megsykreeg

I'm still pretty new to this site... my husband is coming home soon from rehab. Drank after 5 years of sobriety. I want to get him something special for Christmas that shows him I support him in his recovery and that I've forgiven him. I bought him some clothes and a watch. I might have the watch be from my daughter and get him something else but I'm not sure what would show my support and love for him... any thoughts?

LexieCat

Is he in AA? Or will he be going? IF he is (and this would go over badly if he isn't), there are some nice AA Big Book covers that you can order. You can even get them personalized and stamped with his sobriety date (that right there suggests your confidence that he will KEEP the same sobriety date).

As I said, though, if he isn't into AA, he would be less than appreciative (and possibly more than a little ticked off by it).

dandylion

megsykreeg.....here is an idea: Give him a wife who goes to alanon. You will notice, here on the forum, that the marriages that "make it" seem to be the ones where both partners are working a program simultaneously.
It also helps make the early recovery period (the first year) more tolerable for both.

dandylion

megsykreeg

He is going to go to AA meetings. However, after going to one Al-anon meeting, I have decided that is not for me. Most of the woman there were very bitter and were not still with their spouses, but instead complained about all the messed up things they did while drinking.. It was very negative and I didn't like that. I've talked to him about and he actually agrees and would rather I not go to them either. I've gotten connected to a few ladies with my church who've been through it as well.

LexieCat

I'd just like to suggest you try more than a single meeting. Try a different group altogether. Every meeting has its own flavor, and even terrific groups can have an "off" day when people are in a negative place. It happens.

I went to some great groups with a good mix of people who had loved ones in recovery, some who were no longer with the alcoholic, some who were still with someone who continues to drink. I learned from all of them.

Seren

I don't think amends on his part or forgiveness on your part can be shown by a gift purchased at a store.

I'm so happy your husband chose to get back to a sober life. I hope that the two of you can work together on communication skills. In my opinion, honesty, transparency, and humility are recovery gifts you can give one another.

dandylion

Celebrate Recovery is a church-based group that you might feel more comfortable with.

I think that it is worth mentioning, at this point...that it is best if each keeps their hands ff of each other's program of recovery. Sometimes, referred to as staying in your own hula hoop or staying o n your own side of the street.

You can certainly decide for yourself what kind of support group that you want to attend. But, him deciding what you should attend or not is really him trying to stick his nose into your side of the street. Your recovery activities are for YOU...not for him.

This might be a new way of thinking for you, I imagine....but, there will have to be a lot of changes from the usual way of doing business......LOL!

dandylion

megsykreeg

He was planning on going to celebrate recovery as well. I didn't know they had something for family too. I'm still trying to decide how best to show my support for Christmas.

CodeJob

My RAH seems to really like daily readers. Getting into this habit of starting off the day right in a way he feels right with his world might be a nice gesture.

AnvilheadII

I don't think you should merge the two....his (very very new) recovery AND Christmas. if you want to give him some keepsake when he gets out of rehab, do that. but keep the holiday gift giving as it's own tradition.

FireSprite

I totally agree. I don't think this is the kind of support you can show with a physical gift; it's more about building trust & communication again. I'm also from the school of thought that recovery doesn't need to be rewarded. I show support by taking ownership of my side of the street & respecting his needs in recovery 24/7 (like time to attend meetings, juggling schedules when necessary, understanding what his boundaries are as far as triggers, etc).

megsykreeg

Thank you all. I think I will leave the gifts that I have for Christmas as is and get something for when he gets home next week.

Refiner

I don't think any "material things" can really show your support or appreciation. But maybe a nice one-on-one getaway with each other would be a nice touch to spend quality time together and celebrate life together. Like a Saturday night at a B and B in a quaint town and a nice dinner out.

Seren

^^^^ This....sounds delightful

CodeJob

This might be expecting too much from my personal world of disappointments.

hopeful4

Celebrate Recovery is a wonderful family program!

When my X came home I got a necklace engraved with the AA saying, To Thine Own Self Be True, or however it is said....


Kind of ironic now but I digress.....

megsykreeg

I thought of doing a night away but he has to return to work shortly after coming home and I don't want to plan a night away when he first gets home because I know he won't want to be away from our daughter. Unfortunately he works weekends and I work during the week.

daisy6234

Careful with "rewards". I was told "rewards" was the alcohol when they were active. They "deserved" it. I agree a good dinner and spending time together is the best.

MissFixit

I understand your thought behind wanting to give him a "gift" for being a good boy and supporting him. However, this scenario isn't like that. Addicts think differently about those types of things. He shouldn't get a reward for being sober. Just like you and I don't need rewards for being sober. In a nutshell, he has some internal work to do. As long as you involve yourself in HIS recovery work, it will impede him. I used to give little treats and rewards to show my support and I regret doing that stuff now. It belittled what he was doing and actually made his sobriety seem like a group effort or a group goal. It wasn't and I should have minded my side of the street.

Alanon will help you focus on your side of the street rather than his side. A normal relationship dynamic is different, however this is a relationship with an A, so things don't work the same that they would with a non-A.