No Money for Food Today so He Says I Will Lose Custody
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
No Money for Food Today so He Says I Will Lose Custody
I haven't been around these parts recently. I try to get on with my life. Took up meditation, interviewing for a better job, desperate to finish my divorce, figuring out the boyfriend thing... It's been ups and downs. I can't say I am getting anywhere much, but I am not stuck on the same hopscotch square either.
But I am tired and the xah is back in these parts - second time this month. Ugh.
This time the drama is the following. He owed me money from a legal agreement and due today. I wrote to him in the morning saying I needed it on time to pay my bills and such. No answer all day. I tried to buy groceries at the market and my card still had no money - the one he should have deposited to. I have nothing else after a modest thanksgiving dinner and basics. In front of the store I had to leave my groceries. Xah never replied to me.
Stupidly, humiliated and adrenaline flowing, tired, forgeting anything I have ever learned in Al Anon or elsewhere, I asked my teen to text her father so I could escape staring people, buy our milk and fruit, and go home to make dinner.
He wrote back that no, he wasn't sending money. He was calling his lawyer and I will lose custody.
Because the judge told me no discussing the financial problems/bills with the children. And there I was, asking my teen like the enraged fool I am, to text her dad for money for breakfast cereal.
I am worn out folks. Are they going to take my children away? Because I stupidly lose my cool at the checkout? Hang on, I need to go stand on a train track. It's how they handle tough times here.
But I am tired and the xah is back in these parts - second time this month. Ugh.
This time the drama is the following. He owed me money from a legal agreement and due today. I wrote to him in the morning saying I needed it on time to pay my bills and such. No answer all day. I tried to buy groceries at the market and my card still had no money - the one he should have deposited to. I have nothing else after a modest thanksgiving dinner and basics. In front of the store I had to leave my groceries. Xah never replied to me.
Stupidly, humiliated and adrenaline flowing, tired, forgeting anything I have ever learned in Al Anon or elsewhere, I asked my teen to text her father so I could escape staring people, buy our milk and fruit, and go home to make dinner.
He wrote back that no, he wasn't sending money. He was calling his lawyer and I will lose custody.
Because the judge told me no discussing the financial problems/bills with the children. And there I was, asking my teen like the enraged fool I am, to text her dad for money for breakfast cereal.
I am worn out folks. Are they going to take my children away? Because I stupidly lose my cool at the checkout? Hang on, I need to go stand on a train track. It's how they handle tough times here.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Honey, look at all he has done. You are not going to lose custody of your children. Breathe. Breathe deep and slow and get this into perspective.
Ok, he is money unreliable. In the future, check the balance before shopping or counting on those funds. Don't involve the kids in the money...check.
Pippi, it's no wonder you are worn out. You are tired and he has made this his circus for a long time.
Stay calm and focused on all you have accomplished, because it's a lot. Keep your eye on the good things and try not to make this circus front and center in your life.
Tight hugs. You will not lose your kids.
Ok, he is money unreliable. In the future, check the balance before shopping or counting on those funds. Don't involve the kids in the money...check.
Pippi, it's no wonder you are worn out. You are tired and he has made this his circus for a long time.
Stay calm and focused on all you have accomplished, because it's a lot. Keep your eye on the good things and try not to make this circus front and center in your life.
Tight hugs. You will not lose your kids.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
He wrote back that no, he wasn't sending money. He was calling his lawyer and I will lose custody.
Because the judge told me no discussing the financial problems/bills with the children.
Because the judge told me no discussing the financial problems/bills with the children.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
He created a situation that would push any mother over the edge and then backed it up with a threat to take what is most important to you. I would refer to that as entrapment.
I am assuming the judge ALSO told him to pay what he is responsible for per the legal agreement. Or perhaps she didn't because it is a LEGAL AGREEMENT THAT NO ONE SHOULD NEED TO EXPLAIN TO HIM.
Ugh, sorry, Pippi. SO frustrated on your behalf. He behaves the very definition of a narcissist. You must take responsibility for your unfortunate mis-step, but please don't let stop holding tight to your truth of what he is and his continued manipulation of every interaction to keep himself the victim here.
I am assuming the judge ALSO told him to pay what he is responsible for per the legal agreement. Or perhaps she didn't because it is a LEGAL AGREEMENT THAT NO ONE SHOULD NEED TO EXPLAIN TO HIM.
