certainly not with another person, but especially not with yourself.

He is not a helpless child. You are not his savior.

hopeful4

Jane, I am very concerned for your safety and well being. If this was your daughter, what would you tell her?

Please, stay safe.

amy55

Hi Jane,

I'm sorry that I did not see this before. After reading what you wrote, I had to read it a few times to make sure that I didn't write this.

I was very much like you. I couldn't stop my head from talking to me all the time. The thoughts kept coming, but I was going round and round in the same circles, but I couldn't stop it, because thats what I got use to.

I can see very much in what you write, that you know the right answers but you can't seem to stop yourself.

For me, the reason I got like this was because I was always walking on eggshells, I had to think about everything before I said anything, and no matter how much I thought about it so that I could say things correctly, it was always wrong. My mind became just focused on saying things the right way for my own survival. I had given up all thoughts of me and my happiness except for thinking if only I can say things the right way, then he won't be so mad at me, then he won't drink, then he will love me again ,etc....

I became afraid to leave my house, I was feeling so much shame that it was like if I saw someone outside, that they would see this all over my face. I didn't want for anyone to see me so beaten down. I would wait till I knew my neighbors weren't around so that I could walk up my driveway to get the mail out of the mailbox.

I don't know if I would suggest alanon for you at this time. I would suggest a DV support group and therapy. I did go to them, I also went to a psychiatrist because I thought I was crazy. I wasn't able to shut those "voices" up in my head. (His voice). I was diagnosed with PTSD, panic attacks, and anxiety. Much like Stockholm Syndrome.

I'm here for you, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and you are not crazy.

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy

AnvilheadII

his own MOTHER has a restraining order against him.

jane, this is a VERY sick man.....dangerous and mentally unstable. he's threatened you and your family, repeatedly. he has NOTHING to offer you. NOT ONE THING. except abuse and violence and heartache.

get some help so you can learn how to stay away from him, and to find out WHY you find yourself attracted to someone who is so unhinged.......

amy55

Jane,

I also meant to say before, thank you for your story. I think that it's very good that you are getting this all out, and not isolating.

I do hope that you consider this as "your place to go to". I won't tire of hearing things from you. You need to talk to people for validation.

When I was going through this, I know I sounded like a broken record. I stopped calling most people, or I just wouldn't talk about it. I have a really good friend. I know I went over the same things over and over, she never once said to me, I heard this already. She just encouraged me to talk. I don't know how she knew that I needed that, she was never in an abusive relationship, so I really don't know why or how she knew what I needed. She gave me the validation that I needed. It took me a long time to accept that, but she just stayed with me.

I had a really big fear of rejection and abandonment. The push/pull that my ex put me through was really unbelievable. I wasn't able to process this. I'm more of a science person. I needed answers, and I wanted answers. I researched everything, and I analyzed every conversation/fight over and over in my head. Always thinking I was the one who was wrong because of how I said things. Always listening to his critical comments on me. Always trying to change myself, after all, I can only change me, not him.

I totally understand why you would omit telling him things, that is not lying, that's self protection.

I just really want to welcome you to the forum. Some responses may make you want to run and hide, just remember they are being said because we love you. Some things may seem harsh to you, but for now, take what you can, and leave the rest. I had to do that also. Thing is the stuff that I left, I didn't really leave. It stayed with me till I was able to handle it better. What I mean by that is take the advice here and the hugs and validation here that you can, sometimes we can just store some of the other things in our heads in a box until we are ready to open that box.

You're hurting now, and I can feel your pain. I just want you to know that I will be here for you, and I have no problem with you taking things at your own pace.

Hope to talk to you soon
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

Jane11

Hi,

I feel terrible as I am only now just responding. But I want to thank you so so much for your responses and support. I haven't posted as I have been mainly reading other posts, wondering if and when it's appropriate for me to chip in as it's crazy that I read some and think I would say this or that but I feel like a complete fraud as I am still stuck in an abusive cycle myself so who am I to even advise. I guess support is how I respond. Just telling people like you tell me that I am there and it does get better. Maybe again I feel like a fraud because I don't feel like I will ever get over all this.

Since I last posted I think he has been living back with family (surprise surprise they just let him keep treating them how he does and forgive it) which I actually feel is one of the problems that he has always been forgiven so easily for his horrific behaviour that it doesn't seem like an issue to him anymore and because I am finally saying no enough is enough I am of course public enemy number 1.

He's again gone between being nice and telling me he's trying to explain what he wants to do to get sober (not follow a programme from what I can gather but so it himself) and passes the blame and responsibility back onto me saying I need to change my behaviour, stop being so stubborn, listen etc for this to work. The fact is when I tell him that I've done all that and I'm actually through listening because it's always the same BS then like a normal person he just doesn't seem to get that. I apparently need to drop my guard and stubbornness and be in a position of vulnerability so it can work because ultimately me being how I am makes him more stressed and causes him to drink??!! I'm sorry but how many more times do I have to drop my guard, go see him, be vulnerable and it's the same BS- again explaining this to him is futile. There is only 1 persons point of view that he sees and that's his own.

