BoxinRotz

Why the heck couldn't you ask your *gorgeous man in your life* to grab you n the kids some grub? Damn, if he's feeling you out, he's atleast cool with your kids n cares if they are fed? If he doesn't, you need a new dude!

PippiLngstockng

The therapists in this country are mostly not good. I had free counseling from a domestic violence counsellor but she changed jobs. I need to go back to the agency and get a new one. But they mostly work with urgent cases. Mine is sort of long term/chronic :/

Would love a good therapist!!! Who would probably tell me to get another boyfriend, BinR! Lol!

He's away on business for these weeks. Plus he has NO idea how bad things are. My DV counsellor actually advised me not to get him too involved in my family drama. I like him as someone I can escape mentally with. We do all the light things I enjoy and we talk for hours about stuff. But not about my ex or his or any of this awfulness hardly. We agreed that is how we are going to be together.
I am not ready for a real boyfriend yet. I don't want one. I want to handle my problems myself. But I do like having someone to have fun with in the meantime!

So I guess I need to work on my insides. I really crave that lately. I just can't pay for someone until I have more money.

redatlanta

I'm soooo sorry this happened to you. I think I might have done the same. Mad as hell and kinda freaking out.

Good advice to keep back some rations if he should do this again. Always have staples that are inexpensive and go a long way. This is one of my favorite recipe's Pippi Marcella Hazan butter tomato sauce. Its cheap to make and its SO delish. Marcella Hazan’s Tomato Sauce Recipe - NYT Cooking

He is a jerk!!!!!! They won't take your custody away trust he looks far worse not providing food for his children than you do for asking where the money is to feed your kids! He is an a**hole.

suki44883

Oh wow! That sauce sounds amazing! I've copied the recipe and I am definitely going to make some. YUM!!

redatlanta

Suki its a very famous recipe. I swear its the best pasta sauce ever for the cost of a 6 tbsp butter, a 28 ounce can plum tomato and an onion. I make it by the quart and add in meat etc. for different things, but on its own with some fresh parm on garlic pasta very hard to beat.

MissFixit

I just read this recipe. I have one very similar (its a Wolfganag Puck recipe) except it uses olive oil rather than butter, adds garlic and basil. Very cheap and delicious. I make it with whole wheat pasta, so indulgent feeling (pasta) but healthy.

Florence

Sounds like quacking. Therapists work in all kinds of job environments, many work "freelance." You have to start calling and finding out what their rates and specialties are, if you're interested in utilizing their skills to feel better long term.

CNY46ER

I am sorry for your situation. Just remember we can only control ourselves not others. Having said that I would not worry about losing custody. He is going to look awful bad in court if he admits to not providing food to his children in a time like that. Good luck

lillamy

Again, depending on where you are, that might be avoidance on your part like Florence suggested -- but it also might be a completely objective truth.

There are European countries where collectivism still guides therapy (and other medical treatment) -- that is, regardless of what issue you enter their room with, the treatment is the same, because it's been centrally decided that this is Therapy. I kid you not, and it's difficult for Americans to understand, but in many government-run systems, that's how it works: A central authority decides that, for example, CBT is The Therapy We Use In This Country. Or even detail-micro-management like "The first time a client comes in, you give them a sheet where they're supposed to write down their daily habits for two weeks." And in several European countries, there are no private alternatives -- private practice is simply not legal.

Also -- because therapy in Europe is not as mainstream as it is here ("only crazy people go to therapy") your choices are a whole lot more limited. I have a friend in a European country who was suicidal and went to the ER. They talked to him, told him to limit the stress in his life, and put him on a waiting list for therapy. FOUR MONTHS LATER he got into a therapist. Four months.

I realize I'm going on a sidetrack here -- but I just wanted to sort of second that Pippi's assessment isn't necessarily based on avoidance. Europe really is a different world.

Santa

And that's just how your XAH likes it. Seriously, don't contact him ever -- yourself or via an intermediary -- to tell him you need X and Y. Even I can see that he'll take that as his signal to do the exact opposite. My XAH was the same way.

hopeful4

Pippi, you wont' like hearing this, but it is what it is. Alcoholism is long term and progresses. Mental illness and narcissism don't go away. Unstable is unstable.

My X is all of these, and I think yours is too. When I planned on leaving him, and now, I planned to do everything on my own. I count on absolutely nothing from him, no money, no support, nothing, nada. Right now, that is what I am getting as he is not paying a dime of child support b/c he lost his job. Whatever, I knew it would happen one way or another and that's that.

So I plan and do what I have to do to support my kids on my own. They have more than some, less than lots, but we have each other and that is what counts.

XXX

PippiLngstockng

Lillamy, you get it. Thanks. In fact, my lawyer here once told me that Americans and locals here are as different as Americans and Japanese. We might look similar, but the cultures are quite separate. Especially in how people handle their internal lives, behave in groups, handle problems, and relate as women and men.

It gets confusing on SR for me sometimes because the perspective on my situation is so different here. I get surprised by many of your responses and attitudes.

That's all just so you know. These differences make life interesting, and are a good reminder how much of life is about how we approach it!

PippiLngstockng

So what that means, in terms of therapy, is that the concept of therapy itself is different. As is the advice/perspective of therapists. Same goes for the lawyers and judge.

BoxinRotz

I don't understand how we (and USA culture) can surprise you so much when you've lived here for so long, while married, and you just recently jetted off (2 years now?) with the kids over seas. I'm just not buying you dumbing yourself down Ms Pippi.

PippiLngstockng

4 and a half years

I never dealt with being divorced, court visitation rules, being single and dating at over 40, Al Anon, seeing a DVD counselor, or being in deep financial straits til living here BinR.

Never said I was stupid, though I've done some dumb*ss stuff upon occasion, and lived in denial like an idiot!

hopeful4

Pipp, don't beat yourself up, we have all done some dumb thing at one time or another. Life keeps marching on.

XXX

PippiLngstockng

It is surprising when you start to look at your own culture from a distance. Then you are seeing it for the first time.

lillamy

True story. You live in a bubble of what's "normal" until you get outside it and start questioning it. It's a very healthy perspective to gain, in my mind.