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Imagine this .....

Old 08-03-2004, 11:31 PM
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Imagine this .....

Well my ex sober now b/f made his way back into the house. The cops couldn't find him to serve him his restraining order. He came home, against my advice. Here we are us and my 2 year old son. I am miserable. I get so angry when he comes around. He doesn't understand. He has been sober for 2 weeks. He thinks things are on top of the world. He doesn't care to communicate with me. He watches TV and I get on the computer. He was really nice for a few days. Which he usually is. Then tonight he called me the famous Bitch name. Hugh I hate that. the only thing that has changed is he doesn't drink anymore. I cann't trust this time he will stay sober. I think the only motive is he wants the house. It is in my name, he has bad credit. He put the sum of the downpayment down. I have decided for my health. WHen I am around him I can hardly breathe weird feeling. Has anyone else experienced this feeling? He can have the house I am moving. I think the situation is unfair. But life isn't fair. I have been looking for an apartment today. When I tell him, I am moving. He is really gonna be surprised. I cann't live in this struggle anymore. I want to relax and enjoy life. I am going to pack our clothes. Get a blow up matress and just start from scratch. I am not sure what his reaction will be. I suppose he will have to get his driver liscense back now and start looking for a full time job the bills will be on his shoulders not mine. I think I can manage on my own. it will be hard but o so relaxing. Any advice on how to handle this situation I do love him,,,, I cann't live with him....I get frustated of not being loved in return....It will be hard to stay away...I cann't continue to YO-YO ...with this relationship. mary
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Old 08-03-2004, 11:45 PM
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Hi Mary.

Um... hadn't you better sell the house? You won't be able to count on him making payments and then your credit will be just like his. Until you can do that... the police will be able to serve him if you call and say "he's here". As much as escape tempts you, if you can't afford the bills for two households you stay... he goes.... until the responsibility for the mortgage is LEGALLY not yours any more.

But I know how you feel. Sometimes we think we want peace at any cost. Look carefully at cost.

Hugs!
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Old 08-04-2004, 05:48 AM
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It sounds like you are overwelmed...not the best time to make life altering decisions. And running is not really an answer. Wherever you go, there you are. All the feelings, confusion, anger, resentment etc. are going to follow you.

Formulating a plan can also be calming.
Hugs,
JT
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Old 08-04-2004, 06:36 AM
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Mary,
Go see a lawyer. Find out what your options are. It will only take an hour or so. You're willing to give up everything you've worked for so what do you have to lose?
Hugs - L
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Old 08-04-2004, 07:48 AM
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I really thought things would change if he quit drinking........I thought everything would be just great......I blamed everything on alcohol......I know for sure that alcohol just complicated things more.....Until he really gets the help that he needs he is not going to understand the whole picture of things.....

It has taken me a long time to realize my part in all of this mess.....It took me even longer to see that I am just as unhealthy mentally as he is......I would always think to myself........(I dont drink, I am not mentally or physically abusive, I make great money and hold down a steady job, I am a very involved mom, I keep my house clean, I cook almost every night) on the outside it looks like I am doing everything right and everyone always says to me I dont know how you do it.....and your kids are just so well behaved......

Inside I was miserable, becoming very resentful of my Ah.....and not even knowing it (I was becoming resentful of my kids).......I always did everything for everyone and I didnt get the respect that I deserved.....I think I taught my own kids that it is okay to walk all over mom......that my feelings didnt matter........

I want my family and my friends to know finally...........guess what I matter......and I am going to start taking care of myself and get the help and the therapy I need to give me the tools to work with......so I can learn how to take care of me...........

Funny isnt it........I know how to take care of everyone else and make sure there needs are met........and I dont know the first thing about taking care of myself and making sure my needs are met...
 
Old 08-04-2004, 09:35 AM
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Marblack,

You do have options, why don't you see a lawyer before you do anything?

You have the kids right? Usually the mother and child aren't expected to leave the house. Smoke is right, you can't leave him in charge of the house payments.

Ngaire
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Old 08-06-2004, 10:36 PM
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I'm trying ..