I find it more disturbing that he doesn't even remember what he says to me via messages when he's drunk (or not so he tells me which is a blatant lie). He will call me a c*#t, my family the same, tell me it's all my fault etc etc yet appears to be like "ok" if I say anything about this like he actually doesn't remember. I think he doesn't remember and doesn't want to as he used to have an obsession in the past with why I would screenshot horrible things he said and send them to him and always say we should wipe our conversations and start fresh- yes because then it's like he never actually said any of it! Does anyone else have this experience? He's told me he knows that he has a vile tongue and he's shocked when he is told what he's actually said but I don't know if I even believe that anymore.

After he said some vile words to me I blocked him, of course then he wants to know why and tells me if I don't call him that's it he won't be calling me. I said ok your choice. He has of course continued to call me and message me through another avenue but I haven't called him.

The contact between us has become less over the past week and it's truly heartbreaking if I am honest which seems ridiculous because why would I want contact to just be called names and vile threats and accusations made? I guess it's just the thought of the finality of it being done, never seeing each other again, always wondering what if etc. plus it's Xmas and I myself feel really down and just worry about his state of mind.

Ironically after a string of abuse he messaged me asking when he would be seeing me for Xmas. I replied not at all unless you start to make some progress and commit to some stuff yourself. Of course he won't but has told me now much I've hurt him, nobody can understand why his gf (previously he's ended it over and over) won't see him for Xmas- for some reason I feel like I have to defend myself to his family but they've seen exactly how he behaves so surely he's just chatting BS with this right?

He then within the space of a few hours said he was out buying me Xmas gifts and then later that he was making a music video and if I wasn't gonna be around he was gonna have to get another girl to be in it because he needed a shot of a girl in stockings climbing across him. I know WTF but this SERIOUSLY hit my buttons like he probably knew it would and I ended up messaging him back raging about how sick he was and that it made me sick because I had underwear and such at his and he would probably have someone else wearing it (I was really upset about these comments he made and I know it's insane and probably sounds pathetic but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it).

I mentioned it to my friend and she called it out as major quacking and said something along the lines of he's doing it to manipulate you to be like oh don't do that I will come see you, and also he lives with his mum, has zero money so who's he gonna get to make this video with him etc etc. I do think it's BS or at least I hope because yet again he's "wrote a song for me" which he sent me and I assume this is the video he's talking about making. Oh btw when I didn't really have any feedback on his song he hit the roof- I told him I was unaware that an unfinished song (done it before) wiped the slate clean of everything.

So anyway he's apparently livid that I won't spend Xmas with him, one minute saying he's gonna have such a **** time and I've hurt him beyond belief with this (oh sorry cos you've done nothing to me have you that's hurt) and the next telling me how he intends to enjoy it and he's gonna destroy it for me. The last few messages I had yesterday have just been "ok" responses when I've told him it basically is a case of he brought this on himself and before that just nasty messages about how he cba talking to me anymore he hates me, I **** him off that's why he drinks etc. I've heard nothing from him since last night and like I say I know I should be relieved and part of me is but I'm also sad.

He doesn't deserve my thoughts and sadness but I know the whole Xmas and new year period I will be thinking of him and what he's doing, is he depressed and drinking and lonely or is he off with another girl etc. just wish I could go back to a time before meeting him but I guess many others here think that and sadly it's not possible.

I know I need to start thinking of my own life especially with new year coming and maybe I am putting that off I don't know. My current living situation is with a family member who is having her annual melt down (exact same job/bf issues as last year) and I am finding it hard to be around her as one minute she's fine and then next she is massively woe is me. I don't want to diminish her issues but from past history she has the same issues year on year and also always seems to bring stuff up if I am hitting a bit of a rough time. She's been good in some respects and I am very grateful but in other respects she makes comments that are often snide and I think doesn't really understand the situation so makes sweeping statements that make me mad and will say things like I don't need to understand x y z it's as simple as this (insert general stating of annoyance here).

I think I am mixed between anger and sadness at the moment and being around her really doesn't help but as it stands I don't really have any other options.


Anyhow that is for reading, I'm not sure if I am actually making any progress or infact still in the same place as the title says. I'm not sure what progress looks like maybe. I am right now however fighting with an overwhelming urge to send him a message saying that I hope he has a good Xmas and I'm really sad it had to be this way etc etc nice things thinking he may be really down but then I think wtf why do I wanna be nice he doesn't want this to work or he would be doing something about it.


Grrrr why am I so annoying even to myself!

FeelingGreat

Jane, he's a dangerous obsessed abuser and you should be running in the other direction. Of course he's not making a video!

If at all possible block all contact with him. You're just too hooked to resist when he pushes your buttons, and he seems to do it whenever he's bored. Have you done some reading on abusive relationships and co-dependency? If not, why not start looking around for any info you can find?

You have great self-awareness and you are struggling against him, but non-contact will make it much more effective.

hopeful4

This is the answer. I am sorry, I know you are hurting.

