Help me understand for my own sanity...a bit of a vent.

Old 12-04-2014, 10:08 AM
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Help me understand for my own sanity...a bit of a vent.

I'm so confused and angry. After well over 2 years of fighting because of the non-stop drinking, the promises, the lies, the disappointments, the hurt that sears your soul and the constant driving while drinking, I realized nothing was going to change and I finally worked up the courage to end it. His health has been seriously affected, his moods were intolerable and it's only a matter of time before something more severe happens. I pray it's just a DWI and that he doesn't kill himself or someone else driving in the state that he drives in, but I can't do anything to make him realize this.

I gave the ring back, called off the wedding and prepared myself for the pain that I was about to endure. He agreed that we're not going to work out because he won't stop drinking. Ok, fine, we're on the same page. It hurts like hell that alcohol is more important, but hey....that's what alcoholics do, right? He said he can't stop. He won't stop. He's only been able to go a few weeks at a clip without drinking and that was only because his doctor said that if he drank on the medicine, he'd become violently ill.

He took a weeks worth of clothes to his parent's house and said he'd let me know what time he'd be here to get the rest of his belongings on Saturday. I politely asked him not to contact me unless it was with a time for that day so I could have everything of his down in the basement for removal.

He knows my daughter is with her dad on Wednesday nights and this Friday, and I get this:

Wednesday: Hey, do you think I could stop over tonight to get my jacket?

I didn't answer - borrow one from your father. I mean, really?

Today: I'm so sorry. I love you will all of my heart and I'm so sorry I hurt you. This has hurt me too. You said we couldn't work things out, so I didn't know what to do. I told you I didn't want to break up. Dan said he can help me move at 8 am on Saturday morning. Do you think I could stop over Friday night to unscrew the bed frame so it doesn't take us so long on Saturday morning?

I said no, just get everything on Saturday, but REALLY? How long does it take to unscrew 4 screws? Do you not realize how hard this is for me? You just want to 'stop over' to get a coat and then to unscrew a bed frame? Are you kidding me? I just got back from having my doctor prescribe me anti-anxiety medication because I can feel my heart flutter and pound and I feel like someone is sitting on my chest most of the evenings since this happened. I'm trying to get through finals and keep my head together and you want to stop over to unscrew a bed frame so it doesn't take so long on Saturday?

God, I am so anxious, but so relieved this is over. I've realized that it isn't him leaving that's causing these reactions, but my overwhelming fear of abandonment that I'm fighting tooth and nail to push through, but wow. Just wow.

Please me alone! This is hard enough without you texting and reopening the wound when I manage to slightly close it. What is so hard about just getting it all on Saturday?!!!!

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Old 12-04-2014, 10:20 AM
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It sounds like his new life maybe isn't all he thought it would be, and he's trying to hook you in again. After all...anything could happen when you're "unscrewing a bed frame"...

I'm joking, but I know there is nothing light about your situation. There's also nothing unusual about it. This is what active alcoholics do. You know the road you're on is going to take you someplace healthier and happier -- try not to let him detour you with his tactics. You're doing fine. This stuff takes time.
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Old 12-04-2014, 10:29 AM
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Thanks Sparklekitty - I feel (mostly) strong and determined. This hurts a lot, but nothing like the lonely, bitter, chaotic confusion and pain of living with, and trying to help, an active alcoholic. They say you know when you've had enough. It's true. I realized, suddenly, that I was beating my head against a wall...over and over and over again. The promises mean nothing anymore. As a matter of fact, I got to a point where I wanted to punch him every time the words "I'm sorry, I promise I'll fix this" came out of his mouth. If I had a dime for every time....

I have a feeling that a lot of the anxiety will diminish once everything of his is out on Saturday. At that point, he'll have absolutely no reason to contact me anymore. At least the hurt now is a peaceful kind of hurt - I know there is an end in sight.
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Old 12-04-2014, 10:31 AM
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I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It totally sounds like he was making excuses and may want time alone with you Friday night without his friend along... Good for you for standing your ground. All you would have gotten Friday would have probably been the "I've changed." Promises to try but without any real plan. If you're planning on being on-site when he comes over, maybe Saturday would be a good day for one of your friends to come hang out and drink coffee with you while he gets his stuff? Just a bit of a buffer to give you a reason to not get drawn into any potential discussions of trying to make 'this' work.

Another great step is your realization that it's your fear of abandonment you're fighting with. You can't change how he's going to be. You can't control whether or not he contacts you with vows of love, or to try to flip it back onto you ("You said we couldn't work things out" and "This hurt me too.") What you do have control over is how you play the game (or don't). Just think, once his stuff is gone, you don't have to take his calls and can ignore his texts. In fact, I'm not sure there's a reason you need to pay any attention to his attempts to contact you now.

