Katchie

I started dinner and my youngest who's 16 came in to ask about his dads behavior at the game last night. He said he heard from others at school today, and from my next eldest (17yr old) who was sitting on the bench at the time, that my AH was embarrassingly rude and loud at the game and, as he said, "freaked out". They pow-wowed and concluded he should no longer be allowed at their games if he drinks. Apparently my AH was the talk among their friends. I told them the truth, that he came in stumbling pretty badly last night 2 hours before we left for the game and he was still drunk when we arrived tho. not stumble drunk and that was the reason. It's partly my fault because I let him get in the car with me but I didn't know how to tell him not to come for fear of it being really ugly since he was still drunk.

I have a feeling that the boys coach, a former college coach retired who knows our family history has taken my husband to a college game tonight so he can talk to him about his behavior. At least that is my hope, which will be helpful when I have to have another uncomfortable conversation in the morning because the boys 2nd game of their tournament is tomorrow night.

AnvilheadII

you knew he had been drinking, and you still took him with you.
you could have said NO but didn't want it to get ugly......for you.
so instead your kids were humiliated in front of their peers. at an important sporting event in their young budding lives.

you had no control over his drinking.
but you sure as heck had control of taking a DRUNK with you.
you can say no.

Katchie

Anvil, I appreciate you being honest but believe me, no one knows I made a royal mistake more than me. No one wishes they could turn back the hands of time form my kids than me. I'm trying to change myself and whatever it is that has me cowering. Yeah, I DID IT and Im to blame for it. But I am proud that my kids talk to each other and are not afraid to come to me with this. That in itself is an improvement. I appreciate your blunt honesty.

Sikofit

You did the best you could at the time. Don't beat yourself up, Katchie.

dandylion

Katchie....I know you didn't have any idea that he would make such a spectacular A** of himself at the game. I don't think you should beat yourself up over that, either.
The boys sound strong enough that they should bounce back, just fine.

dandylion

FeelingGreat

Katcie, the boy's reaction may be the best way to bring the effects of his behaviour to his notice.
Couple of questions: are they up for telling him directly rather than going through you, and if they do, would there be a problem for them with his reaction?
You say 'I didn't know how to tell him not to come for fear of it being really ugly since he was still drunk.' Does that mean he would have been abusive physically or verbally?

MissFixit

While I agree with this in theory, I am not sure minor kids should be calling out their dad about his alcoholism. In some families this dynamic is okay. I grew up with a very strong controlling dad who would have erupted if I confronted him about something like that. The times I did confront my dad, he would ALWAYS turn whatever it was around on me, blame me and verbally abuse me. Note: my dad wasn't an A, just and ahole.

CodeJob

Just here hanging out with you. You and your boys are in my thoughts.

SeriousKarma

So then, he was just a different kind of A.

Katchie, if you've read my recent post you'll see that I'm treading the waters of a daughter that same age. Difficult waters. I'm with you, hon.

It sounds like you were trying to do a very difficult balancing act that night, and it didn't turn out quite as well as one would hope. But, alcoholic and balancing acts don't go well together. I remember there being a tipping point to my STBXAH's drinking binges. A point where I would hope he would stop drinking for the night (wishful thinking), and another point where I seriously contemplated hooking him up to a Jagermeister drip just to get him to pass out quicker.

Try and let your kids know they're not the only teens dealing with this. Just because their father was the obvious one doesn't mean he was the only one.

dandylion

SeriousKarma....don't mean to highjack the thread (so please forgive me, this). You should be writing sit-coms or plays.

dandylion

Katchie

I don't want to put the boys in that position. I grew up in a home that whenever I stood up for myself with my dad, or sometimes he would just be angry with me, it always ended in verbal and sometimes physical abuse; he also abused my mother physically and verbally. Once a very long time ago, years ago, my AH drank and was angry with me and pushed me around and threatened he would kill me if I ever left me -- and no, my boys don't know he did this or that he has said such a thing. He didn't threaten that last year when I told him I'd leave if he didn't clean up and get help. At that time we were having marital problems that I was partly to blame for. Not an excuse, but at the time that is how I justified it. I always have that in the back of my mind tho when dealing with him while drunk. For some reason, when he only drank beer that never happened. When he drinks crown, southern comfort, wild turkey, etc. he is mean verbally and it is ALWAYS directed at me. I don't know why. Doesn't matter why I guess. I don't want my sons to ever hear any of that thrown there way so I don't see that as an option.

