Timetoheal12

Hello
I've been reading a lot on these days, since my vacations from college have already started and I've got lots of free time.

There's something I am sure many of you have questioned to yourselves. And I've got to admit that this question occupies my mind lately, even when I find it a little "sick".

Will he be a better partner to his next girlfriend?

Many promises were made.
He seemingly was happy to be over his weird relationship with his ex...
Still, he slept with her immediately right after I broke up with him.
I know he was single, and that he can do as he pleases when he is single, but...
He sent her to hell and many other hurtful stuff. Just like he did with me when I broke up with him.

As far as I know, he didn't cheat on me... But now I also doubt this. He said many times he didn't but, how trustworthy he really is? :/

There are times when I wonder if maybe he learned something about our relationship, and if he will apply it to his next one.

I know. It sounds just so obsessive.
But I least I want to tell someone what I'm currently thinking.


Another one of my thoughts is: Why am I feeling like a bad person?
Am I worthless? Did I made myself worthless? How will I stop feeling this way?

I worry a lot about what he thinks of me. That doesn't seem to be healthy, even for me, the one who is doing it like non-stop...

kenar

Isn't the more important question whether you learned something from the relationship? His lesson is his. And you know what they say about those who don't learn from the past....they're condemned to repeat it.

charis78

Don't beat yourself up, I have asked myself the exact same thing. I could have written this post.

Let's hope for the next girls sake that he has changed. However, I am doubtful. In my case anyways my ex has this pattern and he never takes any responsibility or reflects on his role so I doubt he would change for the next one. Im not sure if they are even capable.

I have also wondered is it me etc. While we are in control of how we feel I think if you hear something a lot (in my case my ex shifting blame to me) you start to believe it. I don't know you but based on experience I doubt it has anything to do with you. Look at all the other posters. They are nice caring people whose exes were jerks to them too. Its the disease and until they are treated I have no doubt the next relp will end in a disaster.

As far as what he thinks of you, please stop respecting his opinion. That is like walking into an emergency room of a psychiatric hospital and asking an untreated patient what they think of you. Would you do that? Start thinking better of yourself regardless of his opinion.

charis78

As far as stopping to feel like a bad person, start hanging around healthier people who treat you like a good person and you feel good about yourself around. Maybe join a team at college or volunteer to build confidence.

charis78

Sometimes I think we are also hard on yourself because our actions have been less than stellar (I.e. shaming, bitching, nagging). Remember to forgive yourself as well. I like to tell myself I am a work in progress ☺

lillamy

If he is -- that's got nothing to do with you.
I think that's the important part to remember.
You didn't make him drink. You didn't make him treat you the way he did. You didn't make him make the choices he made in your relationship.

If he makes better choices later on in life, yay! Go him!

But that's got nothing to do with you. You've got more important things to think about. And do. And live.

Timetoheal12

I believe that when we are truly capable of change is when we do it for ourselves...

He tried to convince me he was "good enough" for me, so he didn't wanted to change for real, it was just to get me.




I only know I won't jump into a relationship after just two or three months of knowing the guy, like I did with him. And I won't make any excuses for bad behavior...

There were many other things I saw on this relationship that I never thought about before. So I guess I've made some progress in that area.
But I still need to recover my self esteem. Because if I don't do that then nothing else will matter...

lillamy

Ha! Well, that's a very good sign he wasn't.

lizatola

I like that. My AH has many times referred to me as the one who got the short end of the stick. Wish I had seen this as a red flag a long time ago.

You're learning, Timetoheal, about you and about what your next relationship will need to look like. Take each lesson as it comes and do your best to apply it in the future. We never stop growing. You'll get past this and eventually the obsession over him will be gone, just keep working on you and your recovery.

Timetoheal12

He actually referred to himself once as a "worthless person". And someone who was "bad with himself but not with others". Of course, this happened just a month after we met. Since he was being so gentle I didn't believed in his word.... But maybe no decent man would refer to himself in that manner.

charis78

I got lines like I wish I was a better person all the time. I feel they were manipulative because if that were true why wouldn't they get the help available to make it so.