Ugh, sorry, Pippi. SO frustrated on your behalf. He behaves the very definition of a narcissist. You must take responsibility for your unfortunate mis-step, but please don't let stop holding tight to your truth of what he is and his continued manipulation of every interaction to keep himself the victim here.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Deep Breath. You do not have to be perfect. Don't fret over the text anymore. Ignore him and his threats.
The first thing you do is figure out how to get food for the next few days. If you need to call a friend, visit a food pantry, whatever you need to do - make sure there is something to eat. Rice and potatoes - whatever. The courts are not going to overturn a decision over one mistake like that text. It happened, it will not happen again. They will care about hungry children and that is on your ex who is denying them food money.
The second thing you do is create a food plan (or food stockpile) that does not include your ex's money. Almost anything can be paid late, except our belly.
The third thing is document this and then close the book. Do whatever it is you do to let things go (meditate, run, watch TV, play cards with the kids, etc). You can't change what is done, you can only move forward.
The first thing you do is figure out how to get food for the next few days. If you need to call a friend, visit a food pantry, whatever you need to do - make sure there is something to eat. Rice and potatoes - whatever. The courts are not going to overturn a decision over one mistake like that text. It happened, it will not happen again. They will care about hungry children and that is on your ex who is denying them food money.
The second thing you do is create a food plan (or food stockpile) that does not include your ex's money. Almost anything can be paid late, except our belly.
The third thing is document this and then close the book. Do whatever it is you do to let things go (meditate, run, watch TV, play cards with the kids, etc). You can't change what is done, you can only move forward.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Not sure what country you live in, but the following are staples that you can buy cheaply and lay aside for when money is tight...
Ramen Noodles (I see these all the time at 10 for $1.00. Buy five dollars worth.)
Powdered Milk (You will always be able to supply milk for your kids)
Large bags of cereal - off brands (I see these quite cheap on the bottom shelves of the super market)
Canned Goods (Buy as much as you can...peas, corn, green beans, etc. I see them at 4 cans for $1.00 quite often. Buy $5 or $10 dollars worth).
Rice (usually cheap, you can buy several bags to have on hand)
Chicken/Beef Bullion (You can make soups using this, a little rice, and a can of vegetables)
None of these things are foods you would choose if you had a choice, but when there is no choice, these things and others are very handy to have in stock.
I'm sure others will have some suggestions of staple foods you can keep on hand that are good for years.
Ramen Noodles (I see these all the time at 10 for $1.00. Buy five dollars worth.)
Powdered Milk (You will always be able to supply milk for your kids)
Large bags of cereal - off brands (I see these quite cheap on the bottom shelves of the super market)
Canned Goods (Buy as much as you can...peas, corn, green beans, etc. I see them at 4 cans for $1.00 quite often. Buy $5 or $10 dollars worth).
Rice (usually cheap, you can buy several bags to have on hand)
Chicken/Beef Bullion (You can make soups using this, a little rice, and a can of vegetables)
None of these things are foods you would choose if you had a choice, but when there is no choice, these things and others are very handy to have in stock.
I'm sure others will have some suggestions of staple foods you can keep on hand that are good for years.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm a little confused.... why you would do all the shopping BEFORE confirming the transfer of funds? I know he's an unreliable a$$ but why put yourself through all of that embarrassment & potential drama?
He's completely wrong for withholding the funds & I wouldn't take his threat seriously about this at all, no way you're losing your kids over this.
He's completely wrong for withholding the funds & I wouldn't take his threat seriously about this at all, no way you're losing your kids over this.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
This is exactly the same crap he's been pulling/saying for years now. You aren't going to lose custody of your kids. Probably NOTHING will happen (to you) with the possible exception of being reminded not to involve the kids in the finances. He's in more hot water than you are.
Breathe.
Breathe.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
If you have a crock pot (or even if you don't) bags of dried beans are great for a warm hearty meal.
Put your thinking cap on. I'm sure you can think of more inexpensive things that will last a long time in the cabinet to tide you over when you can't buy the things you really want.
Put your thinking cap on. I'm sure you can think of more inexpensive things that will last a long time in the cabinet to tide you over when you can't buy the things you really want.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Thank you angels. I do have dried soups, beans, rice. I just went to buy milk, eggs, fruit, yogurt to get us through breakfast and lunch. But you are right in your thinking. I have to keep a stockpile of emergency rations handy and not leave myself feeling vulnerable to xah's consistent inconsistencies.
My stupid bank changed their website a few days ago and I cant do online banking until I call them. 6 hours time difference, I had emailed xah to tell him I couldnt check the balance today and could he help?
