SeriousKarma

I don't even know where to begin... I studied theatre in university. I love a good story. Character development. Pathos. Dramatic arch. I have a healthy respect for Shakespearean tragedy.

But for God's sake I don't want to live my life as a character in one of his f*cking plays!!!!!

My daughter has been going through a rough patch lately. She's been distant, and moody, and more or less a horrible person to be around, but at 17 it's easy to write those things off to 17ishness. Still, I knew something was up. This was looking a lot more like depression than moodiness so I poked and prodded and poked and prodded and eventually she broke down and layed her soul bare to me. She's has been making some very stupid choices, and as we all know stupid choices have a way of biting us in the butt. Now she's suffering as a result of those choices, and I can't make it better. I can't unring that bell for her, and even if I could I know I shouldn't. She's got to suffer her own consequences.

But what really knocked the wind out of me wasn't what she did. (It was Shakespeareanly stupid but not life altering.) It was what she said.

She said she's afraid she's just like her dad. She's afraid she's just like her dad!

F*ck. F*******************************ck.

I swear I heard my heart break. I'm not kidding you. It cracked! An audible noise emanated from my chest. I was just getting that d*mn heart pieced back together again! Oh man. I can feel it in there. Like it's too big for the chest cavity, and a bit too tired to keep up the charade. Instead of thump thump thump it's emitting a kind of wheeze wheeze wheeze. Seriously folks. I think there's a crack in my heart! A God D@mn Crack in My F*cking Heart!!!!

***** sigh*****

It's like foreshadowing in a play. I knew the day would come when she'd feel that way.

Honestly, I'm glad she was able to open up to me. It may be her hulu hoop, but I'm still her mother. She's not like her father, at least not in the ways she fears. She has many of his good qualities, and there's no reason she needs to continue the BS that his FOO laid on him. She's her own person. His BS was his choice, and he could have ended it at any point. He chose not to.

But it blows my mind how deep this runs. It scares me. I've done so many things "right", and still my baby is "afraid she's like her dad". It's exhausting.

***** sigh *****

redatlanta

Deep breath Serious Karma.

I like the way you write. I went back and reread your posts and while I hate the reason we are here I would have read 100 threads if you had that many your verbiage and imagery is extraordinary and humorous.

So now back to the subject at hand. First, I am sorry this has happened. I hope its not too bad.

Secondly, I know your heart is breaking. Give this a few days. Let's decipher if DD really thinks she is just like dad OR, is in deep sh!t and said something that she KNOWS will resonate pity with you.

I'm not saying she wasn't sincere; however, she might have pushed a button to climb out of the sh!t river. Time will tell.

((((hugs))))

SeriousKarma

Naw, She was sincere. What she did really would not have gotten her into hot water with me. It was, however, similar in some ways to some of her father's behavior. Of course, he often acts like a teenager.

Thanks for the compliment. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I know the cussing can overtake me at times. Like a fountain. But I always try my best to cuss in as articulate and well mannered a way as possible.

I'll try and remember to breath.

redatlanta

In real life I talk exactly the same way. I would here but get tired of putting in * for letters .

It will be ok…...

lizatola

If it makes you feel any better, I know I said these exact same words to my friends when I was in college. Actually, it was motivation for me to change my ways. I quit drinking and smoking when I was 22. I had promised myself that there was no way I was going to turn out to be a slacker parent addicted to cigarettes and alcohol among other things.

Now, I can see the good things I got from my dad: my love of the English language, my desire to learn more about American History, my love of maps and puzzles all came from my dad.

She's 17 and I know you're afraid but you've done a great job as a mom and she as willing to come to you and spill out her heart to YOU! I was never close enough to my mom to say those things and maybe if she was there for me, I would have avoided a lot of heartache and pain in those young adult years.

SeriousKarma

Thanks Lizatola, it does make me feel better. In fact, everything you said does. We've spent the last few hours talking. She's struggling a lot, with recent choices and past memories. A whole lot of stuff. This is a hard age, but it's also a beautiful age in so many ways. They're the strongest they're ever going to be, and yet so terribly fragile. It was definitely never intended that these forces of nature be parented by one person alone. I really appreciate you all being there for me.

lillamy

I've got no wisdom, only understanding. And I know about that broken heart. I spent the evening trying to avoid having to take one of my teens to the ER. She finally fell asleep in my arms, and I'll be sleeping on a mattress on her floor tonight.

What this damn disease does to the children of the addict? Yes. It does break your heart.

We will get through it. They will too. It's just tough going when you're in the middle of the heartbreak swamp.

changeneeded

I have girls your daughters age; isn't it great that she can (eventually) be open to you? Mine are the same. You leave them be for a while and then poke and prod until they open up.She did!

As she tells you that she is afraid she is going to be like her father, remind her that is a good thing. Because she, you, and all of us here, knows exactly what she means. She doesn't want to be that way so she has a better chance of moving on and forward, rather than staying at this stage and age in her life.

^^^ Those are words I've said to my girls. "You're paying attention, and that is good! " I've let my girls know and I'm sure you have too that "when you think you can handle it and have it all under control, that is the time to be concerned."

Because then the defense is down. Well, you know the reason why.

I just want to add a "well done" You're doing a great job. Relax, thank her again for sharing with you, and keep that watchful eye.

Be well, All

Treerat66

Education, education, education.

As a kid I had health ed classes about alcohol and drug abuse - water off a ducks back.

