53500

JB, have you read at all in the marijuana addicts forum? I've been reading there as I'm convinced a friend of mine is addicted to weed. He smokes every day.

In that forum they say after a while tolerance builds up and you don't get happily high anymore. After a certain point weed intensifies anger and depression. You feel tired, burnt out and cranky, although it's not like the rage so many A's exhibit.

That describes my friend exactly. I've seen his anger increase as he smokes more and more. He is SO defensive about weed. He became so irritating to deal with I have little to do with him anymore.

However, apparently at this point in time the weed makes your husband feel good. Weed is not a long-term solution but I think you know that. I do understand how it's preferable to the awful rages.

Stay safe, I've been reading your story and am concerned for your safety like many others here.

Soberintexas007

His life is not impaired when he smokes weed 24/7. If I had a child who was able to hold down a job and function while on weed, then there is no problem to be addressed. Something is not a problem until it becomes a problem. Most people cannot hold down a job and smoke weed 24/7, but for whatever reason, my husband can. When I said that encourage him to smoke weed 24/7, that means when he is around me on our two days off because if he is not smoking or forgets his weed, he can become very irritable, and that is now a problem for me.

Soberintexas007

I can enjoy my husband when he is stoned, but I cannot enjoy him when he is coming down from it or not smoking it because he is dependent on it and gets irritable. But as long as he has the weed to smoke, his behavior is acceptable for me to be in a relationship with.

Soberintexas007

I'm not willing to address my husband's marijuana use because it has not impaired his life or our relationship in any way yet. There needs to be some type of impairment for a problem to be addressed. I don't think the weed necessarily makes him happy anymore, it just seems to relax and calm him down. Everyone is different on weed. I could not function on weed and most people have told me that they cannot smoke weed before work because they would not do a good job. My husband does well at his work stoned, so everyone is different. We cannot say for sure that what happened to your friend over time will happen to my husband. Only time will tell....

suki44883

You might want to read up on what habitual marijuana use does to the human brain. Just like any other addiction, it is progressive.

Fandy

It is NOT *acceptable* to most EMPLOYERS to have a 24/7 stoned employee, never mind how much $$ he spends on weed, ( while your parents have to cosign your apartment lease, they must be thrilled). Be prepared, he is going to lose his job, his addictions and anger issues are going to escalate and you will have to face the reality of your relationship. You can continue to justify what you think is "not a problem", but this is beyond enabling, you can't be honest with him about your al anon support because you are afraid of him and what he might do, i hope you can be honest with yourself, you are not helping him at all, you are supporting his addictions and enabling them. I hope al anon helps you survive.
I believe that you are on the train to crazytown.

happybeingme

JB, I think the saddest part of this is, is that you are not just codependent and enabling but you are now just as much part of his problem as his drugs. You have essentially told him he must be stoned for you to stay. He has no choice now but to stay an addict. Are you ok with that? I actually feel bad for him a little

Santa

Nope. The problem you have is that you are afraid of your husband. Addressing that problem does not require any type of anything on his part.

totallytrying

I don't know if I would go quite that far because it's hard to feel bad for a guy who threatens his loved ones, but I guess that's essentially true, isn't it? It's hard to see sometimes when we're in the middle of it.

dandylion

Nothing that JB does or doesn't do is going to make a difference in the end. If he really wanted to be rid of his addictions--nothing she would say or do would stop him.

JB has enough to worry about, just now...with her own sobriety and her alanon.
She is staying with him, now, because he is not drinking and abusive and is mellowing with the help of the weed (her words). She has made this very clear..that she won't make a change unless she has to. She has vowed to invoke her safety plan if the current situation changes. At least she is going to alanon, now, for herself.

She has decided not to tell him about the alanon...because he has been abusive in the past and she doesn't want to "rile" him.

It is not wise to make someone who has a history of abuse (even if it is "only" threats) angry by any sort of confrontations.

