Butterfly

I havent heard from my MIL in approximately 6/7 months, no phone calls nothing she hasnt even been in contact with the kids unless STBXAH takes DS round so about twice he has seen her. DD has had no contact since the uncle's funeral.

Anyway today I received a missed call and voice mail from her asking me to do her a favour. She asked if I would get my kids their christmas presents, as I do every year and she would leave me round the money!!

Initally I was really angry I mean seriously she doesnt contact us nothing then she rings and asks me to this for her 3 weeks before christmas!!!

I really dont know what to think, is she just taking the P*** and only contacting me as she needs something or is this her reaching out? I dont know I kind of feel that she is contacting me as she needs something and I wont hear from her again until the next time she needs or wants something!!!!

What do you guys think??

AnvilheadII

maybe she's just being respectful of your space? trying to stay out of the conflict with you and your AH?

you said you buy the presents for the kids FROM HER every year....this year is no different.

Refiner

Wouldn't you have been more p***ed if she DIDN'T reach out and have you get them anything on her behalf as she's always done in the past? Then that says they are dead to her. At least this way she wants to remain in their lives. I wouldn't worry about it.

SparkleKitty

When in doubt, take things at face value. She is doing the same as she has always done, probably not with an ulterior motive, probably not considering the larger picture or how it looks or feels to you. People are usually a lot less conniving or working hidden agendas than we suspect.

That being said, if you are not okay with the state of your relationship, and feel the need to address that with her, try to separate it from this issue so you can be active instead of reactive, and you can consider what you really want from your relationship with her.

hopeful4

I don't really think anything of this. I always buy gifts for my kids for other people and they pay me back, it's easier for my mom and my sister.

Maybe she is giving you space? Have you contacted her?

Not trying to be crappy, just wondering what the rub is here. I see what you are saying about her contacting you b/c she needs something, but this something is for your children, so I don't see an issue.

Just my .02

Thumper

Exactly my thoughts.

dandylion

Butterfly....I agree with all the other posters. I would just take it at face value. I would get the presents for her to the kids.
After all--she is their grandmother. The kids will still love her the same as they always have.
I believe that it is important for the kids sake, especially, to not feel like they are "caught in the middle" of family feuds or bitterness.
The children will be watching how you handle these k inds of things--even if they never say a word about it.
You are their role model. Remember that you are the stable, sober parent!

dandylion

Butterfly

Thanks folks. Maybe I am reading too much into it. I know this is for the children but she hasn't even been in contact with them to see how they are!!

Maybe she has been giving me space I don't know and yes I have left several voice mails for her and she hasn't returned my calls.

dandylion

Butterfly....I realize that this may have triggered some immediate feelings of rejection that you have been feeling (from her son). So, I would say to let your emotions settle a bit..as you think of the bigger picture. Sometimes....oftentimes...we feel differently about things if we "sleep" on it for a couple of days.

Foe the sake of argument, if you will....Her son's actions have put her, as a mother, in a difficult position. She might be feeling that she does't want to "get in the middle". A difficult, split-loyalty sort of situation. She may feel very awkward...and, not know how to handle this, herself. She may be feeling sad about it, too.
Also...you never know what "spin" your husband may have put on this when he talks to her!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe, this is a first step for her to reach out to you, again....

I say...show her your better self. I believe that this is always the better way. You can never lose by being a mature, respectful person in your actions.

You, yourself, admit that you know that this is best for your children. Let it be about the children. Show them how a gracious and forgiving woman conducts herself.

Let them say: "My mother always walked in grace and beauty of spirit".

dandylion

Butterfly

I didn't respond straight away as initially I knew I was angry but that was my first response and needed time to think about it. I will contact her tomorrow and I will sort out the presents for her for my kids. And your right I need to be mature in my response to this, I just wish she would make contact with the kids and see how they are, that's not getting in the middle of AH and I that's her grandchildren they are more important

dandylion

Butterfly...I understand. I thought you would do the right thing (smile)....
Perhaps this will "break the ice" a bit between them.

Alas, we just don't have control over what other people do. (we can influence them, sometimes....especially by our example).

I gurantee that she loves them in her own way....and they love her in their own way, too!

I am proud of you, Butterfly for taking the higher road (even in this emotionally difficult time for yourself)!

dandylion

Butterfly

I do think your right and it has triggered feelings of rejection but not from him from her and the whole family but I guess this is what happens!

I know she loves them but she isnt showing it, I have thought for many years that the whole family are dysfunctional they tell everyone they love them but don't seem to be able to show it even to each other!!

Thanks dandylion

dandylion

Oh, Butterfly.....I do understand how it feels in your heart. I really do.
I think that you are showing insight into this. Perhaps you will be helping her in some way by your good example. Sometimes, this kind of dysfunction is several generations old. You can be the force to show your own children a better way!

You seem to have a kind and sensitive heart. That is not a bad thing....LOL!
I happen to think it is a good thing.....

dandylion

Butterfly

Thanks but sometimes it is taken advantage of and sometimes too sensitive lol

dandylion

LOL!, Butterfly. That is always a risk, I know...BUT, we learn when it is in our best interest to "protect" our heart.

I know that I have had to work o n that for many years!!!!

dandylion