Manipulated, Scared, Confused, Furious
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Manipulated, Scared, Confused, Furious
Hi all. First off, let me say that I too struggle with drinking, so I have quite a bit of understanding and empathy.
That said, I've been with a man for the better (larger, rather) part of 13 years. He is severely mentally ill, has been addicted to heroin in the past (before we met), pain pills a year or so ago and graduated to drinking. We divorced when our daughter was 1 1/2 when he had an ongoing mental breakdown that manifested in him faking cancer for over a year, all the while having an affair. I divorced him and got a restraining order, he left town with his Mom and eventually discovered what the problem was, got help and meds. Moved back, gradually I allowed him in my life and our daughter's...eventually back together and he moved into my house. 3 years ago, I'd say.
At first everything was great. He is on disability for his mental illness, so he's home 24/7. I own my own business working there and running my website from home. At any rate, very gradually he got more and more negative and unpleasant to be around...and as he was here all the time, that made things pretty unpleasant. He eventually got a PT job that would still allow for disability, but he rarely wanted to go. At some point he acquired a large amount of oxy and was taking them all day every day, without me knowing. Lying about all kinds of weird things by then until I finally caught on. He also stole some pain meds I had for a neck problem (that I rarely took). Typical addict behavior mixed with volatile emotions/mental illness.
I took it all in stride, forgave, supported (emotionally and financially) him and kept our family together.
Now the drinking. And at first, like a fool (because I am not so swift at saying no to the beers) I enjoyed it, we hung out together and all was fine. But eventually, again, he got more and more moody...angry outbursts, avoiding work, faking sick to get out of doing pretty much anything at all ever. Mean. I'd taken to spending some days in my bedroom with my laptop to do my online work to avoid being in the cloud of doom he had over him all day, as he would sit online in the dining room/great room and there really was nowhere to go without dealing with him but to hide. I started sleeping 1/2 the day while my daughter was at school, blowing off my own work and customers, losing money. He stopped going to therapy, to work, to dr. appts.
Within the last week or so he's had 3 full blown meltdowns where he would scream at me, call me names, threaten me. The last was Friday night...he'd had maybe 5 beers and stood up and immediately crashed to the floor. I had a friend visiting that I hadn't seen in 9 months, night was fine and good and bam....he's on the floor. We tried to get him up, couldn't...he was rambling incoherently. Managed to get him a few feet, he'd do it again. Over and over. I finally called 9-11 as it wasn't right or normal and we were terrified he'd hit his head and we couldn't handle him. The EMTs and police come and take him, he calls 20 minutes later and says he's fine and coming home. ??
Comes home and then the anger comes out. I finally tell him to leave, he threatens to kill me and our daughter, kill police if I call them, etc. Refuses to leave, to call a friend, anything. My friend had had it with how he was treating me and scaring our daughter so she called the police. They show up and essentially hem and haw about what to do as he's playing nice now...he tells them he took 2 Ambien and that's what was wrong, they ask me if I knew and act like I should know and expect all of this. I said no, explained the threats and the behavior and they tell me they're not a taxi service. Seriously. My friend got mad (again!) and insisted they get him out because of his threats, so they finally do....not before he turns to me and tells me I'm going to regret it, that he'll make me pay, that little girls that grow up without fathers turn out to be whores and that I'm a *****. By now its 3 AM, my daughter is hearing all of this and crying and it's a full blown nightmare.
We sleep, get up...he emails that he's at his Moms. Good, fine, I don't reply. Emails me all day. Easily 15-20 by bedtime. I respond a few times telling him he needs help and no, he can't come back because we're frightened of him. Sunday 20-30 emails telling me it was the booze, not the mental illness, I should know better, he's never done this before (not entirely true, and he's done some other awful things in the past). Wants to come home to talk, hates his Mom, insists I've met someone else (seriously??), promises he'll go to therapy. I respond saying the same things, a few times. Monday, again, 25-30 emails. Now he says they won't do in-patient treatment for the drinking because he had no DTs and hadn't had a drink since Friday (is that true??). He refuses to consider a dual treatment facility for all the issues. Tells me his Mother is crying because he screwed up and she doesn't want him there, his friends party too much for him to go to one of them and he has nowhere to go. One minute he says his Mom is going to kick him out, the next that she's excited about them living together again, then says he can't stand her and will just go live on the streets.
