A sister who can't handle much more of Addicted Brother and family issues
 

Now it's getting close to the holidays and there's pressure to go visit for Christmas!

Just spent 20 mins on the phone with my mum, she wants me to be there for Christmas Day. Truthfully I really don't want to be for two reasons; I'm in a great relationship and want to be with my boyfriend and his son and because I don't want to deal with the potential drama at my mums house.

My mother fully acknowledges that my brother is an addict and she can't control him and that he is not reliable (I infer sober) right now.

During our conversation she told me that she thinks he got high the last 3 times I visited them because he is uncomfortable around me and we talked this idea over. But after I got off the phone it hit me, she just blamed me for him choosing to get high! She's saying it's my fault, again! She said that it was out of character for him to get high. A month after my last visit she told me they were fighting because he was 'behaving badly' and that she told him he had to get out, stay somewhere else. I wasn't there, I wasn't planning to visit, I hadn't been there for a month, so, he does get high without me around, it is in his character to behave badly when I'm not there. I might be a trigger but I would only be one of 20 or 100 or 1,000 triggers.

I've had to listen to things like this for years. I'm so hurt and I feel like an outsider in my own family and this feeling is getting worse and worse. She must hate me so much to say things like that.

I know she is trapped and trying to do so much for our family but it's not my fault he gets high and it's not fair to suggest it is. I feel like she really cannot let all the blame fall at his feet. She can't really hold him responsible for his choices.

She's so worried that people think it's her fault and gets very defensive even when no one has said a word of blame to her. She is almost desperate for a scape goat and doesn't hesitate to blame anyone.

I feel like I will have to disown my family soon.

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. It's really painful. I have often said that it seems like the disease of alcoholism is like dropping a grenade in the middle of a family. It doesn't just tear apart the alcoholic, there's collateral damage too.

It's possible that your mother is feeling guilt and shame. Her defensiveness may be against herself, so she says things openly to try and convince herself (and others, but mostly her) that it isn't her fault. This may be to avoid the feeling of shame. It's a brutal feeling and many of his run from it as fast as we can. Deflect responsibility to anywhere else but ourselves.

She doesn't need any excuse whatsoever to claim that the disease is not her fault. And neither do you. No explanation at all.

You did not cause it, cannot control it, and cannot cure it.

The thing is, the disease will convince the addict in whatever way is possible.

Had a good day? I'll drink to that!
Had a bad day? I'll drink to that!
Sister coming by, feeling uncomfortable? I'll drink to that!
Stubbed my toe and it hurts? Maybe a drink will help.
Feeling anxious? drink
Feeling excited? drink
Pissed at mom? drink
FEELING anything at all? drink

I wonder if there's ONE single circumstance in THIS ENTIRE UNIVERSE that cannot be used to excuse drinking. Whether things are bad or good, up or down, left or right, whatever. Time to drink.

The reason is that there's a disease at play. Not even your brother is at fault for the disease. His only responsibility is to acknowledge the disease is present and to seek help (in my humble opinion - debatable topic!).

you're not alone in your feelings. Keep writing!

Family dynamics are the pits. Christmas should be filled with love and life. Tell your mum you wont be able to make it this year. You have a boyfriend and a little one to spend it with.