LexieCat

Sorry, Fandy, I don't agree that it's a sponsor's job to rat out a sponsee's infidelity. And unless she's spoken to the sponsor, I wouldn't take her husband's version of what the sponsor said or did in terms of what that action meant in terms of his recovery. I would hope that if the sponsor knew, he told him that he was risking his sobriety by engaging in that kind of conduct. But that's about where the sponsor's responsibility ends.

dolier, I'm sorry this happened. I can only imagine how hurt you must be, and I guess you will just have to see whether this is something your marriage can survive.

Hugs,

jarp

I'm sorry you are feeling this pain - my RAH recently admitted to cheating as well, so I can imagine the pain and shock you are experiencing right now. It is the most heart wrenching, sickening think I have ever been through. Teh betrayal really hurts and I am sorry you are going through this.

I'm having individual counselling which is really helping me work thorugh my emotions. MC is really helping us communicate and work through what has happened. I havent committed to staying or going at this stage but there are several things going on which have led to my decision to at least go through the process of seeing whether a future with RAH is possible.

For me these things were:
- he admitted and told me the truth
- he is in active recovery and is very, very committed to it
- it was in his A days - and I do personally believe that A's behave in ways that they wouldnt whilst practicing active recovery
- he is saying he is willing to do whatever it takes to repair our family, and then he is demonstrating this through his actions, hourly and daily
- he is asking me exactly what I need from him...and then he is following that through (in regards to openess, disclosure etc)
- he has accepted 150% responsibility for this and has not once put anything back on me - whilst I am also acknowledging that there are contributions I made (aside from him being an A) that would not be useful in a relationship with a non-A
- he is sitting with all my emotions about this without becoming defensive or disempowering me in any way
- he is being open about how the cheating happened and all the things that led up to it - and ensuring he is changing those things (for example he isolated, we led seperate lives, especially socially, he did this bc he wanted to drink and had loads of drinking buddies - he knows he needs to change this for his sobriety - but also needs to be more connected with me socially for our relationship as well).

These things have helped me make the decisaion to at least see where all this goes as opposed to immediately writing him off (which is what I always said I would do). I may still do this, but for now I am taking my time, seeing what his response is, and what mine is - whether I can forgive him. I WANT to forgive him, regardless of whetehr the relationship works out or not...because that will be good for ME.

Best of luck...I'm sorry you are hurting.

redatlanta

I wouldn't condemn AA on this one. People have affairs in church that crap happens everywhere.

I have an opinion but I will feel it to myself. Unfortunately you will just have to wade through this to see how you feel on the other side.

I am awfully sorry this happened to you ((((hugs))))

LifeRecovery

Dollier-

I am so sorry for you. It was finally my husband's affair that got me healing from his alcohol use also. I had not been willing to deal with that prior.

Please you need to be gentle with you. It took me a year plus to not be in the throes of an emotional rollarcoaster from the affair. I am about four and a half years from the affair out and it is amazing what a solid recovery and TIME does for healing.

I found Al-Anon (plus therapy) really helpful for both the addiction AND the affair. I read a lot and learned that similar to alcohol use I did not cause the affair, I could not control the affair and I could not cure the affair. I was entitled to my feelings about it though.

Be gentle with you, this is hard stuff you are working on.

Refiner

I dunno... if he cheated while drinking, I guess he could have made amends being in recovery. But being IN RECOVERY (TWO years????) and then cheating would probably be a dealbreaker for me. Nothing says "trust" quite like a cheating spouse!!

Fandy

One thing not mentioned through this thread is STDs and other possible physical issues.

Both of you need to be tested.

Kochanie

You are an amazing women! Don't let what he did bring you down! You have done enough for him! Chin up babe and I'm thinking of you!

Florence

My sister is getting a divorce after finding out that her husband of 25 years was having a long term affair. No alcoholism necessary. She and I talked about it quite a bit, since I'm the only other divorced person in the family, and I happen to like the adage that there are three things that are a trigger for us to leave a relationship: Addition, Abuse, Adultery. For me, when these things are a part of the relationship for any amount of time, they forever become a part of its fabric.

Others have found they are able to move past this stuff as a couple, and I totally support that. But for me, I know (from experience unfortunately) that my feelings wouldn't allow me to let this stuff go, and I'd be a slave to all the negativity and negative self-talk that result from being with someone who didn't/doesn't respect my love. YMMV.

tomsteve

Input- a man IN AA doesn't have an affair and if said man does have an affair they aren't doing well.
Yup, you want to believe he is sorry but I'd suggest letting his actions prove it.

Hammer

Wisdom from my daughter today.

"If you have to try to be 'their' friend, chances are you would not want to be anyway."

So why would you want this in your life?

NYCDoglvr

With all due respect, I must disagree. After attending AA meetings regularly for 23 years I've seen a few affairs but it's far from the norm. AA is simply a program based in the book Alcoholics Anonymous written in the 1930's. People connect with each other at work, in bars, everywhere.

biminiblue

Alcoholism and cheating are two different issues.

If he met her at church, would you blame the church members? There are no bosses in AA and no pledge you have to sign, there is no way for an AA member to be "disciplined." These are adults who are free to come and go and make any decision they want about their lives. If someone is a cheater, no one can stop that.

tomsteve

Dolier, I'm a lil confused. In your Op you state," he is in recovery two years..."

And then state,"...then a few months sober he does this."

????????

dolier07

He is sober two years but was only 12 months sober when he met here....

Catherine628

Unfortunately I know the pain of discovering your spouse is having an affair. I found out 2 years ago and it still brings up strong emotions. Individual counseling helped. I also heard the "it just happened" crap. Affairs do not just happen and it takes 2 to tango. As long as I was hearing "it just happened" my AH was not being honest and owning up to his part in the affair. In our case I never regained trust and that is a deal breaker.

BoxinRotz

It takes awhile to get close to your spouse after drinking the length of the marriage. It's hard to look at this *new* person and be like... OMG you're back, I love you! Lets go do this, this, n this.... No. It doesn't work that way so please don't let him blame you for his infidelity. It takes awhile for two to become one after a long standing issue of drugs n alcohol.