Today, emails 4 times, goes to therapy (possibly), emails when he gets back that his therapist told him that he has a legal right to come back because he's established residency here.
A healthcare worker tells a man who has threatened to kill his girlfriend and child that he has a legal right to live with them. WHAT?? (and yes, that is a fact, but horrifyingly irresponsible of her to tell him as far as I'm concerned).
He says she said he needs his family, and that we need to see him to see that we don't have to be scared of him. Again, what? The last thing he said to me when he left was that he was going to make me "pay", and I should be expected to take him in and deal with more of this? My daughter heard that! She's 11! She should have to live in fear because HE needs help?
To sum this up and try to keep it from getting much longer....I've felt the most as peace, energetic and happy in the last 3 days than I have in years. I care about him, but I cannot carry him anymore. I don't want this life. But I feel like I have to, somehow. Like I'm a bad person if I won't help him, despite having been doing it for years and years now. I don't even know what I'm asking, I just feel torn, worried about my daughter, worried about him but also angry and scared and ready to move on and be happy in my own house again. I'm so overwhelmed. Help? Thoughts?
That said, I've been with a man for the better (larger, rather) part of 13 years. He is severely mentally ill, has been addicted to heroin in the past (before we met), pain pills a year or so ago and graduated to drinking. We divorced when our daughter was 1 1/2 when he had an ongoing mental breakdown that manifested in him faking cancer for over a year, all the while having an affair. I divorced him and got a restraining order, he left town with his Mom and eventually discovered what the problem was, got help and meds. Moved back, gradually I allowed him in my life and our daughter's...eventually back together and he moved into my house. 3 years ago, I'd say.
At first everything was great. He is on disability for his mental illness, so he's home 24/7. I own my own business working there and running my website from home. At any rate, very gradually he got more and more negative and unpleasant to be around...and as he was here all the time, that made things pretty unpleasant. He eventually got a PT job that would still allow for disability, but he rarely wanted to go. At some point he acquired a large amount of oxy and was taking them all day every day, without me knowing. Lying about all kinds of weird things by then until I finally caught on. He also stole some pain meds I had for a neck problem (that I rarely took). Typical addict behavior mixed with volatile emotions/mental illness.
I took it all in stride, forgave, supported (emotionally and financially) him and kept our family together.
Now the drinking. And at first, like a fool (because I am not so swift at saying no to the beers) I enjoyed it, we hung out together and all was fine. But eventually, again, he got more and more moody...angry outbursts, avoiding work, faking sick to get out of doing pretty much anything at all ever. Mean. I'd taken to spending some days in my bedroom with my laptop to do my online work to avoid being in the cloud of doom he had over him all day, as he would sit online in the dining room/great room and there really was nowhere to go without dealing with him but to hide. I started sleeping 1/2 the day while my daughter was at school, blowing off my own work and customers, losing money. He stopped going to therapy, to work, to dr. appts.
Within the last week or so he's had 3 full blown meltdowns where he would scream at me, call me names, threaten me. The last was Friday night...he'd had maybe 5 beers and stood up and immediately crashed to the floor. I had a friend visiting that I hadn't seen in 9 months, night was fine and good and bam....he's on the floor. We tried to get him up, couldn't...he was rambling incoherently. Managed to get him a few feet, he'd do it again. Over and over. I finally called 9-11 as it wasn't right or normal and we were terrified he'd hit his head and we couldn't handle him. The EMTs and police come and take him, he calls 20 minutes later and says he's fine and coming home. ??
Comes home and then the anger comes out. I finally tell him to leave, he threatens to kill me and our daughter, kill police if I call them, etc. Refuses to leave, to call a friend, anything. My friend had had it with how he was treating me and scaring our daughter so she called the police. They show up and essentially hem and haw about what to do as he's playing nice now...he tells them he took 2 Ambien and that's what was wrong, they ask me if I knew and act like I should know and expect all of this. I said no, explained the threats and the behavior and they tell me they're not a taxi service. Seriously. My friend got mad (again!) and insisted they get him out because of his threats, so they finally do....not before he turns to me and tells me I'm going to regret it, that he'll make me pay, that little girls that grow up without fathers turn out to be whores and that I'm a *****. By now its 3 AM, my daughter is hearing all of this and crying and it's a full blown nightmare.