FireSprite

How terrible for your boys. Don't beat yourself up Katchie, I think sometimes we need to experience something like this to understand exactly how bad/different things are from our expectations. Certainly, you never expected him to behave QUITE the way he did, maybe thought it impossible that he would embarrass the boys so outrageously. I had many nights that I can think back on now & wish I had played my hand differently but all I can do is grow from those experiences.

It's like that saying, "when we know better, we do better". Now you know better about what he is capable of & can do better in these situations in the future. I understand not wanting to put the kids in the hotseat based on what you shared, but how long can you put yourself in that position?

((((hugs)))) I know how truly rotten it feels to suddenly realize that after "all this time" of being in recovery, he hasn't really been recovering at all.

hopeful4

I am sorry Katchie. Tight hugs.

Refiner

You live and learn and will most likely be ready to tell him NO the next time, Katchie. Has he brought tonight's game up yet tonight? Do you think the coach talked to him about it?

Katchie

I was in a hurry this morning and on the way out I told him I would be leaving earlier than Tuesdays night because of the weather. That was it. But I've made up my mind if he comes home drunk Ill tell him to stay home and he isn't riding with me and why. He said nothing about coach speaking to him about it, but I'm not sure he would tell me if he had. The boys wanted to watch their game that is on Hudl after dinner last night and all you could hear thru out it was someone yelling, as in coaching, and it wasn't the coaches on the bench -- i suspect it was my husband. You couldn't quite make out what was being said but I'm sure it was him you could hear muffled in the background. When AH came home at 9:30pm all my boys said their goodnights and rushed off to bed early so they wouldn't have to be around him; he wasn't even drunk. Terrible.

Hawkeye13

Yep--I remember this well as a child.

Get away from the drunk the only way you can--by going to your room.

Even that doesn't always work an the stress and tension is still there is still there even if you as "away" as you can get in your own home.



Sorry he's let you down Katchie--sounds like some hard choices coming up again.

changeneeded

Geeze, why is it the same, but different, everywhere?

I didn't grow up with an A, but my father did. He talks about the same thing. The kids would disappear when the Drunk came home. My girls do the same, even if he hasn't been drinking. It doesn't matter any more, I suppose.

Sometimes I get depressed when I come here and find it's all the same. Other times I feels encouraged by others. Just never know, I guess.

walkinganewpath

My AH is a vodka drinker - used to just drink beer. He's not usually aggressive or nasty more lovey and annoying for the most part But strangely when he hits up the whiskey he gets nasty and wants to fight everyone. Yeah doesn't matter why but just one of those things that makes you go "hmmm".

My kids are a little younger than yours but I'm having to start dealing with their issues about AH's drinking. I'm hoping it's the catalyst that will land him on his face and he'll get help.

lillamy

I agree with your decision to not put the kids in the position of taking to their dad about this unless they insist.

My heart goes out to you. Managing an alcoholic's behaviors is a full-time job, and the worst one I can imagine. I'd rather shovel cow dung.

Katchie

My dad wasn't a drunk, just an angry often nasty person to be around. Never knew what mood he would be in. I grew up out in the sticks and remember when we 3 would hear the rumble of his old International coming down the dirt road we would scramble to make sure the living room was picked up of our stuff and run to our rooms and shut the door.
I remember the night my husband asked me to marry him. I told him that night how I wanted things to be different in our home for our kids than what I grew up with. I also remember telling him I didn't want any alcohol in our home because I had two uncles that were alcoholics and I know what it did to my cousins. He agreed to all of these things back then, but the last time I brought this up to him interesting enough he doesn't remember ever talking about it. Convenient.