I'm trying to just hang in there. I was going to wait a few days before I made a move. I just really want to dump this house on him. I cann't stand the negative energy here. I have poured myself into work. Working 56 hours a week, when we are together we cann't stand each other. Tonight I told him I have to be at work at 8 o'clock monday. His reply was what does that mean to me. Then to back it up is your broom double parked???? We cann't even talk to each other. Tommorrow he is having his company picnic. I told him if he couldn't respect me at home. I had a problem with playing a charade infront of his co-workers. He told me he could careless if I went or not. My reply was I have to deliver you since you don't have your drivers Liscense. It drives me nuts. He can get his drivers liscenses back after years of DUI's. He doesn't want to deal with the hassel. I really need that apartment and a good massage. He has been going to AA but his attitude is overwhelming. Do you ya'll have any advice? Mary
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Old 08-06-2004, 10:49 PM
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Mary,

I found this site http://www.divorcesupport.com/ which seems to have many links with a lot of information about your rights. I agree with Lorelai that it would a good idea to call an attorney, even if you don't do anything but just gather information and talk about options.

I also suggest you get that massage tomorrow!

Hugs,

Marci
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Old 08-07-2004, 06:50 AM
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Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I tend to isolate and try to handle things by myself. That is the time that I get my butt to a meeting. We are powerless over what the alcoholic will do. There is no guarantee that they will not drink and there is no guarantee that they will change. Al-Anon has taught me that I don't have to wait for everyone else to be who I want for me to be happy. If I focus on my recovery, I can begin to find happiness from within. I don't have to be a victim any more. I could never have made those realizations on my own, and I can easily forget them if I try to do this on my own. My group and my sponsor support me. People can always tell us what to do, but learning to make my own decisions, and be responsible for my own happiness has given me the self esteem and self worth that I was missing for most of my life. All it took was being willing to reach out and go to meetings. The rest just fell in place as I was ready. I gave the steps my best effort. I began to apply the slogans to my daily life. I began reading the literature for guidance. I began new healthy relationships with people who understood and supported me. I began to heal. I committed to stay with my husband for a year while I worked on my recovery in Al-Anon. I realize now that I could have married the healthiest man in the world and still been miserable, because happiness doesn't come from the outside. No one could fix what was wrong with me but me, and I couldn't do that alone. At the point we are at when we get to this forum, what have we got to lose by giving Al-Anon a try? What can it hurt? Hugs, Magic
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Old 08-07-2004, 07:25 AM
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Marblack,

I can totally understand how you are feeling but why cut your nose off to spite your face by moving and leaving him with a mortgage in your name? He;s not going to take of it and you will pay the consequences. You can have your apartment after you get that settled.

Ngaire
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Old 08-07-2004, 07:27 AM
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If you really want him gone, he can be gone.

Ngaire
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Old 08-07-2004, 09:02 AM
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Mary, can you pack his bags and change the locks? Don't do it if the consequences of it are not going to benefit you. Like if he gets physically agressive, or smashes anything, you do not need to go through anything like that.
Remind him and tell him he is not happy and it is best for him if he leaves. Is your baby OK? You need to think about the baby, too, do what is best for you and the baby. It takes much courage, but it is within you. You will come through this and be a better person, you are strong!!!
Laurie
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Old 08-07-2004, 09:20 AM
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He told me he could careless if I went or not. My reply was I have to deliver you since you don't have your drivers Liscense.
No you don't. You don't have to do ANYTHING you don't want to do. He is not your responsibility. Do what you need to do for you and stop worrying about what HE needs or the mess he has gotten himself into.

It's your life - live it well.

Hugs
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Old 08-09-2004, 08:58 AM
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Ann is right. Marblack look at him as an intruder in your life, you don't have to do anything for him only for yourself.

Ngaire
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Old 08-09-2004, 10:28 AM
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Marblack-

I understand how good escape sounds..... but, kick him to the curb and redecorate and keep your credit good. A massage is alot cheaper than moving so get your massage......
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