Cleo1234

i want to cry at the unfairness... Had a 18 month relationship with my xabf. The last 9 months he lived with me and my 11 year old son. We broke up 3 months ago! I must have paid about 10K in helping him during this time. From his car payments, money he needed to borrow, grift for his 2 girls, car repair, entertainment, court money and the list goes on and on and ON!!!

He only got a job 2 months before we broke up.. and i recently found out that he got fired a few weeks ago. Well, only 2 months after we broke up he was already living with another girl. I got a call a week ago from the place he makes his car payments asking me for a payment ( they called me since i was the one making the payments for so long) he was 3 months behind. So today i decided to call them back to ask them to remove my name from the account and they informed me that he came in today and paid his whole account off (about $3,500 )

It just makes me LIVID that he keeps getting breaks in life.. Im assuming his new GF paid it off for him, it doesn't matter. The fact is he got someone to give him the money. He has horrible credit and would not be able to get a loan anywhere. Im the one that got used and manipulated in the relationship and he gets breaks after breaks. I don't know why but this makes me SO MAD!!

When will he ever have to be responsible for himself. I guess in a way after we broke up i wanted him to realize how good he had it here and regret all the crap he did... but instead he's still getting his problems taken care of. Its SO UNFAIR!!!!

firebolt

You have a right to be angry. It sounds like you were used by someone you cared deeply for. I've struggled with anger a lot - anger at my A, and anger at myself for choosing him. I'm sorry he ran you through the wringer.

My only advice is not to let it eat you alive - IT CAN! You can feel it, and let it go, and forgive. Not because he deserves anything from you, but because YOU deserve peace and happiness. You've been away from him for 3 months, so you are well on your way!!

Take care of yourself - do something nice for you!

NYCDoglvr

In other words, he found a new enabler. I had a terrible relationship with an alcoholic that was so painful it sent me to Alanon, where I learned tool of recovery so I would never pick another one. I strongly recommend Alanon, it saved my sanity.

Hammer

Yep. Users tend to be . . . . Users. Go Figure.

I suppose you can be thankful he is gone?

I mean it could be worse, right? Could still be your problem.

CodeJob

Oh Cleo, I understand this anger.

"When will he ever have to be responsible for himself. I guess in a way after we broke up i wanted him to realize how good he had it here and regret all the crap he did... but instead he's still getting his problems taken care of. Its SO UNFAIR!!!!"

So you see in this statement you knew on some level that taking care of him might keep him under YOUR wing. At some level your anger is at yourself. You put out all this money and resources and caring and he's not with you. He knew the well or your frustration level or expectations were rising and it was time to find a new enabler.

I'd say a prayer you aren't married. I'd say a prayer you didn't have to deal with an A winding towards drinking himself to death.

Work on you. Figure out why you thought this was a good relationship with you the one almost always giving. This relationship was just 18 mo, so why is your membership from 2004 here on SR? Is this a repeating pattern?

Wilderness

I understand! I just recently moved in with my ABF (soon to be xabf) because I'm pregnant. We both work jobs where we are laid off for the winter and use a bit of unemployment. I normally find winter work, but because I'm about to pop, I'm not going to work (who's gonna hire a huge prego lady who can only work for a month before needing maternity leave??!) HE was supposed to pay the bills. Well guess who has paid the rent for the past two months AND has paid ALL of the baby bills so far, plus everything else?! You guessed it, ME! I kicked him out and he is now at his mom's house (I love the woman but she is an enabling queen so it's probably not the ideal learning situation) sleeping until noon or later and not doing a damn thing. So I'm stuck with a new place where the rent is significantly higher than my last place plus W/S/G...It makes me want to vomit I'm so mad. I feel your pain. I'm so glad you got out months ago! Like Firebolt said, don't let it eat you...keep taking care of you! Just be secure in the knowledge that YOU are a GOOD person and are capable of being in a healthy and beneficial relationship when the RIGHT person comes along. Hang in there! Someday we'll look back on these hard times and see the lessons learned...

LexieCat

The last two men I was involved with were similar deadbeats (and only one of them was an alcoholic) and yeah, I spent thousands of dollars supporting both of them (and that's just the monetary support, never mind all the emotional and other non-economic support).