XXX

atalose

Keep reading that paragraph over and over and over again. Only add the words ME and his family keep forgiving….so his horrific behavior doens't seem to be an issue for him.

Glad you are beginning to say no, now you just have to learn to mean it.

It takes time, keep moving forward and stop looking back.

His verbal assaults and nasty text messages can stop anytime you want them to – all you have to do is block his #.

Jane11

Thanks for your responses.

FeelingGreat it made me smile a bit that you commented I have great self awareness as it seems like I feel so down on myself it's nice when someone says something positive so thank you. I have read information about abusive relationships both on here and by other research and I have started to read an al anon literature and also looked at codependant books I could download. I would like to go to an actual al anon meeting but I don't drive and most are too far from me. I think that some of what I have done already is helping me in some way, or at least I hope but I struggle with the frustration that my friends and family just expect me to simply get over it quickly and move on and don't really understand like you here do. Part of me thinks I would really like to meet someone else and other loose friends I have that are just aware I have been through a break up and not details take the stance of just get a new bf like they have- move on. And I would love to do that but I don't think I'm in a sensible place mentally to do that now. I wonder how soon others moved onto a new relationship after something like this ans how their experience affected the new relationship.

Hopeful4 thank you for your words. I don't live with him or in the area anymore and although I'm not really happy in my current living circumstances I keep reminding myself of the constant drama that broke through moments of peace when we were together and anything has to be better than the huge drama, fear, worry and walking on eggshells.
I have looked into councelling and this may be something that I pursue in the New Year. I do feel that some of my relationships like family have suffered and I am deeply hurt and feel guilty about that as I love my family but I also think as I start to move forward and process this 'experience' I am maybe gaining better insight into my actual relationship with myself and family- although I do second guess my judgement. I feel as if I am very different from my close family, in my thoughts and feelings and general outlook on life and also that some of the relationships I have with close people such as my sibling have very much been based on jealousy and rivalry and almost making me feel less adequate which is maybe why I felt it acceptable to stay in the relationship I was in and why I feel that I would like a partner to make my own family in essence and someone who understands me and my values and who I am. I'm not sure if that makes sense sorry.

Atalose yes you are right I know I have allowed his behaviour and enabled it one too many times and that makes me as bad as them. I feel as if I am learning to say no but the part I struggle with is the what ifs and how it could have been different as we seemed to have so much in common, really want the same in life (although obviously not as he chooses drinking over the future), but again I think as I said above this stems from me wanting that deep connection and understanding that potentially I've never felt with the people who should be closest to me- my family, and this time of year especially makes that difficult.

I haven't heard from him all day and I have resisted the urge to message him although admittedly I did message his mum to wish her a happy Xmas as I wouldn't be seeing her. I mentioned above that I felt my need to defend myself and maybe that's why I did that I don't know.

I know I will think about him and wonder what he's doing, where he is, with who etc and I feel sad for that and I so desperately want to be with him and be happy, but I know happiness is short lived sadly and as I told him it's up to him now to make changes and actions and I guess if he's not ready for that I need to stop wasting my time. Easy to say harder to do.

Atalose you are right I need to keep moving forward and stop looking back but sometimes I feel as if I am not moving at all and wonder when a day will come when thoughts of him don't come into my mind, things don't remind me of him, I can listen to music again and not think of him etc etc.

I think my family are very defeatist towards me and don't recognise that it's been a huge step for me to move out, move city, see him only once in months, now slowly limit my contact and say no. I tend not to tell them things even if they ask as when I do it seems like it's only used against me in some way later on and sweeping statements and generalisations come int play, like I mentioned above.

I am very thankful for this place where I feel like I can not only write and people understand, will listen and offer words that are meaningful back, but also through other peoples posts I can find answers or information or just a little bit of strength.

This whole experience has changed my life, like it has for everyone here and sadly I think that has created a greater distance between me and some people in my life as they do not and do not want to understand it whether I try to explain things or not.

atalose

“What if’s” are usually made up of wishful thinking or gloom and doom worse case scenarios.

Try and remain not back there or not up there ahead of time, just stay in the moment of today.

Ending are hard, it’s natural to think of what they are doing, songs that remind of us happier times with them – all of that is very natural and the things we need to feel in order to accept it and move on. It’s when those feelings become overwhelming and we then reach out to the most unhealthy person we know (them) to help us stop our pain. It becomes a vicious cycle and one where healing can never happen .

It sounds like in some ways your relationship with him was similar to those with your siblings like with the jealousy and making you feel less adequate. We gravitate towards what’s familiar until we understand better or learn the difference between healthy and un-healthy ways to approach life.

You say you want a deep connection with someone but an active alcoholic could never be that person no matter how much you try and convince yourself of it. And even if he stopped drinking today, went to rehab for 30 days and got himself involved with AA. He still has years and years of pain to address, deep issues to resolve. The drinking is usually the tip of the iceberg, it’s getting all that stuff underneath worked through and that may or may never happen.

amy55

deleted post.--- I was trying to insert my wording into a post and it didn't come out right. Will try again later. Sorry, I need computer classes. lol

amy