I don't learn. Except I have learned finally to realize that I don't learn.
Makes perfect sense that it took me so many years to leave.
My stupid bank changed their website a few days ago and I cant do online banking until I call them. 6 hours time difference, I had emailed xah to tell him I couldnt check the balance today and could he help?
I don't learn. Except I have learned finally to realize that I don't learn.
Makes perfect sense that it took me so many years to leave.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Pippi while I dont know your exact circumstances I strongly recommend you learn not to count on any financial support from your ex at all. In my state child support orders and such are civil matters so some men just ignore them. My state does deadbeat dad arrests every year but it doesnt mean much. My nephews dad gets arrested every year and he goes before the judge who says " you owe X so you must pay at least Y or do 30 days in jail" He pays Y and thats it until the next year. He works off book so his wages cant be attached. My dad on the other hand was a messed up drunk so he did the 30 days instead. When my baby sister turned 18 my dad was 30 thousand dollars in arrears. My mom never got any of it.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
The point I am making, Pippi, is that you will not lose your children for lack of food. There are things you can do so that there is always food available.
When you are flush, buy the kids shoes and coats and things of that nature. No one has ever lost their children if they are fed and clothed properly and have a decent place to live.
Your ex is bullchitting you. It's obvious he cares more about making you miserable than he does about the welfare of his children. He's a douche bag.
When you are flush, buy the kids shoes and coats and things of that nature. No one has ever lost their children if they are fed and clothed properly and have a decent place to live.
Your ex is bullchitting you. It's obvious he cares more about making you miserable than he does about the welfare of his children. He's a douche bag.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I'm working on it, happy. It's hard to change. I am getting there and so are the children, but acceptance has been a very slow, gradual process for us all.
I understood in my brain all along. But acceptance only seems to come with time. Lots of it.
I understood in my brain all along. But acceptance only seems to come with time. Lots of it.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
It is obvious that he uses money as a way to stress you out and elicit reactions from you like a puppet master would pull on a string.
Have you considered working? Even if it is only a very part time online job, you would always have a couple of hundred bucks on your card and would never have to worry about your children's next meal or them having warm clothes for the winter (even if they are used).
I am not saying that he should not pay: that's his children and he should provide for them financially period but there is something very empowering as a grown woman in being self sufficient and knowing that you can take care of yourself and your small brood if the male in your life default on his obligations.
Have you considered working? Even if it is only a very part time online job, you would always have a couple of hundred bucks on your card and would never have to worry about your children's next meal or them having warm clothes for the winter (even if they are used).
I am not saying that he should not pay: that's his children and he should provide for them financially period but there is something very empowering as a grown woman in being self sufficient and knowing that you can take care of yourself and your small brood if the male in your life default on his obligations.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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I am not sure of specific agencies but I am almost certain if you contact a women's shelter or domestic violence hotline they can point you in the direction of a food bank and possibly enrolling for WIC. Please don't think you and your children have to starve because of your piece of crap husband. There are more resources available to you than you probably realize.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
I am not sure of specific agencies but I am almost certain if you contact a women's shelter or domestic violence hotline they can point you in the direction of a food bank and possibly enrolling for WIC. Please don't think you and your children have to starve because of your piece of crap husband. There are more resources available to you than you probably realize.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I am working, but not bringing in much after paying for the children's lunch program...but have to start somewhere...
I just realized xah is probably freaking out because he has to see the court-ordered psychiatrist for the first time tomorrow. He's ostensibly been at a conference all day, eating buffets, drinking...right around the corner. He has never completely ignored our being out of food money...I wrote and asked him to pick up milk and fruit from the gas station ( stores here close early) but no reply. He must be in an utter rage. Or something.
No way to know. Not in my control. Found oatmeal for breakfast tomorrow and so we'll let it be!
I just realized xah is probably freaking out because he has to see the court-ordered psychiatrist for the first time tomorrow. He's ostensibly been at a conference all day, eating buffets, drinking...right around the corner. He has never completely ignored our being out of food money...I wrote and asked him to pick up milk and fruit from the gas station ( stores here close early) but no reply. He must be in an utter rage. Or something.
No way to know. Not in my control. Found oatmeal for breakfast tomorrow and so we'll let it be!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Originally Posted by Hope7726 
I am not sure of specific agencies but I am almost certain if you contact a women's shelter or domestic violence hotline they can point you in the direction of a food bank and possibly enrolling for WIC. Please don't think you and your children have to starve because of your piece of crap husband. There are more resources available to you than you probably realize.
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