We sleep, get up...he emails that he's at his Moms. Good, fine, I don't reply. Emails me all day. Easily 15-20 by bedtime. I respond a few times telling him he needs help and no, he can't come back because we're frightened of him. Sunday 20-30 emails telling me it was the booze, not the mental illness, I should know better, he's never done this before (not entirely true, and he's done some other awful things in the past). Wants to come home to talk, hates his Mom, insists I've met someone else (seriously??), promises he'll go to therapy. I respond saying the same things, a few times. Monday, again, 25-30 emails. Now he says they won't do in-patient treatment for the drinking because he had no DTs and hadn't had a drink since Friday (is that true??). He refuses to consider a dual treatment facility for all the issues. Tells me his Mother is crying because he screwed up and she doesn't want him there, his friends party too much for him to go to one of them and he has nowhere to go. One minute he says his Mom is going to kick him out, the next that she's excited about them living together again, then says he can't stand her and will just go live on the streets.
Today, emails 4 times, goes to therapy (possibly), emails when he gets back that his therapist told him that he has a legal right to come back because he's established residency here.
A healthcare worker tells a man who has threatened to kill his girlfriend and child that he has a legal right to live with them. WHAT?? (and yes, that is a fact, but horrifyingly irresponsible of her to tell him as far as I'm concerned).
He says she said he needs his family, and that we need to see him to see that we don't have to be scared of him. Again, what? The last thing he said to me when he left was that he was going to make me "pay", and I should be expected to take him in and deal with more of this? My daughter heard that! She's 11! She should have to live in fear because HE needs help?
To sum this up and try to keep it from getting much longer....I've felt the most as peace, energetic and happy in the last 3 days than I have in years. I care about him, but I cannot carry him anymore. I don't want this life. But I feel like I have to, somehow. Like I'm a bad person if I won't help him, despite having been doing it for years and years now. I don't even know what I'm asking, I just feel torn, worried about my daughter, worried about him but also angry and scared and ready to move on and be happy in my own house again. I'm so overwhelmed. Help? Thoughts?
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he threatens to kill me and our daughter, kill police if I call them, etc.
Three behaviors that are strong predictors of men actually attempting to murder their significant other: sexual abuse, choking, and verbal death threats.
Do not blow this off as "he was drunk, he obviously wasn't serious, he would never hurt us." Get. A. Restraining. Order.
And don't believe ONE WORD of what he says to you that other people have told him.
Also -- call your local domestic violence hotline. They can advise you on your rights, and how to stay safe.
I would probably also change the locks on my doors and have a good friend come stay with me until the restraining order is in effect.
And I know we're not supposed to give advice -- but much of the above is what I did when I was in a similar situation (except I didn't get him out -- I left).
You can figure the rest out later. Right now, your and your daughter's safety would be my main concern.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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Sigh. I so don't want to have to do that, it will break my daughter's heart and his. I'm so stressed over this I am sick to my stomach. On the upside, he has no keys (left them here), and no car and is pretty far away (in town, but far). And he just doesn't seem to understand why this is such a big deal.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
I'm so sorry. This was heart-wrenching to read but I'm so glad you are reaching out for help. I can relate somewhat. My ex also was into heroin and drinking. Unfortunately with him, the needle wasn't far behind the bottle. He also had severe mental issues and i saw some meltdowns that i will never forget. I remember being thankful that i didn't have children who would be deeply hurt by witnessing his insanity. I grew up in an environment where my father abused my mother and i witnessed it all the time. It damaged my mind very much. I am 31 now and still struggle with the after effects. I just so much hope that for the sake of your daughter that you can get away from him because she probably needs that so much. And for the sake of yourself and your sanity, i hope that you can get away from him. He sounds like he is determined to self destruct and both of you will just be hurt more if you remain near him. I am forever thankful that my mother left my father when i was 10, i think it saved my life in many ways. It was one of the hardest things she ever did but one of the best. The fact that he referred to your daughter as a "future *****" especially in front of her is really upsetting. And the fact that he threatened to kill you is terrifying. Women are murdered by their bf/husbands all the time. Please be safe and i just hope you do not let him back in. Sometimes getting someone out the door is the hardest part. What if the cops leave him there next time? What if your friend isn't around? Thank god you can lock the door and be safe now. Please take care of yourself and your daughter. I suspect she needs you more than he does.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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supermavis, I really hope that things turn out well for you and your daughter. It's frustrating when people whom we expect to take our fears seriously seem to not want to be bothered (police, health "care" worker, etc.). Hopefully you and your daughter can find the peace that you both greatly deserve, and soon.
