Butterfly

DD had contact with her dad tonight for about an hour, she told me he seemed really depressed and that he would like to be here on Christmas morning but doesn't know if he's allowed?? I reminded DD that it was her dad who said he didn't want contact with me, she's 20 so is at an age where is able to know certain information.

Now he's where I am confused, we had arranged a few months ago that he would come round to see them open their presents but then he told me he didn't want any contact with me and he wanted a divorce. That was 4 weeks ago and I have t contacted him since!!

So do I contact him and discuss Christmas Day and let him know it's ok to come over? I'd rather he didn't but I know the kids would like to see him or do I leave it and see if he contacts me? I'm not playing a game with him to see who breaks first but I feel I have done all I can to support him with his contact with the kids and his addiction and to be honest I'm fed up sorting everything for everyone I don't see why I should sort out him anymore? Does that sound selfish, I honestly don't know how I feel about this or what to do!!

I kinda think that if he wants to be here so badly he should be the one to make the effort given our last conversation also I'm not sure if I do contact him if I'd be strong enough to not ask questions. I don't know if he was trying to manipulate DD into feeling sorry for him and getting her to find out?

I really don't know what to do. Please help

Butterfly

Sorry double post

mejo

No. He is a big boy and he made big boy decisions. Let him continue to reap the rewards of those decisions.

SparkleKitty

He's triangulating, sounds like. Very popular dynamic in families that have lived with addiction. Family member A tells family member B something about Family member C, so a neutral party can handle the confrontation. This is so bad in our family that I generally have to end conversations about fifteen minutes in.

If he is not feeling welcome, he can contact YOU instead of using your daughter as a go-between. This is a manipulation tactic to keep him in the victim role and turn you into the abuser. Please try to resist jumping into the cycle, butterfly. Hugs and strength.

Butterfly

I'm trying not to lol. I told dd that if he wanted to come on Christmas morning he would have to contact me and arrange it but I guess I'm second guessing myself now as to what is the best response. I don't seem to trust my own judgements!

dandylion

Butterfly, a responsible father can contact you and make his desire to be with his kids on this occassion, known--FOR THE SAKE OF HIS CHILDREN.

It sounds to me like he is "milking" the situation for his own benefit....I can hear him screaming "Victim!;Victim!" all the way across the Atlantic Ocean!

Yes, he is triangulating; passive aggressive; deflecting, etc., etc, etc,.....LOL! He is using the whole book.....LOL.

dandylion

theuncertainty

Oh, for pete's sake. Does he want a red carpet laid out for him? His fragile sense of inclusion coddled and warmed and bolstered for him? ... Sorry.

Butterfly, it's not your job to manage his relationship with his kids, it's his. Nor are you his secretary to remind him of upcoming meetings and obligations. I do feel like his convo with your DD was an attempt to manipulate... maybe a play for pity on her part, but, through her, manipulate you.

LexieCat

No wonder it's hard to trust your own judgments. He's gaslighting you, reinventing history.

If he wants to come over, let him call you up and ask.

lillamy

Not just yes, but hell yes.

SeriousKarma

What you think of as "selfish" might just be your survival instinct kicking in. Trust yourself, Butterfly.

NWGRITS

Trust your instincts. Your DD is old enough that she can go see him if she really wants to. Hold your ground here. He's just triangulating.

LeeJane

Big big thanks to everyone for this thread. Exactly what I needed to read and absorb today.

I will apply it to my life.

FeelingGreat

Our family used to do this a lot but I never knew what it was called before(thanks Kitty). I say 'used to' because at some point we siblings decided we wouldn't pass messages on.

Butterfly, it's best for everyone if you ask your DS & D relay messages that should be said directly to you. Too much room for manipulation right?

Butterfly

Thanks everyone I did feel that it shouldn't be me to sort this and if he wants to be here it's up to him to speak to me but I wasn't sure and I wasn't sure if he was manipulating DD or not. One thing I don't want is for my kids to be angry with me and thinking that I wouldn't allow him to be here on Christmas morning! I did tell DD after she told me what he said, if he wants to be here it's up to him to contact me he's the one who doesn't want any contact with me! Although the distance has been good for me, time and space right!!

I've never heard of triangulating that's a new one. Thanks.

Thank you everyone