Kids left some interesting news slip..........

Old 12-08-2014, 05:31 AM
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Kids left some interesting news slip..........

Kids were with AH over weekend and last night they were talking and let some things slip. Apparently Saturday night they went to a b-day party for one of AH's friends, that was connected to a bar. (banquet hall??). Well AH must of had plenty to drink because they stopped at Turkey Hill on way home and AH got into arguement with someone, then almost ran into a pole turning on the street he lives. Daughter said she was shaking whole way home and had to tell him to stop cause he almost ran a redlight. Now they beg me not to say anything because he tells them they can't be telling me. I haven't said anything to him yet. Not sure how to handle this. Any suggestions???
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Old 12-08-2014, 05:35 AM
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If he has been drinking tell the kids to NOT get into the car with him and to call you IMMEDIATELY to pick them up. I went thru. this last year with my kiddos tho. I'm not separated from my AH. I stopped allowing them to ride with him. Since your situation is a little different tell them not to ride with him if he's been drinking and to call you. You might want to call a lawyer too and see what options you have. I know more great advice will be coming your way...hugs...that is so scary for you and the kids.

This may or may not be helpful (because I haven't listened to it yet) on 'Have you experienced danger?' from Alanon: http://al-anonfamilygroups.org/Podca...rienced-danger
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Old 12-08-2014, 06:43 AM
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What a scumbag. Driving drunk with your children and then putting them in the middle of a conspiracy not to tell you. Thank goodness they weren't injured by his brainless, selfish behavior.
You are going to have to step up and protect them. Make sure they know that their dad is an adult who is responsible for his choices and that they did the right thing by telling you. Make sure they know NEVER to get into a vehicle with a driver who has been drinking. Give them a way to contact you or someone they trust for a safe ride home.
This just makes me see red. So sorry your children experienced this. Now, what are YOU going to do to protect them in the future?
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Old 12-08-2014, 07:01 AM
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I asked them why they didn't call me, they know there dad would get irate and no one else was able to. I have told them numerous times not to get in the truck with him. Im tempted to tell him no overnites on weekends if he cant act like an adult.
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Old 12-08-2014, 07:09 AM
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myfreedom, even though they've begged you not to tell him, I don't think you have any choice. I can understand that, when the time comes, there's a lot of pressure on them not to make a fuss and just hope for the best, which means not allowing them to be put in that situation.
Can you imagine him running that red light and the whole car being collected by a truck?
It's not just the DUI and endangering his own children, it's also the shocking fact that he tells them to keep it from you.
Really strong action required from you. He's been lucky so far, but it may not last forever.
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Old 12-08-2014, 07:19 AM
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Originally Posted by myfreedom View Post
I asked them why they didn't call me, they know there dad would get irate and no one else was able to. I have told them numerous times not to get in the truck with him. Im tempted to tell him no overnites on weekends if he cant act like an adult.
You are both putting your children in the middle of this and effectively making them responsible for the other parent's behavior.
Don't be tempted to tell him anything. Call a lawyer. Protect your children. This is not something you and he are going to settle by going back and forth endlessly playing the alcoholic/codependent blame game.
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Old 12-08-2014, 07:20 AM
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What do I tell him? What options do I give? I know he will deny all of it and say that he wasn't even drunk. Im angry at him for even doing this to them.
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Old 12-08-2014, 07:20 AM
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Not sure what advise anyone can give you regarding your AH and driving drunk with the kids in the car. It’s a given, he’s an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do, children or not.

Trust your gut and I hope you have your children in counseling to help them deal with the position of unintentionally being placed in the middle.

