Kboys

AH is doing well. Two months sober with one manageable "slip." Still no AA, counseling, or any other program.

Our relationship is feeling better. I'm starting to feel more and more comfortable with him again which has allowed me to talk to him about things and get a lot off my chest without fear of his inappropriate responses. We can now have "normal" conversations. We still have a loooong way to go, but it feels good for now and we have made progress.

And I'm taking this time to work on myself, and that feels good. I've been going to Al-Anon, and just really trying to take care of myself. Just thankful for the calm for now, and trying to get things back on track for me.


I am truly shocked he has gone this long. I am starting to feel some optimism again, though it is very guarded.

I still am up and down with my emotions. One day I'm sure that I can't be with him anymore, even if he's not drinking, becuase I just can't get past the hurt and the abuse, and I start planning what I will say to him, and the logistics of him moving out again. The next day I feel hopeful, and think maybe it will work out... Then sometimes I just wish he would start drinking again, and get it over with already, so I can end it without feeling like the "bad guy" (I know I don't have to feel that way, after everything... but still, it would make things easier.)

Anyone have an RA who has stayed sober long-term without a program?

dandylion

Kboys....I, personally, have never seen one. I have seen lots of people who were drinking abusively and recognized that it was causing them problems or potential problems....and did corrective measures..... But, I don't think they were truly alcoholics....

dandylion

Keep doing what you are doing. Sometimes....there isn't an "easy" way out....LOL!

Soberintexas007

Hi Kboys,
Looks like you and me are in the same boat. My husband is close to 2 weeks sober without any program, and I am enjoying the calm and hoping another storm does not happen.

When you said he had a manageable slip, what did you mean by that?

Kboys

Thank you Dandylion
Maybe AH is not truly an A. He doesn't think he is, and I think he's trying to prove to me and to others in his life (himself maybe too) that he is not an A by staying sober without a program. I don't see how someone can abuse it to the extreme that he was and not be an A, but maybe I'm wrong.

Hi Justbreathe by "manageable slip" I meant that he did drink vodka one afternoon. The kids were at my parents house that day and for the night. It was his day off. When I came home from work he was drunk, but he wasn't the monster that he usually is/was when he drinks. He was remorseful, quiet, and he didn't continue to drink after that. I assumed that he would, because that is always what had happened in the past. One "slip" would lead him right back to non-stop drinking in just a few days, but not this time. His moods get better all the time.

Katchie

Kboys,

My husband started out going to AA. He dropped out after a couple of months and said it just wasn't for him and he isn't like "those" people. He did good for a few months but he has relapsed and it can't be hidden anymore. I have watched my AH struggle in years past to white knuckle thru his addiction only to fail over and over. I cannot say that will be the case for your spouse but I've not heard of anyone on SR sing a success story of going it alone.

AnvilheadII

two months sober needs NO ALCOHOL at all for 60 days. his "slip" was to choose drink and get drunk. he didn't inadvertently grab the wrong glass at a party. so just to be clear he does NOT have two months of sobriety. he has from whenever he last drank.

time will tell and more will be revealed. he may be sneaking drinks, just enough to maintain. he may be figuring this out. he may have a blow out pending.

stay in your lane. keep your boundaries firm and do not give the ALL CLEAR just yet.

NYCDoglvr

No therapy, no AA, I hope you have low expectations. Sorry, but as a recovering alcoholic (23 years), I know how insidious this disease is. It's about much more than drinking, it's changing the "isms" as well: self will, grandiosity, selfishness and dishonesty. It's learning responsibility. I recommend Alanon for you, enormous support from people who have dealt with the same problems.

lillamy

Not an RA, but agree with this. 100%.

meggem

Mine is 14 months without a drink but he may as well still drink, his personality is the same - No program. I left him in June.

I hope this doesn't happen to you but I would prepare for a blow out.

happybeingme

I can say I am a recovering alcoholic without a formal program. Three and a half years. But, I didnt do it without support. I hit my bottom and surrendered but what terrified me was that nothing in my life would get better. So, I searched and found online support. I think the most important things needed is a desire to get better and a willingness to do anything to get the help and support an individual needs.

