Can this be "blamed" on alcoholism?
 

I have hit a brick wall and don't really know where to turn, so here I am. I need some new light on this whole situation. I guess I'll start from the beginning and I'll try to keep it short if there is such a thing.

He is my friend, known him most of my life. He's always been a little crazy, the type of crazy that everyone finds charming and somewhat endearing. Then the day came when he went off the deep end and started down the highway to hell, which as you all know, isn't so charming or endearing.

Now he's been clean and sober for almost 2 years but I feel like we are on some kind of emotional highway to hell of our own. We aren't dating. But we aren't not dating either.

The cycle pretty much goes like this: Things are good. He takes me out on Friday nights and I hang out with the family on Sunday afternoons. I get hugs and winks and those sweet text messages that leave you feeling just happy-go-lucky!

But then things get dark. He gets annoyed or mad. Sometimes I know what it is (or what is bothering him that has nothing to do with me at all) but other times I have no idea so I'm left to analyze my every move. I get the silent treatment and the cold shoulder and it just makes me want to crumble to pieces because I feel like he doesn't even like me as a person.

He's told me before how selfish he is. He knows he's an a-hole. He knows his relationships with women are mess. <- Yes! He SAID those words.

But then some days it's this attitude of "I do what I want." He's actually said those words too. Somedays I am the selfish one who is acting crazy and he owes me nothing. AND let's not forget, that he is never, ever wrong.

Is this an alcoholic thing? Is this a trait or something? Because I'm really confused on how someone can be so grateful and then turn around and treat someone like this. Is it a control thing? Maybe it's not an alcoholic thing at all, maybe it's just the person that he is.

I used to think his ex girlfriend was crazy. But now. Now I see it. The push and shove, the love and hate. I can see how it can really drive you crazy! Because I mean, here I am posting my problems on the internet!
:tyou

I could not possibly tell you if this is an alcohol thing with him or not, but I can say that every minute you spend with this blatantly emotionally unavailable, not-relationship material man is a minute you could be spending getting to know someone who IS relationship material.

Sometimes you just have to accept people as they are and act accordingly.

I think it sometimes easier to "blame" drinking for what may be underlying personality issues that may be more obvious when one is drinking but not the underlying cause.

This person doesn't sound like someone you can grow happily old with, does he?
Who knows what causes this kind of behavior--however, only you know what you can live with on a daily basis.

Good luck

Yeah, I think it's basically irrelevant at this point whether it's the alcoholism ("dry drunk") or his basic personality. Or both.

Whichever, he doesn't sound like relationship material to me, either.

I guess it could be just his personality and how he has learned to be. Addiction runs in his family so the issues go back awhile.

Growing up in a addicted family is really harmful for "normal" emotional development.

I grew up in one also and became alcoholic and full of anger myself.
Took many years of hard work to begin to undo it.

I don't think I would take this on if you are still early enough in to step away.
You can't fix it, but you sure can suffer for it.

You might several articles on this site interesting, but I linked to this one for a reason...

THE MALE BORDERLINE - Surviving the Crash after your Crush

My ex is master of push shove. Sweet sober and a total jerk when he's back drinking.

Isn't there a belief out there that drinking is only covering a symptom or something.

It was hard to hear that hour guy thinks that way about him self.

So why don't you believe him? It doesn't sound like a happy relationship, has no potential, so why are you still hanging on? I recommend Alanon, which helped me see that what I called love was really need. And that it was my denial and rationalization that kept me in the sick treadmill.

I have tendencies in similar directions. It took getting into alanon to start recognizing them and acting differently. The behaviors have been with me since I was a teen, sometimes more prominent that others but always there. I have some ACOA stuff from childhood which I suspect is much of the basis for it but that will come out more as I work thru the 4th step.

I don't think he'll change unless he chooses to- for me things got darker and nastier the more stress I felt.

Behaving like an a-hole?

Classic alcoholism!!!

I find myself going through the SAME thing with my A. He gets mad for some reason that I don't even know...won't tell me why, just pissed as hell. I sit around and think and think and think on what I could have done to make him angry. I literally walk on egg shells. And if he is admitting to you that he has problems with relationships, I would take that seriously!!
My AH told me when we first started dating: I love beer and if I ever go back to booze we might as well just break it off because booze is always my number one love. And I don't want that to drag you through that.
I didn't really take it seriously and the codependent in me thought I could "fix" him. I was so wrong and it has taken me down a road that I'm am really struggling with.
Hugs!

Personally- no, I do not think these things can be blamed solely on alcoholism. The real problem is: what are you missing out on while you are on this merry-go-round?
It was a really strange feeling after I asked my AH to move out and started to notice things (things that were right in front of my face all this time) that were so beautiful or funny or amazing. Things I had been missing because I was too swept up with drama (is he angry? Is he going to come home? Is he drinking? Draining the bank account? And on an on)
Yes, there were some good times. But as co-dependent people I feel like we line up for these little morsels of happiness and excuse-away the bad behavior. I honestly think you are a way more interesting person than he is. So spend some time thinking about why you are settling for this relationship.
Sorry for the long winded response.

what drives THEIR behavior is NOT the issue at all......why WE put up with it is........

What AnvilheadII said. Every pot has a lid..... so what are WE doing to change ourselves so that we are in healthy relationships?

I can only say that my A isn't like that at all so no, I don't think it can be an alcoholism thing that would go away if he got sober.

But whatever it is, it's there, it's real and it's hurting you. He's not going to change so you need to decide if you are getting what you need from this relationship and if not what to do about that.

I have to agree with Anvil here. The question is not why he behaves the way he does, the question is why you feel you need to try to figure it out and remain in this relationship?

And that's not an accusation, it's a real, honest-to-God question. It's a bit like... trying on a pair of pants that are on clearance, and they don't fit, and the color is totally wrong, and the zipper doesn't work all that well. Don't try to make them fit. Don't try to change yourself to make them fit. Just find another pair of pants. Unless... unless of course you feel like you're not worth spending full price on a pair of pants that actually fit?

I think it isn't related to the alcohol addiction.
It is a separated issue and if the person ever recognizes it, it should be dealt with separately from alcoholism.

My ex was/is like this, but I have met many other alcoholics who aren't.