My initial thoughts are, I wouldn’t address this past weekend’s incident until the next time they are supposed to be in his care. Say something along the lines of, last time they spent the weekend with you they were upset being in the car with you after you had had a few drinks. Maybe if you have plans that include drinking its best the children just stay here with me so you can do your thing.
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Old 12-08-2014, 07:23 AM
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler View Post
You are both putting your children in the middle of this and effectively making them responsible for the other parent's behavior.
Don't be tempted to tell him anything. Call a lawyer. Protect your children. This is not something you and he are going to settle by going back and forth endlessly playing the alcoholic/codependent blame game.
I do not have money for a lawyer. There is some aide but not much helping in these situations that I know of. I have called around before. And no, we will not settle this on our own because we can't agree on anything.
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Old 12-08-2014, 07:27 AM
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Originally Posted by myfreedom View Post
I do not have money for a lawyer. There is some aide but not much helping in these situations that I know of. I have called around before. And no, we will not settle this on our own because we can't agree on anything.
Call several lawyers and find the one that will give a free consult to see what you can do. It would be a good start. Perhaps call Child Protective Services and consult with them too explaining your situation and how you can't prevent it when they are not in your care and are in his care. CPS won't take it lightly hearing that a father is driving under the influence with his children. They may show up at your childrens school to ask them questions, or to your home, and if so they should be matter-of-fact honest.
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Old 12-08-2014, 07:40 AM
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myfreedom, it's a bad situation that you can't afford a lawyer. There may be come community resources available to help. You could call into the police station and discuss it with them; you may get lucky and find someone willing to help. You might be able to find pro-bono services online. Someone else has mentions DCS. I'm not sure how it works in the US, but here you can go to your local Member of Parliament's office. The staff often have list of community resources, as well as some influence with agencies.
As for him denying it, well the children told you about it which makes them witnesses. Can you get through to them about the seriousness of the situation? Make an arrangement that they can text you once their father starts drinking away from home, so you can collect them before he attempts to drive?
Hope you can work through this.
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Old 12-08-2014, 07:42 AM
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Originally Posted by myfreedom View Post
I do not have money for a lawyer. There is some aide but not much helping in these situations that I know of. I have called around before. And no, we will not settle this on our own because we can't agree on anything.
If he hires a lawyer PA legal aid will help you. In PA you can file for custody on your own with some paperwork at the courthouse. My ex did it without a lawyer so legal aid in PA wouldn't help me. If you file for custody then he hires a lawyer, then PA legal aid would assist you.
I ended up having to bite the bullet and put the legal fees on my credit card. My lawyer is working to get the case dismissed in PA (ex's home state) so I can file in IA (my state of residence) with help from legal aid here. I have an appointment there later this morning.
There's many a slip between a cup and a lip. You may feel stuck, but there are options if you look into it.
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Old 12-08-2014, 07:46 AM
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What I had to do was to say that my children would not get into a car with him if he had been drinking OR WAS ACTING ERRATICALLY IN ANY WAY. That took care of the whole denying the drinking thing. I also have it in my divorce decree I can test him at any time he has our children.

You need to take your kids to counseling so they can build up the strength to address their father. If they are scared of him and won't tell you he has been drinking, you are done. I took my kids to counseling for someone else to get through to all of them that you cannot get into a car with ANYONE if they are drinking or acting strange, under any circumstances. Early on, we had to use this too. He drank and they refused to get in the car. They called me immediately on cell phones I supply to them and I came and got them.

Get a counselor who specializes in helping families with addiction. Also, speak to your attorney.
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Old 12-08-2014, 08:04 AM
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I know he will not pursue custody because of his record and he knows he will not win. Yes legal aide would represent me if he would take me to court because I had PFA's on him, otherwise I make too much money. I am looking into some Pro Bono services right now.
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Old 12-08-2014, 08:05 AM
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Originally Posted by myfreedom View Post
I asked them why they didn't call me, they know there dad would get irate and no one else was able to. I have told them numerous times not to get in the truck with him. Im tempted to tell him no overnites on weekends if he cant act like an adult.
You need to figure out if you are tempted enough to tell him before or after he seriously injures or kills the kids. Do not let these children accountable on whether or not they ride with him and ask them why they did it! Ask yourself, WHY am I allowing this man to do this?! Be their voice! He doesn't care enough to keep them safe. He's not caring enough about their feelings and any possible pain n suffering he could inflict on them. STOP CARING ABOUT HIS FEELERS! He doesn't have any while drunk!
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Old 12-08-2014, 11:15 AM
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Are you already divorced? Is there any sort of custody agreement in place? I'm assuming this isn't the first time this kind of thing has happened. I am in a similar situation (my kids are very young), and I can tell you what I am doing: documenting every time he puts them is a dangerous situation (that way, if he ever pulls the "I'm not letting him see the kids" card, I can show why) and then, just not letting him see the kids w/o supervised visits (with the supervisor approved by me). I have basically had 2 toddlers and a 7-year old by myself for 1 year because of it, and I am tired, but it is better than putting the kids in an unsafe situation.