Deep breaths. You're going to be OK; you already are.
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Old 12-04-2014, 10:44 AM
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My heart goes out to you. I hope you can end this as quickly and cleanly as possible ... and, don't respond to text messages or calls.
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Old 12-04-2014, 10:51 AM
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Thank you....it really helps to hear that I'm doing ok. I know I am, but hearing it from others that are/have been here truly helps so much.

I've finally realized that going back will only prolong the pain - I believe that he wants to mean what he is saying when he's sober (or actually, hung over and consumed by guilt), and that he truly is sorry for what he does, but that fixes nothing and there isn't a thing that changes for more than a week or two, tops.

It's sad to see someone so young destroy their life, but this is the life he's chosen to lead.

I choose to not go down with him.

Wow, it felt good to just write that.
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Old 12-04-2014, 10:56 AM
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I'll have all of his things in the basement at the back door. He'll have no reason to come up the stairs, however, my friend will be here for moral support.

Once his things are gone, I've already decided that it's best to block his texts and emails. I can feel so strong and then one text from him sends me reeling. I want to respond so bad, mostly out of anger at this point, but I know, from experience, that it just makes things sooooo much worse and sets me back. I won't allow him to continue doing this to me. He's caused enough pain and while he has his whiskey to numb his pain, I have only my sheer will to get through this. He now lives with his alcohol loving family. He can drink as much as he wants to now with nobody to answer to. He should be happy, no? He wanted it, he got it.
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Old 12-04-2014, 11:01 AM
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Hey, you're not just doing OK -- you are doing GREAT. It's great that you have a friend there when he comes to move. It's great that you've already gathered everything so he doesn't have to come in the house. And I think blocking him is a fantastic idea.

And you are free to take care of yourself.
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Old 12-04-2014, 11:06 AM
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Oh honey, he is just quacking trying to get an in for some sympathy. Don't fall for it.

Go no contact and you will heal in time, I promise.

XXX
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Old 12-04-2014, 11:31 AM
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FlippedRHalo....it is a really good sign that you realize that your symptoms are mostly fears of abandonment. Good insight.
You might want to read the book "The Sabre-toothed Tiger". It addresses fears of abandonment (it was written for abused women--but it can apply to addictive relationships, also).
It is very easy to read and is not too big. (I know you are busy studying..LOL!

It does make a big point that the treatment for fears of abandonment do not come from a relationship with a partner (even a good relationship). Therapy and coming to grips with the source of the fears and self love.....

Stay strong in your convictions.

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Old 12-04-2014, 02:25 PM
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Proud of you, kiddo--I wish I'd followed my own instincts when I had a sinking feeling my second husband (who had already almost died from drinking) was drinking again just before our wedding. I knew what I was dealing with, and I willfully shut my eyes and went through with the wedding. Big mistake.

I think you're brave, and smart, and I hope he leaves you the hell alone after he gets his stuff out of there. Sounds like you have a good no-contact plan in place, though.

Hugs, we've all got your back.
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Old 12-04-2014, 02:43 PM
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Proud of you - I have abandonment issues too and fight that - but I have been alone over 2 months and hopefully getting stronger- not to say some days don't suck and some days I don't cry- but we will make it! I truly don't feel as lonely as when he was here drinking. Hugs.
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Old 12-04-2014, 06:44 PM
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Good for you, FlippedRHalo! Your post gives hope to those of us who are also looking to reclaim our own peace. I'm so happy for you. (((hugs)))
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Old 12-04-2014, 10:59 PM
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I gave the ring back, called off the wedding and prepared myself for the pain that I was about to endure.
Hi FlippedRHalo, wow, I did the exact same thing in 1976 after four trauma-filled years with an addict/alcoholic. Broken promises? Check. Lies, disappointment, abuse? Check. Overdose, drunk driving and wrecked cars? Check, check and check.

Our wedding was six weeks away at the time. He'd been sober for almost a year and then had "a few beers". He did not know I'd set the boundary of ending it if he ever drank and/or got high again.

Even though it was so long ago I still count this decision as the BEST I ever made in my life.

You're doing great. You're very smart to block him. I was sort of in shock for a while but soon enough felt I'd crawled out from under a boulder. I expect you will, too. Hang in there!
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Old 12-05-2014, 05:11 AM
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If you're planning on being on-site when he comes over, maybe Saturday would be a good day for one of your friends to come hang out and drink coffee with you while he gets his stuff?
That sounds like an excellent idea.
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