It took me two times to learn my lesson, but learn it I did (finally). I have no one to blame, really, but myself. I could have stepped away at any time. I wasn't being abused or threatened. They took advantage, but I allowed it.

I said buh-bye to the money I spent, realized how much happier I was without these anchors around my neck, and have a nice life for myself.

You can get there, too, once you decide to let go of your anger (which really CAN consume you if you hold onto it).

Cleo1234

I'm trying.. i hope to get there one day!

Cleo1234

Yes, true.. There had been so much damage done by his drinking and trust issues that it was un-repairable. I am angry at myself so giving him so much. I did it at the time becasue i really thought he was the one. I thought that once his drinking stopped that all our problems would be gone. I'll never know if that is true, because his drinking never stopped for long enough to feel content in the relationship.

yes its a repeat I got divorced from my sons father when my son was 1 years old. My ex husband had began to use Meth while we were married. He got clean a few years after we divorced. I joined the group at that time.

Cleo1234

I allowed it to. Since i got divorced in 2004 i hadn't been in a relationship and it was nice feeling wanted again... to boot with my self esteem issues, i allowed him into my life knowing full well he was an alcoholic.



A few months before we broke up, he wrote himself a check of mine for a few hundred dollars. I can still file check fraud charges on him... Should I?? I feel like i want him to be punished for this. Some say to leave it alone and some say the file.... Im so confused!!

LexieCat

Well, that's out-and-out theft. You could file charges, and the court would probably order restitution, but you might not see that for a very long time.

You could also file a lawsuit in small claims court. That would give you a judgment that you could execute on a little more quickly, at least if he has any assets at all.

What you need to ask yourself, really, is whether getting the money back is worth the emotional cost of going through court proceedings. I'm all for punishing crime (retired prosecutor) but the decision whether to file charges depends on what you really want to accomplish. I'm not discouraging you, necessarily, I just think you need to consider carefully what's best for YOU in the long run.

Cleo1234

Thank you, LexieCat! Even though i do want him to be responsible for it, i think i want to move on, more. I realize i would get no money back from him, as he has nothing. I was just possibly hoping he'd get jail time.

Appreciate your advise.

NYCDoglvr

Maybe it will help to look at it this way: you're letting him live rent-free in your head while he's off with someone else. Not someone you want to mourn very long! While I was very depressed and only wanted to isolate it helped to get moving. Fast walking, seeing friends, volunteering helped me move on.

maia1234

Count your blessings that he found someone else to mooch off of. It hurts but it would hurt more if you were still helping him out.

LexieCat

Jail time would hurt him, but depending on his prior criminal history and the laws of your state, there's a good chance he might get probation. As I said, your call as to how important it is that he "pay" in one way or another, but in terms of YOUR well-being, is it worth it?

Admittedly, I would probably feel differently if what he had done was to physically abuse you or physically hurt someone else. In that case it might be important for your own or society's sake for him to be held accountable. In the case of petty theft/forgery, though, bringing him to justice might just keep you more involved with him than is good for you. Time and energy spent on that might be better spent on healing yourself.

CodeJob

Hey Cleo, read HoneyPigs post of Language of Letting Go today.

Cleo1234

Thank you for the heads up... i just read it. I actually have this book, but have never opened it. Today that will change!

Cleo1234

You are very right! I do want to focus on myself and leave him to his own life. Its just so hard. Im feeling hurt and lonely and then other days I'm angry and want revenge!! But, ultimately i do want to only concentrate on my well- being.. so i decided to not go forward with charging him and let my healing being.

My biggest struggle at this time is romanticizing his new relationship. Wondering what they are doing together and if she knows he an alcoholic. I can't seem to stop myself from thinking about them.. I just hate it!!!

marie1960

There is nothing preventing you from having your own "happily ever after."

You just need to accept that your happily ever after, does not involve him. While you may be struggling today, rest assured, a better tomorrow is just around the corner. Take a huge leap of faith and invest in yourself, and it will work out.

Write this off, as a life lessoned learned, raise the bar for yourself, and make 2015 your year!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cleo1234

Thank You! ... I plan to. These past 3 months have been many up's and downs of emotions. Im ready to take care of me now.