I think it also showed me what he would/wouldn't fight for. I told him no kids unless supervised, and he never even contacted me for supervised visits. So. I guess what I am saying is - do what you think you need to do to keep the kids safe. Because, chances are, his drinking and being mad at you will be more important than actually fighting you on it.
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Old 12-08-2014, 11:37 AM
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I think no overnights has to be a given. His options could be going out to lunch or something on the weekends wherein you drop them off and pick them up at the venue? Or supervised visits only? It just cannot be worth your children's safety to not put your foot down and stand up for them. Imagine how uncomfortable it must be for your kids to try to stand up to your AH. Until they can find that courage, you need to be the parent and do it for them.

CPS is another good option, I think. They can help to make things very clear, legally, to your husband and kids.

I know they don't want you to talk to him about it, but it's really important to not turn a blind eye. Demonstrate to your kids that we do not enable people by keeping their secrets, and we do not allow someone to put us in danger, ever. Be the example of strength these kids need. It's hard for kids to stand up to a parent, and even harder to be in the middle of disagreeing parents. As much as we want to have them equipped with the knowledge to protect themselves (I.e. Calling you for a pick up), it's more important that they not be in the situation at all. That lies in the role of the protector (YOU)!
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Old 12-08-2014, 12:20 PM
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Originally Posted by LittleBirds3 View Post
Are you already divorced? Is there any sort of custody agreement in place? I'm assuming this isn't the first time this kind of thing has happened. I am in a similar situation (my kids are very young), and I can tell you what I am doing: documenting every time he puts them is a dangerous situation (that way, if he ever pulls the "I'm not letting him see the kids" card, I can show why) and then, just not letting him see the kids w/o supervised visits (with the supervisor approved by me). I have basically had 2 toddlers and a 7-year old by myself for 1 year because of it, and I am tired, but it is better than putting the kids in an unsafe situation.

I think it also showed me what he would/wouldn't fight for. I told him no kids unless supervised, and he never even contacted me for supervised visits. So. I guess what I am saying is - do what you think you need to do to keep the kids safe. Because, chances are, his drinking and being mad at you will be more important than actually fighting you on it.
I do have a journal started, it goes back to 2009. We are not divorced and there is no custody agreement in place just a support order.
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Old 12-08-2014, 12:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Katchie View Post
If he has been drinking tell the kids to NOT get into the car with him and to call you IMMEDIATELY to pick them up.
Good advice. The fact is - it doesn't matter who the driver is... tell your kids that they are NEVER to ride with someone who has been drinking and that they are to call you for a ride, day or night, regardless of the circumstances.

Tell them this applies to Everyone and at all times, it has nothing to do with your ex, and everything to do with their safety. Make sure they have the ability to call you whenever they are in a situation where this may occur.
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Old 12-08-2014, 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted by myfreedom View Post
I do have a journal started, it goes back to 2009. We are not divorced and there is no custody agreement in place just a support order.
Then tell him no more unsupervised access to the children. If he wants to fight about it in court then legal aid will have you covered due to his history of abuse.
This can't be about appeasing him or preventing him from being angry or succumbing to a guilt trip from him. It has to be about protecting your children and he is clearly willing to endanger them without a second thought. You are not the one being unreasonable. He is.
Take care of yourself. Take care of your children. He is a grown man and these are the consequences he is incurring.
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