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Originally Posted by supermavis 
Sigh. I so don't want to have to do that, it will break my daughter's heart and his. I'm so stressed over this I am sick to my stomach. On the upside, he has no keys (left them here), and no car and is pretty far away (in town, but far). And he just doesn't seem to understand why this is such a big deal.
You have a witness in your friend, your AH has a record that will be relevant. Call your DV hotline, ask for advice and get a restraining order. Your AH is actively doing drugs and alcohol so there is likely to be a repeat unless you seek legal protection. Put on your big girl pants and get the job done.
His problems with accommodation, his mother, his friends etc are entirely up to him to solve.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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treat him EXACTLY as you would any one else who threatened to KILL you AND your daughter!! the man is unhinged and DANGEROUS. take every precaution, take every action to protect yourself.
you say you are torn between being concerned for him OR your daughter.
hon, it's not a choice. do what is best for your child. only your child. that poor child has been thru way too much already.......
you say you are torn between being concerned for him OR your daughter.
hon, it's not a choice. do what is best for your child. only your child. that poor child has been thru way too much already.......
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holy damn, that cut paste shared more than it should have and I'm apparently not allowed to edit now? I'm dealing w/ work, my kid, the cats, I got distracted and didn't realize what it shared.
this day sucks.
this day sucks.
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Hello mavis,
I'm really sorry to hear about what has happened and hope you can do what it takes to protect your daughter and yourself.
I have removed the previous post for privacy concerns. Also, sharing the contents of e-mails, texts, or letters written by someone else who did not make the decision to share what was written on a public forum is not allowed for privacy concerns as well. Your own, as well as that of the other person. It is possible you could be identified by sharing that information here online.
I am glad you are here! Know that now you are surrounded by people who completely understand what you are going through. Sending hugs!
S
I'm really sorry to hear about what has happened and hope you can do what it takes to protect your daughter and yourself.
I have removed the previous post for privacy concerns. Also, sharing the contents of e-mails, texts, or letters written by someone else who did not make the decision to share what was written on a public forum is not allowed for privacy concerns as well. Your own, as well as that of the other person. It is possible you could be identified by sharing that information here online.
I am glad you are here! Know that now you are surrounded by people who completely understand what you are going through. Sending hugs!
S
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he just doesn't seem to understand why this is such a big deal.
I think what helped me take the step was when I talked to a lawyer who said, "Listen -- if he gets sober, and gets help for his mental health issues -- feel free to remarry him. Or not. The thing is -- to have choices, you have to stay alive."
So that's where I'm coming from.
It was very difficult for me -- even in the midst of the fear -- to really believe that a man I had shared everything with for a very long time could have it in him to kill me. But as he and the threats got worse, I knew that a sane person doesn't threaten to kill someone else -- least of all his own children.
Be safe, whatever you do. (((hugs)))
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Thanks Seren. I had no idea, and wow, that did not go as planned anyway. Thank you so much.
Redatlanta, he has D.I.D. Which makes it even much harder to trust or count on him not being violent, because when he's off meds/off therapy as he has been, he can literally be anyone inside his head.
I'm going to bed, need to sleep and get the kid to sleep like normal nights. Will come back in the AM. And will be thinking hard on all of this. Thank you ALL so much.
Redatlanta, he has D.I.D. Which makes it even much harder to trust or count on him not being violent, because when he's off meds/off therapy as he has been, he can literally be anyone inside his head.
I'm going to bed, need to sleep and get the kid to sleep like normal nights. Will come back in the AM. And will be thinking hard on all of this. Thank you ALL so much.
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I second the Courthouse for a DV injunction and contacting the DV hotline. These dont HAVE to be permanent. When and if he gets help/treatment and calms down the court can remove the injunction. He needs help and you know that. You are fearful for your own and your daughter's safety. Threats and violence due tend to get worse over time. Dont put your feelings for him above your own safety.
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