Recovery and Snails
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Recovery and Snails
So this post is about how long things can take.
At rehab my H wrote me a letter admitting he was an A. Then he refused to accept that for awhile. His denial systems rallied and he claimed he had drank for a multitude of quacking reasons. This denial made me deeply worried and mournful. It also made me mean and snarky as I held the banner of truth solo during some snappy spats. On Sunday my RAH admitted to me he had been addicted to 'that stuff.' This made me speechless, to hear the truth -unvarnished - from him- once again at 17 mo sober. THEN he followed through with the knowledge that he can't EVER drink again as he will go right back to his A. His truth has resettled on his own shoulders to the point he spoke it for himself.
Last night he told our counselor, yes still Mr. T, that he wanted a certificate of completion. And Mr. T got him to agree to not stop marriage counseling. We are ending the year due to our work and holiday schedules, but will come back in January and assess a continued plan. He accepted this open ended vagueness. He was OK when Mr. T told him if we keep moving in the right direction, we will be able to wind things up. I was so delighted that I purposely went Xmas shopping to not gloat and bounce around joyfully at home.
We are making progress. He is making progress. He is discussing some feelings. He has made continued to make careful attempts at intimacy and setting aside time for us as a couple. And when Mr. T told him he needed to dig in and keep working at recovery, that NOT drinking was no longer enough, that he needed to keep his recovery moving forward in a trajectory, my H listened. He accepted that expressing emotions and reconnecting was a natural piece of recovery. Mr. T actually has earned my H's respect. He has allowed another person on his team.
Things are not perfect. Our life is not perfect. But lately there have been some really bright moments... I really am surprised to be here. Here At the moment where I see that my marriage might be coming out of one heck of a trough.
At rehab my H wrote me a letter admitting he was an A. Then he refused to accept that for awhile. His denial systems rallied and he claimed he had drank for a multitude of quacking reasons. This denial made me deeply worried and mournful. It also made me mean and snarky as I held the banner of truth solo during some snappy spats. On Sunday my RAH admitted to me he had been addicted to 'that stuff.' This made me speechless, to hear the truth -unvarnished - from him- once again at 17 mo sober. THEN he followed through with the knowledge that he can't EVER drink again as he will go right back to his A. His truth has resettled on his own shoulders to the point he spoke it for himself.
Last night he told our counselor, yes still Mr. T, that he wanted a certificate of completion. And Mr. T got him to agree to not stop marriage counseling. We are ending the year due to our work and holiday schedules, but will come back in January and assess a continued plan. He accepted this open ended vagueness. He was OK when Mr. T told him if we keep moving in the right direction, we will be able to wind things up. I was so delighted that I purposely went Xmas shopping to not gloat and bounce around joyfully at home.
We are making progress. He is making progress. He is discussing some feelings. He has made continued to make careful attempts at intimacy and setting aside time for us as a couple. And when Mr. T told him he needed to dig in and keep working at recovery, that NOT drinking was no longer enough, that he needed to keep his recovery moving forward in a trajectory, my H listened. He accepted that expressing emotions and reconnecting was a natural piece of recovery. Mr. T actually has earned my H's respect. He has allowed another person on his team.
Things are not perfect. Our life is not perfect. But lately there have been some really bright moments... I really am surprised to be here. Here At the moment where I see that my marriage might be coming out of one heck of a trough.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CodeJob....I am sure that you are aware that "expressing emotions" is not a natural inclination for a huge part of the male population...Alcoholic or not.
Unfortunately, the way most boys, in our culture, are raised....expressions of sensitive emotions are squelched from the crib, on up.
Then, we marry them and cry out for "emotional availability", and the like.
That is like telling a pig...."now, you need to learn to ice skate".
So....if you have made headway in this arena....congratulations!!!
dandylion
Unfortunately, the way most boys, in our culture, are raised....expressions of sensitive emotions are squelched from the crib, on up.
Then, we marry them and cry out for "emotional availability", and the like.
That is like telling a pig...."now, you need to learn to ice skate".
So....if you have made headway in this arena....congratulations!!!
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Nice! Congrats Code 
Mrs Schnap and I are making some progress too. Compared to last year this time things are much better. Staying off the future tripping and banner of truth business and keeping my mind on my own recovery is my daily challenge right now. I'm so grateful for Alanon and the folks here for helping me keep as much air as I can out of my ego.. it keeps popping up like mushrooms after a rainstorm.
Mrs Schnap and I are making some progress too. Compared to last year this time things are much better. Staying off the future tripping and banner of truth business and keeping my mind on my own recovery is my daily challenge right now. I'm so grateful for Alanon and the folks here for helping me keep as much air as I can out of my ego.. it keeps popping up like mushrooms after a rainstorm.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
That is just beautiful to me Code. It TRULY sounds like you are peaceful right now about the situation you and your husband are in. I understand things aren't perfect, but you are living for today and I think that is VERY important. I'm really happy for you and will pray that you and yours continue to find serenity.
hugs to you!!!
hugs to you!!!
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