LOL...she can speak for herself, of course I am, basically, just summarizing the recent past history of the thread.

dandylion

ladyscribbler

I used to justify a lot of my actions toward my ex (including encouraging him to smoke pot) by telling myself it was keeping me safer. So anything that calmed him down, even temporarily, seemed OK in the moment.
I couldn't see the insanity in this until I had been out of the situation for awhile. Living with an abusive alcoholic is like being an one-person emergency response team. There's always a crisis happening, about to happen or just ending. There's not much time for personal reflection, which is a big part of the dynamic that keeps you stuck. If you're always either running on adrenaline or exhausted from the latest crisis or nervous about what's brewing, there's very little time or space for anything else to take hold in your mind.
As it was, when I made my ninth step Alanon amends, they included a long letter to my ex, apologizing for my behavior while we were together. There was no justification for any of it, just my own sick thinking.

dandylion

ladyscribbler...I think your whole analogy of the "one-person emergency response team" is a perfect one. Dealing with an active alcoholic ( abusive and otherwise) is just as you said--:"There is always a crisis happening, about to happen or just ending". That there is little time or space for reflection and little time for anything else to occupy your mind.
It is either adrenaline---or exhaustion. (paraphrasing).

Although I have never had a mate with alcoholism....I can testify that this is sooo true if you are closely connected to any addict! They just seem to occupy every available bit of space in one's brain and life.
I think that is why the first task is to begin to detach.

That is so hard to explain to someone who has never l ived this.

dandylion

SeriousKarma

I've tried many times to articulate this exact same thought. Never quite as well, or quite as concisely as you though, Ladyscribbler. It explains how 20 years can go by in the blink of an eye, or an hour can last forever.

Soberintexas007

I have never told him he has to be stoned 24/7 for me to stay with him. He chooses to be stoned 24/7, and I have no problem with it. If he ever wanted to work on quitting and getting treatment for it, I'd fully support him (and we would also save a lot of money, and I would not always have to drive).

Soberintexas007

I created a boundary with drinking with him because it was affecting our relationship. I have not created this same boundary with marijuana because it is not affecting our relationship. He does not want to quit using marijuana.

Soberintexas007

Once again, my husband told me that he is willing to try giving up alcohol, but that he is unwilling to give up his weed. I am willing to accept this because I have no problem with his weed smoking.

I believe that my husband does have anger issues. I suggested counseling or AA, but he refused. I believe he uses marijuana to treat his anger, as it helps him to relax he stated. So, if he is unwilling to treat his anger with counseling or a program, it probably is best that he continues to treat his anger with marijuana, just as a nicotine smoker uses nicotine to treat underlying anger issues (I believe).

All of this is quite different than stating that I told my husband he must smoke weed to be with me.

By the way, my husband has a medical recommendation by his doctor to smoke weed. I am assuming most of you are not doctors, and therefore you should not go against medical advice.

Soberintexas007

This is true Dandylion. My husband is currently not abusive since quitting drinking, and he states that the weed helps to mellow him out. I am supporting him in this if this is what he is experiencing.

Soberintexas007

My husband is not treating his anger with anything except for marijuana. I have seen what he is like when he is not smoking, and it is not too good. So one has to entertain the possibility that the marijuana may in fact be the only treatment that is currently keeping me safe, and remember that it is considered a prescription by his doctor. It's almost like someone who is taking Zoloft to treat their issues. If they were to go off of the Zoloft, problems may ensue. Instead of taking Zoloft, my husband takes THC.

Soberintexas007

This adrenaline and exhaustion pattern is why I was not doing well at work in the past months. But now that my husband has not been an active alcoholic for the past 2 weeks, my mood is better and my work is at 100% again. I back to normal, for now.

Fandy

By the way, my husband has a medical recommendation by his doctor to smoke weed. I am assuming most of you are not doctors, and therefore you should not go against medical advice.

I'm not a physican, but I am a medical professional (surgical education). Perhaps your husband would benefit from visiting a neurologist for his issues?

There is a vast DIFFERENCE from a PRESCRIPTION for medical marijuana vs. "being told to smoke weed" I sincerely doubt this "recommendation" means smoking pot 24/7 so you can come with daily life and not threaten your wife.

JB, you will justify both yours and your husband's actions until you won't. he has simply traded one addiction for another and you are "ok" with it and the large expense...because he sure isn't getting it through medical coverage.
Just be aware that your relationship is not normal, it is not safe due to HIM and you covering/enabling him sounds exhausting, both mentally and physically.

my only recommendation is that you keep a strong open communication with your family and your own support active. I hope I am wrong, but you are going to need it.