Kboys

Thanks everyone
I do have low expectations. He has exceeded them, though, and my hope and optimism is starting to creep back in...
I am ready for a blow out, at least on some level I am. He is not dealing with any of his issues. Everything in his life that he blamed his drinking on is exactly the same. When I try to talk to him about this, and encourage him to go back to his therapist, he doesn't seem to understand. He says, "what do you mean nothing has changed? I'm not drinking anymore. And I'm just not letting things bother me anymore."

I am pretty positive he's not sneaking drinks, but (I don't really even want to write this becuase I know what everyone will say) he is smoking pot, and I've realized recently it's a lot more often than I thought, which explains the good moods, the patience with the kids, and the "not letting things bother me." So... yeah... I know what will happen when he has no more to smoke, or when his tolerance gets too high. The blow up is inevitable....

I am going to Al-Anon, though I wish I could go more. It is only offered one time per week in my whole county, and with the kids, not always easy to escape, especially now, knowing that AH is smoking pot as much as he is... though he's never given me any reason to not think the kids are safe with him when he's not drinking, I know I shouldn't be leaving them with him when he's stoned.

But I really like him when he's stoned, and I don't think I want him to stop. This brings up a whole other set of issues, I know. Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling.
Thank you for listening and being patient with me.

hopeful4

Eventually you will both have to deal with the person under the addiction. He has simply traded one addiction for another.

SparkleKitty

Stoned people are more mellow, yes. They tend to not get agitated by things. That can be pleasant to be around, especially when you're used to being around a raging drunk.

The problem is, they aren't really present, either. The same ol' kind of buffer is between them and the real world. Connection, intimacy, understanding, empathy -- pot makes it LOOK like you are getting these things from the stoned individual, but you're not really. You're just getting another, gentler illusion of a person. Anything that alters the state of mind of either member of a relationship is undermining the relationship - between you and him, between him and the kids. If the goal is to have a healthy relationship, there is no "progress" being made by making the switch from alcohol to pot.

I'm not saying this to pressure you or make you feel bad. I have been in this exact position and what I learned was that it was easier for me to stay in denial about our relationship issues when my XABF was smoking pot all the time instead of drinking. But ultimately, no real changes had been made.

Kboys

Thank you Sparklekitty. You are so right. It has been pleasant, and such a change from the way it was when he was drinking. I don't want to believe it's just the pot, and I want to believe we are making real progress, becuase things feel good right now. But I know that's not the case....
I don't think I'm ready to get rid of this denial yet

SparkleKitty

I hear you, my friend. But the nature of this Denial thing is that once you realize and acknowledge you're in it, it gets harder and harder to stay there. Sending you strength, courage, and hugs.

Christopher1

That has been my experience too kboys;even though my p was calm it felt exactly as Sparkle has explained- I felt just as alone because I was still talking to a drug,not her:yesshe was calm,but she wasn't "there" -difficult to explain but you know it and feel it.

freetosmile

100% agree with this. Talked about this very thing in therapy today. Once I realized and really MEANT it... " I'm being abused". Wow. Damn right i am! And the courage to say, "I'm going to love MYSELF" is very empowering and with practice i think i will finally be able to stick with my boundaries. i also only have al anon once a week where I live. Sucks. I wish we were not going through this, but we are. Just remember (my therapist told me this) your A is in Gods ( or the universe or whatever) hands. What happens to him is not your call or responsibility...BUT you have to live with YOURSELF forever. How much of your life do you want to spend trying to fix your A while YOU are falling apart? I'm expecting a blow out from my A as well. He will drink tonight I'm sure and be gearing up for fighting tomorrow. Not gonna go there. My A is in and out of AA. No real consistency. Hugs. You didn't deserve this.

Christopher1

That was (part of ) my "bottom":the gradual realisation that if I carried on doing things the same( and expecting a different outcome) ,at some point I wouldn't be able to pick MYSELF up anymore(and that time seemed scarily close sometimes).
Still,it's not easy-I have terrible guilt at not jumping in to save my ap and the fear when letting go of trying to control outcomes can be painful at times.
I remind myself that it was an illusion that gave me temporary peace sometimes but in the end ,changed nothing.
I need to go and do something now(anything!) as I can feel myself being overtaken by "fix-it" urges already.