What stuck was what I learned from three brave alcoholics that came to a youth group I went to. They were not slick talkers, they didn't tell us drink was bad, they just shared their addiction histories, end. While it didn't stop me abusing alcohol it did allow me to see the road ahead when addiction kicked in.

Santa

Been right there, exactly where you are. Mine began drinking at 15 and we soon got involved with the juvenile justice system. Now at 20, a college student and officially an ACOA, she has a great deal of insight into her anxiety and substance issues. That's the best one can hope for, I feel.

I always wish people who have young kids and think they are staying with an alcoholic for their sake could understand what they've actually signed up for their children. Like most, I thought for years I had it all under control and they would be okay.

hopeful4

Oh SK, I am sorry. Here supporting you my friend.

XXX

FireSprite

((((HUGS)))) She's already showing that she's not like him by displaying this awareness - I think it's pretty normal for us to wonder/expect to fall into the same patterns that our parents created, especially when we see such huge pitfalls we'd like to sidestep. It's scary.

((((((Lillamy))))))) I'm so sorry you had a difficult night with DD as well.

Eddiebuckle

Karma,

I was raised by an alcoholic mother. The last time I saw her was to remove her from life support, I was 36. I spent much of my life hating her for the consequences of her actions, and swearing I would never be like her. At 43 I admitted myself to rehab, and to put it succinctly, I was a whole lot more like her than I ever was willing to admit.

The difference between your daughter and you husband will be their choices. 17 is young, but not so young as to be unaware. She should understand that she is predisposed to addiction, and by extension, all the other nasty attributes that come with it. Please note that I say predisposed, not preordained.

I don't know how to help her learn the lesson, but it is a whopper: small choices over time can radically alter the arc of ones life. This event could be the best thing that ever happened to her, if she translates the lesson into action.

I never chose to become an alcoholic, but I sure as h*** chose to drink. I had a great education in the risks, but ignored them.

SeriousKarma

I hope things are looking a bit better for your daughter today, Lillamy. It's so hard to watch them struggle. Especially when it's partially due to their own poor choices.

I had my daughter in the bed with me as well. The cat felt a bit put out, but he's just gonna have to deal with it.

SeriousKarma

[QUOTE by changeneeded]I've let my girls know and I'm sure you have too that "when you think you can handle it and have it all under control, that is the time to be concerned."[/QUOTE]

You know Changeneeded, I think this little "talking point" is one that maybe I've missed. I'm sure we've talked about it in regards to her father, but not so much her. Thanks for the reminder.

[QUOTE by Treerat66] What stuck was what I learned from three brave alcoholics that came to a youth group I went to. They were not slick talkers, they didn't tell us drink was bad, they just shared their addiction histories, end. While it didn't stop me abusing alcohol it did allow me to see the road ahead when addiction kicked in[/QUOTE]

I hear you, Treerat. She's been going to Alanon for a few years. I realize it can't prevent all problems. She's going to make mistakes. But hopefully it will put some tools in her tool belt.

[QUOTE by Eddiebuckle]I don't know how to help her learn the lesson, but it is a whopper: small choices over time can radically alter the arc of ones life. This event could be the best thing that ever happened to her, if she translates the lesson into action.[/QUOTE]

I think in many ways she has to live her life and understand the consequences of her actions. Moms can do a lot of things, but they can't change the past. I can love her, and help her negotiate the trauma of bad memories, but I can't change what happened. Your right small choices can radically alter the arc of ones life. She chose to do what she did, but she can also chose what comes out of it. I hope she makes the right choice.

lillamy

He'll get back at you somehow. After all, he's a cat.

I'm learning with my kids what I never really fully learned with AXH -- the trusting my HP part. Somehow, the pain when your kids are in pain is so raw... and somehow, it's so much easier to realize how limited your power is when they're in a pain that feels like it's got a direct connection to your own heart.

Amen to that.

LexieCat

Sounds to me like you've done everything right--or as right as a parent of a teenager ever can be. (I remember myself as being one of the world's easiest, least-in-trouble kids I knew, but my mom used to say if she could have put a stamp on me and shipped me away JUST for the year I was 17, she would have jumped at the chance.)

Kids that age are bound to screw up once in a while (heck, I wish screwing up were confined to the teenage years), and I think it's human nature, if you engage in ANY healthy self-reflection, to wonder HOW you could have made such a bad decision. "What was I THINKING?" And if you happen to have an example of bad decision-making around, to compare yourself to that person.

Sounds like you guys have some good communication going, there, and I have a feeling she will be just fine.

Hugs,

SeriousKarma

I hope you're right Lexie. I know I did my fair share of stupid stuff when I was young.

We do have good communication.... until we don't. That frightens me a bit. She can close off so suddenly and so deeply. Part of me wants to respect her privacy as a young adult, and then there's my spidey senses telling me something isn't right. In this case my spidey senses were spot on. Gotta listen to those spidey senses.

It concerns me that she might somehow think it's preordained that she do these stupid self-destructive things. That this might be the beginnings of a cycle. That's why the whole "Just like my dad" thing hit me so hard. She saw a therapist about a year ago that she liked. She had gone to talk about some of her dad's issues. I think I'm going to encourage her to go talk to him again.

How's your tooth doing?

FeelingGreat

SK, the fact that she could open up to you is encouraging, and I'm sure you, the years of Alanon, and the therapist will be a solid foundation for her.
I know people go through rough patches all the time, but a loving up bring can make a lot of difference to the outcome.