Soberintexas007

I have copy and pasted an article from Psychology Today which summed up what I have been trying to say. Al-Anon was saying that I cannot control my husband, but I didn't quite feel this way (I believed I had some control). This article helped me find that word: I may not be able to control my husband, BUT I DO BELIEVE THAT I HAVE AN INFLUENCE!!!

The Power to Choose Rests with You

It is common for people to spend a great deal of time and resources trying to “save” their addicted loved one, only to discover that they do not have the power to beat someone else’s addiction. You can’t solve their problems for them. Lecturing, blaming and criticizing will only push them closer to their drug. But you can’t stand to hear the lies and empty promises or worry about their future (and yours) any longer. So what can you do?

You don’t have control over the addict, but you do have influence. It is often an intervention, an ultimatum or a refusal to enable that leads addicts to take the first step into recovery. You can also take control of yourself. Do the things you love and go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings to get educated about the disease. Keeping yourself healthy and whole is good for you as well as the person you want to help.

ubntubnt

yes I agree with this. You can't beat someone's addiction for them but you can be there to help and to be a positive influence. Often an addict can't see the woods for the trees as they are consumed by their addiction and but can help them to realise that they have a serious problem. But....they have to beat it. They have to want to kill their own demons and they have to be the one to go and do it.

ResignedToWait

I will respectfully disagree with this.

In my opinion, we have as much of an influence on an alcoholic becoming sober as we do trying to change the direction of the wind by blowing into it.

We might seem like we are making a difference in our small area of observation, but in the macro, our efforts don't do anything but make us tired, and with things unchanged.

It does provide hope, though, by thinking we can influence them. And maybe hope is just what we need for own own health and sanity sometimes...which is what we really need to worry about.

LexieCat

I'm sorry, but going on a cruise with him where he has said he intends to drink, and monitoring how much he has by controlling the money, is not simply "influencing." It is both enabling and controlling. "Influencing" would be not taking a trip you don't want to go on (you said you wanted to change the trip), staying home and attending your meetings and getting stronger while he does whatever he intends to do.

I know you have said this is your decision, and you have every right to do that, but you shouldn't fool yourself about what it is.

happybeingme

As a recovering alcoholic I have to disagree with some of this. My husband couldnt say or do anytthing to get me to stop my drinking. I stopped when I hit my bottom and surrendered. Period. My husband and I had 19 years of marriage when I did.

As far as influence. We dont influence each other much. Why should we try? We love and respect each other just the way we are. And at least when I try using influence I find it is much more effective to influence by modeling my behavior and not using words. Like with parenting. Using the " do as I say not as I do" technique doesnt work. Behaving the way you want your child to behave works. I think that is true in all relationships.

Have you looked at the forum Secular Connections for Friends and Family? Or whatever it is called here? They have an excellent discussion on CRAFT which may be more of what you are looking for.

Remember while AA and Al-Anon are probably the biggest recovery programs they arent the only ones. You may find a better fit for your recovery looking into other programs

MissFixit

A couple things.

1. Alcoholism progresses. "Influence" does not last. You take on the role of nursemaid or enabler or both. Alcoholism is not a rational thing, you cannot out think it.

2. Mental illness is screwy. Just when you think you figured out "how" to handle someone mentally ill and maneuver within those confines, everything shifts.

Trying to rationalize what you want to happen in this scenario will not make it so. There is a good bit of denial about your ah. Some people need to keep getting burnt by the hot stove to learn not to touch it. You might be one of those folks, if so, stock up on self care remedies.

Hawkeye13

The bottom line is you are trying to control him.
You keep using the arguement that he was able to vacation and drink in the past, but
you still haven't admitted that his drinking aggression has increased in the last year so you are not at all in the same place you were when you took vacations in the past.
He has physically threatened you since then. He has gotten angrier and more aggressive towards you in other ways, to the point you were living with your family to try and manage his anger.

Alcoholism is progressive. He has progressed.
Two weeks of not drinking is not sobriety.

I agree with others he is setting up for a relapse--don't be surprised if his "I want to drink" date moves up to include a few drinks at Christmas, or New Year's, or he goes ahead and sneaks some with people he works with.

You cannot and will not be able to dictate his drinking habits long-term, nor is it healthy for you or your relationship to try.
But you are clearly going to do what you want in this situation as is your right--however, please know that what you are doing is Control and not Influence. Big difference.

Sending you a hug--this must be so hard to deal with on a daily basis JB

freetosmile

I would have to say that the influence you think you have is contradictory to your actions and words. You are not laying down ultimatums for him. You have consented to him drinking on the cruise. You have enabled him to smoke pot 24/7 because it makes YOU feel better. So IF and there is a big IF you do have an influence over him, you are not following the advice of the article.

freetosmile

to add another thought to this- the article actually is talking about (in my opinion) how by helping yourself, doing your own recovery, setting clear boundaries will influence him. So it's kinda one of those lead by example things, IMO.

hopeful4

I believe you can encourage a person. That line often gets mixed up with enabling a person. HUGE difference.

Even though my X and I are divorced, I still encourage him in certain ways. However, I don't enable him in any way like I usto. You can encourage a person to do their best and be their best, but without boundaries for yourself that you are willing to stick to, it quickly turns into enabling.

Just my .02

lillamy

That was going to be my suggestion, too. That approach is very different, but it might be a better fit for you. I'm not saying "stop posting here" -- you are very welcome, but it seems like you often feel a need to justify your choices to us. You don't. You make your choices, because it's your life. We share our experiences and point out where we think your approach isn't one that would have worked for us.